Bridesmaid awkwardness

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My chief bridesmaid (best friend) has planned (from what I’ve heard) an amazing over night hen party which will cost £250 each all inclusive. We have 13 people including me who have agreed to go and everyone is saying how much of an amazing thoughtful idea it is (I don’t know anymore).

My cousin is also a bridesmaid but has been really rude in the group chat to my chief bridesmaid about it, saying the cost is unjustifiable and that she has enough to pay for for herself so to count her out. I have had a number of people from the group( who don’t know each other) come to me to tell me how rude her comments have been.

She has really upset my chief bridesmaid, who has been really polite in the situation and now my chief bridesmaid is really nervous to meet my cousin, baring in mind she is also a bridesmaid.

My fiance has had fallings out with my cousin in the past over the years which have been resolved, but now, after this situation along with her sending his mum (my mother in law) a private message having a go at her for backing my chief bridesmaid maid up in the group chat.

Everyone has said my cousin has been very selfish and only thought about herself in all that she has said. Since asking her to be bridesmaid I have also felt a distance from her and am often ignored when sending her messages. My fiancé doesn’t want her to be a bridesmaid anymore, however I find this awkward since her sister (my other cousin) is a bridesmaid too and I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the family.

I also don’t want my best friend and chief bridesmaid to feel awkward through being a bridesmaid with her.

What would you do?

Without being in the group chat, you don't really know if she's been rude or not- you only know other people's reactions to her. She might have just been assertive or firm about not wanting to go. Many people couldn't justify £250 on one night away regardless of how far in the future it is. If I had £250 and a night off, I'd want to go to a fancy hotel with my husband, not away with a gaggle of women I hardly know to do 'activities', just not my thing.

Goodness, it all sounds a bit much to me. So many bridesmaids, two hen nights, one of which costs £250 per person?! Really, why not just have a small wedding without all this palava? If the newspapers are to be believed, research has just concluded that small weddings = longer marriages. Perhaps because the focus is on the life together rather than the one big day?

@SpidersAreShitheads

The thing is OP, you've changed your tune a bit.

In earlier comments you were absolutely insistent that £250 is nothing for a hen do, and that you wanted yours to be super-duper amazing that everyone would remember for the rest of their lives. And that people could borrow money to help pay for this "once in a lifetime" event....

That's very different from you now saying that you've got a regular, low cost hen do at your home and that this is just an extra celebration that's optional.

We've not seen any examples of the cousin's comments or the things that were said to her to prompt the alleged rudeness. But if she's rude, then you need to decide whether you can all look past it and be pleasant - presumably she'll be going to the low cost hen do?? If you can't, then you need to bin her. Only you can decide what will be more hassle and whether she's likely to be nice on the day.

All of that is separate from your attitude higher up the thread which absolutely reeked of Bridezilla entitlement.

I totally agree with this.

Op the tone of your posts has changed very quickly.

I suspect both are being unreasonable. She shouldn't be rude. If you don't want her there don't invite her.

However you do maybe need to look at your attitude to your wedding and understand that while it's an important event in your life, it does not have the same importance to your guests.

All this drama, for a plain wedding. If it’s just the marrying your partner that is important, then skip all this shit. Your marriage truly won’t be happier for it. You need to keep your friends and family after the wedding too, and I suspect strongly your cousin is the only person right in this circus.,

Wtf are they planning for one night that totals £3250?? (One night 13 people x £250)
The world’s gone mad.

@TheHoptimist

Once in a lifetime for you One of maybe dozens for them

Sounds a bit bridezilla

This.. MY hen do .. is a ONCE in a life time thing people. Suck up the 250 QUID cost and just get on with it will you...

@DreamTheMoors except we don't know what she said in the group char other than no really as op hasn't clarified

@bluebird3 but has she been rude or just said no its too expensive we don't know as not been clarified
Plus her sister is also a bridesmaid so may cause more upset
Either way its upto OP but she needs the full details and facts of what was said by whom and which context

I got married 35 years, ago. My hen do was a meal at a Chinese restaurant. My fiancé's stag was a piss up in a local pub. This was quite normal for the time. What the hell happened?

Maybe I was seen as rude and selfish when I had to tell the chief bridesmaids (the bride’s sisters) that I wasn’t prepared to pay what they had planned for my friend’s hen do, without even discussing it with me, just expecting because I was a bridesmaid for my friend that my purse had no limits.

I was pressured by them and given a hard time about it because it was my best friend but that wasn’t really relevant, everyone has their financial limits and they unfortunately crossed mine and I had to stand my ground. I had other wedding related costs to consider, and the wedding itself was obviously more important.

