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Bridesmaid awkwardness

127 replies

LJDJGJFJ · 20/02/2022 16:20

My chief bridesmaid (best friend) has planned (from what I’ve heard) an amazing over night hen party which will cost £250 each all inclusive. We have 13 people including me who have agreed to go and everyone is saying how much of an amazing thoughtful idea it is (I don’t know anymore).

My cousin is also a bridesmaid but has been really rude in the group chat to my chief bridesmaid about it, saying the cost is unjustifiable and that she has enough to pay for for herself so to count her out. I have had a number of people from the group( who don’t know each other) come to me to tell me how rude her comments have been.

She has really upset my chief bridesmaid, who has been really polite in the situation and now my chief bridesmaid is really nervous to meet my cousin, baring in mind she is also a bridesmaid.

My fiance has had fallings out with my cousin in the past over the years which have been resolved, but now, after this situation along with her sending his mum (my mother in law) a private message having a go at her for backing my chief bridesmaid maid up in the group chat.

Everyone has said my cousin has been very selfish and only thought about herself in all that she has said. Since asking her to be bridesmaid I have also felt a distance from her and am often ignored when sending her messages. My fiancé doesn’t want her to be a bridesmaid anymore, however I find this awkward since her sister (my other cousin) is a bridesmaid too and I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the family.

I also don’t want my best friend and chief bridesmaid to feel awkward through being a bridesmaid with her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2022 20:26

What exactly has she said that you and others consider to be so rude?

You don’t like her and think she’s upset several people so obviously just sack her and suck up any awkwardness.

But you’re not helping yourself by changing your story with each post.

It’s an outrageous amount of money for one night. If you can extrapolate from that the wedding is going to be a massive showy insta-fest and you’re probably pissing a lot of people off. It’s a wedding. Important for you, nice for people very close to you, a potentially expensive pain in the arse for everyone else.

ilovemyboys3 · 20/02/2022 20:28

I wouldn't pay £250 for one night for a hen do. It's an absurd amount of money to ask people to pay. I get it's a night you want to remember and it's once in a lifetime thing, but that's only in your opinion. To everyone else it's a night out 🤷🏻‍♀️

NeverChange · 20/02/2022 20:28

It doesn't excuse the rudeness but the exorbitant cost of your hen goes a long way to explain it.

Just out of curiosity, who is paying for her dress shoes, make up, hair, accommodation etc.for the wedding.

Ginger1982 · 20/02/2022 20:31

Are you paying your own way on the hen do? And who is paying for bridesmaids dresses, shoes etc?

LawnFever · 20/02/2022 20:32

saying the cost is unjustifiable and that she has enough to pay for for herself so to count her out.

What are you expecting her to cover at the wedding for if she feels she has enough to pay out for?

QuillBill · 20/02/2022 20:37

It's a once in a lifetime thing

Also

I'm having a second hen party

Confused
JamSandwich89 · 20/02/2022 20:39

Honestly, it's kind of hard to follow your point here. You've said...

^'My cousin is also a bridesmaid but has been really rude in the group chat to my chief bridesmaid about it, saying the cost is unjustifiable and that she has enough to pay for for herself so to count her out.'

'Everyone has said my cousin has been very selfish and only thought about herself in all that she has said'

'It’s is in 15 months time so doesn’t all have to be paid in one go.'

'She didn’t even ask about help to pay, which was available through a number of people, it was just rudeness and a blank no from the get go.'^

...which all comes to she (like all of us it seems) has gone wtf at the price and said no and you don't seem ok with that. That's why we're all commenting on the price - because you've mentioned it like her not wanting to pay is the issue.

Maybe she's fed up with the whole hen do/wedding in general? It does sound like it's a 'this has to be important to you too' thing... AKA a headache if it doesn't matter that much to you. It doesn't sound like you're very close. Why was she made a bridesmaid?

Anyway, the 'I now have a lot of people saying how they don't like her and some people worried about meeting her' bit... They're all adults. It's a few hours out of their lives. They don't have to get along brilliantly or even like each other. I'd talk to her, asking if she's ok because you've heard she's been annoyed/arguing with others and see what she says. Then you can say she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid if she doesn't want to, if that seems to be the issue, or explain her comments have been hurtful to others and they've come to you because they're concerned about how the wedding will be. At the end of the day though, the awkwardness is already there so I think that ship has sailed.

BobbingWilson · 20/02/2022 20:46

As for the cost of the hen do, it’s a very average cost for an over night one and as it’s a once in a life time thing, I do want it to be one to remembered, rather than a general night out. It’s is in 15 months time so doesn’t all have to be paid in one go.

Who in their right mind in these times would think it was sensible to save for 15 months for someone elses hen. If you have to save up, you should save it up for yourself.

