Partner still paying mortgage and child maintenance which is stopping us from buying

[Mammacool84]

Hey there,

hoping I can get some advice or guidance- my partner and I have been together over 4 years we now have a beautiful 3 month old and we are in a rented house. My partner owns a house from a previous relationship where he has two lovely children and pays child maintenance. Thing is I want my little boy to have his own room and a house that is ours but all my partners money is tired up in the house he owns with his ex and he says he can’t sell until his two kids are 18!! But this is stopping us from getting a property which I think is so unfair - I don’t get child maintenance etc why should his ex have maintenance and a massive house???!!! I feel like I am paying for his exs lifestyle and kids - why can’t they downsize so his ex can get a solo mortgage? Any suggestions? Thank you in advance

OP, did you not ask him about his financial commitments towards his existing children before deciding to have a child with him? Or did he lie to you about this?

I understand your frustration if he lied to you about his financial situation. I would be furious and I would be questioning the relationship.

If you didn't ask, that's on you - I presume you knew that he already had children and that he would have obligations towards them?

Or was it that you did know but thought you could persuade him to change his mind. If that's the case, then yabvu - why should his older children suffer because you have decided to have a baby?

You knew about his existing children, his previous partner and his financial commitments when you chose to have a child with him yourself.

You're being unfair in demanding things now change.

You need to have a serious chat with him about the long term and what he plans for you as a family. It simply not good enough that you and your child get a raw deal if this is not a legally binding agreement. His circumstances have changed, he has a new family - this needs to be accommodated into his arrangement with his ex.

With his wife and kids, probably.

I would just get a 3 bed if you can afford it on your own and draw up a contract that he won’t have a claim on the house. He’s choosing how to house his kids with his ex and you’re under no obligation to house them to the same standard… or at all if he isn’t contributing. But I get you care about them and have been in their lives for as long as they can remember.

As for pure practicalities, has he severed the joint tenancy on the property? If he dies, his 50% of the house will go to his ex unless they’re tenants in common. And does he have insurance on the debt? Who would is beneficiary on this? It needs to be the person, who will pay off the debt.

I really hope he actually contributes to the household. This isn’t the first set up, where the man is giving all of his money to his ex and their former home. Have you posted before?

If he and the ex own the house together, it is going to be extremely difficult to force her to sell. Courts don’t look kindly on chucking kids out.

Honestly OP, I think you’re a) being a bit unreasonable and b) unfortunately came across as very entitled in your OP (she gets child maintenance why don’t I?). It’s perfectly reasonable for a father to contribute above the paltry child maintenance calculator, including to a mortgage. I’ve known more than one family agree this. Agreeing it for 13 years is less common. If he pulled out of this arrangement entirely then would his ex be able to buy a 3 bedroom house on her own? And expecting your first house to be 4 bedrooms is unrealistic. I think you need to start again on your thinking here.

it would be unfair for you to then change your mind and demand that two small children sell their family home and move into a much smaller home

Well to be fair to the OP - her DP and his ex created the conditions for this to potentially happen when they split up.

It's only because he's made the bizarre decision to keep paying half the mortgage that the kids are able to stay in that house. If he wasn't in a position to, they would have to move out and downsize whether OP was in the picture or not.

Yes he has an asset quietly appreciating in the background that OP cannot benefit from. But that also means his third child with OP cannot benefit from it either, which is a bit shit IMO.

I think, in the spirit of 'all children should be treated equal', he should try and make sure that, as the parent of all the children involved, he should treat them equally. Not keep two in 'the big house' and one in a cramped rented flat.

TBH he shouldn't have even entertained having a third child with a new partner until he was able to do that.

OP also needs to take some responsibility for having four years to see how this situation was set up and then somehow be surprised that it's not changing just because she had a baby. The time for all these kinds of conversations was before getting pregnant.

@Mammacool84 You should take all the comments here on board.

Your dp is happy with the arrangement. You also might not know all the ins-and-outs of it.
Your dp was happy to have children with two women, marrying neither. Leaving one very soon after the birth of one child. And moving on very quickly indeed.

what you need to do is buy the house you can afford. In your name only. Protect your asset. Do not fund his choices. Protect your career and pension. Do not go part time.

did you give your baby your surname or his?

how soon were you together before you moved in together

He left his kids for you, the baby was only little, that's what kind of man your partner is, disgraceful behaviour.

You knew the set up whe you entered this relationship. Why should this other woman have to downsize. Its not her fault you came along and got pregnant.

I wouldn’t be happy either. I’d want the house sold and he should be able to get his 50%.

