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Original poster

Partner still paying mortgage and child maintenance which is stopping us from buying

373 replies

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 15:48

Hey there,

hoping I can get some advice or guidance- my partner and I have been together over 4 years we now have a beautiful 3 month old and we are in a rented house. My partner owns a house from a previous relationship where he has two lovely children and pays child maintenance. Thing is I want my little boy to have his own room and a house that is ours but all my partners money is tired up in the house he owns with his ex and he says he can’t sell until his two kids are 18!! But this is stopping us from getting a property which I think is so unfair - I don’t get child maintenance etc why should his ex have maintenance and a massive house???!!! I feel like I am paying for his exs lifestyle and kids - why can’t they downsize so his ex can get a solo mortgage? Any suggestions? Thank you in advance

OP posts:
gazpachosoupday · 30/07/2023 16:36

Honestly, I would buy a house on my own, apart from anything else, you would be better financially.

If he doesnt take his name off the title of his old house, you would get stung on the 2nd house tax, also you are not going to get the 1st buyer discount because he is not.

Just get a 2-3 bedroom home on your own, get it protected if you are taking him with you and then you can buy together. But dont wait around for him to sell his home

Roselilly36 · 30/07/2023 16:37

This can’t possibly be a genuine post.

anonymousxoxo · 30/07/2023 16:38

This is why you don't get involved with a man with so much baggage. You don't need to accommodate his other children and he's an idiot for agreeing to pay the mortgage until kids are 18. Stupid and spineless springs to mind.

cestlavielife · 30/07/2023 16:42

Well in 15 years if you still together and house sells you can together buy a nice property with the equity
Meantime buy a small place on your salary

bellac11 · 30/07/2023 16:42

I dont think the bloke is an idiot for committing to housing his children until they're 18.

I dont think OP needs to leave him. She just needs to make sure that she makes her own financial decisions, takes responsiblity for them and reaps the benefits of those for herself. Buy a house, dont involve him in that, get him to contribute to household bills and child costs for his youngest but thats it.

jennyjones198080 · 30/07/2023 16:48

So this man left his partner and two small children and the family home.

he past maintenance and he pays the full mortgage or 50% of the mortgage?

yours posts imply the house is 100% owned by him - is this correct?

you earn more than him and what little money has has goes to family number 1.

while I can see this is frustrating I do t see that you can force his hand. He doesn’t want to sell the family home and buy a five bedroom with you.

in your shoes I would go ahead and buy a house big enough for you and your child. All in your name. Don’t put your future on hold for a man.

he has a legal and moral obligation to support his children. All of them. You want sit in limbo for a man with three children (and who knows how many future partners and children will come along). I get that you are jealous of the home his ex has - but you aren’t subsidising it. Get your own house in order and see if he wants to sort out the house or not. If not you have your answer, you buy your own home in your name

BlastedIce · 30/07/2023 16:48

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 16:09

i earn my own money - I have a deposit for a small house but not own to accommodate a 5 person family - I want all children to have their own bedrooms…is that fair??

Seems unrealistic TBH

anonymousxoxo · 30/07/2023 16:48

bellac11 · 30/07/2023 16:42

I dont think the bloke is an idiot for committing to housing his children until they're 18.

I dont think OP needs to leave him. She just needs to make sure that she makes her own financial decisions, takes responsiblity for them and reaps the benefits of those for herself. Buy a house, dont involve him in that, get him to contribute to household bills and child costs for his youngest but thats it.

Paying child maintenance is one thing, but 100% mortgage. She's getting a free house because she had 2 kids. Everyone telling OP to work, but why can't she and pay her own mortgage or 50% even?

NoSquirrels · 30/07/2023 16:55

There’s 3 separate issues.

First is child maintenance- he must pay this, it’s non-negotiable and of course overall as a family unit that means you have less money, but you knew that before you got pregnant with a bloke with 2 DC.

Another issue is whether he’s actively still paying a mortgage on another house. If they weren’t married then yes, he probably should keep paying as this is an asset he’s responsible for. Whether he should ask his ex to buy him out or sell and she moves elsewhere is something he needs to discuss with his ex.

The last issue is whether you should buy a joint property together that can house all his children. If he won’t force a sale with his ex and can’t afford to buy because of this, then you should just buy the house you can afford for your own family e.g. 2 or 3 bed and do this in your sole name. He can pay you rent.

You should have discussed all this much earlier, really.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 30/07/2023 16:59

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 15:48

Hey there,

hoping I can get some advice or guidance- my partner and I have been together over 4 years we now have a beautiful 3 month old and we are in a rented house. My partner owns a house from a previous relationship where he has two lovely children and pays child maintenance. Thing is I want my little boy to have his own room and a house that is ours but all my partners money is tired up in the house he owns with his ex and he says he can’t sell until his two kids are 18!! But this is stopping us from getting a property which I think is so unfair - I don’t get child maintenance etc why should his ex have maintenance and a massive house???!!! I feel like I am paying for his exs lifestyle and kids - why can’t they downsize so his ex can get a solo mortgage? Any suggestions? Thank you in advance

Does he pay the full mortgage or half? Does he pay the full amount maintenance (as determined by CSA)or some maintenance on top of mortgage and it evens out?

