Ok, it's abuse. Aiming to be strong.

[plantlife]

I didn't know what to call the new thread. I don't want to be attention seeking. I think if it had my username more people might look thinking it's something else, maybe about plants. So I kept it off the title.

I know it's annoying to need a new thread. I genuinely thought I'd have left when I started the first one.

I don't know if I need much more posts but I think my old thread stops at page 40 so if people don't mind, I can vent and express my fears here. I hope to leave well before this thread gets to long. Thank you again so much for all the kindness and support. I should go to bed and try to take action tomorrow instead of being too scared to do anything.

I see we’re on another thread together @plantlife.

Keep posting! Xx

I'm too scared to say anything more on that thread. Just paranoid he'll find it or find out about it. I didn't think when I started posting on here but he has lots of friends with children. Their wives or partners could be on here and I know it's unlikely but I'm scared he'll find out. Anyway so so sorry you're still stuck too

ByeByeMissAmericanPie. You've got so much of your own problems to deal with yet you tried to help me. Thank you for being so kind and to everyone who tried to help. I really really hope you get to leave soon and your son. I know it's my own fault for not leaving before this virus happened. I'm stuck now. Even if the lockdown ends nowhere is going to take someone from London. Understandably. I couldn't get there anyway as going out would risk catching the virus. The housing options in London are worse than being with him at his angriest and anyway I'd need to leave completely as he has friends all over London.

I feel so ashamed about what happened last week. I feel like they see me as not deserving their help. Truth is I can't help feeling like they hear a relatively middle class accent and I think they don't see that as being someone who needs help especially the housing aspect. The we chat woman who's a chief executive of a DV service said (in the webchat) there was too much focus on white middle class victims. I think all victims should get help and minority backgrounds should get any extra help needed but I now feel like maybe if you don't fit their idea of who needs help you won't get it. Sorry that doesn't make sense. It's just my rambling venting.

Anyway last Monday I tried one final time to get help from the London wide helpline before things shut down. I ended up sort of having an argument. They'd given me refuge numbers but the places were gone or only for women with children. I called back to tell them. I begged them to help me find somewhere, I didn't downplay, told them about the worst violence, but they kept insisting I had to use my local council service. I told them the local one didn't help and had told me they didn't help with housing, but they didn't care. I asked if I felt safe enough to give them my details would they help me find a refuge but they just said there's no guarantee. I ended up saying I was upset they seemed to be refusing to help me, told them how I'd tried a few out of area places just for initial advice out of desperation. They're not funded to help me because of being out of area but they'd all said my local service should advocate for me and if I was struggling the service would find me a space (instead of giving me numbers to call). I said I wanted them to fight for me to help me but she got angry and accused me of recording the call. I wish I had.

Anyway sorry for rambling. I know you all now have your own important issues to deal with because of the virus. It helps to let off steam even if no-one reads. I know perhaps I'm being too picky but I couldn't cope in a mixed purpose hostel with violent ex offenders and drug and drink addicts even if same sex (and it's very possible it would be mixed sex) especially now with the virus. Please don't think I'm being snooty. People all deserve help and chance to rebuild lives but obviously that isn't a safe environment and it frightens me. I knew people, men actually, years ago who lived in hostels and they said it was dangerous and that's why some people sleep on the streets as it's sometimes safer. I can't even cope with the thought of shared refuge. Women can be violent or nasty too. I'm not normal and that makes it harder. So I'm now trapped here for now but at least I'm used to it. I'm just hoping to get through the next few months then try to leave then. He's being so nice at the moment.

I really hope you all stay well.

@plantlife Not sure if you feel safe posting right now, but I'm thinking of you and I (and I'm sure many others) hope you're doing well.

Also, sorry to anyone who sees this bump thinking it's OP!

