My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

I agree! You're not helping fullofpudding!

They change as they grow. My daughter went through a little puppy fat stage and although I always thought very pretty I could see objectively others may not feel the same, she is now tall, slim, long dark ringlet hair, I posted a pic with her on social media and got a lot of “good grief your daughter is stunning” type comments, you can’t tell what they will look like as grown ups.

in addition what one person sees as beautiful, others don’t, very few are universally seen as beautiful.

Part of me wonders if you think they aren’t beautiful as you are vain, and consider yourself beautiful annd they don’t look like you. You clearly don’t find your own husband good looking, and feel you’re superior.telling us how nice a person you are as apparently his lack of good looks don’t matter to you. Charming. Now you think the same about your own kids. Is it reality or vanity. I wonder if others would agree your view. Or you beleived the compliments most of us get,

And much of attractiveness is actually about presentation. Hair, stature, body, confidence, the right clothes, even artful make up,

I do wonder though if strangers looked at images of your family, if they would reach the same conclusion as you do. I somehow suspect not.

DH looked like a potato as a child, he's objectively a very attractive man. However I think he does well from the fact that he didn't really blossom until late teens early twenties so doesn't perceive himself as attractive and therefore has none of the hang ups or shallow attitudes you do.

DS is beautiful to me I can't really see past that but recognise he isn't wildly photogenic, he is very intelligent, funny, very caring and emotionally intelligent all of those things matter so much more.

I know what you mean op and I feel the same but I would never say it to anyone.

I went to a family event recently and met up with a cousin whose young adult children were stunning and I have another cousin from the other side of the family who also has gorgeous and intelligent children of the same age. It’s funny how the genes work.

I do believe in making the most of what you’ve got though and making an effort with your appearance which involves a bit of nudging from me as my teen dc would not bother.

Completely normal thing to worry about OP. Just as one might worry if one's kid wasn't bright, or wasn't sporty, or whatever. Being attractive does to some extent make aspects of life easier, so of course anyone sane would wir their kids.

My DD is (in my opinion) an absolute triumph, because at 14 she has many aspects of appearance that are considered conventionally attractive (she has tanned skin, long legs proportionally to her body, facial harmony, tumbling locks of hair. But she doesn't care about it much - or certainly doesn't do things to "enhance" it (wear makeup, diet, dress to accentuate her figure, any of that).

This seems to me to be the best of both worlds - a young woman who is naturally gorgeous but acts as if appearance is irrelevant. And I thank whatever gods there are every day for this, because it certainly makes her social experiences easier. I know that's wrong, that it shouldn't make a difference. But it does. But it's not just that she is beautiful, it's that she is beautiful and doesn't think that matters.

I was the opposite at 14! Unprepossessing, yet slathered in make-up, desperate to attract attention and change the way I looked, basically.

The thing is OP, you can't change how they look. (Amd nor should you despair about it - many many people have a "glow up", and whatever their innate facial features, so much of phsycial attractiveness is more about hair, figure,posture, facial expressions, skin - all of which has yet to be determined!

But the very BEST gift you can give them, is to do all in your power to instil in them that physical attractive matters so little compared to character, confidence, personality, humour etc etc. (While also helping them to have a decent dress sense/wardrobe, and hair that suits their face - why not?)

But PLEASE don't feel you are abnormal or shallow to worry about it. Of course you aren't, you are just realistic. But also, it probably isn't the end of the world....

My mum was quite stunning in her youth. My dad could eat an apple through a tennis racquet. I look like my dad. I’ve even got my dad’s nose and eyebrows. That’s the luck of the draw, although in my experience, pretty children don’t always make pretty adults. Puberty can hit hard.

@Sameasever
I do believe in making the most of what you’ve got though and making an effort with your appearance which involves a bit of nudging from me as my teen dc would not bother.

What a wonderful thing to do for your teens' self-esteem 🙄

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself lady

They change a lot as teens.

you can’t really predict who will be a good looking adult.

I can't really identify with this - for me how beautiful I think someone is, is totally dependent on how much I like them. When I decide I don't like someone any more (say, a back stabbing colleague), then their face literally warps into ugliness in my eyes and I notice all their chins.

My kids and dh are extremely beautiful in my eyes, especially my kids, I could just gaze at them all day the way you might gaze at a fern or a shiny beetle.

I don't think there's such thing as "objective" beauty anyway.

If you're worried about this op, change your mindset. Your kids are miracles, you literally created them out of two tiny half-cells. And look they've got eyes and ears and everything, how did you manage that? Isn't it wonderful. Better even than a sea view.

Life sometimes seems somewhat easier for attractive people, but those who don't have that feee pass often get on better in life.

Oh op

I found this hard to read without judging you a little, sorry

That said, i grew up chubby and was bullied for being fat by my step dad amd the adults and kids around me. Then I got an eating disorder and I am still trying to lose the weight

My dd isn't fat and I am do grateful 🥺🥺

I haven’t given a 2nd thought about what my kids look

Huh?!….that’s very odd

My DSIS is WAY more attractive than me and skinnier. She's always taken pride in her looks and fashion. Less so in education. She grew into a lovely woman, works for a charity, is the funniest person I know and we've always been there for each other. She suffers from low confidence and I wish sometimes she could see herself how I see her, capable of so much.

