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Original poster

Is it possible to be fulfilled as a SAHM

282 replies

Prufrock · 10/05/2005 22:23

Without getting all "self-actualised" , is there anybody who does actively enjoy being a SAHM, and if so, how can I?

It's not that I'm unhappy. I recognise that I am very lucky to have been able to make the choice to stay at home with my kids, and wouldn't change that choice. Working would be horrendous given the pressures of the only type of job I would enjoy doing as I'm kind of an all or nothing type person. But I am finding it quite difficult to get any real pleasure from being with my children all day.

We have a fairly full routine - toddler groups, classes, play dates. And I have a good "mummy" friend locally whose company I like. But whilst our days are pleasant, I can't say I really enjoy them - more like endure them. It feels like every activity I do with the kids is just done to tick of another hour before bedtime, and every day is just got through so I can tick of another day until the weekend. Then the weekend arrives, and it's not actually that special, and soon enough it's the beginning of another week......

I feel like I am coping very well with life as a SAHM - but I don't want to be coping. I want to be waking up each morning looking forward to spending another day with my two wonderful children, who I do love to bits. But insteadI get woken up each morning and I think "Ok, 12 hours to go, lets start filling them".

Please tell me - well something. I'm not sure if I do want to hear that this is normal and tha all over the country there are other women feeling like me, counting down the hours until their children are grown. But I'm also not sure if I want to hear that there is something wrong with me....

OP posts:
MarsLady · 10/05/2005 23:05

Yes!

flashingnose · 10/05/2005 23:05

Sorry to ask again - just that I've found the way I feel about things has changed with the ages of my kids (they're now 6, 4 and 2). I found it incredibly hard being at home when there was no break from them - as soon as they started to go to pre-school, I felt a lot more positive. I have one morning a week where I don't have any children (a friend minds mine and I do likewise for her) and it's a godsend - I'm a better mother for it. I've also started planning what I'm going to do when the littlest one starts preschool (after a lot of reading/hairdo's/lunches of course ) and am doing a college course one evening a week. The way you feel is totally normal, especially given your last post re being "results driven".

Caribbeanqueen · 10/05/2005 23:05

You could be me Prufrock, I could have written your first post.

And at the end of the day I feel guilty for having such a bad attitude and wishing my time with dd away.

astonished · 10/05/2005 23:06

There are some days mate when I think do I really have to clean this floor again?? I liken it to my dp going to work and having someone go round after him undoing everything I have done. However my kids are great people who have alot to say to me, if i take time to listen then yes i enjoy being a SAHM, but on the days when I don't get a chance i long to go to work just so i can miss them and not be so bloody annoyed. I probably wouldn't swap it but sometimes as we all do I question my sanity!!!

flashingnose · 10/05/2005 23:09

Plus, everyone's work/home balance is different (you only have to read MN to know that). It could be that working or studying one or two days a week makes you enjoy/appreciate being with your children more IYKWIM.

Dior · 10/05/2005 23:09

Message withdrawn

flashingnose · 10/05/2005 23:11

And (do you sense your thread has struck a chord with me ?), you may well find you enjoy all those toddler groups/play dates/painting sessions more when they're not the only thing in your life - I know I do .

ScummyMummy · 10/05/2005 23:12

I think if you have that enjoyment "from outside", as you put it, you might enjoy everything more. There's nothing wrong with being results driven at all but I think you're right that bringing up children isn't really about pressure and results. I think you maybe need to accept and celebrate that part of you, start your course, have a bit more balance in your life. You may well find that everything feels a bit better.