Finally, did you know his views and wishes before you moved in together/had children?

JusthereforXmas · 30/07/2023 16:59

tescocreditcard · 30/07/2023 16:04

The ex already has a house @Readyplayerthr33 - she doesn't need to buy one.

No she doesn't... OPs husband owns a house that in a private arrangement with his non marital ex babys mother he said she could stay there.

His 2 previous relationship children shouldn't be more important than this current relationships child. Why is he only providing housing and security for 3 of his 3 kids.

SpainToday · 30/07/2023 17:00

Maybe the ex should buy her own house? You can’t just be supported by a man forever because you popped out some kids. She’ll get half the equity, and can go buy her own home and continue to receive maintenance. He’ll get half the equity and can go buy his own home and continue to pay maintenance.

That’s what happens when you split up. You don’t get to keep living in someone else’s house and have them pay the mortgage for you. Ex has to grow up.

Totally agree @Readyplayerthr33

VanGoghsDog · 30/07/2023 17:00

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 16:16

To confirm I DO NOT rely on him financially. I am the bread winner

Then what makes you think he can afford to maintain two homes, one three bedroom, one four (or five if you intend more children)? Not many people could support that. He earns less than you - could you afford that?

Missing information is who actually owns the previous house. Does he own it? Do they own it jointly? If jointly, how is it owened, what shares? How much equity is even in it?

As you and he are not married, in your shoes with your deposit and salary, I'd buy a house in my own name with no contribution from him other than towards weekly running costai, and he can worry about where his kids stay when it's his turn to have them. Why should you pay for that? And he isn't able to.

BadNomad · 30/07/2023 17:00

Does he pay all of the mortgage on the family home? The issue isn't that this is preventing you from owning a home right now, it's that it is preventing you from getting the big 4-5 bedroom house that you want. You need to adjust your expectations until you are in a better financial situation. Starting a family with a man who already has a family was always going to make things more complicated.

Canisaysomething · 30/07/2023 17:01

Your ex ditching his 1 and 4 year olds was an expensive mistake. Surely you knew he was paying for his previous family before you started to make another family with him.

FloweryName · 30/07/2023 17:01

If the man wants to do the right thing and continue to help provide a home for his children until they are 18, then you have no right to try and change that arrangement. If having a bigger home was so important to you that you think it’s worth uprooting another family then you should have ensured you had one before you had a baby.

As his older children already existed before your relationship began, the onus is on you to fit in with the situation as it is. Trying to change it for your own financial gain is selfish and immoral, even if you did have another child.

Did your partner actively want another child?

Whataretheodds · 30/07/2023 17:03

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 16:09

i earn my own money - I have a deposit for a small house but not own to accommodate a 5 person family - I want all children to have their own bedrooms…is that fair??

So buy one of the size that you can afford, in your name.

Merryoldgoat · 30/07/2023 17:03

You didn’t think to discuss this stuff before actually, you know, having a baby?

Mumof4plusbonus · 30/07/2023 17:05

Can he actually afford to house himself and 3 children or is he a ‘generous’ father only because you are subsidising him?
If it’s the latter then stop. You can’t make him sell his 1st house but you need to protect yourself and your child. Throwing rent at a house big enough to house his kids is not your job, that’s his. He needs to pay for the extra rooms and outgoings etc. You need to get a deposit and buy your own house that’s just yours.

FarEast · 30/07/2023 17:07

why should his ex have maintenance and a massive house???!!! I feel like I am paying for his exs lifestyle and kids

Are you serious? What a totally shitty attitude.

Hayliebells · 30/07/2023 17:08

This is something that should have been discussed before you had a child together. Before you had a baby, did he lead you to believe that the house he jointly owns with his ex would be sold, so you can buy somewhere? If not you can't really complain, you knew the deal.

MorganFreemansVoice · 30/07/2023 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/07/2023 17:12

Perhaps this chap is hanging on to his previous home because he thinks he might like to go back to it at some stage. It sounds like quite a cosy arrangement with the ?X? DP.

AngelAurora · 30/07/2023 17:15

You knew he had kids when you got with him. Grow up. Why should his kids downsize etc just so you can do what you want. What he does paying the mortgage on the house where his kids live, and his child Maintenance, is none of your concern.

SpainToday · 30/07/2023 17:15

Sorry if I’ve missed this but has he formally/legally agreed not to sell the former home until the children are 18, or is it an arrangement he can get out of?

Obviously he should have to pay maintenance for the ‘first family’ children, irrespective of housing arrangements but surely it would be fair/normal to sell the former home and agree how to split the proceeds?