Rude Step Children

[Thehappy]

Hi, I am new to this and o am after some advice.
i have been with my partner eight years, we have been a blended family for seven.
I find his kids to be rude to me for no reason at all.
they come into the house and totally ignore me, they don't say hello, good ye or goodnight to me. Or my two children who live with us permanently.
i have the children while my partner works one week after school and the next I get them up and ready for school. I can not drop them or collect them from school but I can get them to bed and get them up for school.
i book, wash, clean their bedroom, iron their clothes, do their school lunches. Weekly for them and I feel quite upset that this keeps happening.I have them more than their dad most of the time.
I have addressed this before with my partner and I have again today. His response was oh i will speak to them. I don't feel like it should be me bringing this to his attention. He was aware they had walked into the house and went straight upstairs knowing I was on the kitchen.
Am I being over sensitive.
The children are 9 and 10. So for me this is basic manners, my children are older and have never not greeted anyone or used their manners. Maybe it's me. Help it is really getting me down where I am losing patience with the situation

Mmmm a tricky one.

I wonder how much of discussion has been had with the kids. They are children after all and are probably harbouring all sorts of strong emotions that manifest in anger and poor behaviour. This being ignored will not help anyone. If I'd been separated from my mum (even if justified) i would have found it dreadful and upsetting and would have been very resentful of any woman 'taking her place'. It's a situation that needs very delicate handling -led by your DH.

So I think on one hand you're not expecting much (basic manners) but on the other you're expecting a lot (carrying on as normal even though their little lives have been turned upside down).

You and DH together need to have a conversation with them. Discuss with them what 'manners' really are, why they are important and what you expect. Be clear as they aren't clairvoyant and need clear expectations set , that they understand.

Your DH needs to have separate chats about the other emotional fallout and deal with that.

A tough gig for you all.

Sit them down and explain that manners like saying Please, Thank you, Hello, I'm home, Goodbye, see you later etc are not optional. You don't care if they don't like you but they need to be polite and this is the same expectation you have of your own kids. If they don't want to use manners then you will stop doing anything for them.

NRTFT

Stop

Stop making lunches
Stop being a skivvy
Let your DH deal with his rude, ungrateful kids

Just stop

The kids don't know another arrangement to be honest as my partner and their mum spot when the youngest was under one and there has only ever been me since.
I don't believe the ex has helped the situation she is very jealous even though they split over a year negure I met my partner and had nothing to do with the breakup.
Hopefully things change in the near future. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. Thanks for your advice too

Why on earth are you doing this, I notice he's a partner not a husband. You do not have any children together so why live together, couldn't you have a relationship living apart, then he would have to sort out his kids lunches and clothes, you wouldn't even have to see his kids if you didn't want to.
If you have been together for 8 years and living as a blended family for 7 you moved in pretty quickly, was it his idea? What would have happened if you had said to him you want a relationship without living together at least until his youngest is 18, would he have respected your wishes or been out there interviewing candidates to be a live in nanny.

Hi, thanks for your advice. He ended up moving in with me because his house sold and then we bought together. I have suggested in the last we live separate as I feel I would be happier that way but he says that won't work you can't be together for this long and not live together. He is great to me in all other ways it's just this situation with his vhindren that's getting me down and I just don't see it getting any better. He says he tells them to be polite but clearly they don't listen because they walked out of my home Wednesday morning without a thankyou or goodbye . My own kids thank me and greet me. For me it's basic manners that are taught from a young age. I'm struggling understand how at 9 and 10 this is not instilled and my partners answer to this is he doesn't know what else he can do other then ask them to use their manners

He saw you coming didn’t he? I can’t believe you contributed £4k to his court costs - the man has no shame!

He keeps saying I will get it back but I won't. If this had all worked out well then I wouldn't be bothered so much but I'm just taken for granted now s to be honest I've done it to myself by doing too much

I’m sure you have the best intentions but I’m sure the kids would rather be with their mum if their dad isn’t available. It was not very nice of him to go through court to have time with them when he is not there.
so the kids aren’t going to be grateful as they don’t want to be there!
I think you definitely need to stop having them when their dad isn’t there. Tell him their mum can either have them and cancel her plans (which presumably she would want as she fought against him having them as much) or their dad has to be there to look after them.
If they didn’t have a mum at all then yes treat them like your own but considering they also have a mum and a dad your priority should be your own kids.

Can you afford to move out with your kids?

Why has his mum pulled back?

why can’t their dad do their parenting when at your house?

they are angry and resentful and taking it out on you. And it doesn’t sound like anyone is challenging them.

what are relations like with their mum? Are they in between bad feeling?

Of course you don’t have to live together…you be together 20 years and choose not to live together

a lot of people wouldn’t live together until children are grown.

of course there is stuff he can do..it’s called consequences, “if ginny tells me you’ve ignored her again there is no tv or whatever” but I’d first check they aren’t doing it because they’ve been told to or are resentful or feel stuck in between and are expressing unvoiced anger that’s around

it’s not working for you, rethink living arrangements

This dreadful man (not a 'partner' in any sense of the word) is leeching off you and your kids.

