Is it possible to be fulfilled as a SAHM

[Prufrock]

Without getting all "self-actualised" , is there anybody who does actively enjoy being a SAHM, and if so, how can I?

It's not that I'm unhappy. I recognise that I am very lucky to have been able to make the choice to stay at home with my kids, and wouldn't change that choice. Working would be horrendous given the pressures of the only type of job I would enjoy doing as I'm kind of an all or nothing type person. But I am finding it quite difficult to get any real pleasure from being with my children all day.

We have a fairly full routine - toddler groups, classes, play dates. And I have a good "mummy" friend locally whose company I like. But whilst our days are pleasant, I can't say I really enjoy them - more like endure them. It feels like every activity I do with the kids is just done to tick of another hour before bedtime, and every day is just got through so I can tick of another day until the weekend. Then the weekend arrives, and it's not actually that special, and soon enough it's the beginning of another week......

I feel like I am coping very well with life as a SAHM - but I don't want to be coping. I want to be waking up each morning looking forward to spending another day with my two wonderful children, who I do love to bits. But insteadI get woken up each morning and I think "Ok, 12 hours to go, lets start filling them".

Please tell me - well something. I'm not sure if I do want to hear that this is normal and tha all over the country there are other women feeling like me, counting down the hours until their children are grown. But I'm also not sure if I want to hear that there is something wrong with me....

Ometimes I wonder if the toodler groups would be better if there were people there who'd chosen to be SAHMs but who admitted they don't love it all of the time. When I am talking to other mums, working or not, I always feel like I have to speak positively about being a SAHM, as though by not doing so means I have made the wrong choice.

For me though, as I said earlier, working p/t was not the best of both worlds. I did not feel like an involved employee or an involved mother. I don't multi-task well

So, perhaps if there ought to be toddler groups aimed at unfulfilled SAHMs.

mummylonglegs, I thought your post was beautiful!

Today I took my dd's to the park in brilliant sunshine, after mooching around a bit and mumsnetting in the morning. Then we had lunch, with me reading the paper while eating - bad mummy - I always do this though. Then we went to toddler group, where I chatted to some of my friends. At home I tidied up a bit, got dinner prepared, then sat in the garden, reading some more, with the children playing. Then we played a bit inside, dh came home and we had dinner.

A great day, stress-free, enjoyable... yes, possibly a bit boring, but certainly better than being told to f* off by teenagers, which I had when I was working as a teacher.
As to targets and feeling that you've done a good job... I sort of have a checklist I feel the kids should go through every day (reading/something crafty/going outside/playing with other children/singing), and when they've had a bit of all that, and when I've given them good food, and when I haven't screamed or shouted too often and have been patient, then I feel pleased with myself, pat myself on the back for doing a good job, and go to bed happy.
But that's just me, I can understand that it's not for everyone.

I haven't read all of this, so apologies if I repeat anything.

I do empathise with what you are saying Prufrock - totally. Also, the ages of your children may have something to do with the way you feel. All of us love our children to bits of course, but some of us (and I am one!) have to admit to being not great with very young children. My own children, of course I adore, but the repetition required with the very young, coupled with the chaos and the short attention span (and the tons of housework!) leaves me climbing the walls. They are adorable, and everyone has to learn, but I am on my 7th year of looking after my tiny children and it's often a very tough call.

I also think there is an unrealistic expectation these days to feel 100% 'fulfilled' in whatever you are doing with your life every day. That to be just bobbing along, or not deleriously happy at all times and striding through life 'achieving', is somehow a symptom that there must be a problem that needs sorting out. Extra pressure.

I love having my children and enjoy the feeling of family and future that it brings. I don't enjoy every day though. There, I've said it. Some days have been truly bloody awful tbh, and if it'd been a job, I'd have left. On the whole I don't personally mark myself very highly as a SAHM (and I thought I'd be brilliant at it!) But looking at the bigger picture, things are great and I am blessed. I don't regret a moment of it and have learned hugely from this. I know I'll look back at pieces of this with very mixed feelings about how we've got through some of it. It's hard to keeep a sense of perspective when you're in the middle of a phase you don't enjoy. But it'll pass and it will all change - hang on to that bigger picture if you can. Easier said than done, I know only too well.

