Grandparents who don’t help

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

I am q lucky as both sets of parents have helped us with our children. They are both very different though, my parents you very much have to book a slot in advance and limit the requests. In laws are incredibly flexible and genuinely go above and beyond to help us. We live closer to in laws which is definitely the better option as I know we wouldn't have as much support if we lived nearer my parents.

Fine if you looked after your mum because she looked after you when you were young. Personally, I don't see it that way, if you bring kids into the world, it isn't so that they can be your retirement. Fine if they love you enough to do that, but they are (IME) more likely to do that if you continue to help and support them after they turn eighteen. Parents who do the bare minimum and still expect their kids to be their elder care annoy me to no end.

Whilst I do understand that grandparents have their own lives and don’t owe anyone childcare, I think the circumstances under which we have babies nowadays are so much worse in lots of tiny ways we probably don’t recognise.

The cost of childcare, the cost of formula, the cost of living, the cost of housing - these things are the highest they’ve ever been in proportion to people’s incomes. Naturally we need to rely on grand parental support in a way previous generations maybe didn’t need to, because they could afford a babysitter or had family with kids of a similar age.

My mum talked about an under 2’s group I used to go to that was free. She’d go have breakfast with her sisters, who all had kids the same age. Even societal trends like people having fewer children, later in life, living away from family, means people don’t have the support network they used to. My mum could have relied on her sisters, or close friends, before she’d even need to think about asking her mum. She also worked part time because my dad earned enough to support us - something most families couldn’t fathom nowadays because of how expensive everything is.

It’s also a much more individualistic way of raising kids nowadays, much less communal, and it’s expensive and difficult. Think all the pressure around screen time, providing enriching and educational experiences etc.

TLDR: I think it feels so much harder when grandparents aren’t involved because so many other options to get a bit of a break aren’t available anymore. We’re having children in a completely different way and everything just got a tiny bit worse in different ways which make us more reliant on our parents than previous generations.

No-one is owed childcare from their parents - we’re having our first and know we won’t be getting free childcare from our parents. My parents didn’t get help from theirs when my brother and I were young either. If we want a meal out, we’ll get a babysitter or we’ll share childcare with siblings. However, we’ll spend time with their grandparents, making memories with them and if they want to spend some 1:1 time with them, fully support it. Never expect it though or be disappointed if they don’t.

Reading this thread makes me realise how lucky my child is to have such loving grandparents that want to help and spend time with him. And also how lucky I am to have parents that want to help to allow us a break when we need it.

I pray I can give this to my child when the time comes (or if). After all, all parents know the hardest job in life is being a parent, we all need a village. This is what blows my mind that there are grandparents out there fully capable of helping but choose not to, surely they understand the struggle and want to help.

It's not about obligation, no grandparent is obligated to offer childcare, but just helping is enough, for me that's the true meaning of family. Helping each other out throughout life where we can. I hate the phrase "you chose to have them so you deal with it".

Yeah I feel incredibly lucky to have such involved and loving grandparents for my kids. I had no idea people felt like this, like it’s a huge inconvenience to help out from time to time.

Whilst I understand that some people take the piss with their parents and childcare, they’re only little for such a short period of time in the long run. Like we get 4,000 weeks to live if we’re lucky - it’s such a short period of time to be involved in your grandkids lives.

We were never made to parent alone. That’s why we have the menopause, we stop having children so that we can help protect and raise our grandchildren and pass on parenting advice and knowledge. I think it’s so bizarre that grandparents don’t offer help. I’m not saying we are entitled to free childcare 5 days a week or anything, but to not want to look after your grandchildren and support your own children at all is sooo strange to me! It’s no wonder women have breakdowns etc.

Well done

Exactly what I had to do as I had no parents to help anyway

No, it hasn't touched a nerve.

I just think it's very entitled to expect help when GPs aren't retiring at 60 any more

I also have both my grandmas still alive, one is 76 and the other 89, I call them every day, we visit both once a week minimum. They adore their great grandchild and both even offer to have them to help now at their age (which I obviously wouldn't do).

They both helped out with me and my sister when we were younger, sleepovers at their houses was the highlight of our weeks. My mother and father now want to create this at their house for their grandchildren. I wonder if this is a generational trait passed down, to want this bond with grandchildren.

My parents barely saw me as a child! I was with grandparents, godparents, play dates.
Rarely home. Fully outsourced as often as possible and my mum didn't work (dad worked shift work and manual work)

My parents have had my son 3 times in 7.5 years and I had to beg and beg and beg. I am not surprised at all honestly. I am heartbroken that my son won't have the same relationship that I had as it was beautiful we slept over so often we had our own rooms there! But it was it is, and they are who they are. I just don't ask.

What I find unbearable and did as a teenager was the performative parenting and now performative grandparenting that goes on. Anyone on the outside THOUGHT and THINK they are so generous with their time and are so hands on. The FB posts make me feel queesy.

I'm not the only person I know who experiences this level of disinterest, most of my friends it's the same.

6m after my 89YO Grandfather passed I was still calling and listening to his voice message and leaving him voice messages as I felt I had no family.

For a little while I thought that's what grandparents were like, what a hard lesson it's been to learn some parents just don't like kids (their own or their children's children).

