My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

Well, being beautiful is not the same as being attractive in any event. Bring attractive is a combination of often very subjective factors, like confidence, humour, charisma.

It's ok to be honest about how you feel and get it out "there". You feel how you feel.

But there are other things to worry about. Are they growing up to be critical thinkers? Compassionate humans who know their own and others' worth?

Nothing helpful to add but I don’t think it’s a ridiculous post. Like it or not, there is a lot of judgment in our society based on looks and some people can be objective about their children. On the flip side, I guess being beautiful comes with its own problems and unwelcome attention. Sometimes being average is better.

My daughter isn't "pretty" the way some children are, but she's very smiley and charming and honestly, it gets her further

I dont think its unusual to notice this or feel either uncomfortable about the fact of it, or uncomfortable that you feel it

Of course gorgeous kids sometimes grow into not so gorgeous adults. I notice that people who are conventionally attractive when young, or in their 20s and so on, as they age, that 'baby face' which makes them attractive becomes really unattractive, they look odd.

People with older faces when young (if you know what I mean) often grow into their faces, you can see it with hollywood stars etc

I mean my son is good looking IMO but also other people comment and because he’s a combo of both my DH and I and we are both relatively attractive.
I do notice when a child is particularly attractive or striking or the opposite! Sorry but it’s true.

However, I also notice the kind kids and the mean ones regardless of their looks!

Remember you said your DH isn’t good looking but you still went on to have kids with him so am sure your kids will be fine!

“ He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.”

Let’s hope for your children’s sake they totally take after their dad in every way as he sounds nice!!

My brother and I often joke that if we had turned out ugly my mum would have put us in a bag and chucked us into the river.

You seem like my mum. We joke about it but it’s far from funny.

I unfortunately look like a witch (and am also very hairy) and my husband looks like Mr Potatohead. Our kids are somewhat unconventional looking so I can empathise!

If it's any consolation, a bit of charm goes a long way in life. In my youth, I often found myself getting freebies, dates with handsome men etc. I guess that when you're not blessed with looks, you work with what you do have and go the extra mile to be funny/personable/charming!

I sense you may have some self esteem issues, op? Is that fair?

Do you believe that you have done as well as you have because of your looks?

Could it be that people like you for you?

perhaps if your children aren’t the best looking as they grow up, they might yet have fantastic successful lives - I’m not sure that better looking people are ‘happier’; they certainly struggle with losing their looks when aging…

what did your own mum think about looks?

Was it important to her how you looked?

Some food for thought for you.

Maybe you could discuss this with a therapist; and break any inter generational cycles that may be sneaking into your parenting…

How old are they? How do you even know if they’re conventionally attractive or not? All little kids just look like kids to me. As long as they are healthy, confident, clean and dress well they will be seen as attractive tbh.

Reminds me of an influencer I sometimes see online. Two of her three are really unfortunate looking - and people comment on it on Tattle!

I think this is a great learning moment as this is clearly something you think about a lot. One of the many things you cant control. Let it go and your kids may have a happier life than youve had.

You still married your husband and have a happy life with him presumably so I’m sure they’ll be fine. If I’m being honest DH isn’t a looker either, but we’re living our best life and DGAF ✌🏻

No I haven't had these thoughts

Is this how what goes through people's minds who have always been attractive in life?
I'm not attractive so can't say I'd be thinking like this

Anyone being derogatory about a child’s appearance is a lost soul. Completely pathetic.

I’m sorry that you know of this from Tattle, that does NOT reflect well on you.

That website is a poisonous cesspit and will bring your life nothing good. find different ways to spend your scrolling time

I am not a beauty but was quite pretty when younger, my dc are more than usually plain, as is my dh, I get it op. They are still fabulous though.

My daughter is extremely beautiful. Since she was a baby it was commented on. My son is bang average . Kind and bright but even now people will comment on DD whilst DS stands there . I am aware DD is beautiful . I am average . It has been quite eye opening watching people react to DD and allowing her to get away with a lot more due to her looks.

i don’t think it’s odd you have noticed your children arent attractive. It’s just you being honest. It won’t stop them leaving a great life.