I ended up wishing I had never agreed to be bridesmaid, and maybe the cousin is feeling the same now. Tbh me and my friend fell out for good a year or so later and I think bridesmaid duties and her and her sister’s entitlement / bridezilla attitudes were the beginning of the end. So I’d be carefully considering what’s more important to you OP. Your one off hen do / wedding or your lifetime relationship with your cousin. Because how you handle this could go either way.

I have to agree with virtually everyone else.
I wouldn't be surprised if she questioned, in the group, why the hen do was going to be such an expensive occasion (as is advised SO often on here, to be upfront about not going, when people plan these extortionate parties rather than keeping quiet and not letting anyone book for you if you aren't going), and it wasn't liked, that she questioned it.

there is no excuse for being rude, but then again, people have different perceptions of what is considered 'rude' or not, especially when there is no tone of voice or facial expression or body language. Just text - more so when you don't know the person - can be difficult to judge the tone of what is being said.

As for the cost of the hen do, it’s a very average cost for an over night one and as it’s a once in a life time thing, I do want it to be one to remembered, rather than a general night out. It’s is in 15 months time so doesn’t all have to be paid in one go

As others have said - it is (hopefully) your only hen do (though you have since said you are having another) but when you have friends, it will be one of many you get invited to over time.
Plus, whether you pay it in instalments or not, it is still £250 to go over just one night to spend time with a bunch of people she doesn't know (potentially doing something she isn't particularly fond of).

Last hen night I went to, I only went because I love the bride dearly, and it was something she wanted to do (wouldn't have been my choice). However, that was £30 each, and I knew 9 or 10 others that were going.

If I was your bridesmaid I wouldn't go either. But I'd also be handing in my notice because that is just waaaayyy too much to expect on top of the expense of being a bridesmaid and getting to the sodding wedding. No, £250 isn't standard. No, it's not once in a lifetime. YABU.

@konasana

Without being in the group chat, you don't really know if she's been rude or not- you only know other people's reactions to her. She might have just been assertive or firm about not wanting to go. Many people couldn't justify £250 on one night away regardless of how far in the future it is. If I had £250 and a night off, I'd want to go to a fancy hotel with my husband, not away with a gaggle of women I hardly know to do 'activities', just not my thing.

This. Without knowing the comments or the context they were said in, it's hard to know if she was genuinely being rude or just that the others are annoyed that she's not going and has said it is too expensive. It could be that she's just been blunt about how it costs too much, or maybe she started off saying politely she couldn't afford to go and comments were made about her letting the group down so she felt pressured and responsded too aggressively. Or maybe she was genuinely rude and needs to learn how to decline more gracefully.

Either way, if the hen do isn't for another 15 months and the wedding even further away than that, it's plenty of time for water under the bridge so no need to cancel her being a bridesmaid on the basis of this situation alone.

So you've got a two tier system going on, one very expensive night out which the fortunate wealthy women can attend, and a 'night out' at your house for the poor relatives.

You could just do something that everybody could attend?

Why don't you call your cousin and have a chat with her?

@Tillymintpolo

How can it be ‘once in a lifetime’ if you don’t even know what you’re doing ?

So true

Exactly @raspberryjamchicken

£250 is a lot of money to many people and that's without the expense of attending the wedding itself! Are you paying for her shoes, dress, hair etc? If money is tight I can understand why she is getting stressed.

Is the £250 all inclusive? Tbh as much as I love my best friend I couldn't afford that, plus pressures to buy a new outfit etc for one night.

Playing devil's advocate, you could say that your MOH was rude to choose a hen party that wasn't inclusive. Maybe check that all of the bridesmaids could afford it before inviting everyone?

Id sack her as the bridesmaid and not invite her to the wedding. You’re doing her a favour and she’ll save loads of money in “once in a life time super special events”

Ive the feeling everyone is pandering around you and one person that has raised their concerns is the bad one (you’ve even posted a thread about her rather than speaking to her directly about what’s going on and how is she feeling and how can you help her )

I would consider it very rude of the chief bridesmaid to organise such an expensive hen night, which would thus obviously exclude some people. I can absolutely see why the second tier bridesmaid would have felt put out, and pushed out.

