Is it possible to be fulfilled as a SAHM

[Prufrock]

Without getting all "self-actualised" , is there anybody who does actively enjoy being a SAHM, and if so, how can I?

It's not that I'm unhappy. I recognise that I am very lucky to have been able to make the choice to stay at home with my kids, and wouldn't change that choice. Working would be horrendous given the pressures of the only type of job I would enjoy doing as I'm kind of an all or nothing type person. But I am finding it quite difficult to get any real pleasure from being with my children all day.

We have a fairly full routine - toddler groups, classes, play dates. And I have a good "mummy" friend locally whose company I like. But whilst our days are pleasant, I can't say I really enjoy them - more like endure them. It feels like every activity I do with the kids is just done to tick of another hour before bedtime, and every day is just got through so I can tick of another day until the weekend. Then the weekend arrives, and it's not actually that special, and soon enough it's the beginning of another week......

I feel like I am coping very well with life as a SAHM - but I don't want to be coping. I want to be waking up each morning looking forward to spending another day with my two wonderful children, who I do love to bits. But insteadI get woken up each morning and I think "Ok, 12 hours to go, lets start filling them".

Please tell me - well something. I'm not sure if I do want to hear that this is normal and tha all over the country there are other women feeling like me, counting down the hours until their children are grown. But I'm also not sure if I want to hear that there is something wrong with me....

who is Kevin McCloud? (sorry but genuinly dont know!)

JJF the presenter of Grand Designs on Channel Four. If you don't watch it (and who can blame you?!) there is no reason whyyou should know who he is.

What is the concensus of this thread BTW? I am so miserable as a SAHM that I have started my own thread about it under feeling depressed. But only Moondog has replied to it! So now I feel even more miserable.

Kevin Mccloud is the presenter of Grand designs - and I think he is qute fanciable as well!

Batters - my ideal is that in 4 years time I will be a qualified homeopath, working from home. Kids will be at school, and dh's sharescheme will have paid out,clearing the mortgage and enabling him to stop working such long hours - possibly even consulting so he can have periods of not working and get to know his children more. Life will be, and is pretty idyllic - whih is partly why I am beating myself up so much about not being ecstatically happy.

Er - what is a cage dancer, Prufrock?

i like kevin mccloud too

Cage dancer? No wonder your life now seems boring in comparison

Prufrock: I do think that the MAIN thing which makes my life good is that DH is home every day by 6pm, and we sit down to dinner, and that's the end of his working day.

If this was different, I think I would find it a lot harder to cope with the daily grind.

Me too MP. My DH is usually home by 5pm (he's a teacher) and I feel so lucky for that. Plus I get him home for long holidays so my year is broken up into 6 weekly stints. I really cannot complain - except DH gets under my feet durting the summer

I think the whole package counts - it's not just about being at home all day with children, it's whether you get out socially, have babysitters, see friends without kids, have a good relationship with your partner, live near family. All of those things. I think contentment is a better state to strive for than fulfilment - at least for this short period of time of SAHMdom.

Hear hear Beatie!

Consensus for lonelymum: motherhood is different for everyone, just like pregnancies and you either love it, hate it or both. Whatever, it passes. Your dcs go to school, go out with friends and basically ignore you except for when they want some money. You stay at home if you can afford it or if you want to, or you go back to work & put your dcs into daycare, crèche, whatever. Or you pack your bags & walk out. Bottom line: If you feel so unhappy that you can't imagine going on, you need professional help. Someone trained to help you and who is relatively unconcerned and uninvolved with your family. Maybe you'll need some antidepressants for a couple of months, too. Good luck! xx

I thought the (vaguely general) consensus seemed to be something like "It's the least worst of all the options."

Maybe this might be of interest?

Good post Beatie! Wow, you really are lucky having dh around for the summer, over Xmas etc! Mind you, dh drives me nuts on the weekend!! I look forward to an extra pair of hands but then the house gets 10X messier and our routine goes out the window - I find it quite stressful actually!!

You're right about having family, friends around etc - I'm lucky to have all those things so I'm never lonely.

Prufrock, know exactly what you mean (your first post). In fact I had big discussion with DH about this the other day. I always seem to be thinking, Ah, well, when DS is this, or when he is that, and I figured that I should really be enjoying 'now', but Im not (always). I think after reading all this lot, I can safely say that I am craving adult company and lots more appreciation, not a 'nice little part time job' as everyone keeps suggesting. I know job=adult company, but I dont want a (paid)job, I want to enjoy what Im doing now. Im still stuggling as to how I am going to deal with it though! But at least realising a bit of what it is has made me feel better.

prufrock were you ever 'ecstatically happy?' Maybe its partly about expectations. And also about personal achievements - I actually think its really important NOT to view children as achievements, way too much pressure for them...in the long run i think its healthier for the kids for you (i.e. mothers in general) to have other things that are important to them - especially for those of us who are outcome rather than process orientated!

