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Bridesmaid awkwardness

127 replies

LJDJGJFJ · 20/02/2022 16:20

My chief bridesmaid (best friend) has planned (from what I’ve heard) an amazing over night hen party which will cost £250 each all inclusive. We have 13 people including me who have agreed to go and everyone is saying how much of an amazing thoughtful idea it is (I don’t know anymore).

My cousin is also a bridesmaid but has been really rude in the group chat to my chief bridesmaid about it, saying the cost is unjustifiable and that she has enough to pay for for herself so to count her out. I have had a number of people from the group( who don’t know each other) come to me to tell me how rude her comments have been.

She has really upset my chief bridesmaid, who has been really polite in the situation and now my chief bridesmaid is really nervous to meet my cousin, baring in mind she is also a bridesmaid.

My fiance has had fallings out with my cousin in the past over the years which have been resolved, but now, after this situation along with her sending his mum (my mother in law) a private message having a go at her for backing my chief bridesmaid maid up in the group chat.

Everyone has said my cousin has been very selfish and only thought about herself in all that she has said. Since asking her to be bridesmaid I have also felt a distance from her and am often ignored when sending her messages. My fiancé doesn’t want her to be a bridesmaid anymore, however I find this awkward since her sister (my other cousin) is a bridesmaid too and I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the family.

I also don’t want my best friend and chief bridesmaid to feel awkward through being a bridesmaid with her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
PinkPlantCase · 20/02/2022 19:22

So your whole hen do is costing a total of £3,250 that’s crazy!

I’ve never paid more than about £70.

Anyway that aside. Do you want her to be a bridesmaid? If you do I wouldn’t worry about any awkwardness or what anyone else wants. They’ll all have to suck it up and be adults about it. If you don’t then tell her

SpidersAreShitheads · 20/02/2022 19:22

The thing is OP, you've changed your tune a bit.

In earlier comments you were absolutely insistent that £250 is nothing for a hen do, and that you wanted yours to be super-duper amazing that everyone would remember for the rest of their lives. And that people could borrow money to help pay for this "once in a lifetime" event....

That's very different from you now saying that you've got a regular, low cost hen do at your home and that this is just an extra celebration that's optional.

We've not seen any examples of the cousin's comments or the things that were said to her to prompt the alleged rudeness. But if she's rude, then you need to decide whether you can all look past it and be pleasant - presumably she'll be going to the low cost hen do?? If you can't, then you need to bin her. Only you can decide what will be more hassle and whether she's likely to be nice on the day.

All of that is separate from your attitude higher up the thread which absolutely reeked of Bridezilla entitlement.

NameChangeCity123 · 20/02/2022 19:23

@MaChienEstUnDick

Two things can be true at once.

Your cousin may well have been unforgivably rude to your chief bridesmaid.

£250 is a ridiculous amount for a hen do and is by definition a huge amount of financial pressure to put on someone.

Absolutely agree with @MaChienEstUnDick there are nice ways to say no thanks but I wouldn't be paying that for someone else's hen do either. I was bridesmaid for a family member 4 years ago and one night (in a venue 20mins from her home) cost £480. I was one of three bridesmaids and the other two thought this was acceptable but there's just absolutely no way I would ever go. It meant she ended up with 6 people at he then do as nobody else was able or willing to pay that much. It's important for the hen but just a night out for everyone else and i personally think these things have become ridiculous in recent years
LawnFever · 20/02/2022 19:28

Did anyone check that £250 was an ok amount for all the bridesmaids to pay before it got confirmed?

There’s no need for anyone to be rude but that’s loads for one night, and is it really all in? Does it include everyone’s travel, food & drinks all weekend?

I’d be interested to hear your cousins version of events tbh, I imagine it would paint a different picture Smile

Savvysix1984 · 20/02/2022 19:29

I love a good hen do and have gone on several abroad do's- usually a few nights each. £250 is a lot for one night. When you say all inclusive does that mean transport, meals, drinks, hotel and any activity you've planned? Your cousin may well have been rude and there's a way to communicate appropriately if they don't want to go or can't afford it- 'sorry girls I'm not going to be able to make it- it's just too much money with all other wedding bits. Have a good time'. Tbf also whilst some have come to you saying she was rude it is possible that others feel the same as her but are just saying nothing.

What did she actually say that was rude?

Chatwin · 20/02/2022 19:31

Her behaviour was unacceptable.

Paying £250 for 1 night is bonkers.

Booking it 12+ months in advance AND having 2 hen dos would just make me glaze over and bail.

Just have 1 hen do that is affordable for everyone you would like to go.

Scbchl · 20/02/2022 19:37

Iv been abroad numerous times on hen dos. I absolutely wouldn't pay 250 for one night in the UK.. Its ridiculous. I do think you should likely tell her its best she isn't the bridesmaid though all things considered, if your partner doesn't like her its daft having her in your wedding party.