I'm really sorry I never replied. I didn't check this for ages. Thank you so much for being so kind. I'm still here but he's not here because of the lockdown so I suppose I'm safe but I don't like it. I know it sounds stupid. It's not a nice world being completely on your own with bad health and no children to keep going for and to make me normal and no safe home. He keeps me with food and money and a home and everything essential. It's dangerous on your own and it's also not nice. He was there for me and no one else is in real life because they have their own families. We were a team and I hope it gets back to normalish soon. Anyway I'm sorry I'm just having a low moment maybe. It's just hard because I think I need him. I feel trapped because of the virus but also because there's not nice people out there in the outside world and I don't belong anywhere. I feel like the virus has really shown me that and it's not just my fears. Sorry I don't mean to sound so negative. It's just I was lucky to have someone that cared. Anyway sorry I'm not making much sense. I just wanted to thank you for being kind.

Hey, how are you now? I've been following from the last thread. Found this one as I was wondering how your were getting on.
You sound like a different woman these days. Yes, you still have anxiety but you sound way more together. You are making decisions and standing up for yourself on the phone. Your venting is easy more articulate.
Are you still in the nice phase of the cycle? Or had he turned again?
Check out this book, to it'll help explain how and why he keeps you in a confused state.
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
How things are looking up for you!

Hope things are looking up for you?

Hope things are looking up for you!

Im so sorry. I didn't check this thread for ages. I was writing a bit on another thread in relationships but took a break for a few weeks. I was just repeating myself and not doing anything to make things better and I know that's annoying.
Anyway I'm sorry I didn't reply. I found this thread and my older one so helpful. I felt so alone and cut off and it felt like a safe place to write about it all.

Thank you so much for being so kind and asking how I am.
I wish I could give a good update but nothing's really changed. I felt paralysed with fear about changing anything.
I've spoken a bit more to my GP but appointment time ran out so I'm going to try and say more next week. I'm hoping to finally try to leave. It's terrifying especially with the virus still around.

Thank you for your the book link. I think I need to read it. I need to try to accept he may not love me. It's hard to face. Thank you and sorry again.

Again, you sound so much more together and positive now. Remember leaving is not a one time thing, statistically it takes at least 6-7 tries. It really sounds like you're getting close to the final break. Great to sense....
The book will be an eye opener for you. It might explain how he seems to know what you are thinking before you realise it yourself! Hopefully it will give you strength.....
For the GP, write out a bullet point list, with sub lists of points if needs be. Type it up on your phone beforehand, even in the waiting room if you are concerned about it being discovered. Have 'everything' you want them to know on it, even the links to your posts for further reference. The GP can scan it quickly to get a sense of where you are at overall. I do it when I've lots of little things to discuss and don't want to forget anything. They have told me they liked it and wished everyone would do the same 😂
The twisting it back that you are three mentally ill and abusive love is a common tactic. Stick to the truth and don't JADE, justify, argue, defend or explain. State and stick to it!
Good luck x

Hi Plant, I just saw you posting on my thread elsewhere. How are you?

I'm so sorry. I didn't realise people posted here again. This thread didn't come up in my You'll On list thing. I felt bad for being so negative on your thread. I'm really sorry. It's just something I can't stop worrying about but also someone accused me of making it up on another thread (the difficulty in finding housing on benefits) so in a way I'm glad landlords were honest. At least people know I'm telling the truth. Anyway sorry for being so negative. I'm trying to sort something and be strong and take a risk. He's threatening me again so I know I need to try before it's too late. His work reopens next month. I've been speaking to my GP. She's trying to get me help with leaving but I think I may have to do it myself. She can only refer me on and if it's my local dv charity they won't help. I finally did a risk assessment a few weeks ago. A refuge out of area. Gave my details. I know you'll think I'm so stupid. They offered a space. I tried to make myself go but panicked. Fear of homelessness after, fear of leaving him, and fear of just going outside. I know it's awful to turn the chance down but I think it's helped me get over the fear of giving my details. Next time I try I hope I'll be finally ready to go. I was scored high risk but no referrals made. They only do that if children. I wish I'd known as I'd have asked for help sooner. I know I need to sort out my fears. I've asked GP for mental health help with it. Also asked about trauma therapy but don't think it's offered in this area. Anyway sorry for rambling.
I really hope you'll doing ok @Whatisthisfuckery you tried to help me but had so much to go through yourself. I really hope you have somewhere decent and safe now to live. You deserve it.

