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Original poster

Partner still paying mortgage and child maintenance which is stopping us from buying

373 replies

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 15:48

Hey there,

hoping I can get some advice or guidance- my partner and I have been together over 4 years we now have a beautiful 3 month old and we are in a rented house. My partner owns a house from a previous relationship where he has two lovely children and pays child maintenance. Thing is I want my little boy to have his own room and a house that is ours but all my partners money is tired up in the house he owns with his ex and he says he can’t sell until his two kids are 18!! But this is stopping us from getting a property which I think is so unfair - I don’t get child maintenance etc why should his ex have maintenance and a massive house???!!! I feel like I am paying for his exs lifestyle and kids - why can’t they downsize so his ex can get a solo mortgage? Any suggestions? Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 16:16

To confirm I DO NOT rely on him financially. I am the bread winner

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 30/07/2023 16:17

His financial obligations were known when the two of you decided to have a child. Reducing his support for his existing children, be it direct maintenance or housing might be legal, but it would be immoral. Standing firm on this makes him one of the good guys.

He needs to provide for his new child as well, but he doesn’t have to buy a house. There is nothing wrong with renting.

tescocreditcard · 30/07/2023 16:17

He's really landed on his feet with you then hasn't he?

Where was he living when you met him?

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 30/07/2023 16:18

@Mammacool84

Does the ex girlfriend actually own 50% of the house?

Does the ex girlfriend pay any of the mortgage?

TomatoSandwiches · 30/07/2023 16:18

It's not about fairness it's about living within your means.
Your partner has made a commitment to his first two children, if he doesn't want to break that then that's his prerogative.
I suggest you do the same for your baby, buy your own home and make sure hus father has no claim on it.

popgoesthecat2 · 30/07/2023 16:21

Mumsnet is a weird place sometimes.

If the ex came on here and posted this, I wonder what the replies would be:

Me and my ex partner split up 5 years ago just after the birth of our second child. Since then, we have had a private agreement that he pays me child maintenance, and he has continued to pay the mortgage on our jointly owned home, which I live in with our two children.

He now has another child with another woman and they are privately renting. But he now says they want to buy a house, and he can't afford to do this without selling the home we jointly own.

AIBU to think he can't do this, and should continue to pay the mortgage on our house until our youngest is 18?

RedHelenB · 30/07/2023 16:21

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 16:16

To confirm I DO NOT rely on him financially. I am the bread winner

So where does the money for the mortgage amd maintenance come from then?

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/07/2023 16:22

I don’t get child maintenance etc why should his ex have maintenance

Unless your partner is contributing zero, in which case you have bigger problems then this is a ridiculous statement

The children from relationship 1 get finacial support from both their mum and dad.

The children from relationship 2 get financial support from both their mum and dad.

One may be called child maintenence and one may be called household income but its essentially the same thing.

UndercoverCop · 30/07/2023 16:22

So he left his ex with a one year old and a 4 year old and was with you less than a year later, or maybe there was overlap.
He didn't marry the first mother of his children and you've seen how he treated her, why on earth have you mirrored her choices?
At least he isn't trying to take the family home from under his two children, that's something at least . You don't seem to realise that all 3 of his children are the same to him, he wants them all to have a home, the first two already lose out on having their dad around most of the time. But a small house yourself and accommodate yourself and your child, if history repeats itself you've got mine months until he's on his toes.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/07/2023 16:24

UndercoverCop · 30/07/2023 16:22

So he left his ex with a one year old and a 4 year old and was with you less than a year later, or maybe there was overlap.
He didn't marry the first mother of his children and you've seen how he treated her, why on earth have you mirrored her choices?
At least he isn't trying to take the family home from under his two children, that's something at least . You don't seem to realise that all 3 of his children are the same to him, he wants them all to have a home, the first two already lose out on having their dad around most of the time. But a small house yourself and accommodate yourself and your child, if history repeats itself you've got mine months until he's on his toes.

Yes, I was going to say, judging by your boyfirends past he's probably got his next prospect lined up already.

ChiPawPrint · 30/07/2023 16:24

@UndercoverCop Treated her how? I haven't read anywhere that he treated his ex badly or that he was the one who left.

Oliotya · 30/07/2023 16:25

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 16:16

To confirm I DO NOT rely on him financially. I am the bread winner

Then buy yourself the biggest place you can afford. It's not really realistic to go right into a 4 bed. Small kids can share rooms.

LittleOwl153 · 30/07/2023 16:25

OK, if your the breadwinner and you are housing him too as he cannot afford to pay his way due to his other children then i think you have to look after your own child - if there isn't enough to house his kids and he can't contribute then thats life.

I'd make very sure that your partner doesn't have any claim in your house though if he's not paying fully towards it.

FourTeaFallOut · 30/07/2023 16:27

Obligations and legalities aside, it makes no sense that you think you'd be doing his kids a favour by dissolving their permanent home so that they could have their own room with you when they visit.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 30/07/2023 16:27

popgoesthecat2 · 30/07/2023 16:21

Mumsnet is a weird place sometimes.

