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Living separately relationships

84 replies

crazylady121 · 02/03/2023 13:20

I have a good ,solid relationship but due to circumstances we cannot live together.I spend at least 4 days at my partner's place per week.Do any of you have similar circumstances and how do you make it work.Both families get on but just can't make that commitment.We've been together two years.

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SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 02/03/2023 13:50

More and more people do this through choice and it can work really well. Far less disruption for children and much less risk, should you break up somewhere down the line, protect your finances and independence and your children's stability. It's hard to see much argument for moving in, tbh! Especially when you look at the research: hardly any children actually enjoy living in a "blended family" and would prefer not to and have better outcomes when this is avoided.

And even if you were to do it, two years in is far, far too early. Your children presumably haven't known your partner or the other children very long at all if you have only been together for two years then made sure you didn't introduce them for a year or more and then only gradually. To suddenly be expected to live with people you barely know would be awful, even if they "get on".

What's wrong with the current setup? Do you really need to stay over there so often? That does sound very disruptive and unnecessary.

TurnipSurprise · 02/03/2023 14:03

We live apart, we are getting married later this year but won't live together until summer 2024 at the earliest.

He doesn't have children to consider, I do. We can have some privacy round at his place. I'm in no rush to change things.

crazylady121 · 02/03/2023 15:04

Thank you for responding.I think it works at the moment,financially better atm too.My partner doesn't stay mine as easier to stay his,he has no children living with him.I don't think we should throw away something good for the sake of living apart .

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SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 02/03/2023 16:59

But why would you have to throw it away? There's no rule that you have to live with your partner. It doesn't make your relationship any less valid. If your chidren are happy as they are and you are fine financially, why would you want to risk changing this? When you see him very regularly anyway?

TurnipSurprise · 02/03/2023 19:31

I think lots of relationships would work better if people had their own space. I am certainly in no rush to change things.

crazylady121 · 03/03/2023 11:02

It's my partner that has more of an issue with it.We spend a lot of time together,I don't see the hurry.He doesn't want to live separately forever but it's only been two years,we are in our 50s.I can't have him live with me,my daughter of 20 suffers with severe social anxiety .

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crazylady121 · 14/03/2023 00:02

We have had lots of discussions about our living arrangements in the last week.My partner gets very upset and says he doesn't want a part time relationship,he wants us to be together properly.He rents on own,I'm council with daughter.Do you think I'm being put under unreasonable pressure.We get on well as we are .This is causing me stress,I can't change my situation.

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ScruffyGiraffes · 14/03/2023 09:32

Why is he so desperate to live with you? If you spend a lot of time together anyway, why does it matter? What reasons has he given in these conversations, in what way would it be better in his opinion?

It's disingenuous to call it a "part time relationship" or say you are not "together properly" just because you don't live together! This sounds emotionally manipulative. He shiukd not be pressuring you. You have said "no" and he should respect that whatever your reason.

The fact he's pressuring you about this, and so early on in the relationship, and even knowjng that it would be unsuitable for your daughter, is a red flag. Why does he think his wants trump her needs? Tbh I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/03/2023 09:36

The thing is that it can work, but it has to work for both parties.

which in your case it doesn’t sound like it is.

He’s entitled to say that it’s not something he wants to do long term. If you do and he doesn’t then it’s simply that you’re not compatible. That lots of people do it doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for a specific person.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/03/2023 09:47

You already spend lots of time together, there is no need to live together really, especially if your daughter would react very badly, he has no genuine reason for pushing this, infact I would consider ending it if he kept on.
Is he wanting to move into yours by any chance?

TessoftheDubonnet · 14/03/2023 09:55

Do I understand correctly - he is renting privately and you rent a council property ?

Is he wanting to move in with you and become part of the tenancy?

Niceviewtowaketo · 14/03/2023 09:55

My partner and I have just started living together after 6 years of dating and having our own homes. When we met my son was 13 and settled in school, partner has no kids. Partner lived in a different borough. We always knew we’d live together, it was just a case of waiting till the time revealed itself as being right. That came about as my son is now 19, own car etc, independence etc (though he lives with us) and losing my dad in October which reinforced that life is indeed short. I’d got fed up of the back and forth between houses and wanted proper family life again. We’d be lying if we said the cost of living crisis wasn’t another factor. I sold and moved to him as it was the better option for various reasons. We’re still adjusting but it was the right move at the right time.

LarryStylinson · 14/03/2023 09:58

Don't give up your council tenancy to join him in a private rent! That would be mad!

TurnipSurprise · 14/03/2023 10:03

Sounds like he is more interested in getting rid of a hefty rent bill and joining you in a reasonably priced council property.

Its not about being a proper family and more about saving himself money, I would bet my last pound on it!

