I've left

[plantlife]

I just thought I'd let people know because I know I wasted so much of people's time and I refused to listen to advice.
I feel I need to be honest. In a refuge in another area and everyone's been so nice and kind. Although I'm just waiting for everyone to get angry with me. I'm angry with me! I'm really struggling with it especially all the virus fears and don't know if I'll manage to stay but I wanted people to know I've tried. I don't want people to think I've posted to get people telling me to stay. I know I need to try. I just wanted people to know because I know it looked like I'd never leave. I know I'll let everyone down again if I can't stay but even if I go home I've thought through options and will look at safety measures if I'm home. Thank you for all the support you all gave me when I first posted. It really helped me slowly get go this stage. It's very hard and I'm missing him so much and it doesn't seem real yet but I'm trying to keep going with it.

I don't know anything of your story, but well done for leaving. Please please stick it out and don't go back.

Thank you. It's really hard, a massive sudden change, but I'm trying to stay away. Some posters on here helped me so much but I kept not listening or leaving. I wanted to let them know I'd left. I probably should post on relationships to let them know but I like this quiet corner. I might at some point update people there, if I manage to stay away.

I don't know your story either but also want to say well done. Stay strong, take each minute at a time if you have to. If you're desperate to contact him speak to someone at the refuge instead.

You will miss him, it's normal, but it will pass with time, when you start becoming yourself again. Keep going, you can do this

Well done!!! I've been following your story on other threads & have often wondered how you/things are. So pleased to hear you've left & are safe. You have to keep at this now - the hardest part is done. How did you manage to get away from him? How was life with him in lockdown? Stay strong xxx

Well done.
Remember the bruises, the shouting, the hearing loss.
Stay away, stay strong, you can do this.💐

Having been in a refuge myself I know how hard it is and you doubt whether you've made the right decision or not but you have taken the hardest step now.
Try and stay strong and take one day at a time.
I just want to add that if you do decide to go back then it will probably end up worse than before as the abuser lost control when you planned to and then left so may take steps to ensure you can't leave again.
Please be careful

Thank you.
I wish I could say more because I'm really struggling but I'm frightened he'll somehow find it. It really helped having somewhere to write about it but I can't stop panicking about him seeing it. I can pretend I'm someone else and forget my reality for a bit but can't do that all the time. I want to let people on my old threads know I left because I know people thought I'd never leave. Too scared to draw much attention to myself yet for now. I was missing him so much but yesterday I suddenly started feeling really scared of him and what he's going to do. I keep wanting to go back. I'm even thinking maybe going back but having him kept away. I dont know if I'll feel safe enough. I keep changing how I feel. One minute guilty and next minute I'm thinking maybe I want to make a statement to the police. I'm too scared of what he'd do if I did that and feel guilty. I suppose getting away and hopefully being safe if I don't catch the virus is enough. I'm worrying about everything including the virus and money in the future but I'm getting support here and know I need to try to stay. Anyway sorry for rambling on again. Thank you again.

Congratulations!
We knew you could do it!

OMG PLANTLIFE!! This is the best news I've read in a long time!

You can do this!

Oh plantlife I remember you and I'm delighted by your posts now.

You're right, you do need to try to stay safe in the refuge; don''t hold back from telling them how you're feeling, they're there to support you, help you,, advise you. They can't make it relevant if they don't know what you're thinking or feeling, and don't be worried about shocking them or anything, because they really will have heard it before.

Refuges are hard to find. He'll have a right old time trying to find any, let alone a specific one. We have one in our town - I know it's here but I have no idea where and I've lived here 15 years! He won't find you. Remember everyone is geared up to keeping that information very secret.

well done! I reckon we knew you'd get away at some point, some people decide very fast and some people don't. Keep posting wherever you are.

Well done plant life. Stick to your guns and don't go back. You'll feel so much happier in time.

Don't be angry at yourself, tell yourself out loud: "leaving was hard and I am proud of myself".

When you feel yourself falter you can read your threads here and be reminded of how he treated you.

Thank you all so much. I've been really struggling but felt so happy to tell you I'd left. I really wanted to be able to do that for so long. I know people had given up on me and to be honest I'd given up too. I didn't think I'd leave and being honest now, I was thinking of killing myself instead

I hope it's ok to post again. I'm finding it all really hard. Stupid really though because although I find it helps a lot to write here, I'm still really scared he'll see my posts. I think I'm just being paranoid.

There's so much I feel I want to speak about but also scared refuge staff might see my posts and I don't want them to recognise me in case they think I'm horrible. I think I became horrible and cynical in posts before I left.

I feel good to be nowhere near him and safe but also so scared about what happens next. I'm still terrified about what happens with housing after. It's even worse because of the virus. It's such a bad time to be in this situation. I'm also paranoid the staff here don't like me. They've all been really nice but I keep worrying. I don't like the person I've become.

I actually finally started to accept it's the best thing to be here. I was missing him so much at first and sort of thought maybe I wanted to be back with him. I'm even sort of now wanting to go to the police but I think I've wasted my chance. He's saying it's me and he faked an injury. I think there's enough proof and witnesses to prove the truth but really scared maybe there isn't. I should've done it when I had physical evidence. Part of me feels he's won. I'm such a mess.

Anyway sorry for returning to my rambling. Having a bad night but I'll speak to support workers tomorrow. I find it helps writing here but I hopefully won't need to too much. Hopefully I can stop being so rambly too.

I really wanted to thank everyone who helped me when I first posted. I'm so grateful. At that stage I felt so alone and desperate with nowhere to turn. I'm so grateful for the support I got here. I realised it was about a year ago I first posted. I didn't think I'd end up ever leaving. I think I'll post on my old thread at some point as I want everyone who helped and understandably gave up on me to know I've left. I hope that's not bad posting manners to do that.Thank you all again.

