Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Bridesmaid awkwardness

127 replies

LJDJGJFJ · 20/02/2022 16:20

My chief bridesmaid (best friend) has planned (from what I’ve heard) an amazing over night hen party which will cost £250 each all inclusive. We have 13 people including me who have agreed to go and everyone is saying how much of an amazing thoughtful idea it is (I don’t know anymore).

My cousin is also a bridesmaid but has been really rude in the group chat to my chief bridesmaid about it, saying the cost is unjustifiable and that she has enough to pay for for herself so to count her out. I have had a number of people from the group( who don’t know each other) come to me to tell me how rude her comments have been.

She has really upset my chief bridesmaid, who has been really polite in the situation and now my chief bridesmaid is really nervous to meet my cousin, baring in mind she is also a bridesmaid.

My fiance has had fallings out with my cousin in the past over the years which have been resolved, but now, after this situation along with her sending his mum (my mother in law) a private message having a go at her for backing my chief bridesmaid maid up in the group chat.

Everyone has said my cousin has been very selfish and only thought about herself in all that she has said. Since asking her to be bridesmaid I have also felt a distance from her and am often ignored when sending her messages. My fiancé doesn’t want her to be a bridesmaid anymore, however I find this awkward since her sister (my other cousin) is a bridesmaid too and I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the family.

I also don’t want my best friend and chief bridesmaid to feel awkward through being a bridesmaid with her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Migrainesbythedozen · 22/02/2022 05:23

@RubyRedNails

I got married 35 years, ago. My hen do was a meal at a Chinese restaurant. My fiancé's stag was a piss up in a local pub. This was quite normal for the time. What the hell happened?
THIS. These days the Hen's Night lasts a week whereas the wedding ceremony lasts 10 minutes. Even Buck's Nights are now a week long instead of blokes doing a pub crawl on one night.
autienotnaughty · 22/02/2022 05:43

It is a lot of money. I would spend that on a event for a close friend or family member if I could afford to but other wise I'd say no. Was it clear throughout planning the costs etc I think it's important to be transparent and not expect people to attend. It's hard to say if her reaction was justified, did she say she couldn't come and then get attacked or did she go in on the offensive. She shouldn't have messaged your mil though. I would speak to her and try to calm things down. I wouldn't drop her from wedding party that would be mean.

StrawberryFever · 22/02/2022 05:43

What has she actually said that's rude, because all you've said here "saying the cost is unjustifiable and that she has enough to pay for for herself so to count her out" is completely acceptable.

So it sounds like your

StrawberryFever · 22/02/2022 05:49

Posted too soon

... Sounds like your chief bridesmaid has got defensive and embarrassed over her thoughtlessness and privilege/entitlement and is the one who's caused the problem.

Appreciate that you may not know exactly what has been said, but by saying she should be able to afford it because another which cost 170 was cancelled and it's reasonable for an overnight, you are coming across as really entitled too. It's still 250, if she can't afford it, she can't afford it (and personally I think expensive hens are the height of entitled, selfish behaviour unless you're rich enough to pay for everyone to attend)

I think you should apologise to your cousin for your cb planning a hen which is so expensive it's excluded her.

Dumblebum · 22/02/2022 06:03

Yeah I’m not sure about this either op. I’m not sure you’re playing nicely, or your partner or other friends.

It’s a lot of money, she’s said she can’t afford it, nothing you’ve written has been rude, and it’s not your partners place to decide who is bridesmaid or not, how odd for him to think that’s his decision.

This sounds like you all ganging up on her to some extent, she’s a bridesmaid so likely feels awkward, the fact 13 of you can afford it, or she once planned something expensive doesn’t change the here and now that she isn’t in a position to afford it now

Please try to have some empathy and avoid these silly immature squabbles.

PinchOfVom · 22/02/2022 06:10

£250 is a lot of money, is be rolling my eyes about that too.

garlictwist · 22/02/2022 06:13

Imagine if you had three hen dos in a year and all of them wanted £250 for a "once in a lifetime" experience. It's hugely expensive. I wouldn't go to a hen do that cost that much. Although I agree your cousin has been rude and is out if order messaging people.

Dumblebum · 22/02/2022 06:18

What’s rude about saying the cost is unjustified and she’s enough to pay for herself so she can’t come? Check your privilege, some folks don’t have 250 quid spare.

TicTacHoh · 22/02/2022 06:31

As for the cost of the hen do, it’s a very average cost for an over night one and as it’s a once in a life time thing, I do want it to be one to remembered, rather than a general night out.

Zero awareness that £250 is possibly an issue for people. This is the problem, not the cousin bridesmaid

UghFletcher · 22/02/2022 06:40

OP I've got 4 hen do's to go to this year (all delayed because of the pandemic) so echoing others, whilst it's once in a lifetime for you (hopefully) it's one of many for other people. You might put this on a pedestal but they certainly don't have to. There is no way in hell would I pay £250 for one night away for one hen.

She said no, thats not rude in itself. I would be Hmm about messaging your MIL but otherwise sounds like a tone deaf chief bridesmaid has thrown her toys out of the pram that not everyone has praised her (way too expensive) ideas and has got the hump.