RampantIvy · 20/02/2022 19:39

Hmm. It seems the OP is rather tone deaf about other people's finances. I wouldn't pay £250 for a hen do, and I can afford it.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 20/02/2022 19:40

Make sure your chief bridesmaid gets the money in advance. A lot of people will end up dropping out at that cost. If its all confirmed then any dropping out will need to be covered by the others...

Tillymintpolo · 20/02/2022 19:40

She’s probably embarrassed at not being able to afford it and feels pressured into this ‘once in a lifetime’ extravaganza. How exactly was she rude ?

MrTumblesEyebrows · 20/02/2022 19:47

You're having two hen do's?! Ridiculous. You sound like a nightmare.

worriedatthemoment · 20/02/2022 19:59

@LJDJGJFJ it may be once in a lifetime for you but if you gwt invited to 10 hen parties over a few years it soon adds up and assuming they will need spending money too

SmolCat · 20/02/2022 20:01

What exactly did she say that was rude?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/02/2022 20:02

£250 is an insane amount of money to mark an occasion. You're getting married, not curing cancer.

If you organise events that price people out don't be surprised if they are annoyed/upset about being excluded.

Having said that, there's no need for anyone to be rude.

worriedatthemoment · 20/02/2022 20:03

Yes also would like to no what was said , as All i could see is she said no from the start ? Was that no when they were discussing ideas ? 13 are going but how many were invited maybe she felt there was a few that this was too pricey for or maybe she was just rude but its hard to say

20viona · 20/02/2022 20:05

Cousins an Arsehole. Enjoy your hen without her.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 20/02/2022 20:06

There's no excuse for rudeness, but if were a bridesmaid who couldn't go to the hen do because it was so expensive, I'd be gutted.

I imagine she's hugely upset because she's part of the wedding party yet no care has been taken over the affordability of it for someone who is surely a core part of the wedding.

As a comparison I went on a 5 day hen in a villa in Spain and it cost £50 more pp than your overnighter. It's a lot of money.

Memyselfandfood · 20/02/2022 20:08

I feel really bad for your bridesmaid.
It’s a once in a lifetime FOR YOU
It’s £250, That’s nuts.
Have you actually asked if she is ok? If anything is going on in her life at the moment?
We’ve had covid, things have gone up, have you actually checked that your family member is ok?
If this was my family or my friend even, the first thing i’d be doing was making sure they were ok instead of thinking of kicking her out of the wedding or bitching about her.
She may actually have things going on that you don’t know about.

bluebird3 · 20/02/2022 20:11

I think it's off topic for people to be hung up on how much it costs, as you've said it's optional.

She's been rude to people which is ever acceptable whether it's bc she thinks it's too expensive or not. I think you'd be justified in asking her to no longer be a bridesmaid bc of her behaviour, but this may cause family awkwardness or upset. Or you can speak to her privately about how she's made people feel and see if she even still wants to be a bridesmaid, but tell her if there is more upset she is out. Or you can allow her to continue and just tell everyone else to ignore her behaviour and have awkwardness in the bridal party. There's no easy way to solve this but it is your wedding so I'd do whatever you want in this situation.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 20/02/2022 20:17

I echo PP question asking what else are your bridesmaids being asked to pay for?

There have been plenty of threads here in the past with posters fed up with the constant drip, drip demands for money.

There is no reason for rudeness but she may have just had enough.

Tillymintpolo · 20/02/2022 20:19

No evidence of what was actually said yet that was so rude ??

cherrysthename · 20/02/2022 20:20

Was she rude? Because I would be saying to count me out as well, as £250 for someone else's hen night isn't justifiable to me either.

formalineadeline · 20/02/2022 20:23

This is my problem, not that she couldn't justify the amount of the hen do

Then why have you been wittering on about how she should have arranged "help to pay" (GrinGrinGrin) to attend?

If your reaction to someone telling you they don't have the budget for your party is to suggest taking out a loan, how else do you expect them to communicate it's unaffordable without being blunt?

has been really rude in the group chat to my chief bridesmaid about it, saying the cost is unjustifiable and that she has enough to pay for for herself so to count her out

That's not rude, it's entirely fair and you clearly needed to be told from the long explanations you've given us about how it's once in a lifetime and she should have gone into debt to cover it.

Rude is your behaviour and that of everyone else behaving like schoolchildren. Just because you don't like hearing something, doesn't mean it's rude to say it.

Of course people feel under pressure and of course she had to be blunt - with it being assumed they can afford it, being told they can make help to pay arrangements if they gently say it's too expensive, guilt trips about once-in-a-lifetime experiences and the threat of being dropped from the wedding.

You weren't holding a gun to anybody's head, but it's disingenuous to claim nobody is under pressure to attend.

formalineadeline · 20/02/2022 20:24

I imagine she's hugely upset because she's part of the wedding party yet no care has been taken over the affordability of it for someone who is surely a core part of the wedding.

Exactly. If anything is rude here, it's that.

NewcastleOrBust · 20/02/2022 20:26

A Hen Party is surely the opposite of a once in a lifetime thing. People go to loads of them.