Grandparents who don’t help

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

It's your child - they're not obligated to do anything

Why should grandparents be unpaid childminders! It’s your choice to be a slave to your children but not everyone wants to! I’ve said the same to my son and partner, I’ll will not be the unpaid help!

How much time do they spend with them in general? Just because they might not want to babysit might not mean they don’t enjoy spending time with them with you there. Loads of grandparents are over the moon to become grandparents, that doesn’t mean they want to be childcare!

If they spend time with them in other ways and seem interested apart from the fact they don’t babysit then Yabu. Kids are hard work. Tiring. Any many avoid setting up the expectation of childcare because some agree to it and before they know there are ten grandchildren and their respective parents moaning that it’s not equal because they just can’t commit in the same way as when there were only one or two!

If they don’t spend ANY or very little of any kind of time with them then Yanbu and that’s really rubbish but at the end of the day you can’t make them care more and it’s their loss.

Really depends on the situation, very family personal and no wrong or right answer!

When my marriage broke down, my DM said ‘ perhaps some of that was our fault, we didn't support you or help you have anytime alone’. I was touched that even though it was too late, she had considered it and was ready for her and my DF to help, occasionally.

Fast forward three years to when we eventually divorced, I moved, took a new job and started again as a single parent with three young children.

What did my DM & DF do?…move abroad!🤔

Actually, good in them, their lives ( though they have missed much of their DGC growing up).

More likely to be the GPs loss in the end. If they find themselves in need of care and/or lonely when they are elderly they may realise their lack of interest has led to them missing out on bonding with a generation who could have provided care and company. Instead they will have GC who don't feel any attachment or desire to visit.

In many previous posts it has been established, and confirmed, by most posters, that children owe nothing to their parents. End of. Where is then this idea of the reverse obligation, once removed, i.e. grandparents having to help with the grandchildren. Or is it only working one way?

Looking after small children even for a couple of hours can be very very tiring for older people. Are you taking this into account? You see your parents as slobbing around all the time complaining that they haven't been well, but maybe they really are tired and feeling ill?
Try having a proper conversation, maybe with just your mum initially, over a cup of tea. Explain that you'd love them to spend more time with the grandchildren and it would help you a lot if they could take them for (say ) two hours sometimes on a Saturday afternoon. If she says no or she's not sure, probe a bit and try to find out why. Maybe they are scared of getting overcommitted, maybe they've lost confidence, maybe they are afraid of getting worn out and shouting at the chldren. You won't know if you don't ask.

Mumsnet: My child's DGPs want to spend lots of time with my LO. They've even offered to babysit so DH and me can go for a meal. They are intrusive...
Also Mumsnet: My child's DGP's don't want to do any childcare and thus are clearly uninterested in them. They don't even want to babysit to give time for DH and me to have a meal...AIBU to go NC?

It's so frustrating, isn't it? Neither set of grandparents have done much in the way of helping with our two DC - though my DP have agreed to have them for two nights while we celebrate a big birthday later in the year - and for that, we're very grateful! What's odd is that both sets of DP relied heavily on their own parents for childcare - and neither of our DMs worked! We work full time, and whilst I would never expect or want our DP to provide formal childcare, the option to be able to go out for dinner, or away for a night here and there would be appreciated. Our friends have provided a much more 'secure' village than our DPs ever have and I genuinely can't understand it. I would never watch my two struggle to juggle everything the way ours have, I will be on hand for baby sitting as often as I can be.

We have been very lucky on that front. I went back to work quite early as I am the main earner and my parents, inlaws and sister all helped out with regular childcare (3 days a week). As a result they all have a very close bond with my boys (they are the only children in the family)

I intend to help my sons in the same way in the future should they need me to. It made such a massive difference to our finances and I would offer that opportunity on.

My boys are now 12 and 8 and one set of grandparents are older and wouldn't be able to do it now but they absolutely loved them time they had with the boys.

Have you offered a cash incentive? They might suddenly perk up.

After Rachel from Accounts callously stripped them of their winter fuel payment maybe their house it just too cold for children, especially small ones...

