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Original poster

To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

575 replies

Doglover321 · 16/05/2024 12:28

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

OP posts:
SadWench · 16/05/2024 12:29

That's very strange. Did everyone pay for their own meal?

PRSS · 16/05/2024 12:30

Surely the fact that all those people took the time and expense to attend should be enough.

SpringerFall · 16/05/2024 12:30

I want people at my events not presents

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 16/05/2024 12:31

If it was for a child yes… for an adult no as effort made to attend meal

LadyThistledown · 16/05/2024 12:32

you're correct only if you paid.
Otherwise, their attendance and paying for their own meals is a present in itself

MavisPennies · 16/05/2024 12:32

Hmmm... I always think presents are more for kids parties.
Did they buy you a drink/ pay for your meal?

Storminagoblet · 16/05/2024 12:32

I've a large wider circle of friends and we meet up sometimes for a group meal but there's a tacit understanding that some of us do cards/ gifts and some don't. I hosted a party for my birthday last year at our house where I cooked and most brought gifts then but I think more of a host gift type scenario

JustPleachy · 16/05/2024 12:33

If you paid for the meal then it would be polite for them to bring something. If they paid for their own meals I wouldn’t expect them to bring a gift.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 16/05/2024 12:33

MavisPennies · 16/05/2024 12:32

Hmmm... I always think presents are more for kids parties.
Did they buy you a drink/ pay for your meal?

Nope, no offer of drinks and had to pay for my own meal!

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 16/05/2024 12:34

I wouldn't bring a cheap bag of sweets to a meal.

I would only bring something if the host was paying for the meal. Otherwise the fact I've paid out for childcare, possibly paid for an outfit, paid to get to the restaurant and back again and all my own food and drinks.

JustPleachy · 16/05/2024 12:35

Doglover321 · 16/05/2024 12:33

Nope, no offer of drinks and had to pay for my own meal!

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If you had to foot the bill for everyone including yourself, and they didn’t bring even a token gift, then unless there are extenuating circumstances there people do not value you (sorry).

Tatapie · 16/05/2024 12:35

I think if they're turning up and paying for themselves isn't enough tbh. How old are you btw?

1offnamechange · 16/05/2024 12:39

Doglover321 · 16/05/2024 12:33

Nope, no offer of drinks and had to pay for my own meal!

Show quote history

Yes, but as several people have asked, did you pay for their meals?

If so yes would expect some sort of gift
If not then no I would neither expect one nor bring one for an adult. Maybe more likely to bring something if it was a big birthday.

assuning you didnt pay for their meals and drinks, do you buy all your attendees gifts for every single one of their birthdays regardless of whether they invite you out to do something to celebrate or not? Because if not then you're basically expecting a gift, not in recognition of your birthday but as as recognition for booking a table in a restaurant, which isn't really worthy of praise or presents! And in that case you should reciprocate woth a gift any time anybody organises any sort of event or trip, for any reason, which I'm willing to bet you don't do!

arethereanyleftatall · 16/05/2024 12:39

So were you the birthday person and did you pay for everyone's meal?

I would say the etiquette is...

If you 'host' your birthday party, people will bring presents.

If the guests pay for themselves, that is their present.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 16/05/2024 12:39

Tatapie · 16/05/2024 12:35

I think if they're turning up and paying for themselves isn't enough tbh. How old are you btw?

27, but most of my friends who attended were older. 30s mostly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover321 · 16/05/2024 12:40

Admittedly, people did pay for themselves. Does this make a difference?

OP posts:
TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 16/05/2024 12:41

I'd be a bit nonplussed if someone turned up to my birthday meal with "a cheap bag of sweets"!

As an adult, I don't expect gifts from everyone in my circle of friends - just those who are closest to me. And if someone is going to give me a gift I'd rather they NOT do it on a night out when I'm going to have to carry it all home with me. A card would be usual, but anything else is optional.

pizzaHeart · 16/05/2024 12:41

Doglover321 · 16/05/2024 12:40

Admittedly, people did pay for themselves. Does this make a difference?

I think it does. I would expect them maybe to share pay for your meal but not more.

Tygertiger · 16/05/2024 12:41

If it’s a night out for a non-significant birthday I think you’re being unreasonable to expect gifts if you are not paying the bill. If it was for a birthday ending in a zero it’s a bit different and you’d normally expect a card and maybe a bottle of wine. But expecting everyone to pay for their meal and buy you something is a bit much and makes you seem a bit grabby.

Waitingforsummer75 · 16/05/2024 12:41

It wasn't a milestone birthday, 30 people turned up and paid for their own meals. I'm not sure I would expect anything else

Original poster
Doglover321 · 16/05/2024 12:42

I’m unemployed and have attended 2 friend’s birthdays since being so and brought a gift with me each time :)

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 16/05/2024 12:42

Doglover321 · 16/05/2024 12:40

Admittedly, people did pay for themselves. Does this make a difference?

Yes it does. If I was inviting people out for a meal for my birthday, I’d pay. You can’t ask people to pay AND bring you a gift.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/05/2024 12:42

Doglover321 · 16/05/2024 12:40

Admittedly, people did pay for themselves. Does this make a difference?

Yes, of course it does. They are paying out for something which was your choice. Your choice of venue, of location, of time. It might not be their choice. I'm sure they will have a good time, but their present to you is their presence to your invite.

Btw - I would bring a present in this situation, but it would be 'less' than I would bring if they were hosting.

BranchGold · 16/05/2024 12:42

Absolutely makes a difference, yes.

you come across as pretty entitled. Once out of childhood, you realise that your birthday is only really special to you.

it wasn’t a big event birthday.

31 people made an effort to celebrate you and you’re unhappy there wasn’t a gift attached?!

TheCatJumps · 16/05/2024 12:42

Doglover321 · 16/05/2024 12:40

Admittedly, people did pay for themselves. Does this make a difference?

Of course it makes a difference!

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