Seriously it does sound like a lot of money, and then there is also wedding costs on top of that. When did Hen's Nights change from a night clubbing after a bbq at home or dinner at a pub to such an expensive, exorbitant and extravagant events? I think your chief bridesmaid is insensitive and tone deaf. Not everyone has 250 pounds just for a Hen's Night. I could not justify it, even if I could afford it. Maybe you (if you really want this exorbitant do and have no embarrassment at knowing others have to shell out that ridiculous amount - if it was me I'd be mortified my friends had to pay that, and I would nip it in the bud) should offer to pay for the cousin? If she can't afford it she cannot afford it. And two Hen dos?? FFS. Why not have just the ONE that is affordable. You're being greedy and ridiculous and bridezilla. Your chief bridesmaid should have been more sensitive and more realistic. She is the selfish one. Not your cousin. You sound like a greedy bridezilla and your chief bridesmaid sounds selfish, thoughtless and insensitive. It's a Hen's Night. It's meant to be cheap/free, affordable and simple. At least that's what they always were until the greedy instagram bridezillas wanted to make it a two-day/week long affair. It might be once in a lifetime for you, but if us women have 2 or 3 of these to go to a year, it adds up. Give your head a wobble and apologise to your cousin for your chief bridesmaid's selfishness and insensitivity.

Just reading through your posts, and I missed these: Since everyone else is happy to come along, we won’t be changing the idea.

Do you really know 'everyone else' is happy to come along? Or is it more likely that they are being polite and don't feel they can say no? Just look at the fuss you've/your chief bridesmaid have made over this cousin not being able to afford to attend? All other guests know that that's the response they'll get if they say they can't afford it, so are in good British style sucking it up but are probably seething about the cost and probably worrying about it. They just won't tell you. Because they've seen how you've responded to the cousin.

She didn’t even ask about help to pay
Why would she want to humiliate herself by asking others to pay for her? Maybe she is embarrassed, maybe she has pride. I could never ask anyone to pay for me. I would just say I couldn't go.

One thing to add as well, she was supposed to be a hen do 5 years ago which didn’t happen due to a break up and we were asked to pay £170 each, without travel and not all inclusive so I think she’s forgetting that here would’ve been a similar cost over all.

Irrelevant. Perhaps she was in a better financial position 5 years ago, or perhaps she has now found her voice and realises how extravagant, exorbitant, selfish and batshit crazy paying that amount for a Hen's Night is. She is older, wiser, and has the strength to call it out.

*Just to confirm, I and nobody is forcing anybody to do this hen do.

This is for anybody who would like to join.*

The problem is, as bridesmaid, she would feel specific pressure to attend the batshit crazy one, as she is (was) part of the bridal party. She isn't just a mere guest. She probably feels humiliated and embarrassed that she can't afford/can't justify that cost and will look like a cheapskate saying she will only attend the cheap one.

Embarrassment and humiliation can result in anger.

it's how she has made people feel

Wrong, your chief bridesmaid who clearly has a lot of money (more money than sense) is the one who has caused the bad feelings by planning this waste of money batshittery. You are blaming the wrong person. If you had just directed chief bridesmaid to have a normal Hen's Night that was free or minimal cost, instead of you being a spoilt bridezilla, this wouldn't have happened. You should have reined your chief bm in when you heard about the batshittery she had planned, instead of having a silly second cheaper do. The sooner we get back to having normal Hen's Nights the better. From experience, the more elaborate and batshit the Hen's Night, the shorter the marriage. Just saying.

@LawnFever

Did anyone check that £250 was an ok amount for all the bridesmaids to pay before it got confirmed?

There’s no need for anyone to be rude but that’s loads for one night, and is it really all in? Does it include everyone’s travel, food & drinks all weekend?

I’d be interested to hear your cousins version of events tbh, I imagine it would paint a different picture

Yes, this. There should have been an agreement from ALL the bridesmaids before such a do was confirmed. If even one bridesmaid couldn't afford it/justify it, then it shouldn't have been arranged. And of course, the problem with these things, as threads on here over the years have proved, is that bridesmaids don't feel they can say no, and don't want to look bad. So they say nothing and agree, even if they can't afford it. It's basically extortion. There should be an email sent all all bridesmaids asking them what the maximum they would be willing to pay would be. And then go from there.

@dickiedavisthunderthighs

There's no excuse for rudeness, but if were a bridesmaid who couldn't go to the hen do because it was so expensive, I'd be gutted.

I imagine she's hugely upset because she's part of the wedding party yet no care has been taken over the affordability of it for someone who is surely a core part of the wedding.

As a comparison I went on a 5 day hen in a villa in Spain and it cost £50 more pp than your overnighter. It's a lot of money.

I imagine she's hugely upset because she's part of the wedding party yet no care has been taken over the affordability of it for someone who is surely a core part of the wedding.

Yes, she would be hurt and embarrassed and that can manifest in anger. Also perhaps she, like most people, could never justify it even if she could afford it. And maybe she thinks she's helping others out who reluctantly said yes but genuinely can't afford it, so she is also speaking out for them.