My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

What a ridiculous post! I haven’t given a 2nd thought about what my kids look like. How old even are your kids?

Isn't beauty in the eye of the beholder? And how old are these kids anyway?

I haven't personally felt this way no.

It may well be true that very attractive people get perks but they also get hassle, especially girls.

Most people are in the average section and get along just fine.

Just keep it to yourself that you are worried they aren't pretty enough to do well in life. That would really affect their self esteem.

Well, you’re being honest. It’s a fact that life’s a bit easier if you’re good looking. But it doesn’t really matter, and there are many more important attributes to value.

It’s clearly bothering the OP that it’s even crossing her mind.

I think that pretty privilege is overstated a bit and people who do claim experience it are more confident than anything else. Put aside your feelings about their appearance and teach them to be confident and self -love as that will serve them much more than looks

No OP ignore the first reply on here. It’s not a rediculous post at all, this is what anonymous forums are for!
Unfortunately though the usual suspects will be all over this, so just ignore them.

I imagine this is extremely common and so you absolutely won’t be the only person who feels this way, and I would also consider it normal to think like this. The fact you’re worried shows you’re an amazing mum because you’re feeling uncomfortable about it.

I feel both my children are beautiful but one of their cousins is very very good looking and everyone always says this and sometimes it does make me feel a bit uncomfortable but like you say you know your children are beautiful and it sounds like you have a loving family, so my advice would be don’t worry about it :-)

What I find ugly, is people who base the worth of a person on their looks, rather than their character.

I have a face recognition issue, but I always found my children to be very odd looking.

I've no idea if they are. BUT I've been VERY sure to teach them that attractiveness is 100% about confidence and modelled this myself. I give the impression that I am an amazingly hot woman who is irresistible to all who come across my path.

That seems to have done the trick. They are super-confident in their own skin.

Try to channel Jack Nicholson confidence. I mean, you would right?

Ok, I respect the fact that you feel what you feel and it's probably good that you have a space where you can reach out and vent about it. I also suspect that whilst a lot of people might denounce you for what you've said, it's probably a very common parental attitude. Good-looking kids are likely to benefit in various ways in life (not that looks are without their issues, as I'm sure you know yourself) and most parents probably get some pleasure from having other people make nice comments about their kids' looks, whether they admit it or not. Whether it's looks, sporting prowess, academics, a certain type of personality or whatever, we all have hopes for our kids and things we'd rather they'd be / not be. 'Just accept them as they are' and 'Don't compare them to other kids' is far easier said than done.

And yet... my advice is still going to be 'Just accept them as they are' and Don't compare them to other kids'.

As the plain-looking only daughter of a gorgeous mum who was probably disappointed by this but made loads of effort not to show me this side of her, I beg you to give yourself a stern talking to and try to shift the focus of your attention.

And unlike personality, looks really don't make someone any better, no matter what messages we've all grown up with about that.

P.S. I have never felt that my children are beautiful. If this is a mother-thing, I don't have it. They just look like normal weird humans to me - but so do most people.

I know what you mean, OP, and I’ve heard perfectly lovely parents express similar thoughts IRL - it’s just being realistic. I think parents want their children’s lives to be as easy as possible, and good looks can be associated with good health, so why wouldn’t you want that for them?
My DC is a looker - I’m not, and it’s interesting to see how life is different for them as a result. I also have a young relative who isn’t, but I tell them that they are beautiful anyway.

You say your children are not attractive. What you actually mean is they are not beautiful. As you were fairly beautiful yourself, you think that's what it takes to be attractive, but you are totally wrong. My children are odd looking, as I am, and they turned out to be extremely attractive, as I am. The proof is in the partners they have pulled.
Just forget about 'prettiness'. It's for the birds.

One of my DC went through stages of his childhood - particularly toddler, about 8ish and then mid teens when he was really quite beautiful. Strangers would comment. He’s nice looking now in a more low key way. Another DC was very cheeky and quite individual looking but certainly not beautiful conventionally. That one - now late teen - has been approached by a model scout because he has very much grown into his looks and is really pretty striking. Luckily he’s not interested in doing anything about it. I think they do go through phases in terms of looks at different ages. I’m not sure that it’s particularly helped them. I like that they’ve found ways to express themselves in the ways they look now and they seem comfortable with who they are.

