Rude Step Children

[Thehappy]

Hi, I am new to this and o am after some advice.
i have been with my partner eight years, we have been a blended family for seven.
I find his kids to be rude to me for no reason at all.
they come into the house and totally ignore me, they don't say hello, good ye or goodnight to me. Or my two children who live with us permanently.
i have the children while my partner works one week after school and the next I get them up and ready for school. I can not drop them or collect them from school but I can get them to bed and get them up for school.
i book, wash, clean their bedroom, iron their clothes, do their school lunches. Weekly for them and I feel quite upset that this keeps happening.I have them more than their dad most of the time.
I have addressed this before with my partner and I have again today. His response was oh i will speak to them. I don't feel like it should be me bringing this to his attention. He was aware they had walked into the house and went straight upstairs knowing I was on the kitchen.
Am I being over sensitive.
The children are 9 and 10. So for me this is basic manners, my children are older and have never not greeted anyone or used their manners. Maybe it's me. Help it is really getting me down where I am losing patience with the situation

Why did he fight for courted access if he wouldn't be there? Was it so he didn't have to pay child support? If he's not there their mum should look after them and he should up his CS. They won't want to leave their parent to hang out with you and your children, no matter how nice you are to them. I feel like your anger is misplaced, the kids are clearly having a shit time. The really rube one is your partner who's totally taking you for a ride.

They don’t respect you because your partner doesn’t respect you. He is treating you like shit. I would be fuming if I was taken to court for access and then he couldn’t get Ben be fucked to see the children during that time, he is a piss taker

I think part of the issue is your DH is talking to them on your behalf. If you are looking after them in loco parentis then talk to them about it directly. We are a blended family and I treat all the kids the same, which means telling them off as needed, as I would my biological kids. My teens will sometimes come in and go straight upstairs if they've had a tough day or are grumpy, I go to them and make light of it 'did you forget to say hi when you came in?' or similar. If you're relying on their Dad who isn't there at the time to correct their behaviour then they probably don't feel like a part of YOUR family. They are young kids, maybe they had a tough day or perhaps they are being influenced by their Mum.or another relative, or perhaps they feel irritated that your moaning about them to their Dad rather than just talking to them.

All kids can seem ungrateful at times, it's our job to remind them of their manners, and in my experience, doing that 'in the moment' is more effective.

Fellow SM here.

I see so much of this shit on the SP board.

As a SM you are seemingly expected to all/any "parenting" that benefits the actual parents but are considered to be the devil incarnate if you over-step (pun intended) this magical line where you assert your (and your children's) own perfectly reasonable boundaries.

I made clear from the start with DH that we had house rules (and consequences) that applied to all.

Simple expectations such as good manners, respecting other's privacy and belongings and doing age appropriate chores.

Break the house rules and the consequences are the same regardless of whether DH or I dish them out.

In the same vein I have never been free childcare. Of course I'll support/help in an emergency but when SC are here the expectation is so is he (and he always has been - again bar rare emergencies - because that's kind of the point).

The idea that you can't pull your SC up on taking you for granted and being rude as hell in your own home is ridiculous.

You need to down tools and have a total reset.

Starting with next Tuesday. Go out. Be unavailable. His DD will have to go to the sport fixture or stay with mum.

Stop making pack ups. Frankly they are at an age where my C and SC were making them themselves the night before (with some support and DH/I would make sure the appropriate food was available).

Tell your partner you are doing NOTHING until he starts to parent and you establish some basic house rules/expectations and consequences.

If he can't be arsed to do that now he will be doing all of it in the future because you'll be shipping out permanently.

You are being treated appallingly by the 3 of them. Find your backbone and stop being treated like a nanny with a fanny as a pp aptly put it.

This!!

you can do this!!!

please do it..

if they want to not have to go to sports in the cold then they will have to find their manners

agree with pp he is free loading 🤷‍♂️ I spoke to them what can I do! Answer, ensure they aren’t rude to the person who is helping him out…what would he do if they were blanking a friend who was taking them somewhere as a a favour???

Get out. I had an absolutely ghastly time with an ex and his children. I was treated so appallingly. I’m married to a lovely man now with adult children, but I absolutely grey rock and keep my distance. I am sure there are unicorns out there who find it rewarding to pour endless resources into people without the ‘bond’ but I’m not one of them.

The reason his kids are so rude is because he has no respect for you. He just dumps his responsibilities onto you. I am willing to bet the custody was just to spite his ex, not because he wanted to see his kids more. Now that he has the chance, he is not seeing them more.

OP, he is really taking advantage of you. You paid a lot of money so that he does not have to pay his ex maintenance. He doesn't give a shit about his children. From you he gets free childcare, free cleaning and additional money to be a shit dad, a shit ex and a shit partner.

Do yourself and your kids a favor and leave this loser.

My stepchildren came every other weekend and more in school holidays . I did all the bed changing and cooking and paid for the extra food. I organised days out and holidays and bought all their birthday and Christmas gifts until they started just wanting money. I also drove 60 miles to drop them home if their dad was working . I thought we got on well. I worked hard to make them feel part of the family. They are adults now and I have split with their dad . My DS ( their half brother) still lives at home but we never hear from them nowadays.

@Thehappy I feel for you. You sound like you are really trying your best for everyone. Very gently I think you have a partner problem not a step kid one.

He should be brightly calling hello to you as he comes in and saying to the kids ‘go say hi to @Thehappy before you head upstairs’.

Others have put it more forthrightly but what they say is true from what you have written this is all very convenient for him and you are doing all the drudge work of the parenting. Do you work too? Why isn’t he helping with their washing etc?

