Living separately relationships

[crazylady121]

I have a good ,solid relationship but due to circumstances we cannot live together.I spend at least 4 days at my partner's place per week.Do any of you have similar circumstances and how do you make it work.Both families get on but just can't make that commitment.We've been together two years.

All of that sounds concerning, like he wants you to be his "support human" and fix his life: provide a cheap home, provide a social life for him etc. It sounds very needy and stifling. Needing to start every day together?! I'm getting the ick just reading that. 🤣🫣 Sorry!!

It's only been two years of dating, he already knows your family, now he's demanding to move in! That's SO fast. Like he's trying to push himself into every aspect of your life even though you're already seeing him four times per week. I think it's a bit nuts tbh even if you didn't have your DD's issues to think of that you are rightly prioritising.

I'd be very wary of someone ignoring boundaries like this, when you've clearly said "no" and explained why and yet he is still trying to pressure you. Wanting you to ignore your DD's needs, that's really bad and doesn't show good character traits. And that he is someone who seems to be trying to use your relationship as a way to save himself money. 😒

For me, this would all set off alarm bells and I'd tell him to back right off: you've discussed it, you've said "no", so his choices are to accept that or end the relationship. That you won't listen to any more guilt tripping etc on the topic. I can't believe this has been going on for months on end, him going on and on about it. That's not on, it's like he's trying to wear you down?

If he wants more quality time with you, what is he doing about that? Has he arranged a holiday, a weekend away? Where he can "wake up with your every day"?

It all just seems focused on him wanting to move into your house so he can cut his expenses tbh. Well done for standing your ground.

It's good to have other's opinions .I had no hang ups at all with our relationship until all this started.Thank you all 😊

@ScruffyGiraffes you are absolutely right

I think living apart is the way to go. I wonder if I can persuade my DH 🤔

As you probably gathered,today is my man free day.Saturday I will go back with a feisty attitude after talking to you lot 😂😂

@ScruffyGiraffes the living together started after 1 year,our first 4 months was FaceTime relationship because of lockdown.I've prob put him across wrongly on here.Very caring and thoughtful guy but makes it quite clear an all or nothing type of personality.For some reason some people my age 56 think you need to rush in as time running out,I live for today and am not going to rush into anything until I'm ready .He does do nice things and we get along great ,i do see a future but he may have to be patient.

My partners lease finishes in January.He is saying that he can't afford to stay there.May have to move hour and half away for cheaper property.Can't move in with me as needs office space for working from home.I could do a council swap for more suitable property but my daughter really doesn't want to move.I suggested building office in back garden but he says that would cost and he is trying to cut down debt not increase it .More and more making me feel that I'm being backed into a corner.Think it's a lot to put on me.I don't want us to split but I'm running out of solutions.

Please see him for what he is.

He has no respect for you or your decision on this.

You don’t want to live with him.
Your daughter doesn’t want to live with him.
You don’t want to move.
Your daughter doesn’t want to move.
You’d be mad to risk the security of your tenancy.

vs

He wants it and it would be cheaper for him…

@crazylady121 he's emotionally blackmailing you. Do NOT move in with this man. The more you write the more clear it is what a disaster it would be.

He is an adult, he needs to fix his own housing issues. And he's gone from "I want to live together sometime" into pressuring you to do it in less than a year. At least based on this latest conversation he's now made his motivations explicit, and depressingly they are exactly as predicted: it's all about saving him money, not all that guff he made up about "wanting to start and end every day with you".

You said no. Why is he even bringing it up again? It's unacceptable to pressure somebody like this.

Tbh the fact he's still going on about it despite the fact you've said it won't work for your DD would be enough for me to end it.

May have to move 1.5 hours away for cheaper property...

Oh well if needs must!

OP whatever you do, do not swap your house or give up your tenancy. For you and your daughter's sake.

I made definite decision I will not be moving.My daughter is starting to go out a little more and talking about future,so that is a big step forward.My partner is now asking how we can make it work if he moves in with me and my daughter.I have a small two bed parlour house.They get on ok but living under same roof may cause problems.I don't want my daughter to feel uncomfortable in her own home.Her mental health is priority.If we talk about living together,she just changes subject.I do want a future with this man as no problem apart from this living together situation.

He is still pestering you!
So now he has accepted you wonbe moving he is angling to get into your home you share with your daughter.
She is making progress, I think it would ruin all that progress she has made if he moved in.
He is an adult, he needs to sort his own housing out by himself, you aren't his wife, you don't owe him a place to stay op.

