Rude Step Children

[Thehappy]

Hi, I am new to this and o am after some advice.
i have been with my partner eight years, we have been a blended family for seven.
I find his kids to be rude to me for no reason at all.
they come into the house and totally ignore me, they don't say hello, good ye or goodnight to me. Or my two children who live with us permanently.
i have the children while my partner works one week after school and the next I get them up and ready for school. I can not drop them or collect them from school but I can get them to bed and get them up for school.
i book, wash, clean their bedroom, iron their clothes, do their school lunches. Weekly for them and I feel quite upset that this keeps happening.I have them more than their dad most of the time.
I have addressed this before with my partner and I have again today. His response was oh i will speak to them. I don't feel like it should be me bringing this to his attention. He was aware they had walked into the house and went straight upstairs knowing I was on the kitchen.
Am I being over sensitive.
The children are 9 and 10. So for me this is basic manners, my children are older and have never not greeted anyone or used their manners. Maybe it's me. Help it is really getting me down where I am losing patience with the situation

😫😫😫 you spent £4k of your own money on his custody battle? How long had you been together at this point?

This has to end. You’re taking from your children to give to this man and his ungrateful and rude children.

Nanny with a fanny is right.

I’ve only read the first page of this, but it is really striking to me that you’ve been in these children’s lives since they were toddlers but communication around behaviour is sent by your husband by text. To me, that is the most extraordinary way to communicate with primary aged children.
I teach year six and there are children who need to be actively reminded to use their mannersevery day - it’s not unique to your stepchildren- but the point of the adults around them is to do that guiding and teaching. So when they arrive you can initiate the conversation, and then, if they refuse to acknowledge you, you can say, “this is the point in the conversation where you say to me “oh hi thehappy””. You can almost make light of it - but make a point of it, and wait for them to do it. If they get texts from their father telling them to be polite they will see you as the enemy and see defiance as a worthwhile objective.
It can take ages for changes to happen (like months) so I wouldn’t expect miracles

Hi, this has gone on for years. I always initiate the conversation ask are they ok have they had a nice day at school and they just answer with yeah. Nit oh this or that happened. Which I am fine with they don't have to tell me that information. I am not their parent.
They are rude to me to my partners grandmother also, they never greet her which is odd as she has always been on their lives.
They will ask me for food or drinks or say what can I wear today or maybe his daughter will say will you do my hair or iron this way her hair and dry it. Which I always will do. But then they ignore me again. Maybe I'm just being to sensitive but when your hubjbg your all and getting nothing back it's hard. I've got two children of my own and at 9 and 10 I can honestly say I never had to remind them to say hello goodbye please or thanks you that was instilled in them already at that age.

@Thehappy, with respect, you’re putting up with so much shit from all of them. I can’t believe you think your partner is good, he treats you so badly. I’m really worried about why you seem so determined to excuse him and accept the total shit he gives you. Why are you still trying to please them all?

I really think a home with you and your two lovely children, without any of them, would be so much better for you and your kids. The example you’re setting your daughter is that a woman must break her neck to please others, and accept being treated lower than a dog

Interesting that you mention please and thank you @Thehappy. I’m starting to think the importance of these small words are forgotten / never been taught to the younger generation.

My closest friend’s teenage daughter can be a bit of a madam (as I suspect we all were as teenage girls, I certainly had my moments) but she wanted something from me and it was very much phrased as a demand as in “Give me this Hundred”. I looked her at her and said “please”. Cue much hair flicking and eye rolling and “I don’t have to say please”. 🙄I gave her ‘the look’ (one disdainful raised eyebrow perfected after years of dealing with difficult people) and said “you do if you want something from me”. More hair flicking then I finally get a please (meanwhile teenage brother is rolling around the floor laughing). She’s never made that mistake with me again. This is a lighthearted example but I have very clear expectations about how I expect to be treated. If you don’t treat me with respect and politeness, you will get absolutely nowhere with me. Set your boundaries with these children - and your husband.

From all your posts, you sound absolutely lovely! Too lovely. Do not allow yourself to be trampled on. You can still be a nice person AND have boundaries.

Ahh thank you, I'm too soft for my own good until I've had enough. We are having the talk this evening about moving forward. I've had the guilt trip already about he will have to go back to court and I'm refusing to help him with his kids. Makes me feel bad but nobody is taking into consideration how I feel. I do believe he is a big part of the issue. My 17 yer old son said to me if he done more you wouldnt feel like a glorified baby sitter and he is right.
My nature is if I can help anyone I will do but it's done me no favours here.

And I totally agree it's crazy some children don't have manners. My cousins son is the same but I will tell him
off and refuse him things if he doesn't use his manners. I don't feel I can do that with my partners children as nobody tells them off so wouldn't want to over step the mark.
My daughter goes mad at me and says I do too much for everyone. I am also just recovering my skin cancer removal and this hasn't been considered either which makes me feel crap.
Thanks so much for your help with this. X

Just say you can’t look after them for a few weeks and DH sort them out

I think you need to listen to your son and daughter. They sound like very switched on kids and you’ve brought them up well. Shame your partner doesn’t follow your parenting example.

Good luck for your talk this evening. We’re all here supporting you so stay strong and don’t fall back into people pleasing! Sorry to hear about your skin cancer removal. That makes them sound like even bigger arseholes! If you won’t listen to us, listen to your kids and put your foot down. Xx

Arseholes? They're 9 and 10 years old!