Quite often elliot - but I do tend to be really really ecstatically happy for a very short period, and then get bored and low again. So not the best qualifications for a long term thinglike motherhood [ruefulemoticon].

But am trying not to beat myself up about not enjoying it - and as people said, it is making me enjoy it more- I mean, not really enjoy it, but appreciate the little things.

I also think part of the problem for a lot of us is that we are not actually used to doing things for other people. As independant women we were brought up to be kind of selfish - I always believeed that I could have and do and acheive anything I wanted to. And now I am having to do something that I don't really want to do, because it is better for someone else .

"I also think part of the problem for a lot of us is that we are not actually used to doing things for other people. As independant women we were brought up to be kind of selfish - I always believeed that I could have and do and acheive anything I wanted to. And now I am having to do something that I don't really want to do, because it is better for someone else "

That's a really good point. You do have women who seem to relish doing everything for their family members... like they need to be needed by other people. They take great delight in the process of looking after someone. I think a lot of our generation are not like that as we have been brought up to have different expectations. I used to think it was a personality thing but I am not so sure. I don't see any of my mummy-friends being these type of people in their homelives, despite the fact they work in 'caring' professions like teaching, medicine, social work etc...

Perhaps it is that we haven't had to taste the inbetween - which is serving our husbands. Perhaps for our parents' generation, looking after children was just an unnoticed extension of looking after their husbands?

Prufrock: "As independant women we were brought up to be kind of selfish"

I agree with your point although I wouldn't use the word 'selfish' in this context - I would say we were brought up to believe that we were also entitled to personal growth/ development/ fulfillment - and these things are hard to come by when you are bringing up small children.

I don't know/can't imagine how this can be resolved and how intelligent adult interaction can be built into the daily routine of raising children. My attention is in pieces in M&T groups. It seems the only way that stimulating adult interaction can be achieved is WITHOUT young children.

This week I had to listen to a dad at music group telling me that women should change their expectations so that they see motherhood as fulfilling ('even though society says it isn't'). I wanted to beat him over the head with my maracas.

This is a brilliant thread - and really helpful to read how other people cope/ride the wave/etc. I wrestle with this one daily but here are a couple of observations. We all wrestle with the drudgery, mess etc but actually when was working 100% enjoyable ? (it's just you get paid for the rubbishy bits - and if work got too rubbish you could always resign which is not an option when you are a SAHM). The other thing I find is that as a SAHM you're not appreciated or given any feedback apart from the odd day when you find yourself having a good laugh with your kids about nothing very much. So for me you have to find ways of telling yourself what a great job you are doing and finding ways of rewarding yourself (like the odd break/facial/pamper day whatever). And you are doing a great job - no one does it better than you.... But I agree when you've been independent and strong for yourself - nothing is harder than wrestling with yet more goo !

Good things about work that I don't get at home:

• sick days
• holidays
• people making rounds of coffee
• the quiet drive in listening to music I like
• a lunch break reading the paper
• intellectual challenges
• adult banter
• annual appraisals
• regular praise for good work
• the ability to compare my progress/work with that of others (to reassure me that I'm not completely rubbish)
• money as recognition for what I do all day
• going to the toilet unaccompanied
• surfing the internet all day - oh no that's not changed actually

And money

.

Using your list Morning paper :Good things I do get at home:

• sick days - only during school hours
• holidays - only during school hours
• people making rounds of coffee - at other people's houses or in a coffee shop
• the quiet drive in listening to music I like - can listen whilst doing housework
• a lunch break reading the paper- no problem, can do that whilst kids at school/nursery
• intellectual challenges - maybe not
• adult banter - mumsnet, email, phone, lunch with friends
• annual appraisals - who misses them?
• regular praise for good work - dh htinks I'm wonderful
• the ability to compare my progress/work with that of others (to reassure me that I'm not completely rubbish) - don't need this
• money as recognition for what I do all day - you've got me there
• going to the toilet unaccompanied - no problem if in school or nursery, also kids would rather watch TV than follow me about
• surfing the internet all day - oh no that's not changed actually - can do - ds2 is watching the Tigger movie at the mo

lima: I'm sure that things are VERY different once the children are at school or out of the house for several hours a day. Personally I won't have that luxury for about 10 more years! (and then I'll be back at work)