Living separately relationships

[crazylady121]

I have a good ,solid relationship but due to circumstances we cannot live together.I spend at least 4 days at my partner's place per week.Do any of you have similar circumstances and how do you make it work.Both families get on but just can't make that commitment.We've been together two years.

In recent conversations of me saying"I think we should enjoy what we have and see where we end up"My partner says is it wrong and selfish of him to want to move things forward,couple of times shutting down conversation saying it upsets him too much.I'm a very sensitive and emotional person myself but am I right in thinking that being as we are only apart normally 3 days a week ,this is pressure on our relationship that's unnecessary.

Is he looking for a full time carer/housekeeper? Shared accommodation and household bills? That kind of thing....

Follow your instincts and don't do what you don't want to do. Your daughter's and your security is the most important thing. Do not give up your council property either.

I have a twenty + years relationship that's solid as a rock and it is Camilla style lol. But neither of us has kids. We like our time apart as much as the time together.

You are quite right. This pressure on your relationship is unnecessary. What is more, it shows very clearly that his primary motivation is HIS wellbeing, HIS comfort, and HIS financial benefit.

I'd make it absolutely clear that you do not want this and that he needs to stop asking.

Thank you ,appreciate your views.I think having space is healthy ,I look forward to the days I see him.He's saying he doesn't want to live separately forever,so I've no hope for lasting 20 years 😂😂

Why does that mean you have to do it, though?

I have told my partner,for now we just need to enjoy what we have and stop putting so much focus on living together.I felt very pressured,he has listened and things seem a lot more chilled.We speak or FaceTime every day and together 3-4 days .

So annoyed that my partner is insisting we've a part time relationship.It's spoiling our relationship.I'm with him 4 days a week.As I have family,grandkids and friends,I think that's pretty acceptable.

He seems to be confusing the fact that he is perfectly entitled to say “this is what I want from a relationship…” and the fact his choices if you say no to that, as you have, are to accept it or walk away.

Attempting to push someone into what you want from a relationship is not an acceptable option and he doesn’t seem to realise that.

He probably has also forgotten that you have the choice to end things if he pushes too much…

Every other part of our relationship is great.He's made it very clear though that he won't live separately forever.Nice that he misses me when not around,I do him too,but circumstances can't change over night.

I think a big driver for living together is the lower cost. I'm sure most couples would be happier living apart really, less to argue about, navigate, doing household chores, running the house budget, going to the shop, paying for repairs etc.

My partner and I don't live together we spend for five days together then he goes home and we are usually at mine. It seems to work and is less complicated financially. We've both got adult kids, none live with either of us.

Gosh yes, absolutely don’t move in together. Two years is nothing! And you’ve so much to lose. He is being unreasonable. You need to prioritise your daughters anxiety. 20s is a really touch decade if you have anxiety.

Don't rush into anything, it's still early days. And don't give up your place!

@crazylady121 - you really need to assert your boundaries, and make it clear to him that giving up your council house is not an option. As it is, he seems to constantly try to undermine you. Moving in with him would be entirely to HIS benefit. Don't even consider it.

The fact that he is still going on about it is a huge red flag. You absolutely need to knock this on the head. Or break up with him if he continues.

My priority,as I have said to him,is to have someone in my life that I get along with,have things in common,enjoy each others company and brings positive into my life,I feel Hes priority is living together. I defo wouldn't throw away what we have just because not under same roof.I need my daughter in better mindset and moving forward with her life before he can contemplate living with me.

For me this wouldn't work. I want to live with my partner. But equally fine if others prefer it this way. The issue is that he doesn't and it sounds like you moving gives you all of the risk. It just sounds like you aren't compatible.

I defo wouldn't throw away what we have just because not under same roof.

And this is the decision you need to make clear to him that he needs to make.

He doesn’t seem to have grasped that his choices are - accept that you don’t want to live together or walk away from your relationship to find someone who does want to live together.

Bullying and badgering you is simply unacceptable.

I have made it clear it would be him that would make the decision to end it.Id like to carry on and see where we end up.Our children are young adults so have no restrictions to doing our own thing.

I think you need to make it clear to him though that constantly badgering you isn’t on.

Thats something you need to be willing to end it for - otherwise he’s just going to push and push and push until you capitulate (which clearly he thinks you will or he’d have stopped by now)

I have said I feel pressured.I would happily live with him ,just can't at this time.He lives alone ,I have daughter to think of.My daughter couldn't cope with houseful if families came together.My house is small two bed .Not even large living room.He's been very understanding but this same issue been going on for months.It's exhausting.

OP sorry if I've missed it but in your subsequent posts about discussing it further, I still can't see any reasons he has given you as to why it's so important that you live together? When you see each other so much anyway? Why is he so fixated on this? He doesn't seem to have explained his reasoning.

I worry that he's trying to manipulate you. You've been very clear and explained it's a "no" and yet he's still going on about it. What's his motive?

Thank you all.I guess watch this space.Will be shame if ends.

That's a terrible reason to move in with someone though, just to save money. Recipe for disaster. And actually a very good reason to never do so is to maintain financial independence, and ensure that you only remain in a relationship as long as it is making you happy and it's easy to untangle if you want to end it, without disrupting the rest of your life. Seems to be one of the main reasons so many are stuck in miserable relationships, because they tangled up finances and got stuck in a mess.

I do think finance is part motive.Bills would be a lot less,he private rents.Also think fed up with own company.I have people and pets around me constantly so never on my own.He wants to end and start day together everyday.

Glad you are sticking to your guns OP! The fact he doesn’t respect your opinion just shows why moving in would be a bad idea. He’s happy to put your in a bad position so long as it benefits him. Not good.