So?!!!

Stop doing everything for them
He probably only wanted to go to court for 50/50 so that he wouldn't have to maintenance to a mother who actually wanted to do all this nurturing and looking after that you don't want to do, they'd rather a parent was going it, he is taking the p getting you to do it for free, their mum still has to pay for a big house for them too with no maintenance. This whole thing makes my blood boil it's what my ex is trying to do to me and is only possible as nanny with the fanny like you will give free childcare

Why pay child maintenance to someone who wants to care for her own children when his gf will do it for free

He's not replaying you the 4K? Then you should be charging him what he would pay to her in maintenance until it's all paid back and then leave him

Ps 'he says I do too much for my own daughter'
'I'm too sensitive'

He sounds narcissistic when you're not serving him you're pointless

"I've had the guilt trip already about he will have to go back to court and I'm refusing to help him with his kids."

Bloody outrageous behaviour on his part. Emotional blackmail and heaping the guilt on you for HIS shortcomings as a parent. This is on HIM, not you.

No doubt he will kick off and try every tactic in the book rather than face up to his own responsibilities. I'm so cross on your behalf.

Ahh thanks for your support. He has said he totally understands where I am coming from and he doesn't know what he will do, I've suggested changing his job so he is more available for his kids because he works shifts he not around. He also works overtime some weekends but that then again leaves me with his children. So I have said I'm not prepared to do that and I am not looking after them while he isn't around not doing lunches, cleaning their bedroom (as much as I will feel awful allowing them here to an untidy bedroom when the rest of the house is immaculate) he is going to speak to their mum and see if they can change their arrangements. Their mum has instilled into the kids they don't and shouldn't have a relationship with me or my children so I do feel bad on them as they may feel torn and disloyal to their mother having any sort of relationship with me. However they all can't take from me and expect me to look after them (their mum included, she sees her boyfriend on Tuesdays so won't have them, so I am ok for that) and I get nothing in return. X

Oh no mum lives with her parents still and the two children live there too. She has a new boyfriend so has said she can't have the kids on Tuesdays he needs to rely on me or his own mum, who won't have them as she works. I also do too, full time in a managerial roll in quite a high pressure job.
The maintenance agreement is he pays for clothes the kids phone bills and their out of school activities so he does contribute and has his contact, well my contact mainly these days 🤦🏼‍♀️ I still feel guilty but I have said I won't be having them without him anymore and he will have to take full responsibility for them like I do my own children. I do everything for my own kids with no help from anyone or maintenance for their father. So I am more than aware this can be done xx

He sweat he will pay the money back, I doubt it. He pays for other things for the kids. That is their arrangement. He buys all their clothes uniforms pays their phone bills and pays for their after school activities so he does contribute but says he will have to pay more if they don't stay here. But he isn't always here so why are they staying. Mum sometimes drops them at half eight just to go get a bath or shower and then I put them to bed as she stays at her boyfriends on Tuesdays. Crazy behaviour if you ask me. As rude as the kids are I do feel for them they are pulled from
pillar to post. Left with me who their mum has always said they are not to have a relationship with. It's a total nightmare I feel like my emotions are everywhere I feel guilty and like a bad person for not helping but I'm getting walked all over x

Oh that was another story where I threw him out over my daughter.
My kids re my life they come before anything I've been ask her mum for 9 years managed them alone and I will always do my best by them and he knows if he doesn't like that he can leave at anytime because they will always be my first x

The Hank you so much, I have stated my case he's accepted it agrees I do too much and because I naturally do it he said sometimes it does go unnoticed. He is going to try and change the arrangements with his ex for the kids. See how that goes down. As their is a court order he thinks he is stuck but I said that isn't my problem his mum needs to support and only when absolutely desperate come to me.id I'm honest, I feel so so guilty but I know this is the best thing to do. It's the cause of most of our arguments also and I'm not being in an unhappy home just to people please anymore. Xx

That’s hilarious, he wants to load childcare on to his own mum when his own partner has put some fair boundaries in. He certainly sees childcare as womens work when actually the responsibility is his, not his mums or yours

Wow Op what a turn around. It sounded like he came up with some possible solutions.

omg i feel so sorry for those kids, they are doing it because their mum is telling them!!! That is awful and that kind of emotional abuse can cause a lifetime of pain. She needs to give herself a strong talking to, how can you want to do that to your kids. Their dad needs to intervene and talk to them about it not being ok and how they can navigate it. So hard when its their actual mum.

hold firm OP, you are emotionally safeguarding your kids foremost, cos if your not happy they wont be. Its not your mess to sort out. You’ve shown your limit, now let the two parents of these kids find theirs. Whats gone on is not ok. These kids will remember when they grow up, I did

if shes got a job or unless shes completely available she will have to play ball if your DP holds a boundary

omg I’m so upset for those kids as i was a kid in that position, although my mum just used to slag off the new women and call her scrubber but she never said what we must do when we were there. She had been my mums best friend so completely different. Still not ok, my mum was very emotionally abusive to us.

Dont even be an option in emergency until their mum cam find her Adult self. Its the only way. Have a firm tight boundary

They are 9 and 10
And it looks like no one has taught them manners. Just give them a good example. Greet them. What happens when they go to leave and you say ' see you later, have a nice day?' Do they reply? Or do you wait for them to say goodbye first?