I, on the other hand, look like one of those Fugly toys. I was constantly barked at and told how unattractive I was by passers by and bullied by girls. Affected my confidence for years but the plus side is I invested in myself more, developed a set of interests, worked hard at school, made good friends and built a career.

Funnily enough I've had compliments on being attractive and even hit on in the past couple of years (late thirties). Maybe I grew into my gums?! Who knows. I take care of myself and try to make the most of what I do have, even if it's a face that would turn milk.

It really depends whether they are plain, or noticeably unattractive. I am the latter and it really does make for horrible experiences in life, although eases off in middle age, which is a bonus because you can feel relieved while others are bemoaning 'losing their looks'.

If they're just plain, I wouldn't worry about it - they're the group least likely to attract unwanted attention.

If they're conspicuously unattractive, the tips I would give from the perspective of middle age are 1. Develop a robust inner life (it can console you for a lot) and 2. Don't let it stop you enjoying clothes and having a sense of style. If people are going to make barking dog noises at you in the street, they'll do it whether you're wearing haute couture or a bin liner, so wear what you enjoy.

Hopefully they will at least be less superficial than their mother.

How old are they?

I think perhaps if you have grown up being particularly attractive then part of your self esteem comes from that and you feel that it’s important.

As someone who didn’t grow up with that, I’m not bothered about how my child looks because it’s not an advantage I’ve ever had and therefore I’ve not grown up thinking it matters. I value personality and hope he is kind, caring and fun to be around. I love when people comment on him being helpful, looking out for his friends, being positive and enthusiastic at school etc. That’s what matters to me and makes me feel happy and proud as a parent.

Looks are something you’re generally born with and it baffles me how our society values them so highly, as opposed to things like empathy, compassion, determination etc.

This is such an interesting post. And it hits a little close to home. I was at an event over the weekend with my husband and all 5 of my sons. That rarely happens these days. To say I am average looking would be generous. My husband, however, was one of those late bloomers who only gets better with age. Its awful. He is ridiculously handsome. I spend quite a bit of time convincing myself that not everyone that sees us together thinks to themselves "what in the world is that man doing with THAT woman?" Over the weekend I realized that people feel that my boys are very handsome too. I actually saw women elbow each other when a couple of them walked through the crowd. That is so disconcerting to me because I am having a hard adjustment to them being adults but also because now I think they are all thinking "thank god they look like their father!". Or "how did that troll woman give birth to such gorgeous specimens??" UGH.

We have 5DC, our boys are handsome and our daughter is very beautiful. People comment on how good looking our children are regularly. People notice DD when we walk through the shopping centre, I am invisible when she isnt with me. She is a tween, has braces and is supposed to be in her ugly duckling era. Our boys are all on the spectrum to varying degrees, but one of our DS is severely disabled, he will require a high level of care his entire life, he is probably our best looking child. Looks are so far down the priority list of things we had hoped for our children, they have bigger fish to fry in this life. FWIW, my husband and I are very average.

My daughter is conventionally beautiful - tall, long legs, long blond hair and blue eyes, with a lovely face. She doesn't see it herself and it brings her a lot of hassle as middle aged men seem to think she is fair game at 15 to leer at and make comments. The things I value about her have nothing to do with the way she looks, and she also feels the same about herself. I am middle of the road, now slightly invisible, unremarkable looking. I thought all parents thought their children were lovely - it's a bit sad OP.

Some knee jerk useless replies on the thread (no surprise)
OP is a tricky one, it's revealing your ingrained thought patterns from your whole life and it's hard to get away from them. It's like someone constantly telling you not to think about elephants, it's just going to remind you of it more! And add on the constant reinforcement learning and it would just carry on and on.
I think the answer is to somehow replace those thoughts with other thoughts but goodness knows how, I'm sure there's some kind of CBT thing you can do perhaps? You could even go wild and start counting the hairs on their head or play a little game every time you think of it!
Then after a few months your brain will go straight to the new thing (so choose carefully)

Stop comparing your children
what we look like is a shell people who are good looking can over-value appearance
if people are patient tolerant and kind they are much more likely to have happy fulfilling lives maybe being outwardly attractive places stress on some people who feel they have to keep living up to the expectations of others
Some people are beautiful on the inside maybe you can help your children develop their humanity
We will all loose our looks someday if we are comfortable on the inside that can shine through and our appearance will be irrelevant !

My DD was a bit - out of proportion maybe- in her face in early teens but is beautiful now (objectively I think, she has done modelling).

kids features seem to grow at different rates,
it took her a while to grow into her firm jaw.

my DS also had goofy teeth and an overbite.
he had a constructive brace in his teeth and now has a very manly jaw!

so they do ‘even out’ a bit after their teens I think.

Whilst I agree with those saying 'kids change, you can't tell', can I make a very big point that attractiveness is not just about beauty. A vivacious, lively and entertaining elephant wo/man is far more attractive than a sulky selfish nymph or shepherd. Teach your children to be charming, polite and lively and they will attract those whose opinion actually matters, rather than those who simply value conventional good looks.