To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

No presents for adults bdays (unless it’s a big milestone birthday and they are throwing a party)
they made time to come to your dinner and paid for their own meal and drinks. In my circle and for my family, that is considered plenty.

You are incredibly entitled OP. These people made time to attend your birthday dinner, that's all that you should expect. You are not a child any longer. My late DF used to take a small group out every year for his birthday. He paid for everything and would have been embarrassed if anyone had arrived with a gift.

…. Did you pay for the meal? Then yeah rude.

but you didn’t! Soooo them coming out and spending money to celebrate you was the present.

i don't expect adults to bring birthdays presents. That's really odd to me, they have done enough by attending and celebrating with you. They paid for themselves too so this is your gift of company.

I think op you’re still in the childish mindset of bdays where you invite everyone you know and expect presents… as you get older this isn’t really how it goes anymore. I had a bday dinner with my friends for my bday last week, some bought gifts others didn’t I was just genuinely happy people had come out to spend time with me on my bday. Let it go- life’s too short!

not sure why you would celebrate your birthday with random people off facebook. i take "close friends" with a pinch of salt too off the back of your previous post. to expect presents of random people aswell is just absolutely mental!

You're acting like a child.

I would not expect presents in these circumstances when the guests are paying for their own meals.

Yes it makes a difference op. A meal out is a luxury these days that few can afford. Presents are for children or for very close friends.

What do you mean ‘you once had a friend like me’? I’ve said I’d be very happy with a cheaper gift. Even something from the charity or 99p shop. A gift is better than no gift.

The world is drowning in tat. A lot of people now refuse to buy token presents - me included. Your friends are assholes if they don't bring a bottle or flowers or even crisps to house party though.

Yes, I think etiquette has slipped. As I was brought up, the etiquette would have been for the host to actually host i.e. pay for their guests. Terribly poor etiquette to invite people to something and expect them to pay their own way.

You can't have it both ways, OP

OP clarified later that the 17 people were ones she communicates with regularly via a FB group. I think this is a symptom of the social media generation - you can message people regularly and feel like they are close, whilst not really knowing them that well.

I wouldn’t think to bring a gift/card to a meal, in case the birthday person wanted to go to a bar etc after and would then have to lug everything around. Ive had a friend have to leave expensive presents behind the till at a restaurant, as we planned to go for a dance after the meal. If it was a close friend, I’d wait and give them their gift at their home or more suitable time

So they paid for their own meals and drinks in a restaurant? That seems like a fairly generous gift. You want presents - you pay for all the food and drink.

I think if you were paying then they should bring a gift. If they are joining you to celebrate your birthday using their time and spending their money to do something they probably wouldn’t do otherwise then I think it’s a bit much to expect a gift too.

Yes it does. That’s your gift.

I agree. The difference is that mammy was paying for everything when you were a child also. That’s why people brought gifts.

Meal out where paying for own meals - wouldn't bring a present.

Meal out with meal paid for - small gift eg. Candle etc.

Going to someone's house for a meal that they are providing - bottle of wine.

I would never give someone a bag of minstrels or a £5 voucher as a gift. If someone gave me a bag of minstrels id think they were weird and if someone gave me a £5 voucher, id probably think they must be hard up and should have saved the money. On both counts id really rather the person just came themself and brought nothing. Even considering a more expensive gift, yes, it would be nice to receive but if i didnt get any, id just be happy to have had a nice time with friends.

As the same age bracket as you we don't bring presents. Why would you want 30 presents of absolute tat. What a waste of money. Then you have to carry it all round with you. Just be grateful people came. You can't expect people to pay for themselves and get a present. Your present was them attending and paying for their own food.

But they did get you "something". They made the effort to come along to a restaurant of your choosing and they paid for their food (plus travel, babysitting etc etc). They basically paid for your party, that etiquette states that you should have paid for. It probably cost them £30+ to pay to attend. That's a pretty big gift for a (virtual) stranger tbh!

The correct etiquette is that you host and pay for the party, and in return they bring a small gift (chocs/wine/flowers would be appropriate - not £10 gift vouchers!). But since you broke the rules of etiquette and didn't host, then the correct response would be for the invitees to pay for themselves without making a fuss or drawing attention to your lack of hosting.

With regard to a Christmas/NY party where you hosted and put on a buffet, assuming this was an arranged event and you significantly hosted (i.e. catered buffet or sufficient food as a meal- i.e. not just crisps and peanuts shoved on the table), then I'd expect people to bring along a bottle, but for the table and to be drunk at the party as opposed to as a gift for you as such. Generally the invitations in these cases state Bring a Bottle.

I think as time has gone by, and less disposable income and more eating out etc, it's more usual now for everyone to pay for themselves when out, but expecting a present from strangers/virtual strangers/people you only know online/acquaintances just because a meet up happens to happen on your birthday is very entitled! Especially as it seems like these aren't people that you would typically exchange gifts with.

No, I wouldn't expect 30 people, some of whom we're not even friends, to buy me a gift for my birthday when I wasn't even hosting. They paid for their own meal and drinks to attend, that is more than enough. You do come accross as entitled. It also looks like you organised the night out to make money - you even mention that one of the gifts has already saved tou money if I read one of your posts correctly.

I think if you have a birthday event at home then a gift/card/bottle/bag of nice crisps is to be expected. In fact I always take something when a friend invites me to their house, birthday or not, and I think that's basic manners.

But a dinner out is different, IMO. I go to dinner with friends for my birthday every year (I don't have 31 friends though! You're very popular) and they always pay for me, which is lovely and much appreciated. I'll maybe be given one present and a couple of cards. It wouldn't cross my mind to be offended by those who didn't give me anything.

If it’s a party at your house where you provided food and drinks, then yes, present or a contribution to the dinner (chocolates, wine, flowers). If all you provide is the joy of your own company and they have to pay for their meal in a restaurant and company not of their choosing, you’re bonkers to expect a present as well.

When I was your age and everyone was short of money, large birthday gatherings were as much about gathering the troops for a get-together than hosting a party. They were always self funded and pretty casual. It sounds like this is what you hosted. You can’t have so many close friends that you’d expect to pay for their dinner and also buy presents?
Back then in our 20s and early 30s, some would host a party at their homes and then people would bring wine etc.
Now parties are tiny and the host pays for everything so the presents have increased.

I look back on those days as the best of times. Do enjoy and don’t worry about the small stuff.

If we have a party, I just tell people we are having a party, I never say it’s for my birthday etc, as I don’t want them to feel obligated to bring a gift/card etc, I just want them to come and enjoy themselves tbh. Gifts isn’t something I would ever get worked up about.