I also wouldn’t of had a kid with someone though that was in that arrangement and happy for any future kids to go without a stable house because of it.

Tbf there aren't a lot of people that buy a 5 bed as first time buyers (you) or even second time (him).

They have enough for a stable house, but OP wants a 4 bedroom house.

Can I ask what happens after the kids turn 18, will she and the kids have to move out and then he will get the house or will it be sold?

My parents had a similar agreement when they separated. My Dad was paid a % (nowhere near 50%) when he moved out and then had to wait until my youngest sibling was 18 / or when my mum cohabited with someone else for the remainder of his equity.

He was a much higher earner than my mum though and worked long hours so it meant my mum was able to keep our childhood home going and we didn't go through any more upheaval.

As it happened my stepdad moved in when my younger sibling was about 13 so he didn't have to wait as long as he would have. There were no more children though so less complicated.

Is there enough equity that 50% would be enough for his ex to get somewhere suitable for her and the kids as well? If I were him I'd be very uncomfortable reneging if it meant forcing her to move somewhere unsuitable that might have a negative impact on the children. It sounds like you have somewhere to live and presumably knew about his obligations when you got together? You haven't had the rug pulled from under you in the same sense as she would have.

Either way I think talking to her and working out all the facts/costs would be a good idea.

Since when has taking responsibility for the children you fathered been spineless?

That’s what happens when you split up. You don’t get to keep living in someone else’s house and have them pay the mortgage for you. Ex has to grow up

The ex has to grow up? Based on what information exactly? It is the OP stomping her feet and demanding something bigger than she can afford?

In reality, it is difficult to know who is at fault as there is so little information. OP must have known of her partner's agreement with his ex as she has been with him a while. She has also stated she doesn't see why the ex should get maintenance as she doesn't get it. That's a pretty shit attitude to have. She has gone in with her eyes open - the children haven't been a secret. They are a lifetime ommitment. It reads to me like she just wants to have what the ex has - putting material status above her relationship.

We know nothing of the ex - her income, ability to get a mortgage for a 2 bed locally, the portability of her job and therefore ability to move away, whether she is able to work full time - her own health, disability or that of one of the children could be problematic, for example. OP has stated that the house is owned with the ex therefore she is not living in his house as you state.

OP would be well advised to secure her own financial future given the failure statistics of second relationships/marriages. By all means discuss the bigger picture with her partner but asking him to go back on an agreement he made, seemingly with her knowledge, is opening a can of worms that might never go back in that can. She needs to just take stock and thing both from a long term and a personal independence point of view.

The mother can take responsibility too and pay 50%

OP you haven’t answered - is he paying maintenance and has equity locked up in their family home, or is he also paying the mortgage there?

If his exe can’t afford to pay the mortgage on her own, and wouldn’t get a mortgage on her own for an adequately sized property in the area the kids attend school it’s admirable he’s helping his kids stay there. A new baby, parents separating etc is a lot of change - having to move school if she can’t stay there would be horrible for them.

Wanting a four bed house is unrealistic. Even if he forces ex into a sale. Because he has maintainence to pay.

You aren't married are you?

You are in a vulnerable position to his bullshit. If he is prioritising the ex, there is an issue. Plus it doesn't make financial sense to him or you.

The private arrangement is no longer workable with his ex now there is another child though.

If he doesn't grasp this, you should be seriously considering the relationship.

Op hasn't said her boyfriend pays the while mortgage, entirely reasonable to assume the ex pays a percentage if it and also works.

They have enough for a stable house, but OP wants a 4 bedroom house

It's not that stable if they rent and he owns a whole other house that his 'first family' live in.

I agree that it doesn't say great things about him that he's happy for any future children of his not to have the same stability.

I also wouldn't have settled for such a shit arrangement for my own potential child. OP I'm wondering you thought would be different or why it would be different? Did he tell you you'd buy a house together or did you just assume that a man who left his one year old child to move in immediately with you would step up and do the decent thing?

I'm guessing he agreed to the mad mortgage payment arrangement out of guilt because it was an affair?

Percentage works, everything should be 50/50%. I don't agree with him paying the full mortgage.

He can sell anytime.

My former sil is convinced it’s THE LAW that men you have kids with are legally obligated to pay your mortgage till the kid turns 18. Despite the fact her ex forced a sale on their house 🙄 and hadn’t paid the mortgage for years.

She is, isn’t she? She’s taking more than 50% of the responsibility for looking after them. She may well be paying 50% of the mortgage and all the other expenses that go with raising children. This is the kind of shit that gives stepmothers a bad name.