Is it possible to be fulfilled as a SAHM

[Prufrock]

Without getting all "self-actualised" , is there anybody who does actively enjoy being a SAHM, and if so, how can I?

It's not that I'm unhappy. I recognise that I am very lucky to have been able to make the choice to stay at home with my kids, and wouldn't change that choice. Working would be horrendous given the pressures of the only type of job I would enjoy doing as I'm kind of an all or nothing type person. But I am finding it quite difficult to get any real pleasure from being with my children all day.

We have a fairly full routine - toddler groups, classes, play dates. And I have a good "mummy" friend locally whose company I like. But whilst our days are pleasant, I can't say I really enjoy them - more like endure them. It feels like every activity I do with the kids is just done to tick of another hour before bedtime, and every day is just got through so I can tick of another day until the weekend. Then the weekend arrives, and it's not actually that special, and soon enough it's the beginning of another week......

I feel like I am coping very well with life as a SAHM - but I don't want to be coping. I want to be waking up each morning looking forward to spending another day with my two wonderful children, who I do love to bits. But insteadI get woken up each morning and I think "Ok, 12 hours to go, lets start filling them".

Please tell me - well something. I'm not sure if I do want to hear that this is normal and tha all over the country there are other women feeling like me, counting down the hours until their children are grown. But I'm also not sure if I want to hear that there is something wrong with me....

I WISH I could be a SAHM. I feel torn in so many directions, with two jobs, a family and soon enough, a degree course as well. I'd love to be able to drop some of these spinning plates and spend more time with my daughter. I feel a lot of pressure and worry constantly about providing for my family. Even though I am spritual and know things will work out, I still feel it.

I have a strong sense of duty, and I know God would never give me more than I could handle, so I'm grateful to have been given a good mind. I've been very blessed. But I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't so weary, and I've got the greys to show for it!

Prufrock, doesn't really answer your question but I think it's quite hard for our generation of women who, if you do work and have had a career before children, are as you say quite results orientated and need approval/ regognition of what they have achieved. I am like this too.

I am sure that this has led to the rise in our dependence on books for teaching us about our kids, the kind of Gina Ford programmes that give you routines to tick off mentally and milestones to get past as your baby grows and becomes less 'messy' and a bit more 'structured'. We sometimes treat being with our children as a job with a timetable - we try and ram in so much activity, give ourselves targets in terms of healthy meals vs rubbish, how many groups and classes our kids attend, set ourselves targets xx many activities = mummy reading paper for 5 minutes. The hardest thing I have had to learn as a parent is to just 'be' with my kids, just muck about, not have anything planned in particular, not be organised, just be together. Those are the times when I most love being with them now.

I work three days and am at home four btw. Like Bundle I feel I have a balance although it's still hard sometimes to juggle it all.

Puddle I think you are spot on.

I'm a type A person as well and it's the definitely the case that 99% of the pressure I'm under is self inflicted! I have to do everything just right, efficiently etc just as I did at work! Yesterday afternoon I let it all go - let the kids do as they wanted, let the house get messy and it was much more fun!

Prufrock, are you me?!

I shall be reading this thread with interest...

When I got pregnant with dd I was just finishing a PhD after 5 years hard slog at it and also working part-time to make ends meet. I'd felt like I just never stopped working and time was slipping away without me even having time to stop and remember what I was doing.

I didn't intend to be a SAHM with dd as I didn't think it would be for me, I thought I might get resentful and bored etc. but instead I've found it's really changed me, for the better I believe. I've only got 1 dd and she's 2 1/2 now and the things I love are that I have more time to think (I don't entertain her all day every day), i.e. to reflect on my own childhood, to wonder at the growth and change in her, and to basically hang out with no schedule and no pressure on me to do anything in particular. Kids are, I think, very happily entertained with very little effort. I often spend up to 2 hours with dd lying on the bed looking at books, doing daft imaginative stuff with various toys. Or wandering through the park stopping off here and there. I like the fact I don't have to continually check my watch. And I DO wake up every morning feeling pleased to see her and happy about the day ahead.

Sometimes I feel knackered and I'd like to be able to sit absolutely quietly and read or just generally faff around without a little chatterbox following my around. But then I never had time to do that anyway if I'm honest with myself.

I think sometimes the grass is always greener. If you seriously remember your work days I'm sure there were boredoms and frustrations involved with those? Commuting? Having to go to pointless meetings?

In terms of 'results' I guess I find that the hardest thing to get my head round in what you're saying because when you work for someone else, what ultimately do these 'results' mean for you? They come, you achieve them, then they go again. Whereas the results you will see, even now, with time spent with your kids will be there for the rest of your life, they are much more valuable and meaningful.

When your kids are at school and you are working again you might look back at this time and feel the kind of nostalgia for it that you currently feel for your working days. That would be sad because you can't get this time again. But all being well you can always work again. I always picture a death-bed scenario with someone asking me what I wish I'd done / hadn't done. I can't imagine ever saying 'I wish I'd had just a few more hours in the office' but I can imagine saying 'I wish I could have my kids as babies again for a moment.'

I hope I don't sound preachy. I just think it would be a shame to let this time go by without letting yourself get lost in it a little.

How old are they prufrock? (sorry just read the first post )

I find some days at home fairly mundane but i get get the most enormous amount of satisfaction from teaching them new things everyday. It's true they are like little sponges and it's amazing the things they can learn.