It's their loss though. But it does suck!

OP I’m with you. None visit us ever and we commute hours to see them and for them to have fun time only with DC and not help with anything else such as babysit. But I’ll take it. I won’t punish them by not putting in effort to drive for hours because it is about DC having memories of their grandparents before it is too late.

Does it occur to you that some GPs are tired? That they want some time to do things they want to do? That they may not have that many years of being able to do things?

There's quite a few things I'd have liked to have been able to do but couldn't because childcare.

And just because some adore it, others may not?

Grandparents these days are generally much older than previous generations,
A granny at 40 in 1970's wasn't rare, but now a mother might not have her first child til pushing 40 which means a grandparent could be 70 or 80

MIL came to visit when our children were very young. Made no effort to engage with the kids, and expected to be waited on. After a few days, DC1 looked out at MIL who was in the garden and says "when is that lady leaving?", in a tone which conveyed: I don't know who she is, or what she's doing here, but she's outstayed her welcome". You reap what you sow.
My parents aren't much better. We didn't ask for, or expect much. But when the kids were small, it would have made it a lot easier if someone else had offered to keep an eye on them for half an hour at family events, e.g. so that we could actually eat a main course uninterrupted. Clearly we expected too much. As soon as food or drink was on the go, grandchildren and their supposed affection for them were swiftly forgotten and the priority was getting their own snouts in the trough.

I think it’s the making out to you or others they’re invested but clearly not being. I have 3 dc and they are all autistic, the youngest with high needs. My mum likes the idea of being involved but can’t handle it, which is fine. But in the rare occasion she’s at our house it doesn’t half piss me off if she answers calls or FaceTimes to make out she’s really involved when the reality is that I have friends that are more involved and supportive. No one is guaranteed family support, but when she needs lifts to appointments etc who do you think that falls to? And I can’t say no because you don’t help me and I don’t because that’s just not me. There is always that undercurrent of annoyance though.

That worked well for me.

Both Mil and my mum died before I even got married

OP you say your parents just stay home all day watching TV and being on facebook and complain about not being well. It sounds like they are not well enough to enjoy looking after young children by themselves. You need a fair bit of energy.

@BexAubs20 Most grandparents now have to work until their late sixties. Some beyond that.

I completely agree with you. I do feel for grandparents who have to provide full or part time childcare. That is a job in my opinion, and probably sucks the joy out of it.

What you suggest, I had with my grandparents, and my DC had with their ( sadly prematurely gone ) DGPs. It was a source of joy for all of them/us. Plus they knew what a break it was for the parents! I have not got GDC, but always offered my friends, more recently my younger friends this too! My DD has a lovely dog, and I do the same with him to give her, and her ex ( they share him) a break!

It really is your parents loss, I can understand how you feel.

My nanna looked after me when I was little as my mum was a single parent and worked full time.

My mum was 60 when my youngest DS was born and she already had 2 older grandchildren so she wasn’t particularly energetic. I never actually NEEDED her as such. I never assumed she’d look after them and I never went out as I wanted to be the one who looked after them.

She offered to look after my DC so I could get a job. She mentioned it first. She’d have them 5-10pm when I left for work and DH got home. I was around all day so during the hols I didn’t need or want childcare.

My mums best friend did all the childcare for her grandchildren. She used to complain to my mum about it. She said she loved her grandchildren, but was really too old for it. It totally wore her out.

I think it's the double standard of portraying themselves as involved grandparents but in reality are not.
I lost my parents when I was v young and my husbands parents are elderly so I had to pay for help if we ever went out or I needed help when the kids were all little (my husband worked long hours and often travels). I would suggest finding people you can trust to help out with the kids even if it means paying them (I sought out the older teenage siblings of family friends or of the kid's friends).
It's a massive shame that your parents don't want to be involved but it's their choice and ultimately their loss.

"help protect and raise our grandchildren and pass on parenting advice and knowledge" Hmmm...

As a grandparent I spend so much time NOT offering advice, and NOT interfering in trying to raise my dgc. The ways and approached of my dd and her partner, and my ds's and DILs are very different to when I had dc. Some I understand (car seats, BLW, sleeping positions), some I am bewildered by.

GPs (especially when they are PILs) are sometimes not welcomed to see their dgc for a couple of weeks after they are born. They are forbidden to kiss the baby or to hold them while they sleep.

With one dc in particular I was on tenterhooks the whole time lest I did something that felt entirely natural in the 80s and 90s when I was a Mum, but which is entirely forbidden today.

I love my dc, I adore my dgc, I spend time with them all and I am a willing baby sitter and have sometimes done more significant amounts of childcare, but sometimes, some 2020s parents are quite willing to take offence at something I do, and quite unwilling to forgive genuine mistakes.

Maybe it's just my family.

I was always with my grandma as was my husband when we were younger.

What's odd is that both sets of DP relied heavily on their own parents for childcare - and neither of our DMs worked!

Not odd at all. If they didn't want to spend time with their own children but foisted them instead onto their own parents, why would they suddenly change and become doting over children, albeit their grandchildren?

As a pp said upthread:

What a hard lesson it's been to learn some parents just don't like kids (their own or their children's children).

Finally someone who speaks sense