Prufrock - I feel exactly as you do and that's why I've always chosen to work, albeit part-time. I do however always wonder whether in years to come, I'll regret not having even tried to be a sahm...

Haven't read all of below as I have just completed an essay and am feeling weary so I apologise if I am repeating anyone.

I went through a phase of being very unfulfilled as a SAHM but I think I now have the balance just right. I have always worked and had to slave away and fight difficult odds to get through university and establish a career. I never thought I would be a SAHM but circumstances beyond my control made it that way. As I didn;t choose my SAHM status I wasn't happy and yearned to be at work, to be more interesting, to wear nice suits etc.

But once I accepted that for the next few years I would be at home and that i had better make the most of it I began to love it, I now wouldn't swop my life. My daughter is amazing, and I know that I have played a major role in that, I have a very relaxed lifestyle, lots of friends and I just cherish this special time we have together, although I am ready to hand her over when dp gets home .

I do think that to feel fulfilled you need to do things for yourself, dd goes to nursery three afternoons so I can do that. I only use one of those sessions for housework, the other I use for meeting friends and the last session for studying. I work two half days a week, i am lucky enough to be able to take dd with me. I work with children so have the fulfillment of knowing that I am making a difference to other children as well as my own. I am also studying for a psychology degree with the OU, so I feel that I am making the best use of this time that I have at home.

Studies show that mothers feel fulfilled and happy when their working status matches their desires, so you will only feel; fulfilled as a SAHM if it is what you really want to do and it is a choice not an enforced situation.

Whenever I feel a bit bored of being a SAHM, I switch on the BBC World Service. There are enough features on women and child slavery, abuse of human rights, poverty and lack of basic freedoms to make me instantly revaluate my situation and think, thank God I can be a bit bored at home with my children.
I also have a harrowing article on refugees which I saved from the Sunday Times which I force myself to read if I am feeling sorry for myself.
On a lighter note (!) there's a good book called Trees make the best mobiles which I liked for it's "slowing down" philosophy. Trying not to be so results orientated and accepting that a fair amount of clock watching can happen at work too.

eldestgirl, i produce some of those programmes highlighting the state of women's health in developing countries and feel proud that i can do that as well as have a good home life with my dds

Prufrock - how clever and brave of you to have started this thread. I have put my 1 yr old ds down for a nap, and came to look at Mumsnet because I feel exactly the same! Where are you Prufrock??? I am looking totally unexcitedly at the Mums & Babies groups, knowing that I will go to a grubby church hall with knackered toys and make small talk with people I don't want to (not knocking the groups - they were a life-saver with my first)- what I really want is a close-by soul mate in the same boat - I am a miserable git most of the time - and if I could just work out what I actually wanted from life - I would go for it! Thanks again, P. GG

TinyGang

"I also think there is an unrealistic expectation these days to feel 100% 'fulfilled' in whatever you are doing with your life every day. That to be just bobbing along, or not deleriously happy at all times and striding through life 'achieving', is somehow a symptom that there must be a problem that needs sorting out."

ITA with what you say here. When I first had my dd 2.5 years ago, all I thought about was having another one quickly and getting them both off to school so I could return to full time work. I am one of those people who always has a plan on the go and I like to be able to act spontaneously and get on with implementing the plan.

Becoming a SAHM last September has forced me to live for each day as it comes because I have no other choice. I can't speed up time and why should I want to. For most, being a SAHM is a temporary period of time and I think that part of the process of being at peace with being a SAHM is 'living for the moment'.