You’ve got this Plantlife
Stay strong you’ve got the winds of MN supporters behind you.

You’re an amazing person. You really are.

Thank you so much.
I really don't like who I am at the moment but I want to try to be better. I owe it to everyone who's helped me online and in real life. I don't want to let people down again. I think tonight I've finally accepted I shouldn't go back. I've been worrying about stupid little things since I got to the refuge. I must've really annoyed the staff but from now on I'm going to stop being so annoying and just be grateful for all the help.

Well done

What an achievement

I know from experience it is bloody hard

Very well done, all the mixed emotions you are feeling are perfectly normal and the start of the process of healing yourself, you are strong enough to see this through

It won't be easy but it will be easier than if you had stayed with him xx

Your future self will be absolutely thrilled that you did this.

There's a chance that everything can work out alright now.
No chance back there.

So well done.
Hugs

Well done to you lovely

The dialogue you are having with yourself and writing on here is what he says about you, these are his words not yours .

You say you are hopefully starting to discover you and who you are, I hope
You realise that you have the strength to be kind to yourself
To give yourself time to heal and accept help, and that you are worthy of help
That his words are all that they are just words, they mean nothing if you chose not to give them any further meaning in your life.

You have given up enough of yourself to him, and he proved to be not worthy
Of that right.

You are worthy and somehow you will find the strength to eventually accept that
It would be a great pity if someone so weak as him, stole your future from you.

A minute an hour a day at a time, this is the only way to do it ,but you will do this op

Plantlife - well done you!! You must be exhausted emotionally, happy, sad, scared & excited all in one. One day at a time and keep reminding yourself why you left. Then start to live your beautiful future and find yourself again. Really well done

Oh Plantlife, it's such a journey you're on! It's so gratifying to see you taking the first steps; I'm not sure anyone gave up on you. You're incredibly good at putting yourself down, you know! Those lovely staff at your refuge will help you with that, as they will help you with all kinds of things. Talking helps, it always has and will for you too. So do it! As much as you need to, here and in rl. People can't help if they don't know, so remember that.

So glad you're out. Time will allow you to heal, and the refuge staff will be happy to help in any way they can. They understand that it won't happen with a click of the fingers.

This is such brilliant news. Well done plantlife. You actually did it. This is the start of a new life for you.

Thank you for being so nice
I don't know if I should post again because I don't want to keep being annoying but I feel the need to get it out and I suppose nobody needs to read. I'm a bit paranoid someone from the refuge or somewhere else will recognise me but hopefully not in this quiet corner. I'm just struggling so much. I don't think I can stay. I'm not posting for attention to get people telling me to stay although I know you'll all be very disappointed and annoyed if I don't stay. I just feel I need to say it to someone. I feel so panicky about it all and the virus situation is pushing me over the edge. Cases are rising in this area and I feel like I can't stay safe. I can't completely socially distance. I can't ask them to let me completely socially distance because I can't make them want to get rid of me. I feel like I have to behave. I also was very spoilt but I had everything I needed in walking distance in my flat and a good gp. My old one was so horrible and I've been told by nurses today that a new GP might want to make me straight away stop taking the sleeping pills that I've been taking for years. I know I can't take them forever but I'm already not coping here. I had everything I needed at home. It took so long to get to that stage. Finally had finances sorted, well stocked food cupboard, little extras in the flat like proper bed linen. I'd only just got all that. I'm so stupid for leaving. It wasn't such a terrible situation and my stupid panic has taken it all away from me. I miss him so much and remembering the deep crushing loneliness I've had before meeting him. I want to hug him.

I'm not normal so don't fit in with many people. I know I'm annoying and difficult and think the staff here are already fed up with me. I sound so horrible saying this but I keep wishing I'd never tried to stop him hurting me. The very few times it might have ended with him seriously hurting me. I sort of wish it was over. I'm panicking about being homeless again. I've been told I'll be helped to move on but worrying that's just to try to stop me going home and really there's only so much they can do. Now with virus getting bad again I feel like they might not be able to help because they'll have so much extra stress and worry to deal with. I feel so bad and guilty to be so difficult. I really want to just go home to hide from the virus but now don't know if I can. They said they'd contact the police with safety concerns for me. He'll not forgive me if police involved again but landlord won't keep me on without him so I need him. I spoke to shelter and they've confirmed I won't be helped properly by the council at home. Because of high housing demand and I'm not priority need. I'd get somewhere temporary but then back to square one. I might as well go back to everything now. Someone told me on another thread the law had changed but it hasnt. So I need him. I don't want to be away from him either. Everyone gets fed up with me because of me being so annoying but he puts up with it. I hate being alone. I don't like who I am but I want my old life back. There is one possible option to stay in my flat but it would make him so angry. I don't think I can cope with being in a refuge during the virus and anyway I think I'm already not liked here because of being so difficult. I feel so frightened also being away from home but obviously feel unwanted there too because of the council wanting to get rid of me. I thought I hated where I was from but feel like I've sort of lost almost a family member. I sound so stupid but I feel like it's part of me but I'm not allowed to stay there. I think I'm too old to start again and can't cope with trying during the virus. I've left nearly everything I own including well stocked food cupboard behind. I feel like I'm a sort of unwelcome squatter here. They're all being really nice but that's probably just being professional because they have to pretend to like you. I think I'm too mentally messed up with my virus fears and everything else to be here. Sorry I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself and venting. I shouldn't because if anyone sees it things will be worse but hopefully they won't. I just wish there was an easy way out of life.

I'm sorry noone saw your update plant life, and I hope you are ok. You are not annoying weird or difficult, you are traumatized.

Are you safe?