Is it possible to be fulfilled as a SAHM

[Prufrock]

Without getting all "self-actualised" , is there anybody who does actively enjoy being a SAHM, and if so, how can I?

It's not that I'm unhappy. I recognise that I am very lucky to have been able to make the choice to stay at home with my kids, and wouldn't change that choice. Working would be horrendous given the pressures of the only type of job I would enjoy doing as I'm kind of an all or nothing type person. But I am finding it quite difficult to get any real pleasure from being with my children all day.

We have a fairly full routine - toddler groups, classes, play dates. And I have a good "mummy" friend locally whose company I like. But whilst our days are pleasant, I can't say I really enjoy them - more like endure them. It feels like every activity I do with the kids is just done to tick of another hour before bedtime, and every day is just got through so I can tick of another day until the weekend. Then the weekend arrives, and it's not actually that special, and soon enough it's the beginning of another week......

I feel like I am coping very well with life as a SAHM - but I don't want to be coping. I want to be waking up each morning looking forward to spending another day with my two wonderful children, who I do love to bits. But insteadI get woken up each morning and I think "Ok, 12 hours to go, lets start filling them".

Please tell me - well something. I'm not sure if I do want to hear that this is normal and tha all over the country there are other women feeling like me, counting down the hours until their children are grown. But I'm also not sure if I want to hear that there is something wrong with me....

Just read Puddles' post which echos my feelings precisely.

Haven't got time to read the whole thread but...I do!

mummylonglegs

bk, I have days where I love it but atm they're few and far between. I want more money (dp's salary is poxy) and freedom and I want RESPECT dammit! Dp does give me that and does do half of everything the minute he walks in/in the mornings but, I dunno, I just didn't think my life would end up like this. I know it hasn't ended like this but I somehow thought I'd be doing something MAJOR and important and recognised by now. I know being a sahm is some of those things some of the time but some days it sure doesn't feel like it.

puddle, liked your post. i too juggle and when things do get too much (lots of extra work from being on the committee at dd2's nursery recently) i do literally crumble, there's so little "give" in the setup. more recently i've been handing over a lot of drop offs/pick ups to dh on days when we are both at work and that's eased the pressure somewhat.

bringing up kids is far more important than implementing some poxy application in a bank

(www have just come out of IT meeting re: new laptops where boffins - i use that word advisedly - gibbered on for half an hour and me and some colleagues wrote silly notes to each other...now that's why i come to work..)

I think it depends on what you were doing before you had kids! I agree totally with you Prufrock, I couldn't do it full time and I love the days I can work when DS2 goes to nursery. I endured toddler groups etc with DS1 and have vowed I won't do it with DS2 - I honestly think they're geared more for the mums than the kids and if the mums don't enjoy them why should they go? However I have just ahd a lovely day with DS2, visiting a friend this morning, then he had a nice long sleep after lunch and we've just been to the park for an hour. DS1 has been to his friends for tea after school. But the thing about today is that the weather's fab and we're not stuck indoors. Rainy days with kids at home is hell on earth, second only to M&T groups IMO!

hey it pays the bills - so shouldn't complain.

...errr bossykate you can do both of those things you know, you can bring kids up and go out to work!

bundle Snot fair, I want colleagues! I think I need more adult company tbh. Hmm.

don't er me, i know that very well, since i do it myself. i just think the so called validation/recognition/stimulation you get in the workplace is vastly overrated. just mho.

yes www, but childish adult company

sorry bk haven't read all the threads. Career validation is very important to me and many others. So is being a mum

nothing beats the validation i get at work (except of course my days at home with the girls)...dd1 thinks i run cbeebies (which i don't of course, nor do i inform her otherwise )

I think some of it for me (sorry Prufrock, hijacking but it is relevant I think) is the lack of personal freedom/head space (hate that expression but ykwim) if you're a sah. Sometimes it just feels suffocating. That's what I feel, suffocated. Sometimes.

and www I want adult company too which is why I am looking for a 'proper' job in an office rather than WFH like I do now.

Message withdrawn

I really think part time work is the answer. there must be something you can do either freelance or part time, or from home. some of us are just not natural SAHMs and get a buzz out of having time and projects away from the children. there are lots of options in between full time long hours career and full time SAHM.

