To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

If I was invited to someone’s birthday meal, I would take a gift. But if I invited friends out for my birthday meal, I wouldn’t expect gifts - I’d be grateful if they did give me something, but not miffed if they didn’t.

Maybe this says that I think other people deserve more/better treatment than I think I do.

So don't host then.

Entitled much?

Birthday cards are wasteful if people are seeing you in person.

Birthday wine is always never to my taste.

Can’t stand tat or clutter so gifts would be unwelcome.

I would be grateful my friends made the effort to see me.

Yeah the gift is them turning up and paying. Especially in this economic climate

I hope people don't bring me a card (goes in the bin) or a present on a night out then I'll have to carry it around.

I think you're being a bit precious about a gift but I think it's a bit mean of them to not contribute an extra pound (or 2) each to pay for the birthday girls meal,

So you were hoping for a couple of dozen £10 gift vouchers? I think the overused MN word of 'grabby' is appropriate here. You sound very much like you organised a meal in the hope everyone would bring you something.

So grabby. Is this why you invited so many people? To get gifts??

Snap!

Even though only around half of them (17 of 30) actually knew the OP well?

Well, surely if money is an issue, you either don’t have a birthday celebration or you just host at your own home, maybe providing basic food and asking friends to bring a bottle, but only inviting people who are your actual friends???

@Jazzjazzyjulez — what the OP hasn’t said here is that many of the people at this meal were strangers or had met her once or twice. She advertised it as a Meet Up event, open to the public. It’s a completely different situation to attending the birthday of family or fruends!

It’s my friend’s birthday meal soon, I will pay for my meal and I have got her some presents, nothing big but thoughtful. I wouldn’t dream of turning up empty handed

Yes of course it does! I wouldn't really expect presents if i invited people out for a meal for my birthday and they were paying for themselves. Them being there to celebrate with me would be the present.
Also 4 months in advance??? Was it a "big"
birthday? You're coming across as quite high maintenance tbh!

Yes. I wouldn't bring a present if I am paying for my own meal.

Doesn’t even have to be £10, £5 would have been lovely. Maybe not even a box of chocs, but Minstrels instead. SOMETHING. I just never attend a friend’s birthday empty-handed. I always make an effort to bring a small gift of some sort, regardless of whether I’m paying for myself or not. That’s just my opinion though

It’s beginning to sound like that, certainly. I thought the OP was just a bit socially inept or lonely, given that in her other post she seemed not to have grasped that her phrasing on Meet Up left it very ambiguous as to whether or not she was paying for the meal!

I'm unemployed, therefore I don't suggest going out for my birthday.
If I'm invited out for a friends birthday I might be able to stretch the budget if they're a good friend. But I can't afford a meal and a present.

No, 17 of them were close friends who I message daily and often meet up with 1-1. The rest of them were Meetup people who I don’t know a massive amount. Only 2 of them I had never met before.

Yikes. 30 people organised 4 months in advance is A Lot for a 27th birthday...

In our group we would often go out for dinner for a birthday but only exchange presents in smaller subgroups of those we're closer to.

If people aren't that close to you, and came along, and paid their own food and drink then I think that's fair enough.

So why invite the general public via Meet Up, then? Surely your friends thought it was deeply weird to find themselves out for a meal with total strangers? That certainly wouldn’t have made me feel particularly warmly towards the birthday person…

I'm not sure if its a culture thing, we are from asaia, been in UK, early, mid 60's - but when we invite or invited to any party/do/etc, the host always pays fro everything - people would ROFL if they thought they'd have to pay

OP, I'm 100% with those that bought nothing. You should appreciate the fact they came

If you've got 17 close friends, why did you also invite a load of randoms from Meet Up?

This now just sounds really weird. I'd imagine everyone, friends and strangers, were all quite confused.

I don't know what Meet up is but just for clarification - I would only ever go to the birthday dinner of people who I knew (hence me always taking a present).

I wouldn't attend the birthday dinner of people I don't know - do people do that? Obv if they are plus 1s that works but total random strangers?

I came to comment that I wouldn’t even know 31 people that I wanted to have at my birthday dinner but it seems the OP didn’t either 😅🙈

All a bit odd OP!! I suggest for 28 you keep it a bit more relaxed!

If you can't see the difference between actually hosting your friends and family for your birthday; and having strangers attending an organised meet-up which they pay for and happens to be on your birthday,
Then I don't think anyone is ever going to be able to help you understand.

As above, 17 of them were my close friends who I message daily and meet up with 1-1.