If the ex came on here and posted this, I wonder what the replies would be:

Me and my ex partner split up 5 years ago just after the birth of our second child. Since then, we have had a private agreement that he pays me child maintenance, and he has continued to pay the mortgage on our jointly owned home, which I live in with our two children.

He now has another child with another woman and they are privately renting. But he now says they want to buy a house, and he can't afford to do this without selling the home we jointly own.

AIBU to think he can't do this, and should continue to pay the mortgage on our house until our youngest is 18?

Exactly this. She gets mortgage or maintenance. Not both.

Only on MN would people act like this is normal to do for 15 years.

Hoppinggreen · 30/07/2023 16:28

Unless he sprung the ex, his kids and the mortgage on you the day after your wedding then YABU

Yonderway · 30/07/2023 16:28

popgoesthecat2 · 30/07/2023 16:21

Mumsnet is a weird place sometimes.

If the ex came on here and posted this, I wonder what the replies would be:

Me and my ex partner split up 5 years ago just after the birth of our second child. Since then, we have had a private agreement that he pays me child maintenance, and he has continued to pay the mortgage on our jointly owned home, which I live in with our two children.

He now has another child with another woman and they are privately renting. But he now says they want to buy a house, and he can't afford to do this without selling the home we jointly own.

AIBU to think he can't do this, and should continue to pay the mortgage on our house until our youngest is 18?

I think my response would be the same.
He has a responsibility to his first two children. They shouldn't suffer just because he left them. He isn't supporting his ex partner hebus supporting his children.

Harrythehappypig · 30/07/2023 16:29

Presumably the other kids primary home is with their mother and they spend more of their time there? It doesn’t sound like it would be in their interest to have to live in a smaller house most of the time (where they might no longer have their own rooms) so they could have their own room for the few days they are staying with their dad.

bellac11 · 30/07/2023 16:29

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 16:16

To confirm I DO NOT rely on him financially. I am the bread winner

Ok, so take control, buy a houseflat on your own with your deposit and your income. If you can stretch to 2 beds thats great but for now yoru child can be in with you.

UndercoverCop · 30/07/2023 16:29

@ChiPawPrint from OPs follow up "he feels guilty that he left"

my reference to treating her/ex badly was walking out on your partner when you have a baby and a 4 year old together and moving on with someone else straight away (OP says they've been together over 4 years and he has a 5 year old that's not much of a gap if any). I can guarantee ExP doesn't think he behaved brilliantly.

Livinghappy · 30/07/2023 16:30

Op, if you can afford it, definitely buy your own place. You are not married and with a man who has walked out on one family. He could do it again. Where would that leave you?

Your partner is choosing a life that works for him...waiting 13 years isn't good for you as assume you would rent for all of those years, whereas he would have 50% of an appreciating asset.

As a mum you need to look after yourself and baby financially. If you buy a house then you have choices,to live in it separately or with your partner. Buy as big as you can but you are NOT ultimately responsible for housing his 2 children.

Please, please don't waste years be8ng passive whilst there is financial unbalance.

JudgeRudy · 30/07/2023 16:31

Gosh OP you're getting a hard time here. I see where you're coming from. It's like he's prioritising one family over another. Your child and you have nothing. His ex partner and her children have a (much better) house to live in which theyll eventually get a lump sum from...you have a rented home thats not half as nice as theirs. Doesn't seem fair to me.
I'm surprised you didn't discuss this before you had your child.

ChiPawPrint · 30/07/2023 16:32

UndercoverCop · 30/07/2023 16:29

@ChiPawPrint from OPs follow up "he feels guilty that he left"

my reference to treating her/ex badly was walking out on your partner when you have a baby and a 4 year old together and moving on with someone else straight away (OP says they've been together over 4 years and he has a 5 year old that's not much of a gap if any). I can guarantee ExP doesn't think he behaved brilliantly.

My apologies, I missed that sentence where it said he left. We don't know why though.

Additionally, moving on to a new partner doesn't make someone a bad person nor does it mean they treated the ex badly. We don't know all the circumstances.

I think OPs partner should get legal advice regarding his options.

bellac11 · 30/07/2023 16:32

popgoesthecat2 · 30/07/2023 16:21

Mumsnet is a weird place sometimes.

If the ex came on here and posted this, I wonder what the replies would be:

Me and my ex partner split up 5 years ago just after the birth of our second child. Since then, we have had a private agreement that he pays me child maintenance, and he has continued to pay the mortgage on our jointly owned home, which I live in with our two children.

He now has another child with another woman and they are privately renting. But he now says they want to buy a house, and he can't afford to do this without selling the home we jointly own.

AIBU to think he can't do this, and should continue to pay the mortgage on our house until our youngest is 18?

He hasnt said he wants to sell though has he?

Thats the OPs complaint, that he has said that he expects to maintain the house until the kids are 18.

Hes more than able, and there would be nothing wrong with it, for him to want to sell his previous house but he doesnt want to do that

ArcticSkewer · 30/07/2023 16:32

If he chose to father three children then he was going to suffer financially for that choice. It's expensive!

You've only got one child and a partner with poor prospects who has 3 kids to support. Your life is unlikely to include a nice four bed house. Maybe ditch the partner, get a better paid job and get the house yourself as he doesn't sound capable of supporting you