I get it. When you’re a beautiful child and then adult you’re often praised about it to the point where you internalise your beauty as a very important thing. People bother less to give you the talks about personality and kindness being important because those are usually given to make people feel better for being unattractive.

So you’re battling against what you have been subliminally taught is important for them to grow up happy and successful. Now you have to overpower that teaching and know that it doesn’t matter if they’re unattractive because, just like your husband, they will have more important qualities and will likely find love and success just as he has.

Both my parents are regulation hotties, but - much to our annoyance - my siblings and I are somehow not, despite looking like them. We're not unattractive by any means, but we don't accurately reflect the heritage.

One thing I am incredibly grateful for though, is that not once was I praised as a child on the basis of my looks - no-one ever called me a pretty little girl. My parents (especially my dad) were all about my achievements, and encouraging education and creativity. As a result, I crave validation for the things I'm good at, rather than what I look like, and confidence has taken me a long way.

I care about my looks, everyone does, but my sense of worth comes from what I achieve.

He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Your DH is not (by your standards) conventionally attractive, yet you married him and his looks don’t matter because of his other qualities…. So why does it matter that your children aren’t beautiful? Do they not have any good qualities about them?

What a ridiculous response. How is that helpful to the OP in any way?

Your right they will grow into their looks, children change enormously as they grow. My mother was/is stunningly attractive. It was made very clear to me from a young age that I look nothing like her. It dented my confidence no end. However, as I mixed with people of varying levels of beauty I learned that beauty comes in different packaging. Confidence and kindness show up on your physical appearance.
Yes, your children many not get second glances or become models, but surely they still deserve the same love, respect and opportunities as beautiful people.

I understand your post a little, I have 4DC, two from a previous and me and DH have 2. My older DC look like there Dad ( he was not at all good looking) but they are amazing adults who are both in loving relationships with amazing partners. My younger DC are now 23 &16...they have been blessed with very good looking features, my youngest get told constantly that they could be a model . It doesn't matter to me at all, I love them all so much. What I will say, my older 2 struggled with confidence when they were young adults and it did impact their mental health but they are now very happy humans, my younger 2 are oozing with confidence, sometimes too much, especially my youngest...but at 16 I'd rather that then someone who struggles with confidence and talking to people

I do understand what you're saying OP. I have one absolutely stunning DD and with my second DD I worried because she wasn't as pretty a baby. I've always been attractive and I worried having a stunning older sister would affect her negatively.

In my case my second DD grew to be equally as beautiful, and I stopped worrying - but I totally get being an attractive person and worrying about your kids not having the same benefits in life. I think probably a lot of parents feel similarly!

In my experience, a lot of the ‘good looking’ kids/teens lose their looks. I think it’s to do with the size of your features suiting your face when you are either young or an adult.
I can honestly say that pretty much all of the ‘good looking’ people I went to school with are now very plain. Some of the ‘plainer/ugly’ kids are now stunning.

I wasn’t a conventionally good looking kid at all. Yet in my twenties I had a massive glow up and just fitted my face better.

I knew someone with non identical twins. She used to place them in the double pram so she was facing the “better looking” twin!
I sometimes think pretty / good looking kids can end up with worse personalities as they don’t have to try to be likeable. Good looks in kids often don’t age well. A lot of kids grow into their faces to become really attractive adults - and usually as nicer people because they weren’t feted as kids.

You are not unreasonable to feel how you feel, but as someone whose mother made it very clear she wished I was more attractive, I am butting in here to say please, please make sure that whatever those feelings are about your children's attractiveness, you lock that down as tight as you can.

Growing up feeling like an aesthetic disappointment to your own mother is quite shit.

If you’re at all interested in history or sociology at all you should also look at ‘Beauty as morality’ in the Mideval era which is part of why beauty is considered so important - at least in the UK and Europe. It used to be thought that beautiful people were morally and spiritually pure and that’s why they were attractive and ugly people were morally corrupt (see witches with their warts and crooked noses etc). The exception was if you were TOO pretty and then you’d clearly made a deal with the devil.