Blossom64265 · 20/02/2022 20:47

Have you actually totaled up how much you are asking your bridesmaids to spend on your wedding?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2022 20:48

@QuillBill

It's a once in a lifetime thing

Also

I'm having a second hen party

Confused

Grin
MichelleScarn · 20/02/2022 20:50

I can't imagine I'd be too keen on attending something where a furore had been whipped up against me Everyone has said my cousin has been very selfish and only thought about herself in all that she has said
So she's very selfish in not wanting to pay £250 for a night away? Has she actually done anything else?

BobbingWilson · 20/02/2022 20:53

It's a once in a lifetime thing

For you, maybe. Fot others, it really isn’t. You sound very childish in your writing.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/02/2022 20:59

I would:
ring your chief bridesmaid and tell her not to worry about it.

Ring everyone else and check they are all ok with £250 if there is any doubt in your mind they all are (and offer help if necs)

  • Ring your cousin and say you are sorry the hen is too much for her, you are at fault for not checking this (you are), but there’s no excuse to be rude to the chief bridesmaid who’s been working very hard. You want to have a great wedding, so is she now able to put this behind her?

£250 wouldn’t be a lot to most of my friendship group either, but there are a few people it would hit hard, you really have to check these things.

Now the whole lot of you need to play nice, no more drama queening. You all sound a wee bit childish

formalineadeline · 20/02/2022 21:01

@NewcastleOrBust

A Hen Party is surely the opposite of a once in a lifetime thing. People go to loads of them.
No, no, no. This one is different from all the rest, this one is once in a lifetime.

Say all the bridezillas.

BitterTits · 20/02/2022 21:03

I'm not sure sure the bridesmaid has been rude. How can we possibly know given that OP thinks she should have no issues paying £250 for a hen night?

flowery · 20/02/2022 21:05

” it’s a once in a life time thing….”

”…I have been on a few over night hen dos and they’ve all been a similar cost”

Which is it?

Violetmo0n · 20/02/2022 21:05

£50 more and you could of had a weekend abroad.
I wouldn't pay £250 for one UK night.

Don't blame cousin bridesmaid for saying no.

DreamTheMoors · 20/02/2022 21:05

@LJDJGJFJ

I see that many are getting on your case about the cost of your hen do.

I see things a bit differently — your cousin could easily have come to you or gone to your chief bridesmaid and said “I can’t go,” or “I won’t go,” or even “f**k that.”
Instead, she chose to create ill will in an entire group chat — which is entirely unnecessary, and rude and unfortunate.
My only advice would be to send her a text saying you’d appreciate it if she could at least be decent in her interactions with the other bridesmaids between now and the wedding - for your sake.

Whatever you do, don’t send her this:
🎶Every party needs a pooper that’s why we invited you — party pooper… party pooper…🎶

CatDogMonkeyPOW · 20/02/2022 21:11

Are you paying for your bridesmaids' dresses, shoes and makeup OP?

formalineadeline · 20/02/2022 21:11

How was she rude?

RampantIvy · 20/02/2022 21:17

Unless the OP comes back and tells us exactly what her cousin said, I don't think she has been rude. Saying that the cost is unjustifiable isn't rude. £250 is a lot of money.

bellac11 · 20/02/2022 21:18

Its annoying when people justify an amount of money by saying that something is a reasonable cost for what it is. (in this case I dont agree but for the sake of argument)

That may be the case, it could be reasonable for me to get a car for x instead of y and its a bargain but if I dont have x then I cant afford it, no matter how 'reasonable'

Perhaps she felt badgered and put down by saying she was struggling to afford it, with messages from you of the 'once in a lifetime' expectations.

You also implied you dont know much about the night itself so how do you know what it involves and whether it should be that amount of money?

Duchess379 · 20/02/2022 21:20

It's your wedding. If you don't want her as a bridesmaid, I don't think anyone would blame you. Just think of it as one upset rude cousin Vs a whole anxious group of Hens. I know who I'd choose.

Nietzschethehiker · 20/02/2022 21:20

I suspect like a PP that this is a bit of both. From what you say I don't doubt she's not particularly pleasant necessarily. I mean it's perfectly possible to be right and unpleasant. Happens on MN all the time.

However, use of the word selfish (that's very telling) and that people are happily wittering about her behind the scenes it's not hard to see that whilst I'm sure lip service was paid to her attending the cheaper one, I would bet my bottom dollar that actually a load of guilt tripping was applied first.

I would be reasonably sure things like " Well if you don't want to contribute to this important to the bride , will devastate her if you don't go event, then we suppose it's OK for you to go to the other event , but what a shame the bride will be so sad". Or any variant of the above.

She was rude and childish to male comments about taking sides to your MIL but I'd bet my life given that you are tone deaf that it's so very important and once in a lifetime blah blah......it tells you alot about the behaviours around this whole thing.

So yep, BM rude and probably a bit of an arse, but almost definitely set off by guilt trips and self involved wedding party.

Tillymintpolo · 20/02/2022 21:21

How can it be ‘once in a lifetime’ if you don’t even know what you’re doing ?