Grandparents are not obliged to help however it sounds like yours are the same as mine. They go on to all and sundry about how important their grandkids are, how much they love helping out, looking after them etc. yet the truth is the polar opposite. It really annoys the hell out of me. I wish they’d just own it and say they don’t like looking after them rather than lying that they do to everyone

I am a grandmother of 3. I always knew that I would help and I do my children with childcare. I didn’t have any help at all and it was so hard.

My DF really helped and he and my DS had an amazing relationship. My DM never babysat once, took no interest whenever she did see him and used to get his name wrong.

My DGPs on both sides helped with me. I hope to help if I'm lucky enough to have DGC because I want to have a relationship with them.

I understand some gps still work, but I don’t. I don’t think giving one day per week to help is too much. Still leaves 6 days for my own needs. I get the pleasure of time with beloved dgd and she loves coming. By the time she is a teen I will be quite old, it hopefully our bond will be strong.
I really feel that parents today have it much harder than I did financially and many have their children older. I feel glad to help my hardworking child. All I do is appreciated and nothing taken for granted. To me this is what a family does.

I'm a nana who would love to be more involved but the parents don't want that.
It's difficult whichever category you fall into.

my parents do nothing my husbands parents do nothing, it's fine it's their loss, as a couple we have had no nights out alone in over 10 years! I cant wait until i have grandchildren who i can hopefully have overnight.

Do you visit them as a family and invite them to visit you though? We have always lived some distance from grandparants as children and parents as adults so visiting grandparents was a family thing and we did stuff all together. They weren't expected to childmind. It doesn't sound as though you like them much. Grandparents can have a good relationships with their grandchildren without childminding. Often the quality of the relationship depends on the relationship with their adult children. You seem to be just wanting them to do stuff for you whilst you disappear.

With mine, it's not the lack of help that bothers me. It's the pretence that they wish they could but can't possibly. No. You just don't want to so own it.
I personally can't fathom not helping at all like my parents. I do far more for virtual strangers. And it's such a shame for the kids.

You will be torn to pieces on here, but I totally agree with you. It's one thing if the grandparents don't want to be full time help, that is of course fair enough. But to refuse ever to pitch in will indeed mean that the grandkids won't see much of them. It is also annoying if they are implying to others that they are super involved but then don't really bother.
There is another point (and I don't care if people don't like it, it's the truth) If grandparents refuse to ever help with grandkids, even when the parents are in a tight spot, then they had better hope that they have EVERYTHING sorted for their own old age. I know two families. One, the grandparents did a lot for the grandkids, they really went above and beyond. No that they are infirm, the whole family has rallied around and are working very hard to keep them safe, healthy and comfortable in their home. The other, the grandparents couldn't have been less interested, they swanned around enjoying their retirement. Fair enough, except that their circumstances have sadly changed. They are aggrieved that neither of their kids are willing to help them out at all. They basically reaped what they sowed.

I totally get what you are saying. I've never understood how GPs wouldn't want to be involved in GCs lives. Its not about providing free cc as some posters say; it's about wanting to be an integrated part of GC lives. I adore my GC and am very involved in their lives. School runs/holidays/days out/family fun days. I have been able to do this more since semi retiring. I wouldn't want to have it any other way. I also know GPs who are completely disengaged/on the periphery of their GC lives. Emphasises the enormous divide and there is no right or wrong.
I have experience of a manager whose parents took care of her children whilst she worked; she simply had no understanding of a parent needing to take emergency leave or short notice pick up if childminder was sick etc. So infuriating. Or those who had a live in nanny; AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So your childhood was shit, was it?

It's not your parent's fault you both have to work and you should have thought about that before having children

I worked, did what I could and then got far more involved when I retired. I am still doing school runs, after school care and babysitting (all three of my DC live locally)

I am, frankly, knackered.

I haven't done it for care points I've done it because it was the obvious thing to do. Hopefully not for much longer so that I can just be Nanny,

But if any of my kids had your attitude, you'd have been told to sort yourself out

EDIT: Somehow ended up on wrong thread.

Of course they aren't. The OP also isn't obligated to help them when they get old. Let's hope that they don't expect her to.

You know everyone's different, right?