Thank you both for your posts. I don't want to keep rambling here without taking action. I know it's down to me now. I don't need to take any more of people's time here so no need to reply. I just wanted to thank you really and didn't mean to ramble again.

I'm sorry. I can't sleep and maybe just needed let my worries out in a hidden corner.

I'm trying not to panic but now it's gone the other way. It's like I'm too calm, sort of like frozen. Feel a bit defeated really.

Anyway jambled tired thoughts so hope this makes sense. Please believe me, I'm desperately trying to be strong and take rusks

I'm aware of it but can't seem to break out of it. I've developed some sort of MH barrier I think. I've been so isolated for so long. Partly physical health but then it became about fear of him. He didn't seem to want me outside at all (or maybe it was if so started feeling better, more confident, independent). So then he went away for lockdown and now it's become sort of agoraphobia. Anyway, sorry rambling.

I'm trying to go from zero to 109 but struggling. His office opens in a few weeks. I know I should try to leave but can't seem to cope. I'm still so paralysed by fear. Still doing it kind of on my own.

Don't know how to get support in time.
Asked GP about MH support to help me manage to leave. Sounds too slow if needed quickly. They can't refer me until we know where I'll be living. I think it's a wait so suppose not crisis support. I haven't managed taking the bins out even for weeks. Don't know how to make myself leave if can't do that. I thought maybe an IDVA wound help especially with my practical questions but still no be offered one. I feel conflicted and confused. I scored 16 on the assessment I did a few weeks ago. I wasn't referred anywhere because it was a refuge out of area and I guess they only refer to that marsc if children. Or maybe they don't believe me. I spent so long scared of risk assessment, finally realise it could help, but now it seems I won't get that help. Maybe I don't need it. I feel so uncertain about everything.

Can't do my local dv charity as they wouldn't help. I don't know what to do. Panicking. Hard to do on my own.

I just don't know what to do. How and where to get help. I'm trying to make myself just do it all alone but I'm finding it so hard. I know I'm a mess. I miss himband feel like I could quite easily feel it's not that bad and would be safest going back to normal with him. Then I get a sort of flashback or memory and I think it's risky being here even he's here.

I have a care coordinator team who seem very kind. I'm just don't sure the help they can offer will help. It's all dependent on your area. I can't go through the local DV charity. The local mental health is a waiting list. If I think a PTSD diagnosis would not useful that's another wait. I'd been told by the DV charity to go to adult social care. They told me to go to MH team who told me to go to dv charity!

I don't know where to turn. I'm guessing maybe nowhere for support getting away. I may try the other local charity but they have 3 weeks waiting list so maybe too late if I should go sooner. I've already put it off too long.

I'm scared of everything but practical issues are leaving a private rented flat without taking all my stuff and end of lease cleaning. If I'm no chance of social housing, I need good landlord reference for future landlords. I suppose I'm worrying pointlessly as finding a safe private rent on benefits with no guarantor won't be easy. I'm trying to not panic and go somewhere with more housing but it's still such a major fear, what happens after a refuge.

I'm scared. The care coordination team can't guarantee I'd be able to have my own safe home after refuge. I saw an article in the guardian. How single homeless sometimes get out in mixed shared housing. Ex offenders including violent men. I have had such an extreme fear of shared housing for years. I found it unbearable in the end and I'm now so scared of germs and just possibly violent people.

Anyway. Sorry for rambling. I don't expect anyone's still reading. I just hope it you are that you understand it's not me making excuses. I know I'm in a bad way so finally asked but it's not a quick progress and postcode lottery.