Kidstrack2 · 10/05/2005 23:18

Hi Prufrock, I can't actually relate to the way you are feeling as I feel fully fulfilled in being a SAHM for the last six years! It doesn't feel that long six years, as I feel they have grown so fast! Its maybe that you need more me time maybe in the evenings so that you have something to concetrate on for yourself rather than thinking of all things to do with the children. You seem to do all the things I do as a SAHM and if you are truly happy you wouldn't be thinking and filling the hours away till bedtime! (I do not mean any malice in that sentence IYKWIM) But maybe if you picked up a wee hobby along the way, you may enjoy your days with the children if you had something to look forward to for yourself! I know we have piles of ironing etc to be getting on with in the evenings but sometimes when the kids are in bed I tend to leave Dp watching t.v an head down to my local gym, I actually dragged myself there a few months ago but now I really enjoy it! The other wee thing I picked up was wait for it!..... Some water paints and some canvas material to paint on. ha ha I did not even realise I would enjoy this kind of thing but I seen it in an art shop window and bought it, and now maybe twice a week I bring it out and paint away quite happily, needless to say DP just laughs at my picures but the kids love them and my ds who is nearly 6 has put one on his wall! The poor wee soul thinks he has a clever mummy!

tiddlypom · 10/05/2005 23:20

I can identify with your last post, Prufrock. I express it as lacking validation - no-one says 'well done, you did playdough, you gave them healthy food, you read a book to them, you dealt with a tantrum, you only shouted once'. So compared to work outside the home, it's never noticed whether you do well or badly, so sometimes you feel 'hell, why should I bother?'

In our area, there are lots of SAHMs, and frankly they hold up the local community in my opinion, serving on committees, running playgroups and so on. Also, dare I say it given the recent thread re PTAs and school involvement, I think SAHMs get satisfaction from contributing, even in a tiny way, to school improvement; and are recognised/validated for that.

WestCountryLass · 10/05/2005 23:25

I love being a SAHM, the thought of having to return to work makes me want to cry. I know that might sound sad and I know there are people that have to work but I don't and I would feel I was missing out.

Every day we have such a laugh together and even though we have bad days and DS is Mr Moody I thoroughly enjoy being a SAHM.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to be Jo and not so and sos Mum sometimes but on the whole I am fulfilled.

jumpingjackflash · 10/05/2005 23:28

P> don't beat yourself up. We are all different. I tried to fit the mould as it were of totally fufilled love-every-minute of SAHA and it only came right when I stopped kidding myself and was real! It is OK to not relish yet another round of play dough or playing shops or whatever it is .... Just like some of us love the gym and some of us would rather have our toe nails pulled out ... we ARE different and I don't think you can really change that. Esp. if you have had a busy City career (me too). One friend of teenagers said that one day I would long for the day when they came home, spoke more than two words and begged to get the play dough out!! Be real and be yourself! Kids know the difference as well.

Thomcat · 11/05/2005 08:24

Do you think that feeling of 'ok 12 hours to fill' might be helped by writing out a list of things to do during the week together, and when you're not doing those things don't feel bad that you're just chilling and the kids are happy and have activities planned for later in the week. Or is that not really the problem is it more that you feel you have to be 100percent [passionate about every trip to the park? If so stop. You can't be the same as everyone else. You're you, you're Prifrock, you adore your kids but you personally weren't put on earth to feel 100percent satidsfied with swimming clubs, parks and zoos. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that, it doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you you. You're being a great mum and that's what matters, you care about being a great mum, you adore your kids, you are a lucky women and they are lucky children. Please don't beat yourself up that you can't settle into a life of cake mixture and fuzzy felts, we all need to be different. Just relax and don't wind yourself up over it or you'll make it worse. I really hope something someone says on here makes you feel better. Lots of love TC x

Thomcat · 11/05/2005 08:25

Just realised I've said a lot of what jumpingjackflash said! I was thinking about it in bed last night and just posted as soon as I got up this morning without reading any of the posts from last night!

sansouci · 11/05/2005 08:35

Haven't time to read thru thread but as a SAHM myself, I know exactly what you mean. My dd now goes to school every day except Wednesday afternoons so our time together has become precious. As for ds, who is prematurely into the terrible twos, I seriously cannot cope with him 24/7 & give him to a nearby childminder for 2 days a week. Pediatrician recommended doing this; apparently not healthy for mums (or dads) to be with offspring every waking moment. What a relief to hear that as was feeling totally inadequate & very guilty!

