To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

@Doglover321 if you invite 31 people to your birthday meal and they take the time and spend their own money on celebrating with you then you should see your gift as their presence. If you had treated them all then I'd say it's rude they didn't bring anything. I'd take a card unless it was a special birthday and we were super close.

I rarely go empty handed to any sort of celebration, whether it be a card, flowers, wine etc.
My friendship circle are all turning 40 this year and I’ve bought each of them a present.

However, I would never expect or assume that I would receive gifts if I had planned a meal out . Especially for a “normal” birthday.
31 people made the effort to come and celebrate with you which will have come at some expense.

I think dinner parties at home are different, they always require a bottle of something or a small token for the host. Children’s parties also always require a gift.

You’re 27 now, people have mortgages, rent, children, debt…. Time is the most precious commodity. You should be grateful that those people thought enough of you to go.

Sorry but you are being massively unreasonable.

Why should anyone offer to pay your meal If I invited people out to join me for a meal, I wouldn't expect them to pay for me or me pay for them or to bring me anything.

I'd just be happy they were there. Look 31 people turned up to spend your birthday meal with you. You should be focusing on that. Anything else is an added bonus.

How do you know that some of them don't have financal difficulties and budgeted for your meal?

You sound like a spoiled brat.

Personally, I would have taken something. However, to expect it is very grabby.

Surely if you choose to arrange a meal at a restaurant you expect to pay for your own meal?? It's nice if friends offer but shouldn't be expected!

You sound rather entitled. You have arranged an event which costs your guests a considerable amount to attend (during a cost of living crisis) and then complain about lack of gifts/paying for your own food.

I paid for my own meal in a restaurant at my last birthday, didnt expect or recieve gifts and was just happy to spend time with friends

Is this why you invited over 30 people, to get gifts and vouchers?

I’m really surprised the people you’ve never met before didn’t give you a birthday present and card.

Very big omission from the OP on this thread!!!!

OP I'm with you. It's rude as hell! I never come empty handed to someone's birthday event and I always expect to pay for my own meal unless the host insist. If you are a tight arse that you can't so much as buy a friend some flowers for their birthday then I don't need you as a friend.

So it was basically a meet up group of mostly random strangers that coincided with your birthday and yet you expected people you’ve never met before to bring you gifts?

Seriously anyone who has left school and still thinks that is as grabby and entitled as it gets.

1. Most of the people weren't friends
2. What on earth was the OP meant to do with 31 bunches of flowers in the restaurant and subsequent pub?

Happy Birthday!! I always give a gift because that's what feels right to me.

However, I wouldn't expect the same from others unless I was paying for the whole event - in which case it's only polite to show a token of one's appreciation.

Do what feels right for you, but don't get hung up on expecting the same from others. x

I would always take a card and bottle of wine or flowers to a friends birthday celebration. The only exception is if we're going to be out all day and I don't want them lumbered with it, in which case I'd give it before the event, or afterwards (but let them know about it!)

if this is a child’s birthday then yes I would expect people to bring presents

if it is an adults birthday then no I wouldn’t! The most I would expect is for them to offer to buy you a drink!

Announced your birthday?! Like the queen?! Not sure about this….

31 people attended your birthday. Which shows that you must be a nice person. Be grateful. I think the general
expectation now is not to spend money on birthdays but to put your money into enjoyed the event out. Don’t be a spoilsport. You should ungrateful.

WTAF

So why didn’t you just invite the 17 friends??

The friends themselves probably got confused as to what the hell they were attending. It doesn’t sound like a ‘party’ or even a celebration. It sounds like a weird promotional business convention that you’ve dressed up as a birthday celebration in the hope of getting some free vouchers out of.

I also don’t get the point of having 31 people for a meal. You’re hardly going to get to chat to them all properly and working out the bill sounds like a friggin nightmare!

I honestly don’t get how this can be any sort of enjoyable celebration for you but then again, I have no idea what ‘meet up’ is or how it works so maybe I’m simply out of touch with how twenty-somethings celebrate birthdays nowadays.

Yeah, imagine if the 31 people all bought you presents but in return all then invited you to their birthday celebrations. You’d have a lot of presents to fork out for. Surely it potentially could turn into a false economy!

People are thinking more about rent, bills, mortgages, also current cost of living. I don't think it's unreasonable to think that a fair proportion of them are thinking that their presence is your present. To be honest, you're not really valuing what they are giving you which is more of a precious commodity when lives are busy which is their time. The point is, did you all have a good evening.

In terms of whether it's disrespectful of friends, it's nice to show up with a card, or token gift, but these days I don't think it's really that frowned upon not buy presents for your whole friendship group. Personally I have one best friend who I do tend to spend on, but I see it more as a way of killing two birds, its her birthday and we enjoy spending time together so I'll spend money on an experience she wants to do that we can do together (we can always find a crossover of something), or buy her a massage etc.

I'll give adult people birthday gifts if they're really close to me, regardless of attending a meal. If I'm paying large sums of money to celebrate your birthday in a restaurant, that's surely enough friendship validation. A cheap packet of sweets would be insulting.

No, everyone gets it! They just disagree with you 😂You are basically complaining at everyone telling you you’re wrong. You sound very entitled / spoilt tbh

I'd never expect a present either for myself or my child (who's 17) if they've taken their time to come and paid for their own food and spent the evening with you surely that's enough

This is actually wild 😂 I much prefer the gift of presence than presents.

Also having met a number of friends from meetup I would never expect a meetup event to include people bringing gifts - anything on meetup is about meeting people. I certainly wouldn’t expect strangers to bring gifts.

With regards to the previous events you’ve hosted at your own cost, just tell people what to bring? Usually with my friends we just agree a budget for that kind of thing so no one is left out of pocket.

In the end it’s about the people who show up for you, not materialism.

You are very lucky to have 17 friends.

In future I'd stick to celebrating your birthday with those.

I'd save the meet ups for a more casual thing.

I'm actually not sure that the OP defines 'friends' the same way as other people do, just as she doesn't define 'having a birthday meal' the way most people do.