Maybe I didn't explain enough. I spoke about violence having happened but I didn't say about him saying he'd kill me or how completelt I felt controlled. I feel so guilty to betray him still particularly as he's been there for me when support services haven't. I'm also thinking though they didn't believe me maybe? I feel like I'm exaggerating when I try to explain verbally. I feel they think that.
Sorry for rambling. I should sleep then try to make calls again. I'm rambling here to hopefully get it all out. I think partly I feel deflated. I hoped sort of that once I'd done a risk assessment or spoken to gp, etc it would be out of my hands, svd help woujd be given like an idva to help advocate for and support me. I'm being stupid. It's probably better doing it myself with my control.

Thinking of you OP

@plantlife how are things looking? Hope you are doing ok

I think he's won
The worse thing he did wasn't the violence. It was stopping me getting medical treatment and working. He always threatened to destroy me, make me homemade, taunts me about how he'd just get a slap on the wrist but I'd be in a hostel.
He's right. One council was actually honest. Others just gave vague non answer answers. That council has three hostels for childless people. Two are mixed sex, one is just for men. No single sex for women. These hostels house a mix including people just released from prison. It's dangerous. It's not safe and it's not better than a few bruises.

It's partly my fault for being too scared to leave before the virus when maybe there was more support or at least easier to fight for something safe. I don't know though as I did try to get help and wasn't helped. I think it's just my local council is bad with support services.

Anyway. I don't see a safe way out. I don't think I'm going to get through this so I just have to accept that's it.

He's due back in the next few weeks. I hope he comes back and doesn't change his mind. My alternative is a hostel. Too dangerous. I've been offered refuge places but after refuge I'd be very vulnerable because of no dependent children. I'm going to try one final time to get pregnant. Please don't hate me. I admit it's my way out of this, the way to get safe housing, but it's also because I don't want to be childless.

Nowhere else to turn. If I could break out of my fear I'd maybe risk trying an area where there's more chance of safe housing but I'm struggling to even take the bins out. It's been a month and it's not good, I know. I know that's psychological. My physical health is still a problem but I could go out briefly. It's mental now. It's maybe because I had to stay in for so long, physical health, injury, then fear of him, but now it's become my safe place to hide from the world. I also can't get over the shame about the neighbours.

Anyway. No help available. GP referred me to a care coordinator. They're saying mental health support has long waiting list. I thought maybe there was some sort of crisis PTSD anxiety support.

The horrible local dv charity kept telling me to go to social services. I spoke to my councils adult social care. They don't help. Also told me they didn't do adult safeguarding like the marac for adults unless learning difficulties. They told me to call mental health. Who tell me there's a long waiting list so no help if I need to leave soon. They told me to call DV charity. Who told me they don't help with the emotional mental health side of being able to leave and told me to call social services or mental health. Round in circles, passed around.

Hi again!
Sorry you’re still in that situation.
I hope you can get outside more soon.

I'm sorry for writing here again. I just feel I'm not going to get through this. I want to write it all out there somewhere whilst I still can. It also just helps letting it all out. Sorry though.

Anyway I can't seem able to write without rambling. I'm sorry.

I don't know if maybe I'm not at risk anymore. I get the feeling no-one I've told seems that concerned. I actually don't think they all believe me. The care coordinator referred me to a social prescriber who I think refers to dv support etc. I haven't done the risk assessment. I don't know if that's normal or if it's because they don't think it's that bad. Maybe it isn't. I think they might think it's about housing only, like I'm making up or exaggerating dv to avoid homelessness. I'm questioning myself now. Either I didn't explain things properly or maybe it's not so bad anymore. He's been away for 3-4 months so maybe they think I should only ask for help if things get bad again. Everything's a big mess as a consequence of the time with him but that's not the job of DV places to help with. They're too busy with immediate risks. He still won't tell me if and when he's back. His office is reopened though. I don't want to leave. I feel too scared to step foot outside again full stop but also I'm terrified of unsafe housing. I've realised it's just my word about the dv. Maybe the care coordinator and local services don't believe me? I should've gone to hospital when I had injuries.

