Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Grandparents who don’t help

286 replies

BeRubyMaker · 14/02/2025 18:07

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 16/02/2025 16:54

ThisNeverEndingShitShow · 14/02/2025 18:34

It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked
How often are you asking them to? More to the point, if you know they don’t want to, why are you asking them?

I pray my DC don’t have kids because I absolutely won’t be able to help. I’m knackered and not in great health as it is, and I’m only in my 50’s! I’d hate to think they felt this way about me because I wasn’t able to help as they wanted me to.
I feel sorry for grandparents who are slated for not helping, they’ve likely both worked, they have raised their kids and, whilst it would be nice if they could help, they aren’t obligated to. They should be able to do what they want with their free time. Lots of us have brought DC up without help, my own DM worked and PIL were too old/far away/useless. It never occurred to me to be bitter about it though.

What a horrible thing to say. You pray your kids won't have kids? Because you can't help?

It's almost as if families can't ever survive without the help of one grandparent isn't it?

Jeeez. Grandparents help is always great if you have it but the parents who don't have it will be just fine! Their parenting isn't limited because Tina's mum can't help 🙄

Praying4Peace · 16/02/2025 16:55

Hwi · 16/02/2025 16:24

In many previous posts it has been established, and confirmed, by most posters, that children owe nothing to their parents. End of. Where is then this idea of the reverse obligation, once removed, i.e. grandparents having to help with the grandchildren. Or is it only working one way?

Its not about owing, its about wanting

zippyzip · 16/02/2025 16:56

The burden tends to fall on mostly women who may have had enough already than to take on yet more childcare.

It is mostly women who end of giving up work to do childcare for grandchildren. That expectation rarely exists for men.

5128gap · 16/02/2025 16:59

Being part of their grandchildren's lives and providing you with childcare as and when you want it are two different things. If you were to learn the difference I'm sure it would go a long way to addressing your confusion as to why they appear to you to be saying one thing and doing another.

JenniferBooth · 16/02/2025 17:00

Gymmum82 · 14/02/2025 21:09

I don’t truly know how I’ll feel by the time I get to that age, but what I do know is I won’t get to enjoy the long retirement my parents had. So I doubt I’ll have the time to be childcare and judging by how I feel now I’ll be too knackered and playing catch up at the weekends to offer any kind of help.
My parents and inlaws all retired between 55-60. We will be working until 68 at an absolute minimum. Possibly even 70 the rate retirement age seems to be heading. Not a chance am I spending the minuscule amount of retirement I’ll get looking after young children again

It is the generation who are now parents of young children who have cheered on the state pension age going up and up and up.
You reap what you sow!

2025NewUserName · 16/02/2025 17:00

"Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc"

I know where you're coming from, but this is a really judgey comment. They can spend their leisure / retirement time however they want.

TaylorSwish · 16/02/2025 17:03

newyearnewme2025 · 14/02/2025 18:50

We've had to explain to DSS and his partner, that we don't want to be childcare, we want to be grandparents! we want to be involved in our GC;s life, we want to be invited to days out, parties, we want to invite for sunday lunch, we don't just want to be a childcare option, used only when it gets them out of a hole!

They chose to have children, its down to them to sort out childcare for their child and let other family members be just that!

Edited

Did you have help from parents when your step son was young?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/02/2025 17:04

My kids know I will be a Granny, but I will not be available for childcare (except the odd babysitting evening) or days 'coming out with the kids'. I've done my time. I was a single mum to five kids, I'm all babied out and when I retire my life and time will be my own for the first time since I was 17 when I started work. I'll love them and I will spend time with them, but on my own terms only.

Nobody asked me to have my kids and i looked after them and brought them up single handed. So I know it's possible. If my kids choose to have children, those are THEIR children. I don't want to do 'Mummy Take Two' I've done it and I'm over it. Won't make me love them any less.

Flossflower · 16/02/2025 17:07

Charlize43 · 16/02/2025 16:36

Have you offered a cash incentive? They might suddenly perk up.

After Rachel from Accounts callously stripped them of their winter fuel payment maybe their house it just too cold for children, especially small ones...

You are just repeating this old sexist slur.

Praying4Peace · 16/02/2025 17:08

lilacmamacat · 16/02/2025 15:43

Don't have kids if your expectation is that other people will look after them. OP's attitude sound somewhat entitled to me.

U R missing the point. OP isn't talking about entitlement/cc. She is talking about GPs not wanting to be an integrated part of their life

Howilivenow2 · 16/02/2025 17:08

Nanny0gg · 16/02/2025 16:49

So your childhood was shit, was it?

It's not your parent's fault you both have to work and you should have thought about that before having children

I worked, did what I could and then got far more involved when I retired. I am still doing school runs, after school care and babysitting (all three of my DC live locally)

I am, frankly, knackered.

I haven't done it for care points I've done it because it was the obvious thing to do. Hopefully not for much longer so that I can just be Nanny,

But if any of my kids had your attitude, you'd have been told to sort yourself out

Show quote history

Touched a nerve have i 🤣

Yeah my childhood wasn't great not that I have to explain it to you.

It's not secret that people were able to buy houses for next to nothing with low deposits. Wages have barely gone up that's why both parents have to work. You'd have to be incredibly stupid not to realise that.

I don't need childcare, I've already said that, try reading again. I said it'd be nice for them to actually be interested. Thankfully we have my mother in law who is interested in spending time with the kids and as a result I am always happy to see her or go out of my way for her.