My last question is what do you get from the relationship with him? Do you feel supported?

Good luck in finding a solution.

Ahh what a shame after all what you have done for them.
i would do similar I bought all his daughters birthday presents this year and I honestly would t mind at all halving the load of it was across the board but it isn't. I need to stop feeling guilty and doing it all. It's hard when it's kids, even rude ones because I don't want them to arrive here see my kids bedrooms clean and tidy their lunches done for the next day and be thinking where is ours and why hasn't our room been done but i am going to have to do something because while I am doing it all and moaning abuut it nothing will change

Ah op that is lovely that you have that feeling for them about the rooms, they should be grabbing it with both hands. You can’t take care of everyone, esp if you feel resentful.

why isn’t their dad thinking that about their bedrooms??? Sounds like you both work etc so same free time

Yes, we both work full time. We've argued over this in the past and he says they are ok with their rooms and so is he it's me with the problem. I do like things neat and tidy 🙈 so I have said well I'm happy to make beds and open the blinds and he does the rest, at the moment there is empty crisp
wrappers drinks sweet wrappers underwear etc on the floor in their room but I am trying to stand strong haha

Hi, we have quite a loving relationship most of the time. This week hasn't been great due to what has happened again with his children and I have pulled him up on it.
He does the bare minimum in regards to supporting with my children, says I do too much for my 13 year old daughter as I will drop her off If she is out with friends and pick her up later on a lot of the time. Part of my resentment is that I have no parents or siblings and when I lost my mum he was off work sick but not to the point where he couldn't leave the house and I would have to put my youngest in after school or have someone collect her from school while I was at work because he didn't like school runs. It's just totally unfair. He's very spooky lazy and can be selfish a lot of the time and his expectations I feel are too high from me. Giving his children don't acknowledge me. He will always say hello when he comes in and also goodbye. He isn't bad mannered and he is saying he doesn't know what else to do with his kids he's always tried to I still manners into them and they just don't use them around me.

It's so hard when you're clearly a good person, but you're going to have to hold your ground here.

Don't let him turn it into an argument. A firm but calm "this isn't working for me any more. I'm handing all responsibility for your children back to you."

Repeat as required. It is not up for discussion. It is a statement of what is going to happen from now on.

Then make sure you are unavailable and do not give an inch. Take yourself out of the house if needs be. Do something nice for yourself and your kids so they are not caught in the crossfire.

Also - just in case you need reminding - YOU ARE NOT A DOMESTIC APPLIANCE.

You might want to spell this out to your DH as well.

Well that sounds like a little glimmer of team work.

you sound very caring and I can see how you find yourself torn. However it is tipping into resentment so there is a consequence for you and something needs to change.

I can see all our suggestions of putting hard boundaries in may be a big jump for you. But I do think your partners could do the thing suggested above “hi love, tarquin and Gemini come and say good afternoon to ginny if you haven’t already” I suspect the best thing for them would be clear message from both of you.

im saying this cos it sounds like your not going to give up caring in the way you do immediately

And don’t pick up crisp packets etc, if you do your breaking the agreement between you and spouse rather than working within it..then it’s on you

You're being used and made a fool of.
Ditch the whole lot of them.

I think the fact you complained about them being rude and he messaged his ex to tell her that his DCs should be more polite to his new DP, tells you everything you need to know about him.

You would be better off as a single mum. He sounds very immature. It can’t be a great atmosphere for your children. Don’t settle for him. Move on and be happy.

Pick your battles.
So I don't think the good morning thing is worth fighting over. My mum is obsessed with it and my kids often forget as it's not a thing in our house and she gets annoyed.
Going straight to room without greeting those in the house is a typical teen thing in my view.

But please and thank you and basic chores are absolutely essential.
But you have to show them not expect it to be done spontaneously. If it's not a thing they do at mums

So for example

• make packed lunch and hold it out for them. If they say thank you then hand it over. If they don't then keep holding onto it and say "what do you say?"
• if they ask for something without asking please then ignore them or say "what did you say" until they say please
• hover the dinner plate over their place setting and don't put it down until they say thank you

That sort of thing.

On bedrooms, my rule is if there's stuff on the floor, it doesn't get cleaned. Whatever your rules are then you make them for all DC. So they are clear, if there's crap everywhere then you don't touch the room.

I think this is a good point.

Everyone's focused on them being rude, and that you should make them comply through punishments, but these are children acting out in a very small way because they're unhappy.

You can force them to go through the polite motions, or you could get to the bottom of things and ask them what's wrong and try resolve it.

Children shouldn't need to feel grateful to the adults in their lives feeding them and providing clean clothes. You took that responsibility on for their father when you moved in together and helped pay his legal fees.

Whatever OP feels about it, they don't want to be with her, they want to be with their mom or dad. You have choices here, they don't. They probably don't like being there, because they aren't comfortable around you and they know they can't relax, but they have to be there.

You could try reaching out to them? It feels awkward for the children. Lots of people don't stay in touch with their children's ex's, it's for the same reason, it's awkward and your loyalty is to your own parent or child.

Do they use their manners with their dad OP? Does he get hello/goodbye/please/thankyou? If he does then it's obviously deliberate behaviour towards you rather than general lack of manners, amd I wouldn't stand for that.

At this age its only going to get worse if the relationship isn't built though. You can't punish a teenager into liking and actually respecting someone. The relationship is the route cause which needs improving and fixing.
You can likely punish most children into faking respect but realistically it will just reduce their actual respect for the person and isn't productive to actually having a nice environment or home life, the route cause needs fixing.