You're housing him, paying him, raising his offspring for him. How do you and your kids benefit from this man?
I hope you find the strength to remove the man from your property.

Life is for enjoying.

Edited: oh no, just saw you gave up your property to buy a house with this bloke. A bit trickier to extrapolate yourself from, but can be sorted within a few months once it sells.

You say to him 'I will not be looking after your rude children on Tuesday next week. I have plans and am going out to see a friend. Unless you want them to be here alone whilst you are at work I suggets you come up with some alternative arrangements. And I will no longer be lifting a finger to cook, wash, iron or make pack ups for people who are too ignorant to speak to me in my own home. I hope I've made myself clear'.

And then you stick to it. You shrug at any complaints and say, 'I'm not the servant and I'm not obliged to do anything I choose not to do. This is what the lack of gratitude and manners has resulted in'.

I would have been chucked out the house if I’d been rude to my dads partner…and she’s been my mum’s best friend!!!

can believe this is being tolerated. He is also setting his kids up to think ignoring people is ok or a way to get what you want

So you say hi and bye to them and they just completely ignore you?
If my DC did that at that age I'd be asking them what was wrong. Is there something they're upset about? Do they ignore you when you speak at other times or specifically when you say hi and bye?

Maybe the next time the children are rude you should pull them up on it. "Hey, where are your manners? It costs nothing to say please and thank you" or "you both left this morning without saying goodbye, we don't act like that in this household". If they or your partner don't like it then tough.

This week i said arnt yous saying hello to me anymore? And his daughter sarcastically said hiiii ns he never said a word until I mentioned it later and then he said oh I will speak to them he said he didn't realise until he heard me speaking to his daughter. Hours before i mentioned anything so he did know and accepted it. I will pull them on it in future as something needs to give and clearly him reminding them isn't working. Thanks for your advice. I'm always so conscious of over stepping the line with them not being my children It's so hard x

Lesson one don't expect kids, any kids to be grateful. They have no choice in this situation, and can you honestly say your own kids are grateful?
However that does NOT excuse them being rude. All sit down your feckless husband too and set some rules and boundaries. His message obviously had no effect. Then listen to anything they say first, then put in your minimum expectations.
If my kids friends come over at whatever age I expect a hello and a goodbye, if they don't then my kids remind them or they won't come again simple.
The SC can get their own breakfasts, and have school lunch as you don't need the extra work, or feckless husband can do it the night before ( does not take a genius to work out and actually while he's at it make you kids and yours)
I spent years as a single mum taking son to football twice a week, lots of other ppl took siblings along so his daughter can go too, extra time with Dad, she can take homework or book and occupy herself or just watch.
Last problem Every other Tuesday, you now have a commitment, they stay home with Mum or swap to day when feckless husband is home and go out! Sit in the bloody car somewhere if you can't think of anything else to do and scroll on your phone for a bit of peace, gym, family, friends,club and don't go home until after bedtime. If he doesn't like it we'll tough!

Just to add, it's like training a dog, don't say hello, call them back and insist. Don't say thank you take it back until they do. You are trying to make them like you, but are getting resentful so be consistent. Good luck

Oh, OP you have bigger problems than rude stepchildren.

He is a freeloader, any decent man would be extremely grateful for the support and back you up.

You are not his babysitter, despite what he thinks. His daughter goes with him when he takes his son to his sports.
If they are due to come when he's not going to be home, ask him what he's arranging for his kids until he gets home as you are not his babysitter.

He is now responsible for their washing, breakfast & packed lunches.
You are not tolerating this level of rudeness and disrespect in your own home. If they cannot show basic manners then you are doing nothing for them.

He will not take you seriously and do anything until it affects him. So let it affect him.

I get why you are pissed, I would be too.

BUT

From the kids perspective, we all know that as DC don’t understand emotions the way that we do, we as adults age. To interpret their behaviour to see what they are unhappy with.

Yes these kids are rude, but it sounds to me that they resent you because YOU are doing the caring and not their parents. So they take it out on you because they still need/want approval of their parents.
plus kids generally don’t ’see’ what we do at those ages.

While this may have been an ongoing arrangement, as they age and mature DC understand their world differently and make not like what they see.

I wouldn’t just go on strike with them, they have had enough to deal with. But the schedule would have to change and dad actually do what he should be, cos I’d be fucked if I’d continue doing his job for him.

I can remember having clients like your DP, they'd fight for years to get increased contact but then not actually see their children much when they got it... reasons being work, travel, costs, you name it, I've seen it used as an excuse.
Your DP should make himself available to see the DC when they are staying at yours.
And there's no reason why you should treat his DC the same as your own. They are not yours, and if you split, you'll not even have a right to see them. Be kind, by all means, but they are not your children.

The problem is that you’re not really a blended family and you can’t successfully blend with someone who doesn’t share fundamental principles like manners. The kids see you as someone they live with who also does cleaning etc and your OH is clearly fine with that.
If they’ve never done things like say thank you and hello then it will take a lot of work to change that and based on your OH’s attitude, it will never happen.

Your problem isn’t rude stepchildren, it’s your OH being a lazy parent and not believing in thingss like manners.