LaChanticleer · 22/02/2022 06:52

as it’s a once in a life time thing, I do want it to be one to remembered

It sounds like she’s been rude.

But what you say here is rather self-involved. I hope your wedding and your marriage is once in a lifetime for YOU, but it’s rather bridezilla-ish to believe your hen do is “once in a lifetime “ for everyone else.

I think you have to accept that the cost is too high for your cousin for whatever reason. We all make decisions about what we prefer to spend our money on. It’s quite selfish to expect her to prioritise your hen do over other expenditure she needs to make.

TidyDancer · 22/02/2022 06:53

What's she actually said that's been rude? £250 is a lot on one night for some people so I'm surprised there hasn't been some kickback from more than one person on this. You don't sound hugely sympathetic to this. I know it's a special night to you, but it's not going to be a once in a lifetime thing for the others so you can expect anyone else to have that level of attachment to it.

I'd also be interested to know (as others have mentioned) what else the bridesmaids are being asked to pay for. If it's the dresses/hair/make up then it's a bit of a cheek to not be more understanding with this since this should probably be something you're funding.

TidyDancer · 22/02/2022 06:54

*can't expect

Natasha11976 · 22/02/2022 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

violetanemone · 22/02/2022 07:16

To be honest I don't know what I'd do in your situation, but I am strongly in favour of avoiding it in the first place by simply not having bridesmaids at all at my own upcoming wedding!

Putting a large group of people together who have never met and probably have very different personalities and values (like your cousin with the financial side of things), to plan a hen event and make your dream wedding happen - it just seems like a recipe for disaster. They have no reason to come together except for you and the likelihood is they are not going to see things the same way.

So, no one is planning anything related to my wedding except for me and my fiance! It's been a dream so far and I highly recommend it!

GizmosEveningBath · 22/02/2022 07:20

Natasha11976 bit of an OTT reaction there, calm down.

Violetmo0n · 22/02/2022 07:35

@Natasha11976 are you cousin? 😅

LadyEloise1 · 22/02/2022 07:38

Are you paying for the bridesmaids' dresses, shoes etc @LJDJGJFJ ?

cherrysthename · 22/02/2022 07:53

I hate it when people sit on the fence...cut out the diplomatic crap and say what you really think, Natasha Grin

ImInStealthMode · 22/02/2022 08:12

One thing to add as well, she was supposed to be a hen do 5 years ago which didn’t happen due to a break up and we were asked to pay £170 each, without travel and not all inclusive so I think she’s forgetting that here would’ve been a similar cost over all.

5 years ago though!! Things change! I went on a (3 day) hen do that cost around the same as yours 5 or 6 years ago. I wouldn't now because my circumstances and priorities have changed - I'd rather spend £250 on my home or into my savings than on activities I don't want to do, with Women I don't know. Over my dead body would I go into debt for it.

To be honest I'm staggered that you're already planning 2 hen-dos well over a year in advance. If that doesn't hint at Bridezilla I'm not sure what does. It's a lot of pressure to ask people to commit a chunk of money to something so far in advance; who knows where they'll be in their own life by then?

(I speak as someone who gets married in 3 months and hasn't so much as thought about having a hen-do. Might do, might not. The Wedding/Marriage is my priority)

Ifeellikedancing · 22/02/2022 08:23

I don't really understand what your problem is. You can't expect people to pay that kind of money if they don't want to. £250 is a lot of money. Fair enough if that's the hen do everyone else want but you can't berate people for not wanting to go.

Thewindwhispers · 22/02/2022 08:44

As soon as I read your OP I knew you’d get a hard time about the cost, Mumsnet loves to bash anyone over a hen do price and claim everyone can have a fantastic time for £20 🙄 sorry you’ve had to put up with that. Anyway, on to your actual question…

I think she has already created a load of drama and negativity, which is obviously something she enjoys. Basically there are two options:

  1. Send her a polite message that she isn’t bridesmaid anymore as it doesn’t seem to be a good fit, or
  1. Keep her as bridesmaid, but don’t add her to any group chats, delete her from those she is in, and generally ignore her as much as possible without actually ghosting her. So lots of people don’t like her, that’s fine, they can avoid her then and she can stand in a corner alone at the wedding bitching to herself.

I’d do option 2. I admit option 1 is tempting but that would just create more negativity and drama which is what she wants.

LethargeMarg · 22/02/2022 11:59

It's very hard when everyone is getting carried away to be the one person to say 'I can't afford that sorry' and so she may well have got defensive as there can be a feeling of pressure to not 'let the bride down'
£250 is to expensive for one night and there's a horrible pressure as a bridesmaid to have to go. I'd never want to be a bridesmaid again after my experiences with trying to get out of a similar prices hen do

LadyEloise1 · 22/02/2022 12:24

@cherrysthename
Your comment re Natasha is brilliant.GrinGrin
I'd love to know is the bride---- paying for the bridesmaids's dresses, hair, make up and accessories ( and accommodation if not marrying in home town ) .

RampantIvy · 22/02/2022 16:28

Is the OP going to come back, given that most posters have said that the cost of the hen do was an unreasonable ask. She seems to be avoiding answering questions about whther the bridesmaids will have to buy dresses, pay for hair and make up etc.