To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

Very much so. Adults shouldn't expect presents at birthdays, as PP have said, the fact that they showed up and paid for their own meal is enough.

You are truly lucky to have 30+ good friends to share your birthday with op. Sod presents!

I think at your age, gifts should not be expected. They are for kids really. Do you really want 31 chocolate boxes or mugs? Or 10 bottles of wine, 10 boxes of chocolates and 10 mugs? Bc those are the types of gifts adults give I think...or perhaps candles.....problem is the good adult gifts are usually expensive....so not expected.

Did you miss the bit where the OP advertised her birthday meal as a Meet Up event?

God there’s some miserable fuckers on here!

it’s nice to have celebrations and get together. And I’d always take a card and almost always take a present. Unless I’d dropped the present in before or I had a really tenuous link to the birthday person in which case I’d still get a card, and maybe a lottery ticket or similar little thing.

We have been invited to a friend’s daughter’s ‘party’. It’s in a roped off area in a pub, there will be no food or entertainment and we are expected to buy our own drinks. We have a long train journey to get there and so will either have to eat before we leave or eat out when we arrive. We will be taking a present but will be paying much less for it as our outlay for the evening will be more than if she had a party at home.

It makes all the difference. If you host a birthday party, you should be paying for your guests and yes it would be polite for guests to bring a gift. But if you have asked people to come to a party for you, but then expected them to pay for themselves - then no, you shouldn’t expect any gifts.

Call me old fashioned but I’d expect at least chocolates or a bottle of something with a card.

I’m with you OP very thoughtless not to at least bring a card and even the smallest gift, it is though a typical reflection on society as whole, to me it’s plain good manners which unfortunately no longer seem to exist.

Their gift to you was their attendance

You come across very entitled

Please read the full thread, recent commenters! The OP advertised her birthday meal as a Meet Up event on a group with 900 members, and many of the attendees were people she’d only met once or twice, and two were complete strangers. It’s not exactly a normal birthday scenario in which normal present-giving etiquette applies..

It was lovely of so many people to turn up to celebrate with you and pay for their meal . As an adult I would not expect gifts and would be quite embarrassed that people had got anything . It would have been a nice gesture for them to split the cost of your meal but I wouldn’t have expected that either. I also don’t like people getting cards - it feels wasteful and wishing me happy birthday is enough

I went to a birthday lunch recently, I had already given the birthday person a gift as they are a good friend and I always get them a gift. We all paid for our own food and drink, with travel there and back the total cost was just under £40 which for many people is a significant amount. Just out of interest if the majority of attendees had bought you a gift how would you have managed to get it all home?

I think it's very dependent on the norm in the group concerned. for example, I had a birthday meal in a local restaurant on my 50th and some people brought presents or a card, but the majority didn't, and I didn't expect it, as within that group of people (my friends and work colleagues mixed), if it is a meal you pay for yourself, then nothing else is expected.

I had a big 50th birthday party later that year, and almost everyone brought a present and a card (even though not my actual birthday), including the people who had attended the birthday meal. Because if it's a party thrown by someone, that's what is expected.

If I was attending something from MeetUp, I'd not expect to be required to bring a present. I'd view it as extremely informal, and with the birthday as more of a 'reason/excuse' for everyone to socialise. Bit like my 50th in the restaurant was!

I'd be more annoyed at people not bringing a bottle to the Christmas Party tbh! I throw loads of parties, and whilst everyone knows I provide loads of food and drink, they always come with alcohol to sort of 'replace', what I've bought! I think when someone goes to the effort (and expense) of hosting (party, dinner party etc), bringing a bottle or present is mandatory.

Some advice OP. Between now and next birthday, concentrate on developing and maintaining a small handful of solid, close friendships with people you really like rather than all these transient connections from Facebook and Meet Up. The latter are fine if what you’re looking for is just lots of people to socialise with casually, but they aren’t going to bring you what it sounds like you want - genuine friendships with people close enough to you and who like and care enough about you to go all out for you. Strangers and internet acquaintances you’d met once or twice were never going to bring a birthday present to a huge group pay-for-self meal and it was unrealistic of you to expect it, they came for the meal and a fun time not specifically your birthday, they aren’t your friends and aren’t going to treat you as one.

Life isn’t a popularity contest, you don’t need to find 31 random people to come to your birthday meal just to make yourself look and feel more loved, it will only end up making you feel sad, as now, when it clicks that they aren’t actually your friends.

If people are paying for their own meal I wouldn't expect a gift. I would definitely expect a birthday card and would give the same in this scenario. I can't imagine how a restaurant would cope if 31 people turned up with gifts & flowers.

Bloody hell, OP, if 31 people showed up to celebrate your 27th birthday, i.e. not even a big birthday, and all paid for their own meal, you should be pretty happy with that. They sound like good friends.

How would you even carry 31 presents home?

Oh god, did you really want 31 presents!!!
I wouldn't. I wouldn't have bought a present either, I would have brought a card though. I wouldn't want my house filled up with all that clutter of presents so wouldn't think others would want it either. If I want anything, I'll just buy it myself.

If you didn't pay for the meal, its unreasonable. I would expect the birthday person to at least but a round of drinks to thank people for making the effort to attend and pay for themselves.

Yep - definitely would not expect a gift in those circumstances

Wait till you get married 😂 ......we invited 100 people to our wedding....and about 30 of them never even gave us a card nevermind a present. Personally thought it was cheeky considering we were paying £90 per head for their meal (which was alot 15 years ago).

Agree. An actual party - yes a card and a gift.

A meal or drinks where guests are paying their own way - gifts and cards totally optional.

Someone should have bought you a little notebook where you can make a list of strangers who came to your party, paid for their own meal, and didn't bring a present (which I think is perfectly fine, btw).

I can't imagine handing an adult a pack of Minstels and calling it a present.

I think these responses are weird.

I've never attended a birthday meal in a restaurant where I expected the birthday person to pay for everyone?! And I'd always bring a present, even just a bottle of wine!

Well my mother always told me that if you invite people, you should pay.

That’s not the usual way now as people are used to paying for themselves, (and it’s very expensive now compared to years ago too) but I definitely would not expect them to pay and give a gift.