Niceviewtowaketo · 14/03/2023 10:04

Just read all your posts OP, if your daughter is to remain living with you long term then I don’t see that living together will work for you. I understand the part time relationship issue, the to and fro wears you down but if your partner is aware of the issue you’re daughter would have but is pushing for this then you’re not compatible.

I would never have cohabited if it hadn’t been the right decision for my son at that time. Where I did put my needs first was on location which is slightly less convenient for my son than if partner had moved to where we lived. But as a 19yo with a good job and a car, local friends and transport links, not paying rent (to save) and looking to move away for professional training at some point, I felt it wasn’t a bad decision for him.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/03/2023 10:08

Moving in together will only benefit him, don't do it, keep your council property for and your daughter.

FellPuck · 14/03/2023 10:13

Moving in together seems to be often be the beginning of the end for many couples, it breeds over-familiarity which isn't great for romantic or sexual relationships. I think far more relationships would be healthier and happier with some distance involved.

It sounds like the current set-up works well for you, so don't let him force you into anything.

ScruffyGiraffes · 14/03/2023 11:52

Sounds like he is more interested in getting rid of a hefty rent bill and joining you in a reasonably priced council property.

God, yes. Didn't even think of that. If all of this emotional blackmail is actually about him trying to use your relationship to save money... yuk.

Keep your financial independence and own home OP. Put yourself and your daughter first. He sounds very manipulative and it sounds likely may have ulterior motives - pretending this is about your relationship when it's actually about money, and wanting to prioritise his finances over your security and your daughter's wellbeing!! - tbh I would tell him it's not going to happen, the end. And if he won't drop it I'd end the relationship.

crazylady121 · 14/03/2023 13:15

Thank you for your opinions.I don't want to end things as we are good together.If it were to happen I would live with him.Financially I would be personally worse off. I have fibromyalgia so can't work.Although he says he would make sure I was ok financially if anything happened to him.He's prepared to sort things legally through solicitors but doesn't want to marry.He has always said my daughter is priority.I feel I'm sacrificing a lot.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 14/03/2023 13:33

crazylady121 · 14/03/2023 13:15

Thank you for your opinions.I don't want to end things as we are good together.If it were to happen I would live with him.Financially I would be personally worse off. I have fibromyalgia so can't work.Although he says he would make sure I was ok financially if anything happened to him.He's prepared to sort things legally through solicitors but doesn't want to marry.He has always said my daughter is priority.I feel I'm sacrificing a lot.

So he doesn't want to marry you ( which would give you some protection ) wants you to move in with him into his house, to share the rent? Pay some of his bills? Cook and clean for him?
Then tells you your daughter is a priority but keeps pressuring you into a move that would put you and her in a worse position, so lying basically.
Don't ever make a move that leaves you worse off for any man.
He is being selfish and trying to bully you into what's best for him and put yourself at risk.
No one with any sense would ever give up their council property for what he has offered you, no one.

ScruffyGiraffes · 14/03/2023 15:05

How is your daughter a priority when he's pressuring you to do something that will be damaging for her?

And it would make you worse off financially.

And potentially put your and her future security at risk?

But then says he doesn't want to marry you. 🤣🤣 Not that I can understand why you'd want to marry him, but what was his reason for this?! Answer presumably is that might benefit you financially at some point, whereas all of his "plans" are about what will benefit him financially at your expense. He sounds like a parasite.

OP seriously, wake up!

Not only is he not respecting your wishes and showing his utter selfishness in that his wants and convenience come above your security and your daughter's wellbeing, but he's making you feel guilty about this and pressuring you even though you've said "no" already. And only two measly years into the relationship which is way too soon to move in together, anyway, if you're being sensible. You still barely know him, aside from the financial disadvantage to you and the impact on your DD if you were to do so.

Of course your answer is no. Presumably he knows about your DD if he spends so much time at your house (which must be hard enough for DD already), so why is he even suggesting this at all?

The only person who would benefit from this is him. That's why.

And probably because you're unwell he thinks you'll be weak and give in and feel like you should be "grateful" to have him around and will put his wants above your and DDs needs. Just no.

Tell him one final time "my answer is no, living together will not work for me". If he still doesn't respect that and drop the conversation then bin him. Although tbh you should be doing that right now anyway.

ScruffyGiraffes · 14/03/2023 15:07

Sorry, in that last post I'd completely missed that - even worse - he's wanting you to give up your secure Council house and move with him into privately rented accommodation.

You'd have to be completely mad to even contemplate that.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/03/2023 16:01

It would be the dream relationship for me

arethereanyleftatall · 14/03/2023 16:05

Sorry. I did that awful thing of only reading the first few replies. I should have listened better.

Anyway. Don't let him emotionally manipulate you. It is not a part time relationship.

crazylady121 · 14/03/2023 17:47

Also we are only 40 mins from each other,so no long distance problem. No emotional blackmail won't work with me.I'm pretty strong minded.

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