To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

Fellow mumsnetters, I'm going to 'host' a party in 4 months time in my favourite restaurant. You're all invited BUT you must bring gifts and pay for yourself.

Also, you can't sit at the same table as me cos I don't talk to strangers so you'll have to sit elsewhere.

Meet Up is the modern equivalent of sticking a card in the newsagent's window saying: "Book group, 7pm Thursday, Village Hall. All welcome." Except not just books - can be walks, meals, any social event.

I don’t really understand the last part?

I think this has been blown out of proportion a bit. I don’t think I’m expecting too much, but then opinions will differ. All I was expecting was a very small gift (think £5/10 gift voucher, a packet of sweets, or a drink bought for me?). I never turn up empty-handed to a friend’s birthday meal or party, and 17 of them were close friends who I message daily and meet up with 1:1. I also reciprocate and bring a gift when I’m invited to someone’s birthday. But each to their own I guess. If this makes me entitled then so be it! :)

I wouldn't expect a card, gift or anything for a birthday meal out. Possibly from very close friends if it was a big milestone birthday - but I wouldn't be upset if not. It would be a nice gesture if your meal was paid for by those attending, but again it would be a nice extra and certainly not expected. Please don't take it personally.

If you were hosting and cooking in your own place, that's a bit different; a bottle of wine, chocolates, flowers - something is expected.

I don't think I even know 31 people who would come to my birthday meal these days! You're very lucky to have so many friends!

It was a joke.

In one breath you're saying everyone who doesn't bring a gift is rude, then you're saying each to their own, so you must understand that not everyone thinks like you do. Not everyone agrees with your way of thinking, but that doesn't make them rude.

You go on about finances, what you could and couldn't afford etc, but don't consider the finances of your friends. Perhaps they couldn't afford to both come to the event and buy a present and thought you would appreciate their presence over the presents.

Maybe they gave them gifts before meeting up? My DM attended my uncles big birthday bash empty handed as she had dropped his gift and card at his house earlier.

I'm amazed someone can have 17 close friends that they message every day. Where do you get the time????

A child's birthday party you bring a present, possibly an adult's too. This wasn't a party though, it was a meal out. I would probably bring a card, but not a present, I've never known this at all!

People have given up their time and money to attend at your request, that's really nice of them. You should be grateful rather than disappointed.

It's wrong to turn up to a party/meal/ with one hand as long as the other.

Wrong, bad mannered and mean of money and heart.

I wouldn't turn up empty handed to a house party or event where food / drink were being provided. If I was joining a group of friends to celebrate a birthday and paying for my meal then I wouldn't usually think of taking a gift. I might for a big birthday depending on how close we were.

Recently went for a birthday meal with a group of 9 for someone else’s birthday. The etiquette within our group is that the birthday girl/birthday boy pays nothing and the rest of us all equally split the bill to cover drinks and food of the person who has the birthday.

we also got the birthday girl (woman!) a card and present. Another couple did too, but I don’t think everyone did.

a group of 31 people sounds like a lot - are they all fairly close friends? If not I would have expected at least a card but perhaps not a present.

Why on earth would you do that for a birthday party? Why would they care about a random person's birthday?

I think it's bad etiquette to expect people to bring gifts/ expect anything of your guests.

Presumably you invited them because you wanted them there, not because you wanted them to bring you some cheap chocolate.

Going out to eat is expensive these days. It's nice that so many people came to your meal. As they paid for their own meals, can you not just appreciate that you had their company for the evening, without stressing over the fact that they didn't give you a gift. Surely spending time with people you like is more valuable than being given some token thing you don't need? Unless it's your immediate family, birthday presents are for kids, you are an adult.

The older you get, the harder it becomes to maintain such large social groups. The number of people at your birthday meal will naturally dwindle over the next decade and beyond so appreciate them while you can.

If I'm paying for my own meal at a celebration, that's the gift. I'm attending your restaurant of choice.

But it is all kinds of wrong. You invite people to pay for themselves at a restaurant, and you want them to also bring you a voucher for £10. Grabby.

Presence not presents.Absolutely works when pay own way-thats alot of people who chose to be there. Probably i would still have did card,small gift.The numbers you say did sort of proves the standard expectation re gifting really tho. Its lovely so many attended.

Sounds fine if they paid for their own meal.

Only close friends and family should buy gifts. If they would not ordinarily have provided a present an invite to a meal does not necessitate present giving.

You sound grabby. Sorry.

I had people come to my wedding that never gave me a gift (certainly not short of cash either). It was a black tie event in central London with an open bar - no one had to pay anything other than get there.
So, there are just some people who don't do gifts I guess.
When we go out to celebrate a birthday everyone chips in to cover the birthday persons meal and there's a group gift too (usually just 8-12 of us though and we all know each other).

There's a difference between the following -

It's my Birthday next week and it would be nice if we could all go to the Indian for a meal.

And

I'd like to invite you to my Birthday meal next week. I'll buy you all a drink.

And

You are invited to my Birthday meal. Date, time, venue. RSVP.

The first one I'd probably bring a card.
The second a card and maybe a small gift.
The latter a card and a gift. I'd assume the host was paying in the last scenario.

I'm part of a large social group and go out to celebrate birthdays about twice a month. We all pay our own way.

Some people we're closer too than others. Those people we'll give a small gift to, others we won't but maybe buy a card. All depends.

None of us expect anything. It's just lovely to all get together.

This. As an adult I wouldn’t expect anything.

If it was my birthday, I wouldn't expect gifts or even cards but if I was one of the guests, I'd take a card and gift. Makes no sense I guess but that's what I'd do!

My thoughts too!

Also hosted a New Year’s Eve party round my house and provided a large buffet. No one brought a bottle or anything.

Few years before that, held a Christmas (19th December) party at mine. No one brought a card, present or bottle.

AIBU for expecting in either of these situations?