To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

I think birthday etiquette is changing.

Not in my circles thankfully.

Maybe it is in different parts of the country.

Even amongst older people, present giving, and cards seem to be decreasing amongst some groups, going by another forum I am on.

I had a birthday party last year at my house and was thrilled - but also quite surprised - how many people brought presents. I certainly didn't expect it - I just wanted them to turn up and enjoy themselves. For context, I am late 40s!

I don't think adults are required to bring presents to birthday parties, I would if it was a close friend though. Otherwise I'd probably just get a card - I'd also assume if we were going out for the evening that they wouldn't want to be carrying a load of stuff with them all night.

Yeah. Did they bring you a card or something? They're not obliged to buy you a present. are they all close mates of yours?

If I invited people to a restaurant to celebrate MY birthday then of course I pay. I wouldn’t expect them to fork out and then buy a present on top. YABU.

Ok, so you’ve bought two people small token birthday gifts, but what about the other 29 people?

You sound very immature and entitled. If people are turning up and spending their cash on a meal just to celebrate your birthday then you need to be more grateful.

If you bought tokens for Tom and Sylvia, I’d generally expect they’d get you a token back. But otherwise, no.

In my family/friend group gift giving has been cut down to minimum, Given for the sake of a etiquette is wasteful. Just unneeded crap that ends up in landfill (most of the time).

In this case, the gift was to attend/pay etc. I would also have covered your night.

I had a birthday party last year at my house and was thrilled - but also quite surprised - how many people brought presents. I certainly didn't expect it - I just wanted them to turn up and enjoy themselves.

This was my experience too, I ended up with a room full of very generous present. I wasn’t expecting anything. My party was at home and I had caterers and I requested everyone’s favourite drinks so my little home bar was full of their favourite tipples. My guests didn’t need to pay for anything except a taxi home and some shared it or were picked up by their DC.
The year I had a tapas themed night in a pub, my guest bought their own drinks and I provided the food. I didn’t receive any presents that year as my friends had to pay out for their drinks.
I think if you want presents then you need to throw a party where you ate providing either the food or drink or both.

If you host, ie you provide food and beverages at your house you'd expect small gifts.

If you basically organise a restaurant trip where everyone has to pay for themselves then no, you should not expect gifts at all.

Some people I am very close to (fiancé, mother, best friend) receive yearly birthday presents from me. But I don´t bring birthday presents for most other people (even those that are very dear to me).

unless they organised a "proper" birthday party (which usually means that they pay for food and drinks), which is fairly rare in my circle of friends unless it´s a "big birthday". Or if I happen to see something that reminds me of them / just seems "perfect"...

Personally, I wouldn’t turn up empty handed and would bring a card at the very least.
However I would only be comfortable doing this as the meal itself wouldn’t be stretching my budget.
Some of your many friends may be prioritising their presence over presents and showing you they care by being in attendance- that may be a financial struggle for them.
I would never expect a gift but I would be thrilled that so many people thought enough of me to celebrate with me.
I feel you’re being grabby

Ditto. Our family and friends only buy for very close circle. There’s no point in all just buying pointless tat as an empty gesture, 99% of the time the receiver doesn’t want it anyway.

Yes, it makes a massive difference.
The ettiquette is that you invite people to a party, meal, wedding, christening, tea and you put it on...then they bring a gift, flowers, bottle as the thankyou.
All this 'you've been invited to...but you've got to pay' bit is a modern downfall.

Sorry for the rant but it never used to be this way...I blame the Beckhams!

I fully disagree.
Having clutter in your house is way worse. I absolutely hate when people give just any gift so they feel they don't show "empty handed"
OP the majority of people consider that paying for your own meal plus theirs plus spending their time there is the gift.
And inviting 30 people is a mini wedding. Its just bizarre. Specially when you say only half are your actual friends.

No one owes you anything. Be glad people took time to attend your social function and increase your feeling of self importance

Helllllll no I don't expect anything.I just turned 40 and although most people got me a card and a present or at least a card ,I wouldn't have been disappointed if they hadn't. My dad came down from Yorkshire empty handed but I was just happy he was there!

This.

I'm from a different culture, but agree with the majority. Basically, you host (as in: pay for everything) = gifts. Everyone pay for themselves = no gifts.

We used to do a '99cent sweet' thing in teenage years. Pool some money together for drinks and snacks and then party. But we were teenagers. And even then it was something like a CD, Rimmel lip gloss or a band tshirt (so approx a fiver or thereabouts) for a mate and not an actual 99cent pack of sweets.

I'm going to sound a dick, but no 3.50 Tesco candles or boxes of Maltesers for me, ta. I'm 36, I can buy my own chocolate. Either a 'normal' present (a fancy hardback, leather gloves, something like that) or nothing. I don't expect anything and if people show up without presents - that's perfectly fine. But no 3quid tesco candles, please.

However, with house-gatherings it's different. You always, ALWAYS bring a bottle and some sides/flowers (depending on occasion). You can never come empty handed, that's a massive faux pas. Doesn't matter if the host provided a massive spread or just a few beers and crisps, you never come empty handed.

Then this is a lesson for you: don’t give gifts just because you’ll get one back.

my mother taught me this at a very young age.

buy a person a gift because you want to, not because you want something in return.

She is unemployed 🤷‍♀️

I think this is a clippity clop thread

Went to friends surprise 50th birthday recently, £60 train, £90 hotel and over £100 for meal and drinks, didn't take a present!

Doglover321 31 people came to have dinner with you, obviously they like you. I wouldn't take the no gifts personally. I don't even know 31 people to invite out!

Your 27! Adults don’t do presents really, it’s more of a kids thing having a ‘birthday party’

you invited them to have a meal and pay for it themselves, that costly. It’s nice they did that, why would you expect a gift too?

OP, did anyone even know it was a birthday celebration? I find it very odd that you invited 14 people you barely know (including 2 you had never met/ didn’t know at all) to celebrate your birthday. If it had been me, I’d have invited the 17 (supposedly) close friends, and paid for them myself. I am getting really strong “met online”
vibes about your friends, it’s also strange that you message 17 people daily. If you put that work into securing a job, you’d have one in no time.

to answer your question, I would likely bring a card with me to a birthday celebration of a friend where I was expected to pay for my
own meal. If the birthday person was footing the bill for everyone, I would bring a gift.

I went to my best friends birthday (escape room and bottomless brunch) I was on mat leave and me and husband went so we didn’t get her a gift, and she made it clear her present was that we came.
I think YABU.
I wouldn’t bring a gift to an adults party unless they were paying.
I would bring a card.