I don't feel like I am there yet but I am getting there

very interesting and thought provoking thread, thank you prufrock.
I'm not sure I will be able to express what I want to here, but I think one thing that strikes me is why we seem surprised to find that a life with small children, spent almost entirely in the service of meeting other people's needs, doing repetitive tasks with little positive feedback or external validation, often very isolated from other adult company, feels unfulfilling? I mean, isn't this what the early feminists came to realise and try to change?
I am not saying that all SAHM are (or shoudl feel) unfulfilled, or that the answer is that all women shoudl work. I'm just saying that previous generations have been here before.....there isn't an easy answer to the problem of motherhood and self-fulfillment, imo, because by definition motherhood requires you to subjugate your own self to the needs of others.
I think beatie's points are very valid here - often women choose to become SAHM because they feel a deep conviction that it is best for their children, or because their jobs are too overwhelming to be able to combine successfully with raissing children.
I think if I had chosen to stop working for a while, I would be feeling a lot like you prufrock (and would probably have a fully constructed pivot table of menu plans linked to my online shopping lists ) and I suppose I would survive by a) making it a short term plan with an exit strategy -which you clearly have
b)concentrating on telling myself how much the children will be benefiting from being with me
c) not expecting to love it but viewing it as a job
d) spending a lot of time with any like minded mums I could find
e) planning treats for myself and creating at least some time in the week when both children were in childcare.
I also think that this stage, with two preschoolers, is very hard - all my friends with older children assure me this is the case (mine are 3.5 and 1.5). It is all over so quickly though - presumably your dd will be doing more preschool next year like my ds1 - so I'm trying to think of lovely summer things we can do so that I make the most of this last time with them both at home.

ooo only just looked at this thread.

I find it very 'fulfilling' being a SAHM - but then I guess I'm not really a 'full' time SAHM (even though I'm at home all day everyday).

I do other things - director of music at church, and now working part/full time as Catalogue Manager for our business (but from home mainly in the evenings, although during the day when the boys let me).

I also go out to mum's and toddler's groups - and meet up with friends for coffee - so I guess I keep myself busy.

Before I had all these 'extra' things to do I have to confess that I did find it quite 'mundane' at times though

All mothers should be forced to work 2.5 days per week and spend the other 2.5 days looking after theirs and someone elses children.

Therein solving:

-the childcare problems of working mums
-the guilt of working mums at spending no time with their kids
-the boredom and repetition of SAHM's lives.

Surely a happy medium and everyone is a winner!!

good post elliott

Just revisiting this thread again to catch up.

One thing that strikes me is that views are becoming quite polarised. Some are completely fulfilled being SAHMs some from WOTH.

I think there is a big bit of the discussion missing which certainly reflects how I feel. It is that for me at least, I really disliked being a SAHM and prefer to be a WOTH mum, however I feel that I am not 100% fulfilled by either role. It is essentially for me the least worst choice.

When I am working I long to be at home with my children, when I am at home with my children I long to be working. I sometimes feel like no-one gets the best of me - work or children.

Perhaps the reality is that there are very few women who are completely fullfilled by being a SAHM and on the other hand who are completely fullfilled by WOTH.

Maybe what we should be exploring more is the middle ground. Better opportunities for flexible working (even at the top of the career ladder), more flexible child care, better opportunities for working from home, better opportunities for part time working. I still find that women are pushed into the work patterns and regimes that suit men. Whilst better choices for women and work have evolved, there is still a long way to go!

great post, elliot.

how are you feeling today, prufrock?

good post, soapbox. i seem to agree with so many of you who are saying different things - this is such a complex area.

You're right Soapbox - I think part of the reason I'm happy being a SAHM is that I also work freelance for my old company. While this is utterly exhausting (I can only work in kids nap times/pre-school hours, evenings, weekends) it does mean that I have the satisfaction of working (it is very interesting stuff) and earning money and being at home for my children which I feel very strongly is best for them.

That's not to say I don't have days where I bored rigid and just like a total skivvy! Some days you're down, some days you're up!

Prufock - another Type A city gal here. I totally came to the same realisation as you - but never went thru it as bad, just realised that it was about to happen - and have lined up a few targets to get results from!

1. 3 day wk back in the city,
2. applied for PGCE course, new career direction.

Also, totally focussed on being a happy balanced person for EVERYONE in the family, ie DS, DH and me. I love my life, I love my DS and am nauseatingly repetitive about saying it, but I always follow up with "I just want a salary too then I'll be 110% happy!".

