To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

Maybe read the full thread. Have you ever attended a birthday meal which was also advertised as an event on on Meet Up where half of the guests don’t know one another and have only met the OP once or twice?

I guess it depends how you see it - if my friends and I meet up for someone's birthday dinner, I don't see it as a favour I'm doing that person? I see it as a fun occasion to meet with everyone, and celebrate my friend's birthday, so I'd always bring a small gift and card. I look forward to it.

I didn't realise so many people felt like it was a favour to attend a friend's birthday meal 😕

But did allthe other attendees bring presents? Some people came to your “birthday” meal and brought presents, others brought themselves and their credit cards. sounds as though maybe the same thing happened at Tom and Sylvia’s “birthday” meals.

I get the sentiment of what you are saying OP but the way you have written it comes across grabby.

In my circle, friends usually chip in or provide a nice gift for milestone birthdays. At a normal birthday we all get together for a glass of wine and usually exchange cards and token gestures (bottle of wine, chocolates, small bunch of flowers). No one turns up empty handed. However, it is also only 3-4 of us very good friends. It is very much about us getting together and enjoying each other’s company as well as the birthday.

Your post reads that you have arranged a party, specifically about you, for your birthday.
You invited 31, not your nearest and dearest!
It will have cost them money to eat, drink, travel there and back etc.
You are a 27 year old woman, not a child

Adult birthdays are normally an excuse to get together, rather than profit from them. Were you really expecting 31 bottles of wine, chocolates and bunches of flowers?

I would see a dinner for thirty people organised via a chat facility as one where the birthday was the excuse for the get together, rather than the birthday person hosting, in which case I wouldn't take a present nor feel I had to contribute.

If it was at her house, if is was a small ground of close friends, various other scenarios would all be different.

Most people don’t see it as doing a favour to attend a friend’s birthday. But most of the attendees weren’t the OP’s friends. They were people she messages with in a Facebook group chat and people who had responded to an invitation on a large internet group aimed at getting strangers together for the purpose of socialising, and some had never met the OP before. Vague acquaintances and internet group members don’t operate on the same terms as friendships, and can’t be expected to. Social media does tend to blur the lines on this, especially if somebody is already a bit lonely and eager to have a big group of friends - which it sounds is true of the OP - and there’s always the risk of hugely overestimating the quality of the relationship as a result.

If we go out for a group meal for a friends birthday then we all pay for ourselves, birthday girl will pay for herself too. This is how it has always been done in my group and we are mid 20’s. I wouldn’t bring a gift in this scenario unless it was my absolute best friend and even then I’d give it to her in a 1 2 1 situation. A couple of times we’ve grouped together for a cake and a big gift but that’s really only been for big birthdays.

If one of my friends hosts something at their house or a venue then they would get a gift from me and all of my friends would gift too. In my group I guess the unspoken rule is if you’re paying for yourself then that’s the gift. I absolutely wouldn’t expect a gift if I just invited people out for a birthday meal.

Separately to this group I have two best friends who I would meet up with one to one as they don’t know this group of friends (or each other) and I exchange birthday presents with these two and have for as long as I have known them both.

In my circle for a meal out everyone splits the bill covering birthday persons meal and drinks. That is their 'gift'. Cards perhaps but no presents. Been this was since our mid 20s and now into 40s mostly.

I would never turn up empty handed.

Birthday = card and present

Hosting meal / party = something to share and something for the host

This is the most bat shit thread I’ve read on here in a while. Let me get this straight. OP organised a meal out using some app that allows randoms to attend. Didn’t expect to pay for anyone or possibly even herself. Then expected presents because it’s a birthday? I understand she knew the majority but as an adult (stress this AN ADULT) surely it’s accepted that birthdays are not a thing in the same way and someone giving up their time (and money to pay for the meal) is a gift in itself? She states several times that a small gift like a bag of sweets is better than no gift and this alone shows they only arranged this for what they could get out of it materially. I don’t buy that this OP is the age they say they are. This is the attitude of a child and an entitled one at that.

