To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

For an adult meal out I don't think it's a thing, we don't do gifts in our group, if someone had a party at their house we would take a bottle but we would do that regardless of it was a birthday or not. Prob wine for a regular party and bubbles for a birthday unless they didn't like bubbles.
Gifts are for kids parties, but I think it would have been nice if they had split your meal between them, after all it would only be a pound or two each really, hardly notificable

"Have already saved a bit of money and drank my Stefanoff on a night out".

Says it all really.

I asked several days ago what culture the OP was from but she hasn't responded.

If she isn't from the UK I'd be interested to know where she is from. (So if I ever visit the country I can stock up on some cheap tat)

You muddied the waters by posting it in the meetup group which made it sound like a meetup which just happened to be on your birthday, rather than an actual birthday with a select group of friends and family. You weren't paying for their meals, you barely knew most of them and the ones you claim are your close friend seem to be randoms from a facebook group. So no, I wouldn't expect them to bring presents.
I'd expect close friends and family to bring something with them to a small gathering hosted by you at your home or at a restaurant but that wasn't the scenario here.

And was it a "big" birthday?

I think it would have been nice if they had split your meal between them, after all it would only be a pound or two each really, hardly noticeable.

Among a smaller group of good friends, this would be a nice gestures. The logistics of coordinating this among 31 people, many of whom had never met before, seated across several tables in a restaurant are virtually impossible, though. Would you want somebody you’d never met before proposing that you paid part of the bill for somebody you only knew vaguely from an internet group? Wouldn’t you feel awkward being the person standing up and proposing it? It sort of highlights the oddness of opening up your birthday celebration to randoms and then expecting them to behave like anything other than randoms.

If I were paying for my own meal, I wouldn't bring a gift no. I find that quite entitled of the birthday gal / guy.

I am with the OP.

I think it’s polite and basic etiquette to bring some kind of gift/token of appreciation to someone’s birthday meal. Otherwise, it’s just meeting up for dinner? It doesn’t have to be much. Could just be a bottle of something, flowers, card, box of chocs… I doubt all of them are suffering financial burden to the point they can’t treat their mate.

I took my friend out and paid for her meal, but I also brought her a little something + a card. I don’t have many friends, but I like to treat the ones I do have.

Ok I didn’t realise it was a meet up group.

Think MN is only place where you will nonsense like:
"Of course you don't bring gifts when you go to meet newborn. Baby itself is gift for a mum!"
And in the same tim:
"People should bring gifts to a birthday of an actual adult"

It is a bit mad tbh.

Exactly this

YABU.

What are you, 12 years old?

If it was a party and you'd hired the space then I would expect people to bring a small token gift. But if you've invited people to a restaurant to pay for their own meal then why would they bring a present?

Sadly I do not have 35 friends, but if I had a birthday meal - I'd be happy people came out to celebrate with me ans wouldn't expect gifts.

In those circumstances I'd take a card.

At someone's home - I take flowers and wine normally and offer to bring a pudding.

Why is that sad. True friends are people you could call any time day or night and share your troubles with. They are like members of family & know you inside out. People who are in random groups due to circumstances are acquaintances, no more, no less.

Sorry OP this is bizarre. How do you have time to message 17 close friends daily, do you sleep? The only people I speak with every single day are my husband and my children and that’s because they live with me 😂 And you say it’s the thought that counts but then in the same breath say you’d rather have some tat from the pound shop than nothing? How much thought do you think that takes? 🥴 I’d much rather get nothing than get a load of tat destined for the bin!

She doesn't message 17 people daily on an individual basis, she has clarified that it's a FB group chat. So probably just random FB trivia rather than proper conversations.

I would have expected them to pay for your drinks/meal, but I wouldn’t have expected people to turn up with gifts for an adult.

Omg hilarious and spot on.
OP everyone except you is saying the same thing. 🤣

But that’s just it - YOU wouldn’t turn up
empty handed. You want your friends (I’m using the term loosely since you hadn’t even met a couple of them) to have the same habits and values as you, and they don’t. Rather than focusing on what you didn’t get (a shedload of small gifts?), maybe focus on the fact that 30 people took time out of their lives, at your request, to celebrate with you. If that isn’t enough for you, maybe this isn’t going to be your friendship circle long term. Cultivate one that suits you better.

People probably paid a small fortune to support you in what you asked... of course that bloody counts.

Not just money but time, do you know how hard it is for most adults who have real responsibilities (kids, work, bills, houses to keep up etc...) to get time as well as money to go out... I didn't have 31 people from my side come to my wedding never mind just a random (not even big age) birthday party.

You sound very shallow, from throwing yourself your own large 27th birthday at others expense to then moaning about not getting enough gifts I suggest you close Instagram and return to the real world because life doesn't owe you any of that and its not how the world works.

Even if I paid for my meal / drinks I would always bring a card and a little something (might be a bottle / chocolate / smellies or similar). Or the group offers to pay the meal for the birthday person.

Very weird how some people say that 'it's enough that people made the effort to come to the meal'. What sort of friends would think like that?? I despair!

I would not expect any presents. I would be glad they made the effort to turn up. A present is nice but I woukdnt expect or want a gift. I know my friends have financial commitments, kids, mortgages, bills and the fact they have made time to come would be more than enough. I also would go as far to say in many cultures the host provides all food and drink for their guests. I have a russian friend for example and we discussed this on her birthday as she paid for full meal, drinks and boat trip for all guests and did not expect a present. I think its nice for close friends to give maybe somethibg persknal like a picture frame or their favohrite drink but definitely would not invite 30 people and expect them all to bring me a present on top of paying for their own food and drink. Its your party, the onus is on you to provide a great experience for your guests, not the other way around?!!

I wouldn’t have brought a gift, I only do if someone has organised a party and gone to some expense themselves.

Had everyone brought something, would there have been room to take home 31 presents?

I think if you are paying for the meal - I don't you need to buy a separate gift. If you were hosting at home, I think it reasonable to bring somethings.