I just keep thinking at the back of my mind how maybe I shouldn't waste the chance to leave. Or do I just wait and see if things go bad again?

I feel confused because a few weeks ago I did the risk assessment for a refuge place. I scored 16. I think that's high but no-one referred me for support. The refuge wasn't local so they can't help me themselves. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. It's just I took so long to feel confident enough to do the risk assessment and give my details. I thought I'd finally handed over control to get help but now there doesn't seem to be help.

Maybe I'm panicking.

I'm just so scared of ending up in dangerous hostel housing. I don't see how sharing with potentially unstable, addictions, violent fellow residents including men is a safe place to go from DV.

Maybe a different area might be possible. I don't know. I think maybe I could look again. I'm trying so hard to make myself step foot outside. I want to start with the bins. Anyway at least people will know I've asked for help with that now. It's not available so that's not my fault. I think it's postcode lottery so some areas may help.

Sorry I didn't see your reply.
Thank you for being so kind from the start of my threads.
I'm sorry I've not left. I really have started trying to get help but I suppose with limited funds and the virus situation, they have to prioritise.

I feel like I'm failing and it's my fault about not getting outside. I don't know how to break through it. It was genuinely physical for so long and fear of him (he really was worse after I got outside). Now it's psychological and the shame about bumping into neighbours.

It seems like there's no help in my area. Care coordination say mental health waiting list so no help to leave. I have to try to get myself out in my own. I'll try but it's hard being so isolated without support. It makes the outside world seem even more scary.

Anyway. Sorry for feeling sorry for myself. I'm just so upset about the hostel prospect. My fear of that is a major reason why I stayed when he first really physically hurt me. I hope people accept it's not the safest environment and especially a mixed sex hostel with ex offenders. It's definitely not safer than being with him. I know some areas might be better so I just have to try to pull myself together and try again.

If I want to leave before he's back I have at least one more week. After that I'm not sure.

Sorry about what you're going through. Do you have much money saved? Would it be enough for a first month's rent and a deposit? If not for a whole flat/house, what about something like spare room.co.uk and just get a female only flatshare?

m.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare/?search_id=985212274&

On there you can put filters on for 'female' only and 'housing benefit accepted'.

Sorry I didn't reply. I'm terrified of shared housing. Struggled in the past but now really bad. I've been so cut off and isolated for years. Also bad health so dangerous with the virus. Anyway I've got no money. I tried to leave when I had savings but no landlord would take me even then. I'm terrified of being forced to go to dangerous shared benefits housing where violent men just released from prison will also be. Even female houseshare will have male visitors. Anyway I'm not in 30s anymore. Most female houseshsres are younger.

I feel like giving up. I'm still trying but can't take much more trying to get help and failing. My GP has been so kind but there's no real support in my area. I know it's my fault for not feeling able to leave but it's so hard after so long and such isolation. I feel like I need a support worker or idva but it seems so hard in my area. My local services said it's a three week wait. I know I should've asked for help sooner but I was so scared about it being reported or that marsc meeting. Now I know my area doesn't report if no children so I worried for nothing but it's too late to get help if I want to leave before he's here. I need to go before end of August. I suppose I don't need to after all this time but that's when my best chance to leave is.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come back here. I know everyone's fed up but as it's a quite corner I think it should be ok to just ramble to myself and people can ignore instead of getting angry.

Anyway. I'll try to start again. Again. I had to vent as it's so hard without RL support. I know I'm not believed but I've tried to get help. Tried again today and wasted so much time. I'm running out of time before it could escalate agsin. I'm trying to accept I have to do it without help but it's so hard. Also panics me as worry the same lack of support will happen when in new place and unfamiliar area with Universal credit application issues (I hear about it being difficult) or no money or other issues. I end up spending days on phone, being told by everyplace to call somewhere else who refers me on, and round in circles passed around.