Message withdrawn

agree part time work outside the home can be the answer, but only if it's something you like doing and the areas where women can return to work and fit in pick ups etc are v limited ime, which can be exacerbated if you've been out of the workplace for a long time or want to change direction. b**y nightmare

I've been following this and I really do feel for you Prufrock. I really don't think that I could be a SAHM. I too work in the City and am pure type A, so I get a huge buzz from my job and the triumphs that I can make happen - it is much harder to measure triumphs at home and you don't get the immediate feedback in the same way - yes, you get the smiles, the thank yous and the I love you mummy (which I don't get at work!)

I do have the best of both worlds in that I work 3 days a week and am going on 6 mths maternity leave at the end of June and I am so looking forward to my mini sabbatical, but I know I'll be pleased to get back to work in Feb next year.....

I do prefer the pace at home, but I think that is only in contrast to the pace of my working days - if my whole life was at that pace, I would take time to re-adjust......
I like not having a routine at home - picking them up from school and jumping on a train to London for tea out (in the country, picnic by the river) ,but I think only older children appreciate those type of surprises......
I hope it gets better for you - I think you would be able to manage a three day week in the City if you were dying to, if you really believe that it isn't for you - it might just be a case of grass is always greener........chin up and come back to a City girl lunch soon....

Agree with bundle.

I basically have a "choice" with my qualifications of going for something that will only just cover the cost of childcare or going for an evening/weekend job - eating even more into precious down time. Neither job would be particularly fulfilling as I want to change direction - but the area in which I want to work needs time during the day to do from home without pay for quite a while - so I would be paying for childcare without any guaranteed income - a non-starter until kids are both in school.

I feel fed up with being a SAHM at the moment for the reasons I've said before but also:

a) fed up with not contributing to the family income - particularly when money is tight like it is at the moment. Dh is doing his main job and two freelance jobs to bring money in (but also to establish himself in the freelance world) - is working every waking hour it feels like, and I feel shit because he's stressed out.
b) fed up that nothing I do is "important". If I need to talk to dh about something in the day (he mainly works from home) that I feel is important enough to interrupt him, I still feel like "my" world is irrelevant and that "work stuff" is really important even if he's having a slow adminy type day and had he been in the office would have been quite capable of a brief chat while doing it.
c) just have so many areas of motherhood where I feel I'm not meeting the grade. There are so many things that I could be doing better - bit like so many on the thread were saying - ticking off your sheet, being results driven, etc, etc.

Sorry, afternoon has taken a pessimistic downturn and feeling sorry for myself... will pull myself together once I've had a chance for a bit of a mope...

Oh, and just over an hour to go until the kids are in bed...

Oh Prufrock, this thread is so very long and I have not read through all the replies, so I am hoping not to repeat what has already been said. Two things come to mind for me. If you are able to go to see someone professionial--maybe just one session, to look at your specific feelings about why it feels wrong to get your enjoyment outside of the home (in class, etc). What comes up in a counseling session might be surprising, I don't know if you can get to the bottom of it on your own. I understand you Prufrock, I have always had to work and juggle, but I can still relate to what you are saying. It seems that you had some realization about the 'A' personality type which helps, but I can just about bet you that a good therapist might help you hit the nail on the head and get to the bottom of your feelings on this. This certainly won't "fix" it, but you already realize that there is a beginning and an end to this phase in you and your children's lives (8 years or so of this intensity!). I think resolving this piece of it might give you the freedom to enjoy the classes and your outside time so that you have more of a balance in your SAHM role. Are you still having so much pain with your PND too? That can't be helping either....my good thoughts are with you and hope I said something to help.

"some of us are just not natural SAHMs and get a buzz out of having time and projects away from the children."

Not picking on anyone in particular - just using this quote to highlight a point.

Do WOHMs realise that there are SAHMs who don't feel like natural SAHMs but do it anyway because it seems like the more right thing to do to them at the time? I certainly fall into that category and I read Prudock's post as being someone who wants to continue being a SAHM but is just expressing how she doesn't get passionate about it like she thinks she ought to.

The answer to the lack of fulfilment in being a SAHM isn't always to go to WOTH. There is no answer, of course, and everyone is different. I sometimes feel like WOHMs feel that all people who are SAHMs fall into that n'atural' SAHM category. I expect there are plenty of Type A women out there who miss work but still choose to be a SAHM.

Not that I class myself as Type A Chance would be a fine thing. If that were the case I'd probably have trained long ago for my second career choice.