Is it possible to be fulfilled as a SAHM

[Prufrock]

Without getting all "self-actualised" , is there anybody who does actively enjoy being a SAHM, and if so, how can I?

It's not that I'm unhappy. I recognise that I am very lucky to have been able to make the choice to stay at home with my kids, and wouldn't change that choice. Working would be horrendous given the pressures of the only type of job I would enjoy doing as I'm kind of an all or nothing type person. But I am finding it quite difficult to get any real pleasure from being with my children all day.

We have a fairly full routine - toddler groups, classes, play dates. And I have a good "mummy" friend locally whose company I like. But whilst our days are pleasant, I can't say I really enjoy them - more like endure them. It feels like every activity I do with the kids is just done to tick of another hour before bedtime, and every day is just got through so I can tick of another day until the weekend. Then the weekend arrives, and it's not actually that special, and soon enough it's the beginning of another week......

I feel like I am coping very well with life as a SAHM - but I don't want to be coping. I want to be waking up each morning looking forward to spending another day with my two wonderful children, who I do love to bits. But insteadI get woken up each morning and I think "Ok, 12 hours to go, lets start filling them".

Please tell me - well something. I'm not sure if I do want to hear that this is normal and tha all over the country there are other women feeling like me, counting down the hours until their children are grown. But I'm also not sure if I want to hear that there is something wrong with me....

The best thign about being a mother (sahm or not) is that unlike some repetitive jobs, it will change as the children get older. Their needs will be so different once they go to school,etc that you'll feel like a different mother almost. I appreciate how hard the pre-school years are in terms of how slow and long the days seem. Living at the level of little people does seem to close down your world. But it opens up again later, even when your second one goes to nursery part-time or whatever (I assume your 3 year old goes to some kind of playgroup without you?)I actually did positively enjoy all the kiddy activities I did with dd and still miss her when she's at school (and I prefer the holidays but then I don't like getting up and out early in the morning and having my day regulated by school hours). Having said all that I spend a huge amount of time on the school committee work, fundraising etc (which really does feel like work) and I also let a holiday property which is mainly seasonal but is work). The only thing really missing from my life on a daily basis is very stimulating conversation but then there's always m/net. Not the most helpful post but just trying to share experience.

Prufock,

I work 3 days a week so not a SAHM, but I can still identify with what you say (to an extent) on the 4 days I am at home with them.

More so in the past (it's improved for me recently) I would wake with almost a heavy heart thinking of the day as an obstacle to be got through.

I think for me I was making it too much hard work - piling expectations on myself as a mother that the children should experience as near to a perfect day as possible. So for instance they should have perfectly nutritionally balanced meals, not experience a moment of boredom and have stimulating activities to do all the time.

Now, I chuck them in front of Cbeebies for the odd half hour whilst I read the paper, take them out for one meal a day (usally lunch and usually at the bar in my gym) so that somebody else can cook for them and clear up afterwards. Do the occasional 'easy dinner' for them (fishfingers and beans) etc rather than home cooked from scratch al the time(which cuts down on the chores)....

Also I have a once per week date with a friend where she cooks dinner for her kids and mine one week, and the following week I return the favour.

As you can see the major bugbear for me is meal times - I find that the most consuming and messiest thing. So have tackled that predominantly.

Mine are 1 and almost 3.

I've only been a SAHM for 7 months and I don't love it with a passion, like I imagine some women do. I often have this feeling at the back of my mind like my life is on hold for a few years.

It's a strange situation. I'm studying too, so my dd is in nursery 10 hours per week and sometimes when she is there I miss her and want to pick her up early. Other times I am doing the countdown until DH gets home, or else looking forward to dd going to bed. Since I am pregnant at the moment, I feel like the weekends are no different to the week but I hope this is temporary. Before I was pregnant DH and I would at least have special late meals over the weekend and of course, wine helps

Pregnancy this time round = zero social life, so, I can't work out whether the source of my boredom is being a SAHM or being pregnant.

The alternative - working whilst I have young children - is not an inviting prospect for me either. I am certain my stress levels are lower since giving up work and I too found it difficult to give half of myself to work and half of myself to my family. Some people manage part time work perfectly but I never felt like I could give as much as I wanted to and only being there 3 days meant I felt detached from the social side of work.

I'm lucky that I am studying, so I feel like I have my finger in another pie, which will lead me to a new career when my dd goes to school, but I already think I will end up trying to work p/t again (the new career is more p/t friendly) before baby #2 goes to school.

Women have a myriad of personalities, experiences and work/home situations. It is impossible to generalise about fulfilment and what exactly that entails. Perhaps we're wrong to expect fulfilment in all areas of our lives all of the time. Surely something has to give?

I get a lot of delight from spending most days with my dd. I never expected to love every momnet of it though as if it were my one and only vocation whilst accepting there are plenty of women out there who are like that. They're the type of person who either throws themself into anything they do with a great enthusiasm and passion or else they are the type of people who have always loved the company of children.

So, no, fulfilled I am not but happy? Yes, fairly happy, most of the time.

Its your greatest duty as a mother to make sure your children get all of your attention and love. You should not share this with a job or outside commitment if financially possible. By being there for your child you are ensuring a greater opportunity for a well brought up adult, with higher educational achievements, greater nutritional needs met and being able to get involved in all the things a childs mother should but doesn't such as after school activities, trips, PTA, anything centred around making your childs world better.

Although this may not be favourable and there will be the exception, we know deep in our hearts that if you are a SAHM you have more time to be organised and plan specifically around your children and on top of that spend quality time with them. There is no comprimise of one or the other.

If you can afford it, there is no better way to spend your life for the next 20 years or so until they leave university, planning and organising your house and being involved full time in your childs life.