I'll shut up. Just wanted people to know I'm not making excuses. I have tired lots now to get help. Did risk assessment, gave my details, to refuge out of area. Got offered place but struggled to leave. I haven't even taken bins outside for a month again. Realised need help with it all. Local DV services three week wait, they told me to call adult social care. Social services told me to call mental health. Mental health told me to call DV services. Passed around and no help. I know I have a small window of opportunity left. He'll be coming here at done point in next week or so. Also panicking if London's cut off from rest of UK in a lockdown so need to leave asap before that happens. Sorry rambling. Just hard without support worker. I feel exhausted from making calls and repeatedly asking for help, having to go through my situation, then feeling like they don't want to help or don't believe me. I wish it was true about just making one phone call and help being arranged.

Sorry so rambled. Basically it's hitting home how much I need to accept it's not ok with him and how urgent it is to get away whilst I have a chance. I'm just really really struggling without help. I tried really triedc to make myself leave but finding it so hard. So I realised I needed support but it's not easily available.

Spoke again today to my local DV service. I asked if anyway of having a support worker or IDVA to speak to even if just once, just go help me go over a few issues and questhinns. They won't help. Said it's a blanket 3 week wait for any support. In the past few months they've said it depends on each circumstances but today they said that's it 3 weeks for everyone. I know I should've asked for help sooner but was so scared. I explained I should icesmky be gone next week. Every week I wait now it's August is risky. I tired to deny the reality for so long as feel safe here for now and feel the need to hide from the world here forever but finally woken up to the danger and think need to go whilst have the chan r. Will be so much harder and risky waiting for things to escalate. They don't seem to care and just said 3 weeks and no support at all before then. I just wanted one time on the phone. They said if immediate danger they report to police but that's no good if you feel you need support on dealing with the police. I feel so upset.

Trying not to give up. I usually end up doing that after difficulties but really begining to get frightened again now times running out. I suppose lockdown was a break from reality.

GP referred me to a care coordinator who referred me to a social prescriber but they don't seem to be able to help. She can only give me phone numbers of the local DV service. I stupidly hoped she'd be able to make calls and help arrange things or do referrals. I suppose I'm being paranoid but get the feeling she doesn't believe me about the situation. I think maybe the sane with my local dv service? I feel like they're offer help now if they believed me. I start thinking again that I'm exaggerating. I feel like I have to wait for something to actually happen again before getting any help. Can't access mental health support. The prescriber told me I can't be referred until they know where I'll be living as it's all localised. I wanted help to help me leave but NHS waiting list and won't refer until know what area. I tried a charity that does trauma counselling but they seem inundated.

Just wish in my area I could ring a number, say please help, explain the situation, and get the help. I know I'll have to do it alone but it's so hard.
I'm too scared now to tell GP about potential issues injures he's caused because scared police will be involved. I so desperately don't want thst anyway but definitely cabtygo through it within support.

Sorry. I don't mean to ramble in. I know it's down to me. I either get myself away or I don't. Maybe the idva service wouldn't make any difference but I suppose I feel like it must be worth it or else other women wouldn't need their support. Sometimes it's maybe just needed to get past other gatekeeping services.

Anyway. I'll go away again now. I just don't want people thinking I'm not trying. I am trying and it's just very hard without a support worker.

Sorry. Rambling. Just know in my heart I should try to leave tomorrow. Waiting even until next week is more risky but not impossible I suppose. Just struggling so much. Can't even get myself to tske bins out so don't know how to break past that. Got all these practical questions too but no-one to ask about them as no support worker. Sorry. I'm feeling sorry for myself. Got to stop panicking. It's just I've had a break from reality but now got to face it and I've wasted so much time. I knuwvirs safer to leave asap whilst easier to do. Frightened about waiting as things will escalate and not mentally strong enough.

How is everything plantlife?

Hey. Did you manage to go outside yet?