Honestly, if I invited 30 people to a meal out with plans to go to the pub afterward, and they all brought gifts, I would be completely overwhelmed. Where am I supposed to put them, how do I carry them all with me, where do I put them in the pub? What if I travelled via public transport and had no way of getting them home?

I personally wouldn’t expect presents from adults in this situation. If they were coming to my house, I think I’d expect a card and for them to bring a bottle of wine.

I would rather not have presents. I had my 40th party and stipulated no gifts necessary. My three closest friends and my husband bought me gifts on the actual birthday though which was lovely.

Cards would be nice. But the last thing I'd want is to be carting 31 reed diffusers, boxes of ferrero rocher classic collection and a bottle of lavender gin home from the local Indian on a Saturday night if I'm honest.

People came and paid for a meal that they might not have ordinarily gone out for so I would consider that enough.
As for bringing a cheap bag of sweets that would be pretty odd unless you are under 10.
You should be grateful enough that 30 people turned up and while it might have been nice to buy you a drink you sound a bit entitled

What? I'd be annoyed if someone brought me cheap shit. Please bring nothing, attending the meal is enough. You don't need a gift. Cards are personal I guess but I also don't want them, they'll end up in the bin.

Personally I can’t think of a worse hell than having a meal with 30+ people. A small group of close friends is much better imo. And i would be really embarrassed if people turned up with gifts and cards. The day is the celebration not a whole lot of random tat that I don’t really want anyway and cards I won’t even read and will put straight in the recycling.

To not only expect random people you barely know to turn up fir your birthday and then moan that they didn’t bring gifts sounds like a self absorbed spoilt entitled teenager not a grown up.

Are you serious? They PAID to attend something that was all about you. That's their present.

Birthdays can make some people so self-absorbed.

I'm going out for my friends birthday this weekend, I won't be taking a gift, I've bought a new outfit, and paying for brunch, I'll buy her a drink at some point, and I know she won't expect gifts

Useful to who? I don’t have space for another bloody mug, that would go straight in the bin. Along with the chocolates because I hate them yet very good friends seem to not care forget and ‘gift’ them to me anyway. Bin.

if they haven’t asked for something, just stop doing it, it will make you feel better for them not doing the same

It’s different if you’re randoms though as opposed to friends.

I think you’re being a little delusional to think that 14 (31 minus your 17 ‘close’ friends) people should turn up and pay for themselves for a dinner ‘hosted’ by someone they don’t know that well and being them a gift. Surely you should have been brought up with the understanding that it’s not polite to invite lots of randoms JUST so you can get presents?

I think you sound incredibly entitled to expect people to turn up and pay for their own meal to celebrate your birthday and to expect them to bring gifts as well.

I think traditional etiquette dictates that, if you are inviting people to a birthday celebration, you should be footing the bill as the host. And if that's the case, then of course it is also traditional for the guests to bring gifts.

If you're going with the more modern way of expecting people to pay for their own meals, then I think their presence at your celebration is the gift, and you shouldn't expect anything else on top of this.

Grown adults expecting birthday gifts from their friends is a bit weird in any case imo. Fair enough if particular friends are in the habit of exchanging gifts on such occasions, but it shouldn't ever be an expectation in my view.

I'm also confused by the comments about being "brought up" to think that gifts are expected. Were you not also "brought up" with the standard etiquette that the host should pay for their guests?

Etiquette has changed on both sides of the equation. You can't be a cheap host and expect generosity from your guests.

The fact they had to pay there own meal and were happy to do it I see no issue with no gift. I did attend birthday meal and drinks recently (bought my own meal etc) but did bring a card and bottle of wine as it was a special birthday.

But the majority of the 31 "guests" were just people who the OP knew from Facebook or some app called meet up or something. They weren't what I'd call "friends".

How do you propose that the OP should have carried 31 gifts and cards from the Indian restaurant to the pub and back home?

And if it had been your birthday and you'd got 31 packets of Minstrels or maltesers or some tat from the 99p or charit shop, would you really want it?