My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

I'm not judging you op, but I am slightly judging people who (proudly!) monetise their children's beauty by putting them up for modelling.

Even if I was very short of money I'd go to great lengths not to do that, it feels so cheapening. My kids' beauty is sacred to me, like a rare endangered insect or something. They are the only two kids in the whole world that dh and I made, they're rarer (to me) than any precious artefact. How can one glibly sell that!

I do think you need to change your mindset, op. They're your own unique children.

Some thoughts you have to keep in your head

Or discuss them on an anonymous forum?

There's a lot of judgemental people on this thread who I suspect are lying to themselves and/or us. You can love someone and notice that they are not attractive.

My friend has a son who is absolutely beautiful who is in his teens and is already very charismatic and popular with the girls. My friend tells his son that he got lucky with his looks, they are simple genetics, he did nothing to earn them and should be embarrassed for thinking they mean anything to anyone and instead to focus on building skills and character. Being very beautiful can be hard work ! Be grateful your children don't have that burden.

🍿

What am I reading? I think you need to seriously chill out if you're worried about having ugly children.

Jesus fecking Christ.

A comparison I've made before on a thread like this - do you have a dog? (I don't. But most people seem to have one)

Have you ever looked at your dog and thought hmm, "those eyebrows are a bit asymmetrical, we could fill one in with pencil. Maybe he needs a bit of lipstick or an ear pinning operation". No, never. Your dog is your own cute little pal and you wouldn't change a thing, what a good boy he is.

So why don't we think like that about our kids?

Your children aren't as good looking as you because you're not as good looking as you think you are. Attractiveness goes way deeper than looks. And I find the very notion of a parent calling their children unattractive deeply unattractive. Repulsive, actually.

Your children aren't as good looking as you because you're not as good looking as you think you are. Attractiveness goes way deeper than looks. And I find the very notion of a parent calling their children unattractive deeply unattractive. Repulsive, actually.

Christ I feel bad for your kids! What a awful thing to say about them! Who gives a damn what they look like? Oh wait YOU do! 😡😡😡

Coming from the other side. My son is especially good looking (not just biased as confirmed by literally everyone he meets) and even though hes only five he now has this perception of himself as being 'Very handsome" which isn't something i would want him to believe is above kindness and other amazing qualities which I would focus on for him. He is very kind and a lovely boy but everyone hyper focuses on his attractiveness. At the end of the day when our looks fade our personality doesn't. He also has attracted a lot of creepy attention which I have done since being a child and I remember being super uncomfortable as a child.

My only DC is not conventionally attractive either; but that would be because he is in a wheelchair and has severe learning difficulties. He is perfect to me though.

I suppose that you are entitled to admit your innermost thoughts on here....I am likewise entitled though to state that I find reading them triggering and offensive and I can't help that. Just saying. How about you focus on counting your blessings instead of counting your problems?

Are any highly successful catwalk models conventionally beautiful? Usually not. I agree society seems kinder to the beautiful at times, but as an older person than you, I can categorically say that some people just get more attractive as they age, and it isn’t always the conventionally beautiful children we always remember. Also, by the time this generation of wkids are adults, I guess they will be able to change most things they dislike about themselves relatively easily. It’s not shallow to think the thoughts though.

Yes, I agree, I think it's more to do with having certain expectations about your children and then getting something different. I turned out more attractive than my dad was expecting, but not such a nice daughter as he probably hoped (although I got better with time, I hope!)

Don’t worry, so long as you never let your children know that you think this and show them unconditional love they will very likely grow into confident, successful adults. It’s when parents tell children they are not attractive or compare them unfavourably to their siblings or other family members that causes harm. As a teenager when I received my exam results my mother told me that they had always considered me ‘the brains’ and my sister ‘the beauty’ then said ‘It turns out she’s both and you’re neither!’. I have always felt inferior ever since and am still treated as such by my sister.

I'm not judging you op, but I am slightly judging people who (proudly!) monetise their children's beauty by putting them up for modelling.

@MumoftwoNC I wouldn’t do this personally, but I know someone IRL (now in her 50’s like me) whose parents let her and her brother star in TV adverts in the 1980’s. They put the money away for them and it’s been useful for them as adults.

So it can work out for some people if their parents aren’t using them as cash cows.

Haven’t you? I think that’s bizarre.

Sorry but as Mum to a 5yr old I cannot imagine thinking a 5 year old is especially good looking?! They all look like little children at that age, and it weirds me out actually that so many people are commenting on a 5 year olds looks? I have never and can’t imagine thinking a 5yr old is good looking.

It is not about how attractive or not your children are, it is about how healthy they are, how you socialise them into adult life, how healthily you feed them, and whether you make sure they are loved and rounded human beings.

Let’s not pretend - some kids are unfortunate looking.

Looking back at photos of my DC’s, they have different faces almost every year. We all have our awkward stages, I’m sure!

The vast majority of children & adults aren't good looking & most dc grow into their looks.

I think that pretty privilege is overstated a bit and people who do claim experience it are more confident than anything else.

Agree with this because beauty is so subjective.

I know what you mean, but imagine if your kids were total assholes? Honestly I think this comes from you yourself being given a lot of praise of how you look growing up. You mentioned you have been considered attractive.

maybr people have made you feel that your looks equate to your value. People did that to me as well. I felt people placed value on my looks over anything else I had to offer. You're probably going to struggle if you lose your looks. Not your fault, but because of the way society has made you feel (ie that your worth is in your looks).

I mean I get it if money is very very tight, if they had literally no other way of bringing money in. You do what you must.

But I'd cringe if I saw my own kids in a TV advert for any Tom Dick and Harry to watch and comment on. And once it's made it's out there forever.

This is an interesting post, as it's how the OP feels. There's no right or wrong way to feel about this, as people should say the OP shouldn't, but look at how celeb kids are judged. Gossip posts were praising how attractive Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitts baby was going to be, based on her parents looks. But on the same hand Blue Ivy was bashed based on her dad Jay Z's features.

Beauty is subjective and is in the eye of the beholder, but realistically we all live in the real world, and there's no denying that attractive people have a certain privilege.