My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

I was going to post very similar - my mum was like this too, very critical. And the same looking back at old photos I can see I was actually ok, but believed I was incredibly ugly, and she actually was the below average one!
We are NC now because she was more like a wicked fairytale step mother than a mother, but I doubt mine has got better with age.

Remember, you married their father not for his good looks but all his other genuine qualities that he has a choice over. Your children have the chance to inherit all of those and be respected for their true worth and meet a partner like you

It isn’t ridiculous. My two older children (by first husband) are very striking and very attractive. Everyone has always commented on it since they were young and their looks have grown with them. They are very slender so clothes look great on them and have great bone structure. My youngest (different husband) is definitely not as conventionally attractive. I don’t love him any less but it’s a fact.

I'm very plain and my ex-DH wouldn't stand out in quite crowd, either.
Our DC are unremarkable looking, but they have beautiful energy and are funny, kind, quirky kids who dance to their own tune.
Having never been beautiful/pretty, I never really expected to pop out stunners, so I'm really invested in their looks.

That doesn't make it any less depressing or sadder.
A world where parents look at their children and judge their physical attractiveness is not one I want to be part of.
I'm actually quite disgusted.

You haven't given a second thought about what your kids look like? Really? So you've never called them cute, or told them they look pretty in a dress, or handsome, or gorgeous, or lovely? At least the OP is being honest about something most people find difficult to talk about. You aren't.

It's a mistake to place too much emphasis on whether children are pretty. They can change a lot especially boys I find, because they have a sort of late phase growth spurt.

For example I used to know a couple with two children. A boy and a girl. Went to the same school as my DCs and occasionally me and their mum would walk to the park after school and they'd play. Neither kid seemed anything special. They moved away and I didn't see them for 12 years.

Then last year, I went to my nieces Graduation. Who do I see but this family. Daughter still fairly average, but the son was graduating too. They called him over.

Omg!! You know when a man is not just good looking but beautiful? Absolutely jaw dropping gorgeous. All the testosterone had kicked in and he is stunning. He looks like neither parent that's what's odd.

I've seen similar and I've seen the reverse. A really pretty child grows up and becomes average.

In fact it's probably better to have interesting looking kids that are tall, many models are actually not so beautiful but have canvas faces with interesting angles and long limbs.

Agreed. Your parents are the ones who are supposed to love you.No matter what. They're meant to see the best in you.

If your own parents a judge in your looks and thinking you are unattractive, I don't know where to start with that.

Just when I thought I'd read it all on here.

'I'm terribly beautiful, but my children are mingers. What's a girl to do?!' 😩

Did you put this on Facebook last week @GoldenGirl85 It had the tagline...

"My Beautiful Angels Are Back To School Today! 😍"

(Sorry, I'm only messing! I couldn't resist!) 😆

Not sure whether this is true or not but I enjoyed it immensely, you gorgeous and/or repulsive beast

1. it doesnt matter, and 2. you cant easily tell who is going to make a good looking adult when they are a child. Some of the weirdest looking kids are beautiful looking adults.

I can’t stop laughing at your bare faced nerve to call your kids ugly your not going to win mother of the year are you 😂😂😂😂😂

Despite what you might read on here hon I completely understand where you're coming from and it's ok to have these thoughts, but as you know we must keep them to ourselves 💐

As someone whose mother felt she needed to say positive things about my appearance as a teenager, therefore making it abundantly clear she thought I was a bit of a bug, can I just suggest you don't do that.

Sure it isn’t helpful but sometimes people just need to be told straight:

My first thought was holy shit.

Some thoughts you have to keep in your head!

We are a similar couple as you describe and I admit a dark part of me is relieved dds look like me facially and not Dh lovely and adorable as he is his strong features look good on a man but would not on young girls.

Is this post serious

You need to educate yourself on the politics of desirability in society so that you can be an advocate for your children and not a source of potential insecurities.

Here’s a place to start

I think as a conventionally beautiful person maybe you’ve been taught to value looks a lot more highly than you really should. In my experience it’s also always people who were very beautiful in their youth who struggle most with the outward effects of ageing, again presumably for the same reason.

Youre not wrong to feel this way, how could you not if prettiness been such a cornerstone of your self esteem. But I think it’s probably a good moment for some unpacking why you feel that way and do a bit of work on yourself so your kids don’t inherit this mindset, regardless of what they look like.

Gorgeousness has nothing to do with how a persons face has been laid out, in my experience.

For what it's worth, I don't think it makes you sound shallow. It's normal to want the best for your kids, including for them to be attractive (for their own sakes, rather than yours). I think most children are actually not striking, so if yours aren't, that's the norm. They will grow into their best selves x

@Pricelessadvice Interesting observation, I’m noticing this among DD’s (20) peers. The one who was stunning at 14 doesn’t stand out as much now, while others are growing into their looks. As you say, some people peak earlier than others.

My DD is very attractive but has a chronic debiltating illness. I would give anything for her to be healthy and unattractive.

People will think I am shallow, but I look at the kids working in my local supermarket (they all wear yoga pants or leggings under a jacket now- a few are slim, shaped like models, billowy blond or black hair (tied back for work). A few are overweight, with flat faces, eyes like currents in dumpling and walk with a waddle. I want to chat with the pretty confident ones and usually do I I like to see their smiles and dimples. See, I am hateful and I can't help it.