Some of the most beautiful children grow up with less attractive features. My friend was a stunning child model and he did not age well. My partner wasn’t someone I’d have looked twice at even in his early 20s but he was a late bloomer and gets lots of attention now.

there’s nothing wrong with not seeing conventionally pleasing kids but it might not be for their whole life.

As other posters have noted, your DH isn't conventionally attractive, but it doesn't matter to you, because he's a good person with other qualities you find more important - so being super pretty isn't the most important thing.

I have a friend who is for all purposes incredibly beautiful - and used to be a model when younger. I really don't think it's as much of an advantage as you might think. She's a very poor judge of character, because men are falling over themselves to be nice to her. It's all superficial charm and chat-up lines, but she really isn't aware it's not genuine because she's so used to this kind of interaction.

I think a lot of attractiveness, especially with kids, comes from presenting them nicely, managing their weight, and keeping their teeth clean . Nicely done hair and a pretty or cool outfit depending on the age will set them up well for building friendships and for preferable treatment from teachers at school.

My mum really failed me in this aspect even though I grew up and was told should be a model all the time, I had zero confidence from an upbringing of unbrushed teeth and hand me down clothes leading to me being labelled ugly. I really put effort into making sure my kids always look their best and have cool school bags etc

Are you beyonce?

Are there some other adults in their life - uncles, aunties, friends - who can spend time with your kids to help them develop healthy self-esteem? Your priorities and attitudes will leak out on them even without words. Kids know what their parents think of them. It would be good for your kids to be able to spend some time with adults with different priorities. Maybe one auntie is good at sports, a friend is crafty, one has an amazing job. Let your kids have experiences without you so that they can find out their own strengths and learn their true value.

I'm not remotely objective about my children and I did honestly think they were the most beautiful children, beyond comparison! I still think they're all very handsome men 😊

I don't think that the most beautiful children always grow up into beautiful adults, they often don't. On the other hand, my friend's children were rather ugly babies and toddlers but have grown up into very attractive young women so it works both ways!

@GoldenGirl85 I think it's completely fine to have these thoughts, and to express them here - it's an anonymous forum, it's what is it for!

I think on the attractiveness issue, and why it bothers you, it's far more likely to be linked to something within yourself, perhaps you placing an undue value on your looks (whereas you describe your DH as having all sorts of other lovely qualities - but I'm quite sure you have these or others too!). You are more than your looks.

Most children look cute IMO - you don't say their ages, but I have never, I think, looked at a child and thought - they weren't good looking; perhaps occasionally I note that a child has particularly lovely features.

As teens, they will all change, boys very dramatically, IME. I have a 16 & 14 yo boy and I get occasional pangs as they (I believe!) are handsome boys but of course they are no longer the cute little boys I adored - aligned to challenging teen behaviour, they sometimes seem very unattractive to me! My DD is 18 now, she wasn't particularly beautiful as a child, I think - but to me, of course she was so I can't really know how true that is or not, but she really is stunning now, lots of people say so, and I really can see it in photos etc BUT really, that is a lot due to her confidence, a lovely, warm personality and the ability to dress / do her hair / wear make up very adeptly, which I think pretty much all girls do these days. I rarely look at photo of her with friends without thinking - gosh they are gorgeous.

So in essence - I don't think, in relation to your DC, you need to worry. I don't particularly subscribe to the idea that very beautiful / attractive people have an added advantage. I do think the ability to present oneself, dress well, appear confident, speak articulately, engage easily are important skills but those will come from you / DH or their life experience. It could be worth questioning your own views on looks / how you look, just in terms of seeing yourself through a wider lens?

I hope a friend of mine rocks up on this thread.
She.is conventionally intelligent plus has a sharpness of wit and a depth of perception that make her insights remarkable.
She had kids that were slow to read, not gifted at maths or music or anything really.
Like you she did reflect on it. 20 years on, she's been an awesome mum to those kids who have found their niche and importantly feel successful in it. My friend also unpicked a lot about her amazing academic career, which had been pushed, fawned over and snidely remarked on as a child and young woman.

She's turned out to be amazing and her kids even more so.