Grandparents who don’t help

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

The whole 'grandparents don't help with the grandkids so they needn't expect any care as they age' thing? Didn't the 'grandparents' do enough when YOU were THEIR child? How many generations have to be cared for before care has been 'earned'? They brought YOU up and cared for YOU. You can either help care for them or not, that's up to you, but they've done their time. They shouldn't be expected to 'pay' for their care by looking after god knows how many younger generations just so that someone will help them get their shopping in or paint their shed.

See @zippyzip Youve just been proved right!!!!!!!

And sexist shit like this is why im child free by choice!!

Woman Daughter. Im absolutely agog at all these Immaculate Conceptions

I've told my sons that I'll be available for nights out, the occasional weekend, a couple of weeks in the summer holidays and emergency situations but not regular childcare for work.

My ex in-laws have a wonderful relationship with ds2 (they're not ds1's bio gps but still treat him as such for birthdays etc) and have never done childcare for work, but they've done babysitting similar to what I hope to do.

I've always felt it's important to be clear and honest about what I can realistically offer and thankfully both sons seem to be happy with the prospective plans.

It's Science:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2874731/

if they are at home most of the time they are probably not well enough to mind children. They may not want to discuss their health with you and they dont have to.

I fail to see how that’s my fault. I’ve worked. Paid taxes. Not had too many children that I can’t afford. My parents on the other hand. Mum retired at 30 when she gave birth and they are now 75 in peak health having been retired for 15 years! I very much doubt I’ll see 75 nevermind get 15 years of retirement in

Well, I hope, when the time comes, that I'll be able to help my DS and any future partner. When I am able to which may not be weekly. I don't have a crystal ball to tell what my health or, indeed, what my life may bring. If I'm lucky I'll be off travelling a bit but if I'm around I'll help. Not to the extent that my sister does with her grandchildren - she's not able to work one day a week as she has the grandchildren...which is now impacting on her ability to pay bills. Not on really is it?

However, by your logic he already owes me in my old age. After all I and my DH fed him, clothed him, looked after him when he was ill, kept him safe, took him for days out and holidays, sat by his side in hospital (three times - heart condition), are saving for his university education. That's what being a parent is though. So I've already done my share bringing him up, really it should be his turn if he has kids - I hope he's grateful for any help to be honest. But if it's a tit for tat measurement of 'you did this for me (or didn't) so I'll do that for you' he owes us 18 years care so far...

I don't actually think like that but just wanted to illustrate how pathetic this 'well if they don't help they can't expect help' whine is. They have helped. They've helped you survive and thrive - that should be enough to guarantee them similar in their old age.

But that cuts both ways, though, doesn't it? You are saying that the 'grandparents' worked hard to look after their own kids (this generation of parents) so shouldn't be expected to help out. But if you think that was such hard work, then surely they can understand why their now adult kids are finding it hard. They certainly shouldn't be expecting said kids to be elder care, after all, their kids didn't ask to be born, they aren't free elder care.

Except he doesn't owe you eighteen years of care. He didn't ask to be born.

I get you.
It’s not the fact that they don’t help much, but more the offering but it doesn’t materialise or the making out to others how they are so family orientated, but they don’t do anything to back this up.
I've always said that actions speak louder than words.
My Father in Law is very similar. He promises the earth and never follows through. It pisses me off

Absolutely true. Neither did your kids. Their grandkids.

Yep my MIL made a huge song and dance at her retirement party about how she was retiring slightly early to help with GC, but the reality is we rarely see her (but SIL gets help one full day a week, nursery pickups twice a week plus regular overnight stays - but that’s a different story!)

Yes, that's true of course. I'm not saying at all that grandparents have to help. I'm saying that if they don't (and by don't, I don't mean decline to become second parents. I mean refuse to help out at all, like pick the kids up in a pinch, have the odd overnight, just be there a bit) then good luck expecting elder help. It would be beyond entitled to do so.

But NOBODY asks to be born! I looked after my mum because she looked after me when I was young. She didn't look after my kids. I looked after my kids, who I hope will help me when I am older, but THEIR kids will look after them. I shouldn't have to look after my kids, and then their kids - and what happens if the GC have kids who need care, am I supposed to step in as a GGM if the GPs aren't available - just to 'buy ' care?

All I can say is you get out what you put in.

I love my dm but am pretty ambivalent about now providing my own time when she has never helped, even when I was in a real fix - not had so much as an overnight stay yet now her long term partner has died has starting trying to encroach on my time and hinting about coming along on family holidays etc. DH's dp's on the other hand have been wonderful - have looked after the dcs loads of times enabling us to have couples holidays/weekends away as well as helping us out financially and with practical help at times when we've needed their skills for certain things. They also never ask for anything in return and both have full, busy lives. Dm also doesn't drive and has to be ferried about - IL's are fiercely independent. DM now has a very small life after making everything about her dh for years and years and now I guess she's feeling the repercussions of that. I learnt a long time ago I couldn't rely on her for anything.

I don't feel an obligation to look after dm as she becomes elderly and infirm (she has been extremely selfish at times) whereas I think I'd want to help IL's more bc I feel gratitude towards them for their help over the years.