Fio2 · 11/05/2005 08:41

I am sorry I absolutely love and adore my children but I dont feel passionate about my 'job' as a SAHM. I loved it when they were babies but now I feel quite redundant

WideWebWitch · 11/05/2005 09:12

Oh Prufrock, I haven't read the thread, just your first post but I am absolutely hating being a sahm atm too. I know you're not actually hating it but still, I too tick off hours before bed time and think 'oh, it'll kill another hour' - I don't WANT to be the kind of person who has to kill time, life is too important for that! Dd is waking at 6am atm and so it's a LOT of hours to fill. And ds is loud and boisterous, understandably, he's 7. And dp doesn't even work late so is here at either 4.45 or 5.45 so I know a lot of people have it worse. I feel so invisible and bored and lonely. Sorry to hijack but I came on here today looking for something that would help me and maybe your thread is it. I know this is absolutely no help to you at all except I feel the same and I wanted to tell you so. Right, I'm going to read the thread and see if there's any advice I can take! I might email you too.

Issymum · 11/05/2005 09:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Carla · 11/05/2005 09:17

No.

WideWebWitch · 11/05/2005 09:19

Oh and I find the park and zoo and ducks BORING, BORING, BORING! I don't want to say 'ah, look at the ' any more. I want to say 'so, how are we doing on our targets' oh effing hell, I need to get a job don't I? (except I've looked and there aren't any atm). Sorry for hijack, I've talked to myself and answered my own post and hmm. Sorry.

Carla · 11/05/2005 09:22

Issymum, just wanted to say that I think your post was great, too.

oliveoil · 11/05/2005 09:24

Prufrock - I could have written your post too. The 'ticking off the hours' was me, so aptly put. I remember them both (2.6 and 8 months) waking after their afternoon naps and thinking '3 hours till dh is back, what the hell can we do?'.

I went back to work last week, part time, and thought I would love it, and in a way I do, but I am also missing my babies.

No advice, sorry, just want you to know you are in no the only one that doesn't jump for joy playing with play doh.

flashingnose · 11/05/2005 09:24

www, do you have the money for dd to go to a childminder while you do something voluntary or in the school while you're looking for a job? Or even just for two hours a day, three days a week to break the week up a bit?

soapbox · 11/05/2005 09:26

Prufrock - it didn't work for me.

After having my children I went back to work 3 days a week then the offer of voluntary redundancy came up at my big 4 accounting practice.

I took the redundancy but lasted only 6 months at home before I scurried back to work. The children were 18 motnhs and 3 YO a the time and I just hated that there was so much drudge and not enough fun. I had some good friendships anyway with other mums, as I had always been at home for 2 days a week anyway.

I did some consulting work on my own for a while which was very lucrative and was really flexible so I could fit it in with the children well.

Then I moved into a smaller (Group A) accountancy firm on a 9 day fortnight basis. I am going through the partnership process here at the moment which is challenging but does not impinge too much on my family life.

I have made compromises career-wise but I just couldn't give it up all together. I hated the person I became when I wasn't WOTH!

However, I do still have real moments when I see the mums at school all traipsing off to the gym or for coffees and I wonder whether I just got the timing wrong. Maybe its easier to be a SAHM when the kids are at school and you have all day to do as you please

littlerach · 11/05/2005 09:31

Yes, I know what you mean too.
It is so true that nobody validates what you do, even though DH comes home and says that I am wonderful, (he is wonderful too!!) I crave more, but I don't know what it is that I crave!!!
DD1 is at preschool 4 times a week, she starts school in Sept and it is only now that I think I will miss our time, she is becoming more independant. DD2 is only 9 months so I have a few yrs left! I don't want to put her in nursery, as I feel privelaged to be able to be a SAHM, yet do find it tedious at times.
If anyone comes up with the perfect solution I want to hear about it!!!