Baking for the school fete, egg and spoon races, that first application to public school are all wonderful experiences. You will become consumed with the minutiae of your childs life.

Prufrock - You say you are a type A person - results driven and that is probably why you don't feel the fulfilment from your current role as SAHM because it is hard to measure the success of it.

How about reading some child-pschology books or something that might make you think about your children's achievements more in terms of your hard work and time paying off?

"Its your greatest duty as a mother to make sure your children get all of your attention and love. You should not share this with a job or outside commitment if financially possible".

I'm sorry hotpotato but what utter bollocks

ROFL @ hotpotato

Hmc - I think it's a joke/wind-up ... isn't it?

• in that case hotpotato:

huge grovelly apologies on my knees in the gutter!

flushing red madly now (but my part time working mother guilt baggage started to weigh on me then)

prufrock your post has made me really apprecuate what i have. i work 3 days a week and can sort of relate to what you're saying on my days off/holidays. for me, it's the routine that gets to me (but feel that as a parent it's the only way to get through things, and children love it because they know where they are), so i love "breaking" the routine and doing spontaneous things. i could never relate to a childhood friend's life who had the same thing for supper every tuesday etc - but i bet it made her mum's life easier. i was never cut out to be a sahm!

my job is v variable and unpredictable (not results-driven) so i get a lot of "respite" from routine at work. for me it's doing grown-up things which matter that brings me out of the home, but i'm lucky and my girls love school/nursery. the balance between home/work - for me - helps me to avoid the "we've got to fill the rest of the day" feelings (mostly!). hope you're having a nice day today! x

I love being a SAHM, but only because I have one child in school and one in nursery part-time, so I get plenty of time for myself.

When my children were small I worked - originally full-time and then 4 days a week. Like you Prufrock my job was demanding and not really suitable to go very part-time, and dh is frequently away from home, so not available to take any part in regular childcare commitments.

Finally it became so stressful trying to do it all that something had to give and the casualty was my job.

In a way I miss the working world, but I don't miss the stress of trying to squeeze all the domestic stuff into fewer hours.

When you work the children are taken care of, and possibly you have a cleaner, but there are loads of other tasks that go with being a family that need to be fitted in and being SAHM gives me more time to get everything done.

After 2.5 yrs I'm looking for "something else" to fill my days, I thoroughly enjoyed the first 2 years with a passion, but now I feel dd needs more from outside home and away from me and I definitely need to utilise the brain I was given as I have never fulfilled the potential I showed as a child.
I'm actually searching the open uni website as I type to prick my consciousness into selecting something.
I do enjoy my 11 yr old a lot though, I figure with two older kids life will be pretty perfect

Yes

in answer to original question

Ooh, good post Lockets

yes very good post

I have been thinking this morning. I would like to be a SAHM if I just had dd2, 8 months ish. It is dd1 2yrs 6 months that is the hard work. That looks dreadful typed out but there you go. Toddlers and upwards are much harder work mentally as you are forever answering questions and they argue back! AND the baby eats whatever I shovel in her mouth, toddler tastes change by the hour depending on the mood.

Prufrock: Would it make things a bit easier for you to send the eldest to playgroup or nursery to give yourself a bit of space? Hopefully dd1 is going soon (fingers crossed) and I think this will make my life a bit easier.

I think Lockets answered this perfectly.

I consider myself to be very lucky when it comes to working as I can work as and when I like and if I don't want to work I don't have to.

Just after dd was born I didn't feel very fulfilled as a SAHM and was desperate to get out and go back to some normality (whatever that is) but now I hate going to work. I much prefer being at home and I'm dreading the day I have to go back to work again.

Very funny hotpotato (are you normally bakedpotato or nothing to do with spuds at all)

i saw two sahm's this morning, one is v contented (organised type who likes nothing better than routine) the other is definitely not happy with her lot and trying to apply for jobs (difficult with school runs, her dh isn't around atm). the main difference between them is one of them chose to be a sahm, the other one would rather be anything but a sahm

I've sussed you hotpotato, you're Cod.

ooh prufrock you make me laugh because I too am the sort of A personality who used to thrive on my work. I had to work long hours, pressured job - I can't say looking back on it that I really enjoyed it that much but I was very good at what I did and had a good career path ahead of me.

Then I fell pregnant with dd, she was born, I went back to work, she became ill, I gave up and here I am as a SAHM almost 5 years later.

Yes, I have moments when I can't wait for the end of the day and many times when I feel like I am just coping. I remember when dh came back from a particularly successful week at work and he sat down with a drink in his hand, looking really pleased with himself and said 'let's have a celebratory take away' and I thought what am I really achieving now that I'm at home and when was the last time I felt so happy with myself that I could celebrate?

Anyway, over time I've come to realise that as my job was very results driven it has taken AGES to stop my brain working that way. With children, it's all long term gain and the pleasure of seeing them do so well and be happy rather than achieving a target and earning your bonus (something I've done ever since I worked). I also am reminded by dh that there's no way he could be as successful as he is without me staying at home (beforehand, our work travel arrangements always used to clash and it was a real headache sorting everything out).

What I'm saying in my rambling way is that YOU have to find a way to make yourself happy. There's nothing wrong with having to do something else on top of being at home (a course, joining a gym) because being at home with the kids can be relentless. We're all different people and we all need different things to keep us happy.

No Cam, no typos!

Know the feeling Prufrock. The counting of the hours and days but for what, there is "nothing" in the end.
It isn't about getting some time away from the children either, although I enjoy that ofcourse, but it is just the day-to day stuff that is so "empty".
I know, I do remember my mum being at home all the time and am grateful for that. I know ds is much happier now then when I was working full time. But still....