At the moment dd is 3.4 and we are learning about plants and bugs. She thinks it's amazing!! Sure it's only simple but i love the fact that she loves learning about it. She has her own plants and seeds that she watches grow and when we go out anywhere we take a bit of time to find different bugs and look at them.

We got a card from the library where it lists certain things you have to look for while out walking.

I also love doing her writing and drawing with her.

Had a think about this on the way to nursery and back and my conclusion is that it's about learning to live in the moment rather than constantly waiting for the "perfect" moment in life.

I do it all the time:

"things will be better when the extension is finished and things will be back to 'normal'" (whatever normal is!)
"... when ds2 is a bit older and can join in more..."
"... when ds1 starts school..."
"... when we can afford to do some more things, buy x toy, go to y class..."
When it's the week I look forward to the weekend, when it's the weekend I look forward to the week. I'm always waiting for the next "thing" or "stuff" to make me happy, and it never will if I don't learn to be happy now either.

Of course, not sure of the solution exactly, but I do think half of the trick is to relearn thinking habits into a more positive outlook and enjoy what I already have.

I read your post out to dh and he said "yes, sometimes you do come across as not wanting to be with the kids" - and while I recognise that already myself it really upset me, because it makes me feel like I'm "failing" as a mother - and worse that if my husband has noticed it then I'm damn sure my children have, and I really don't want them to feel that their mother doesn't enjoy being with them.

Maybe it's as simple as finding a big project that you can work on to fulfill your need to have more in your life. Sounds like the homeopathy course is a good first step. My Mum is a reflexologist and her drive has led her to teaching, running seminars, exhibitions and lots of other bigger opportunities that she loves.

I totally understand where your coming from and I think you're extremely brave for raising it. Sorry I can't offer any better solutions.

Oh so many replies - just skimmed, (ds asleep, dd drawing pictures on thank you letters) but I do think some of you understand exactly what I mean and have lots to think about - will read properly later and reply to specifics. At least I know I'm not alone in not enjoying my "job" - and feeling guilty about the fact.

I know i am being naive but I have constantly worked from being 16 and am now Pregnant. I just love the thought of being a SAHM but feel i will be desperate to return to some kind of work after a few months. I am going to wait and see how I feel but the concept of 'not working ' seems strange to me at present.

I love it and have been a SAHM for 3years MY DD starts full time school in sept and i was hoping to have had another but hey ho, but i am not really looking forward to returning to work........ do i feel bad NO do i HAVE to work NO am i bored YES at times, but i count myself lucky (and too wish after 4pm for bed time) But best job for ME !!!!!!!

Good for you Slink, When my baby is here I may change my mind. I dont think there is a 'best' way to do it as in SAHM/Working Mums. I just people should do what they want to do not what people expect of them.

HHMM I've ordered one of those babies that look after themselves and I expect my maternity leave to be serene, calm and relaxed

I was thinking about this and just to add to my already way too long earlier post that the things I've missed most aren't to do with work. They're more things like being able to take ages reading the paper over breakfast with dp at the weekends, being able to nip out to a movie without massive scheduling arrangements etc. All these I'm hoping are temporary disadvantages though! I do remember in the first weeks after dd was born feeling daunted with the responsibility of her and the 'loss' of my independent self. It just kind of faded at some point but I can't remember when or how.

I'm not a SAHM, but I can totally relate to what has been said by nearly everyone here, especiall Prufrock, WWW, Issymum. Just want to say that I think this thread is a shining example of what makes Mumsnet such a fabulous thing.

Haven't read all of the thread but I now work part time and look back on my days as a SAHM with a slightly shamed horror.

I have so much more to think about now I work - I don't sit and ruminate on my life any more.

And I now actively enjoy taking dd2 to toddlers as it isn't my whole world. Thank the living, loving lord.

"slightly shamed horror" - why, enid?

because I was trying to be something that I am not

Prufrock and WWW I feel exactly the same as you do. I stopped work about a year ago as I found it really hard to juggle being a solicitor and 3 children, and now am a sahm with 4 children. I don't hate it, and there are a few moments a week where I love it, but most of the time I find it dull and repetitive and unfulfilling. I also feel invisible. I completely relate to how you are feeling. I know I am lucky that I am able to do this, and atm I feel that it is best for my children, but I will definitely be looking for a job in the future.

I wonder though, if it does become more fun once they are all at school/nursery and you have some time for yourself and the drudgery lessens??

enid, there was me thinking you loved it all the while

prufrock, i'm sorry you're feeling miserable. have been trying to think of something to say all day. there are lots of good posts on this thread already. i think you may well find things easier going when you start your homeopathy course.

www, i thought you liked being an sahm too!

perhaps it is a classic case of projection - i dream of being able to be an SAHM, although i very much doubt i'd be able to hack it if it actually came to pass...

I agree with mummylonglegs in that being a SAHM mum I find gives me the time to just "be" with my dss. I think it might be a mistake to feel that you have to fill the time and might be more helpful/enjoyable if you let the kids sometimes be bored and sit around and let them develop their own pastimes.

Ds1, now three was always very high-maintenance but now spends a lot of time playing by himself, "reading" to me and ds2 (books he has memorised)just chatting away while I do stuff in the kitchen etc. I think it's just this "being" together (which I'm probably not explaining very well)that I treasure and will really miss when they start school.

I liked parts of it but not the whole