To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

If I had to pay for my own meal to celebrate someone's birthday, I wouldn't bring a present too.

It seems views vary quite a bit! :)

Well you don't need to unless your friend is providing food and drink and even then its not a hard and fast requirement. A bottle of wine or box of chocs or flowers is normal when the host is providing food and drink.

I would probably bring a card but unless it was a close friend I wouldn’t bring a gift. Tbh even if it’s a close friend I still might not. We are there celebrating them. That’s the fun bit. I’m early 30s so similar age as your pals.

Yours versus everyone else's?

If a friend said it was their birthday 4 months ahead (weird in itself) and I paid for myself no i wouldn't bring a gift when the time comes. I don't get why people even think people care about their birthday, I'd be going for meeting friends for a meal, birthday in inconsequential.

I don't think they do

First time it was to a different Indian restaurant to celebrate my friend Tom’s birthday. I attended with a birthday card and useful travel mug for a present.

2nd time it was my friend Sylvia’s birthday at a Chinese restaurant. I attended with a card and several chocolate-based gifts.

If you do believe strongly in ‘etiquette’ then you’d understand you were hosting a birthday meal. And hosting means paying for.

Poor showing on your behalf op.

If you expected presents you should have paid for everyone’s meals!

Sorry but you're coming across as very entitled. I'd only bring a card to a birthday meal, for which I was having to fork out the meal expense, travel and arrange childcare. I'd only bring a gift if it was for a close friend.

If a friend is hosting at their house I'd bring a bottle and if they were paying for the meal I'd bring a gift

Sorry, forgot to add - neither Tom nor Sylvia treated their guests :) yet I still attended with cards and gifts.

The only people who agreed a gift should be brought said it was the case if you had paid for everyone's meals, which you didn't

I would bring a card, but would not bring a gift. To me, gifts are for children and significant birthdays for close friends. I don’t even get my brother a birthday gift unless the birthday ends with a 0!

I would only bring a gift for a close friend or for a big birthday. 27 isn't a big birthday and I'm surprised you'd expect people to pay for their own meal for your birthday, bring a gift and, by the sounds of it, pay for your meal too.

Choose one of them!

I’m a gift giver - I spend time and money on it - it’s my ‘love language’. But I wouldn’t have brought you a gift in that situation - I would’ve got you a card and paying for my meal would be the gift equivalent.

As pp have said, you can’t expect to ‘organise’ a birthday party and expect people to pay for it as well as gifts. That’s grabby and bad mannered imo. Especially the idea that they’d bring gifts AND chip in for your meal! Such entitlement…

OP - just take this as a learning experience. Once you're an adult, most people don't really care that much about your birthday. They came to the meal because they enjoy your company, that and a birthday card is as much as you can reasonably expect really.

Are you one of these people that expects people to make a massive thing out of birthdays? The fact that you booked the meal 4 months in advance (why? It doesn't sound like you were eating somewhere that would be tricky to get a table?) makes me think that you might be.

That was your choice though. Nobody forced you to. I bet the other guests didn't, did they?

Hang on, OP, I remember you — you posted about this before, and made it clear it was a Meet Up group situation you described yourself as ‘hosting’. Everyone told you your wording on the group was very ambiguous and to make sure the guests knew that you wouldn’t be paying on the night.

You hadn’t even met some of these people before, if I’m right! They were showing up to an Indian meal for the birthday of a stranger, paying for themselves, and you expected them to give you a present snd/or pay for your meal???

You have some strange ideas about social life, hosting etc. I mean, I thought it was weird that you organised your birthday meal via Meet Up, anyway, meaning there would be complete strangers at it, but complaining they showed up empty-handed is really mad!

I think your biggest learning OP is that past 18, birthdays essentially don’t matter to anyone other than the person whose birthday it is, and their immediate family. The only birthdays adults can reasonably expect gifts or cards for (outside of your immediate family circle and maybe a couple of lifelong best friends) are milestone birthdays. It’s lovely to organise a meal and invite people but a lot of people will quietly think it is odd if you make a huge “thing” out of turning 27.

Yes!

Did Tom and Sylvia organise their birthday via Meet Up thereby inviting total strangers?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/meetups/5062571-biggest-meal-out-youve-ever-hostedattended?reply=134823042

You're a grown up, you don't need presents

This is bonkers 😂😂