I have sorted myself out thanks 😊

Flossflower · 16/02/2025 17:09

zippyzip · 16/02/2025 16:56

The burden tends to fall on mostly women who may have had enough already than to take on yet more childcare.

It is mostly women who end of giving up work to do childcare for grandchildren. That expectation rarely exists for men.

My husband adores our grandchildren and does 50% of the care. Not all men are selfish.

Praying4Peace · 16/02/2025 17:12

Nanny0gg · 16/02/2025 16:50

You know everyone's different, right?

Show quote history

Of course, I have emphasised that in my post and that has been at the core of this thread

zippyzip · 16/02/2025 17:13

Flossflower · 16/02/2025 17:09

My husband adores our grandchildren and does 50% of the care. Not all men are selfish.

Show quote history

I said mostly women.

The expectation is not the same for men as it is for women.

ThriveIn2025 · 16/02/2025 17:15

I feel like our parents have basically shown us how not to do it. Being completely absent when the kids were young and now a burden when our kids are slightly more independent. At least we don’t feel like we owe them anything! We do still help them out, probably more than they deserve but I’ll never leave my children to struggle alone the way they did us.

Miniaturemom · 16/02/2025 17:15

Everyone always says they don’t owe you childcare, but this isn’t what you are asking, it’s hard on a relationship not having a single night out. I have lots of friends whose parents are abroad so can’t help, but my mom is close, never worked, had a cleaner and I was an only child. She’s gone into this “my time is now” mode. I’ll likely never be very old myself and it already makes me sad that I won’t be there to help my own 2 kids. She does visit or have them over but never on their own and I’m still “on” full time.

longtompot · 16/02/2025 17:15

anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back
always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed

I can understand why you feel a bit upset by their actions not matching their words. My in-laws were very vocal about loving their grandkids, but when it came down to it the kids were too much for them to deal with.

AlmondLoaf · 16/02/2025 17:16

I don't know op, my mum nagged and nagged for ages for me to have grandchildren and harped on about having them every weekend to give us a break and that she would definitely help out with childcare.
Fast forward to them being born, she never ever offers to have them and moans when she does.
The time she kindly gave us a break she was ringing and facetiming me all day about how much he missed me with a stern looking mug on.
At least my dhs parents love having him, we never bother asking mine now and barely see them..

Autumnnow · 16/02/2025 17:17

Speaking as a grandparent who's done a huge amount of childcare, I think they're mean and selfish. Of course they're not obliged to offer any help but it's bloody annoying when they paint themselves to the outside world as doting grandparents. The payoff for me is the lovely close bond I've got with the grandkids, you can't put a price on that.

On the plus side, when they're growing old and frail, you can offer them the same level of support. None.

I know many will disagree but there we are.

ExercicenformedeZ · 16/02/2025 17:20

Howilivenow2 · 16/02/2025 17:08

Touched a nerve have i 🤣

Yeah my childhood wasn't great not that I have to explain it to you.

It's not secret that people were able to buy houses for next to nothing with low deposits. Wages have barely gone up that's why both parents have to work. You'd have to be incredibly stupid not to realise that.

I don't need childcare, I've already said that, try reading again. I said it'd be nice for them to actually be interested. Thankfully we have my mother in law who is interested in spending time with the kids and as a result I am always happy to see her or go out of my way for her.

I have sorted myself out thanks 😊

Show quote history

Good for you, and I hope that you stand firm. Your parents sound like the kind who just might expect you to drop everything to run around waiting on them when they become infirm, and I hope you make it clear to them that that isn't happening.

BusyExpert · 16/02/2025 17:21

I hear the way that parents here talk about the grandparents and are so critical of everything they do that I am not surprised that GDPs don't offer to help more. Perhaps you should reflect on what you can do to improve the relationship.

ExercicenformedeZ · 16/02/2025 17:21

Autumnnow · 16/02/2025 17:17

Speaking as a grandparent who's done a huge amount of childcare, I think they're mean and selfish. Of course they're not obliged to offer any help but it's bloody annoying when they paint themselves to the outside world as doting grandparents. The payoff for me is the lovely close bond I've got with the grandkids, you can't put a price on that.

On the plus side, when they're growing old and frail, you can offer them the same level of support. None.

I know many will disagree but there we are.

I totally agree with you. It's astonishing the number of grandparents who do nothing for the grandkids but still expect their own kids to be elder care. Um, no. Not gonna happen.

JenniferBooth · 16/02/2025 17:22

zippyzip · 16/02/2025 16:56

The burden tends to fall on mostly women who may have had enough already than to take on yet more childcare.

It is mostly women who end of giving up work to do childcare for grandchildren. That expectation rarely exists for men.

THIS!!!

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 16/02/2025 17:23

I had very involved grandparents growing up; we are older parents and so the grandparents were all too frail to help out and we managed without. But if my daughter has kids whilst I'm fit and able to help out, I absolutely will. A grandparent who visits and is interested every few months is never going to have the same relationship with their grandchildren as one who's hands-on.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 16/02/2025 17:25

I think it's a sad state of affairs when a woman who no longer works refuses to help out her daughter with her children.

Females with genes for longevity are selected for survival past reproductive age as their existence serves the species by helping to ensure the survival of their own grandchildren.

It works on a social, economic and biological perspective.

Swipe left for the next trending thread