Tbh I would have ended this a while ago, he keeps going on about moving in with you but only he would benefit, he isn't respecting you or your boundaries, it would be a huge mistake to move him in, you would struggle to get him out ever again if things went wrong.

Don’t let him into your daughters home. You need to put your foot down.

My daughter will always come first.This was stated from the start of our relationship.I'm now beginning to think was this the aim from the start,everything was great until this all started.Now living together is highlight of conversation.I don't think 2 1/2 years is long time anyhow.I'm not in a rush .

If you’re looking for support in your decision not to live with him, please take it from here. As you say, your daughter comes first. Lots of relationships have a distance involved and 1.5 hours really isn’t that much. If teenagers at uni can survive long distance, two mature adults can definitely negotiate an hour and a half.

m you say the relationship is good apart from this issue, but his persistent pestering and self interest really debts that ‘good’ factor. It’s a bit like saying ‘it’s good apart from his compulsive gambling’ or ‘it’s good apart from his cheating’. It’s good apart from his pestering and disrespect of your decision and your daughters happiness.

Dents! Not debts.

This week we have had a good talk about everything.Both letting out our frustrations and feelings.Going to carry on as we are for another year then re assess the situation.A lot can change in a year positive or negative so I'm happy with that.It probably has come across wrongly on messages.I do want a future with this man but my circumstances are not straight forward with my daughters mental health to consider.He is very understanding of my situation but wants to move forward quicker than I do.Timing has to be right for all of us.

So to those of you who kindly gave your advice,I gave my 100% to the relationship even though considering my daughter and situation.Today my partner has finished the relationship as the stress of not going anywhere is effecting his mental health and making him ill.I have no more to say,I'm absolutely done with it.

I think in the long run he’s done you a favour - he always wanted more than you had to give and he wanted you to sacrifice yourself and your daughter for his wishes.

Please try and retain that done feeling as I’d put good money on him coming back again.

And don’t be overly surprised if there’s a big health drama soon - that’s very often the way with manipulative people.

@crazylady121 I hope you are ok. Well done for standing your ground. Even this way he ended it sounds like emotional blackmail: trying to blame you, make you feel guilty, how dare you prioritise yourself and DD and not be pressured to move in with him for his convenience? Nope. "Progressing the relationship"? That would be about how you care for each other, commitment and love isn't about cohabiting. You have done the right thing to stand up to him, and he has just proved that you have dodged a bullet here.

He makes it quite clear an all or nothing type of personality

I just read this and wanted to highlight this as a red flag; it's another way of saying "it's my way or the highway"!

I think you've done well to get him on his way. Sorry you have to go through a break up, that's rough, but he doesn't sound like a keeper.

He's finished the relationship with the woman he was so desperate to start and end each day with, and he's gone from not wanting a part time relationship, to not wanting any relationship at all?

Rubbish OP. He wanted an easy ride, he wanted his socks washed and his bills halved and his dinner made and you rightly refused to facilitate him. Well done, you have my admiration, stick to your guns.

@GoldDuster is right. If he was so desperate to be with you every single morning and night 😏 why would he choose none at all over some?

Because he wants to live with you to save him rent, and have you do his housework etc. For me it was the fact you'd explained to him the detrimental impact this would have on your DD and yet him still keeping on pushing you about it that showed his true colours: her needs, your needs (including putting your daughter above him as any decent parent would!!) was unacceptable to him.

Not a nice man.

I know you must be hurting but honestly think in time you'll be glad this is over. He wasn't going to stop pressuring you until he got his way, no matter that it wasn't what you wanted and you'd said so. His needs mattered, yours did not. That would then have continued in every aspect of your relationship, with you trapped living with him.

I actually would not be remotely surprised if this is yet another manipulation tactic and he thinks you'll go crawling back. Don't. And wouldn't be surprised that if you don't, in a few weeks he'll try to weasel his way back in with you and offer a fake apology. After months and months of trying to bully you into doing what he wanted.

Stand firm. You've done the right thing.

It was "affecting his mental health".

Not like him bullying you for months to try to make you move in with him when you'd said you don't want to and explained why, then. I'm sure that had no impact on your mental health AT ALL.

The audacity of it! Such blatant gaslighting.

Honestly, he really isn't a good person and is still trying to make you feel responsible even now for his decisions and behaviour.

Don't tolerate any more. You deserve better.