To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

Took you long enough to own up to that bit OP. It makes a MASSIVE difference. If they are paying for themselves then yabu.

Yes, it is. OP, were the five people who gave you presents your actual friends, as distinct from people who signed up for your birthday via Meet Up?

TheCatJumps, I was quite close friends with about 17 of them. Not so much the rest of them. Only 2 I had never met.

Oh dear me OP. So you invited people you don't really know that well or at all to your birthday meal. At one point you worried they wouldn't even pay for themselves but they have, and you're moaning about gifts???? This is sureal.

At Tom and Sylvia's did you notice if other people took gifts?

We hosted a birthday for DH last year - so we paid for everyone's meals and drinks. We let people know this beforehand and we also explicitly said no gifts please. I think most adults say this now. Every other adult party we have been to the host always says "please no gifts". Some people still being a bottle but theres no expectation.

As above, I was (and still am) close friends with 17 of them. We message each other most days and talk and meet up as friends, including 1-1 sometimes.

Yes, I think that's the crux of it.

You didn't "host" them, in which case, yes, it's rude to come empty handed.

But as they were paying for themselves I don't think a gift is necessary.

You had 31 ppl turn to celebrate your birthday, and 5 of them brought you a gift. I'd say that's a success.

OP - my advice is to dial down the whole birthday thing next year. Celebrate with the people who are close to you (no matter how small a group that is), and relax about it.

Booking a restaurant 4 mths in advance and inviting people you hardly know (who you don't even trust to pay for their meal) is way OTT for an adult birthday.

I don't know where this stands etiquette wise but I don't think I'd bring a gift to a large restaurant get together, I'd send what I wanted to the person's house. I've never been to a large meet up meal but it's not something I'd take a gift to if I didn't know the host well.

In general I think we're getting more cynical about gifting and conscious of waste. As an adult the last thing I'd want is potentially more than 30 bits of tat to sift through.

This.
Totally normal for my friendship group.
Close friends would get presents. Extended friends no need.
I wouldn't bat an eye personally.
Gifts are a special offering, not a request.

I feel like some people have been a little rude when all I wanted to know was the general consensus because I have been brought up to believe that not bringing a gift to someone’s birthday meal or party isn’t good etiquette and still being a gift of some sort to my friend’s birthdays.

Admittedly, people did pay for themselves. Does this make a difference?
Of course it does! You were basically organising an event, not hosting a party.

Oh I see from the other thread that this was organised through an app as more of a social occasion and general meal as well as it being your birthday?

So so strange that you advertised your birthday meal to 900 people you don't know.

Thank you those who have been polite though and told me what they do :)

In general I think we're getting more cynical about gifting and conscious of waste. As an adult the last thing I'd want is potentially more than 30 bits of tat to sift through.

100% agree with this!

Consumption for the sake of consumption (e.g. "a cheap bag of sweets") is what is fucking our planet up. I would hate to be given 30 bits of tat I don't need, would far rather get one small thoughtful gift from my DH and just spend some quality time with my friends.

You didn't host the get together, you just co-ordinated it. You sent out a message along the lines of ‘host’s birthday, grab ‘em while you can’ so you were lucky that people didn't assume you were actually hosting (ie paying).

30 people came out and spent time with you, and their own money on the meal, for your non-significant birthday. That's a lovely thing, enjoy it!

But thinking that they should all also have brought you a gift... and for you to have been stewing on it for a week and a half... is bizarre. You're 27, not 7. Let it go.

Of course it makes a difference. You expected people to turn up to celebrate you, pay for their meal, pay for your meal AND bring a present?

Surely not real.

I would take a card and possibly a gift but I wouldn't expect anything if I invited people out nor would I be offended

But a party is something you host. “Party” means you’ve booked a venue and provided entertainment and food. All that comes at a cost, so people expect to bring a gift in return. If you had invited people to a private venue where you’d laid on a buffet and paid for a DJ or singer, you’d probably have got more presents (but people would think this very odd for a birthday that’s not a milestone one).

Just booking a meal in a restaurant doesn’t count as hosting. It’s basically a night out, only you get to choose the restaurant rather than your friends having input too. And they have to spend the night making small talk with people they don’t know particularly well. THAT is the present they have given you - take it as a compliment that they came, despite probably secretly fancying a night at home in their PJs!

Of course it does.

OP, you sound very rigid and set in your ways. Surely you can see the difference between someone hosting their own birthday party, having provided food and drinking for their actual friends, and advertising your restaurant birthday meal to hundreds of strangers as a Meet Up event?

I've been brought up to pay for guests if I'm hosting something.

I would never turn up to a birthday dinner without a present. Even just a token present of a bottle of wine etc. I do think it is rude.

Definitely not the done thing amongst my friends and family.

Not pay for my meal, no. Pay for their own meal (I’m unemployed and can’t afford to pay for so many meals - plus why should I be out of pocket on my birthday), plus bring a very small gift, cheap box of chocs or £10 gift voucher maybe?

Thank you!!! 👏👏🤗