My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

I always felt loved by my parents but I was well aware I wasn't a pretty child. Think ginger hair, slightly chubby, national health glasses 1970's style and black teeth through antibiotic staining. It was horrendous and I was bullied. However through puberty, contact lenses and tooth crowns I became beautiful and turned heads. You cannot tell in childhood what kids will be like as adults you can only love them and help them feel self confident and good about themselves.

Yes I think its fairly healthy to know that we're none of us anything special (in any stakes) and that we are all fallible. Its ok not to be perfect.

It’s not guaranteed- they may turn out to be plain and not particularly attractive.

You are entitled to your feelings and feel safe to share them here. You state you would never transmit them to your children and it is good you recognise the importance of that. We are not perfect. My friend once said she had finally accepted her sons were not that bright. It was difficult for her as she is Mensa level but has never shown any disappointment in them, or to them. They are doing really well now as late 20 year olds. I was disappointed with my daughter’s A level grades and hoped for better but have never shown it and am very happy that she is happy in her current path. Attractiveness is subjective and not always a foregone conclusion. Matthew Lewis was a rate funny looking kid and turned out quite attractive. Macauley Culkin was phenomenally cute as a child and now… well… Sometimes things are not as we would wish them to be, but it is how we rise to it that matters.

Indeed, NB: too, Nicholas Hoult’s - About A Boy - glow up, remarkable.

I understand you want your kids to have every advantage in life but look around at your husband and friends and work colleagues … the ones you love and are drawn to and find engaging and funny …are they all stunners ? I expect not ! Just relax ..we all find a space and praising them on kindness and hard work etc will raise their self esteem .

I wasn't a very good looking child - I had thick hair that had the most awful cut and I had puppy fat. Once I got to 15 and experienced with make up and knew what looked good/what didn't in regards to my hair (and I lost the puppy fat, was a size 10 well into my twenties) I started turning heads, and it was so nice because I always felt like a troll! I'm 32 now and still get flattering comments.... I mean I'm certainly not a supermodel but I'm a hell of a lot better looking than when I was a kid, so u never really know!

Don’t ever let them know you don’t think they are attractive.

I was an odd looking child. My mother, no great beauty herself, made it clear to me that other girls were more attractive and why couldn’t I have clear skin and long thick straight hair (except when she wanted me to have ringlets) and have a rosy complexion. I now look at pictures of myself in my twenties and realise I was not just the sort of attractive that comes with youth but that I was in fact head turning stunning (and it’s not just me, other people say ‘wow you were so beautiful’ if they see a picture of me from then).

And I never knew ‘ I remember at the time I still felt the sort of ugly my mother made me feel as a child.

Compared to other peoples childhoods it’s minor, what does it matter I always felt ugly but it would have been nice to realise I wasn’t before I became, fat old and grey.

My children are stunning, not from me or arsehole ex so don’t know who they get it from. Or maybe it’s just because I look at them and see them through the love I have for them.

Most actor's aren't that good looking. There's wanting to act and wanting to be an 'actress', they're different things.

It's not looks that are attractive, yes maybe in the first glance, but true attractiveness is in confidence, so build their confidence and you'll have no worries.

OP is worried she feels this way and is asking for reassurance. She is not being ridiculous.

When my daughter was born, she looked like an old wrinkly man, had the funniest shaped large head, a strangely long face for a baby, eyes like slits, no eyebrows or lashes and what looked like quite a prominent nose for a baby. Oh and jaundice.

I was secretly devastated, because all of the family babies prior to that had been angelic looking with round eyes, peachy skin and round little cherubic cheeks.

It made me so miserable inside until my husband and I ended up blurting it out. I said to him "do you think she's got your nose or mine?" And this started a confession where we both admitted we were surprised that our baby wasn't good looking. Okay - full disclosure - we are both good looking I guess - we were both quite something when young. Not now obviously!!

Anyway, we both had a relieved guulty chuckle for voicing such terrible thoughts. We concluded "Well, here it is. We always wondered whether our genes would combine favourably or not."

Funnily enough, both my kids have grown up to be more attractive than they initially looked. There is a lot more to "attractive" than looks or features.

My second daughter was born so pretty she looked like a doll. I must have gone on about it without realising. She went on to get body dysmorphic disorder, and now thinks she is so ugly that she at times struggles to go out of the house or look in a mirror.

My first daughter isn't as perfect looking, but she sparkles and fizzes with joy and light. Her smile literally lights up her entire face and when that happens, she's literally the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

So - sharing my experience - its okay to be hobest and share what youre thining anonymously. Hopefully, having admitted it will take the power out of it. It will pass. 😘

They are gorgeous kids. I remember very plainly my Mum telling me when I was around 10 that I 'lost my looks'. They came back again but I never forgot her saying that.

If they notice a difference in your looks and how handsome your husband is they're probably thinking that you must be the more interesting person and he is the more boring one but he's easy on the eye? That's what I would think if I was making a snap judgment.

Often conventionally attractive youngsters grow up into odd-looking adults, and vice versa. I had a SIL who was a stunning blonde and who expressed disappointment that her daughter was chunky, freckled and plain with straight brown hair. That plain child is now a beautiful woman, the dead spit of her mother. That doesn't matter though. What matters is that your children should never know that you are thinking in those terms - if your own mother doesn't think you're the most perfect creature on earth, you're pretty well doomed to a life of low self esteem. Celebrate them.

It isn't. My brother was just beautiful as a child, blonde, big, big blue eyes surrounded by long, thick and black eyelashes, so thick that the doctor gave him a lotion to wipe his eyes so that sleep dust didn't clog them. And women just cooed over him

And how does that help, OP?

Also just remembered I did once meet a couple irl where the woman was naturally stunning and the man was not a looker at all and my immediate thought was, he must be a really nice guy and they must have things in common. I also met a couple recently where they were both 100% conventionally attractive and "matched" exactly and I thought it was a bit sad as this seemed like it was the primary driver for their union Barbie found Ken kind of thing. It's more interesting when the reason for people choosing each other isn't as superficially obvious., probably means that the relationship has more depth. If I was you I would just own it, as in you have a very handsome hubby which is a nice perk that you deserve because you're fab. I once had a (not very subtle) colleague say to me after meeting my partner at the time, Wow you're BF is really handsome! Sounding totally surprised, I thought it was pretty funny.

Most couples are approx as attractive as each other, unless the man ££.

It doesn't. I'm replying to your notion of bragging. Neither of your comments helped the OP either. Some children are just stunners.

This.

I think back to the really good looking kids at school, and that hasn’t transferred through to adulthood!

So a woman posts here about feeling guilty about a pang of feeling she gets when she compares other children's looks to her own children, and you and the other poster think it's fine to brag to her about your child / sibling? Do you not see how seriously weird that is?

No, I don't think it is weird. This is an anonymous forum, where people can say what they really think. The OP has stated that she is uncomfortable with her feelings, and that she cannot say them out IRL. Good for her to say it here. It's not admirable but she's saying something valid. As for myself and the other PP, we're just commenting, we're not bragging. You , on other hand , are being disingenuous.