DM doesn't seem to understand that relationships have to be nurtured and bonds strengthened ie by spending time/showing an interest in the dc's. She moans sometimes that they don't message her enough but I have little sympathy. Their other GP's they think very highly of.

It’s the intention. If you would love to help but you can’t physically then your kids will feel your intention and be absolutely ok about it. If you don’t WANT to help your kids, you’re going to see them distance themselves. Intention matters.

I had a really interesting perspective from my friend who is from India. She was saying that current white British culture is geared towards failure. There’s no feeling of “family”. No sense of responsibility for caring for one another. In her culture, there is a huge emphasis on helping your children become successful financially. Supporting them through their education, encouraging them to stay at the family home and save and then helping to care for children to allow parents to work. Aunties and uncles and cousins are also around to help.
She said the cost of living crisis will highlight this gap between the cultures.
Obviously there are negatives to this family set up but I have really reflected on what she said and will definitely consider it when my children are becoming adults.
I was expected to move into a horrible house share as soon as I left university and it ruined my financial and career options for the next ten years. It trapped me.
I really hope I can be more proactive when my children are adults and in need of help.

not had so much as an overnight stay
@theworldie this reminded me of the one time by IL’s had my child over night, when I went into labour with my second. I vividly remember them grumbling that I couldn’t give an exact date and reminding me that they had dance class on Monday nights. I honestly hand on heart can just never imagine treating my children that way!

I’ve done hundreds of hours of regular child care to enable my children to work, but as the number of grandchildren has increased and I’ve got older, I have to admit I’m beginning to find it quite exhausting. If I’m honest there’s a tiny, tiny part of me that sometimes regrets locking myself into such regular childcare so early on, because it has meant I haven’t ever been able to take advantage of things like travel out of term time following retirement and it has also put a tremendous pressure on me in terms what if I become ill or have a medical appointment etc.

However, I adore them all and they adore me. I have a hugely special relationship with them which I’m not sure I would I have had otherwise and it has been a privilege watching them grow up. My children are also hugely appreciative of all I do and I feel very loved and essential to the family as a whole. There has never been any expectation, pressure or entitlement on their part, I was asked and I agreed so the choice was my own.

Essentially however, I feel that no grandparent should ever feel obligated to provide care of any sort outside of emergencies, but it would be a sad situation if they were also reluctant to see their grandchildren and build strong relationships with them.

I will certainly be helping out with any I have knowing what I now do
@BeRubyMaker
I understand your resentment and disappointment, sadly it's just who they are. I hope you are blessed with grandchildren.
The good thing about your parents lack of interest is that you now dont owe them any help & support as they age- you can give all your time & attention to your grandchildren!

I'm a grandparent. I don't recognise anything you've said as applying to my life or generation. There was no question of me being a SAHM. When my children were young the interest on our mortgage was 17% and my repayments literally twice as much as my DD's are now. I've worked since leaving education and will probably work until I'm 70. You seem to be talking about either very wealthy privileged people or people from the generation above mine. My MIL hadn't worked for example, and they did buy their house cheap. However the woman's in her 80s, and with the best will in the world isn't up to childcare for toddlers.

So grateful for my family support after reading some of these awful replies on this thread. I had cancer diagnosed just before my eldest DC turned 1 in my twenties, completely unexpected as there’s nobody else who has in my/ my DHs family. It devastated our families and my life. My DH & I gave up our planned childcare to move quickly nearer to family (from one side of a large city to another) and it took us another year waiting for a part time nursery place. DH or I would have lost our jobs were it not for my mum & despite their problems, my in-laws. I moved in with my mum during treatment (surgeries in sensitive sites and radioactive), my DH and ILs shared childcare for 2 weeks each time. When I went home, my mum & ILs shared childcare for another month until I was recovered between treatments and after I went back to work PT.

There was never a question about having my DC. All my parents wanted for me was to survive and my DC’s lives to be as normal as possible. If the chips are down, surely the only ones you can really count on are your family, I feel really sorry for those who can’t.

Wow
What an entitled post OP

Why do people seem to think as soon as they have kids their parents are honoured to jump through hoops to look after them for you
If you have kids that’s your choice and you should never think it’s other peoples responsibility to do the parenting for you when it suits OP

Im lost for words……moving on.

Oh please don’t wish your dc becoming parents away for this reason, because I am sure they will totally understand. Being unable to help is a common situation and not your fault at all.

I think that from the other perspective, the grandparents that don’t believe in getting stuck in with some childcare, can’t really expect to build a super deep and meaningful relationship with the grandkids. Kids aren’t going to remember their grandparents popping over to have a home cooked meal made by their parents, they’re going to remember being taken out and spending 1 on 1 time with them doing the things they enjoy away from their parents and on their level.

I think it’s absolutely fine to not wish to provide childcare, but then you also can’t expect your children to regulate the relationship that you cultivate with their children. I don’t stand in the way of my children’s relationship with their grandparents, but I also don’t make it my job add a gloss to it.

When or if my children have kids, I will actively seek time alone caring for them, as I think that not only will it help my relationship with my own children, but also fill up my life with a new and meaningful relationship(s). Let’s be honest here, unless you are disabled and physically unable, it’s not that hard to care for kids over a day, especially when you know that you are giving them back! Otherwise why call yourself grandparents.