Following on from elliott's post there are so many more things you can do today with young kids that were simply not available for past generations, eg. swimming, tumble tots, music workshops, art & craft sessions, soft play areas etc etc etc. However: 1) These things all cost money and I have to admit I found it very easy to entertain dd all day long with a varied "schedule" before she started full-time school because I could afford the swimming lessons etc. 2) These things are all very well and good and enjoyable for the child but they're still often "unfulfilling" for the mother in that you're the chauffeur, the carer, the person who accompanies the littley while they have the fun, entertainmant, educational experience, physical exercise etc.
So whilst a whole industry of child-centred activities has grown massively over the past 2 generations (and you could even include the day nurseries and childminders that look after working mums' kids as the biggest part of the industry) the mother herself is still in the same position she always has been - whether or not to look after the child herself or to work outside the home.

I wish I hadn't read your post today, Prufrock. I know it's not your intention, but I am just CONSUMED with envy

Sorry. In accordance with the new beetroot orthodoxy, I shouldn't be posting that.

does anyone else feel like they have lost their identity.you are just wife, mum,skivvy.i seem to have lost myself.one day you wake up and realise you are a sad billy no mates and theres no one who actually calls you by your name.its mum or honey or mrs blah.
i want to be me again. i want fun, excitement,i want to laugh till i wet my knickers.
am i alone in feeling like this.?
ps. hello!

Great post Prufrock. I took voluntary redundancy 2 summers ago & was a SAHM for 6 months when my children were the same age as yours. It nearly killed me. It was like an endurance test every day. I desperately wanted to enjoy it but felt like I was organising stuff every day just so that I could get through the day without shooting myself and/or the children. Endless pointless trips to local shops, the library, the post office, soft play areas, and my living nightmare - THE PARK!!!! The futility of it all, used to make me want to weep.
So now I am back at work part-time and love it. For me it is just the right combination, all my days are busy and I never feel like I am killing time. It does definitely get better as your children get older - partly because they are at school/nursery more (probably an awful thing to say).
I just put it down to personality. Some of us are naturally good SAHMs & some of us aren't & I am very thankful that nowadays we have some choice as to whether we work or not.

pass the prosac - I'm totally with you. I just feel like a mum. I would love to have more me time but DS is only 4 months old and DD is 20 months.

Somedays I feel fine, others, like today, I just can't be bothered. DD got up too early and is girny and won't go back to sleep for a nap. DS has been feeding for the last hour. I got a very broken sleep and am in a very grumpy mood.

Right now I'd love to ditch the kids for an afternoon and go for a coffee in the west end, buy some clothes for me and just chill out!

This is a fascinating thread. The government should be reading this to get an idea of what fuels women and mothers.

It's such a relief to me to read so many viewpoints that mirror my own. I am happy enough being a SAHM and don't wish for my situation to change until a few years down the line but I would like to have more people to talk to honestly about how some of my days are. I don't want to have to act like everyday at home is wonderful. I had no qualms about talking about sh*t days in the office so wonder why I can only admit to DH when a SAHM day is one on which I feel like running away.

What an interesting thread. I can kind of pick out bits and bats from what every one has said and apply them to me. That is the negative and positive.
Getting the best of both worlds i work 20 hours a week over 2 days. This leaves me 5 days for me and ds.
I make sure that we are busy on our days but this is 50% driven by guilt 50% driven by the "want" to do stuff.
My whole bieng is dominated by my need to make a nice life for my baby. This i suppose is fuelled by the long wait and problems encountered on the way to getting ds.
However, this "mother" thing no way reflects or comes close to my imagining of how life would be with a child of my own.
Im not dissapointed by it at all but at the same time in not exstatic about it either.
I see it as another job, feel like im good at it although no one ever tells you that you are a good mum do they?
In answer to your question i think that yes, i am fulfilled as a SHM, i am happy and stimulated by every stage that ds has offered because every stage has been a challenge to me. Ive not done this befor, its all brand new.
My job is difficult and demands 110% from me while i am there. It can be frightening,challenging and every single day is different. I have a heightened rush of adrenaline from the moment i set foot in the place, however it doesnt make me feel any more how i used to feel about it pre ds, its not as important to me any more. Ds is.