Know any good jokes?

[Sylvev]

I was recently eating out with friends when the conversation turned to jokes. We had a hilarious time, most jokes were smutty but very funny. I, unfortunately, am not too good at remembering any jokes and could only come up with one rather mediocre one, see below.

Do you know any good jokes that I could add to my repertoire of one?

Oh yes, my joke:

Q: "How many ears does Davy Crockett have?"

A: "3. One right ear, one left ear and a wild-
front-ear (wild frontier).

(This joke is not only mediocre, it shows my age and I often get blank looks from people who have never heard of Davy Crockett...help).

A polar bear walks into a bar and says 'I'll have a pint of lager and
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a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says 'Why the long pause?'
The polar bear says 'I don't know, I've always had them'.
!!!

Here's my current favourite joke, told to me by my 4-yr-old son:

Q What do you call a spider with no legs?

A A raisin!

This came from my childhood....

Q What do you call a fly with no wings?

A A walk

Will try to come up with some better ones

where do you find giant snails?

on a giants fingers

anyone notice that their sense of humour has dropped a few notches since they had kids?

OOOooo goody, bad joke central! I love jokes, can't tell 'em, but love 'em....here goes

A tanker, carrying a cargo of red paint, was making it's way across the ocean when suddenly it hit a large iceberg causing it to sink without trace...

However, the crew were found MAROONED on an island!!!

Okay I can't resist this one either...tell me to stop if you like!

Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street. But no sign of Carlos. A copper walking down the road wonders what is going on. Where is Carlos? Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream. He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter. On the floor he spots Carlos, Lying very still covered in
chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits. "Get back kids" he shouts.
Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the station. "Sarge get someone down here quick" he stutters "Carlos the ice-cream man ..................

WAIT FOR IT

he's topped himself!"

A woman goes to the doctor and says her husband never feels like sex any more, what should she do? He prescribes some pills to be taken one a day for ten days. She decides to give him the whole lot at once. She goes back to the doctor the next day and says the pills were amazing, her husband took them, then ripped her clothes off, threw her on the table and made mad passionate love to her, the only problem was that he smashed all the crockery and glasses in the process. The doctor says, surely a bit of smashed crockery is a small price to pay for such amazing sex.

Well I suppose it is she replies, but we can never go to that restaurant again..... boom boom - as told by Pavarotti and reported in one of the w/e mags - but makes me laugh every time and I can actually remember it... I have two others but one's pretty smutty and one's a bit gross.... but if you get desperate...

yep, cl, i'm desperate, go on!!! ( i can't think of one just now. must ask dh!)

Me too, go on Cl, we're all waiting!

Spent ages typing up a joke yesterday but it appears to have vanished....Maybe I'll try a different one. Anyone out there not heard the blind man joke???

A nun was in the bath and there was a knock at the door.
Nun: Who is it?
Man: Sorry to bother you but I urgently need to come in
Nun: You can't come in. I'm in the bath
Man: But it's really urgent that I get in to this room
Nun: You don't understand, I'm a Nun and I'm naked in the bath.
Man: This is really urgent. I'm a blind man and I really must get into the bathroom.
Nun: Oh well, in that case....
(Nun opens the door)
Man: Nice tits sister. Where shall I hang the blind?

terrible I know. Anyone want to hear the nuns and the vampire joke??

What's red and crawls through the grass going "ding dong, ding dong"?

.. an injured Avon lady.

My brother told me this one. He's a Naval officer so it's quite mild by his standards! It is dedicated to everyone out there who, like me, has teenage girls.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were discussing the trials of bringing up their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says, "I got a terrible shock last night. I found a packet of cigarettes on my daughter's bedside table, and I didn't even know she smoked."

The Scotsman replies, "I know what you mean. I found a bottle of vodka on my daughter's bedside table, and I didn't even know she drank."

The Irishman snorts, "You think you've got problems. I found a packet of condoms on my daughter's bedside table and
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I didn't even know she had a penis!"

This is brilliant! I'm rapidly printing them off and storing them in my handbag to rehearse and wow people at my next social event! (How sad).
I have another joke, from a friend:

A man goes to a fancy dress party. His girlfriend is sitting on his shoulders. He goes to the door and the party host lets him in.

Party host: "um, this is a fancy dress party
you know"

Man: "Yes, I've come as a snail"

Party host: "A snail?"

Man(gesturing at girlfriend):
"Yes, this is Michelle".(Me shell).

Groan.

OK - I did warn you.

A woman goes on a lettuce only diet for a month and then goes to the doctor complaining of constipation. She climbs on the couch so he can take a look. There is something there,
he says , but sadly it's only the tip of the iceberg.... bit crude but told to me by my m-in-law!

Now for some smut.. well you did ask....
Woman comes out of a hotel elevator and bumps into a man - his elbow banging into her breast. He apologises but says he's sure that if her heart's as soft as her breast she'll forgive him. She replies that if his .... is as hard as his elbow she's in room 46.

Sorry told you it was rude.. told by my brother-in-law and believe me that's one of his cleaner ones....

How about:

Three men were trying to cross a river. The first man asked for the strength to cross the river. He got all muscular and swam across the river. The second man asked for the wisdom to cross the river. He built a boat and paddled across. The last man asked for the intelligence to cross. He turned into a woman, looked at the map and crossed the bridge.

I have a friend in the USA who e-mails me daily with jokes. This is today's offering:

Oldies but goodies
TOMMY COOPER CLASSICS

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally he says: "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an
electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then."

What's got 4 legs and an arm ?
A happy Rottweiler !!

Two elephants walk off a cliff........... boom boom!

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other: "your round."
The other one says: "so are you, you fat bastard

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

What do you use a wombat for?
For playing wom!

What Ticks on the wall?
Ticky Paper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

So I went to the dentist.
He said: "Say Aaah."
I said: "Why?"
He said: "My dog's died.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said: 'You are.'"

Here's today's effort......Rude Parrot on a Plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to
see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its
glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!" The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got guts!"

Wow! Thanks everyone. There are some brilliant jokes here. I have printed them off and am learning them as I type. Pity the friends sitting next to me at the next social bash! Cheers.

Here's something I received at work recently. It's not exactly a joke, but it made me smile nonetheless.

The Work Prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I cannot accept
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work...
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember...
When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only four to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!

Another one from Tommy Cooper.

"I went to the Doctor's the other day, shame about the Titanic!"

Geddit?

rhiannon, NO, i DON'T, please explain it in idiot's language!!!

I can't grasp this one either. Please enlighten!!

I don't either but the bad news is Rhiannon's off on her hols.....I guess we'll have to remain in the dark, unless anyone else has a clue?

I think the original was 'I was reading a magazine in the Doctor's the other day, terrible news about the Titanic'................i.e. always old magazines in the surgery routine