Ok, it's abuse. Aiming to be strong.

[plantlife]

I didn't know what to call the new thread. I don't want to be attention seeking. I think if it had my username more people might look thinking it's something else, maybe about plants. So I kept it off the title.

I know it's annoying to need a new thread. I genuinely thought I'd have left when I started the first one.

I don't know if I need much more posts but I think my old thread stops at page 40 so if people don't mind, I can vent and express my fears here. I hope to leave well before this thread gets to long. Thank you again so much for all the kindness and support. I should go to bed and try to take action tomorrow instead of being too scared to do anything.

PS Its a FAB day! Get out and see a bit of Spring unfolding.

Can you phone the lovely refuge again? I’ve worked in social care a long time, and there are always some workers who are better and more empathetic than others. When you’re feeling strong this doesn’t matter as much, but when you’re feeling so vulnerable as you do, it matters enormously to how you feel. So try to speak to people who listen and are supportive. And when you go, just go. If you’re offered a space then go immediately. Any good refuge will make sorting your medication a priority

The medication is getting sorted but not properly until later next week. It's hanging over me and made me so stressed. It's the time spent on it that's stressing me. I've spent all of today on it, that's why I'm so upset. I don't think I should've wasted today as he's being so unpredictable. I'm dreading the weekend. The medication already was actually sorted, we discussed it all last week. It's a mistake but I'm struggling with the wait, the unresolved mistake. It feels like too much in one go to deal with. And just the time it's taken too. I woke up feeling positive , felt ready mentally to go outside. Had to stay in for various calls then lost my confidence. He's back soon so too late now. I didn't want to waste today on doctor problems.

They know the situation. No details but they know there's been violence and some of the other stuff. I planned to talk more today but didn't get a chance. I tried, I really did but the time ran out.

The one today didn't seem to understand. She's probably too busy. They were very busy today. It's easier with regular GP who already knows the case. I think also some doctors don't see you as an individual with specific circumstances.

Sorry. I'm going to try again with the nice refuge on Monday. Just have to stay strong over the weekend.

It’s not easy when you’re not seeing the GP who doesn’t know you.
But how have you spent a whole day on the meds? Waiting in for a call? It’s a PITA but it shouldn’t make you quite so anxious. (Unless I’m wrong and these are keeping you alive. In which case ignore me!)

I can't make sense even to myself. I had to wait for a callback then had to call again. But really it just knocked me down psychologically. I know it's pathetic but going outside is a big thing for me. Once I do it, I feel better, but I was struggling to feel confident enough to go past the neighbours. I needed to 100% focus on that. I'm being ridiculous, I know.

I felt ready today but then got so upset and stressed. I know normal people would just get on with it. I need to be stronger because I don't feel able to do it all at the same time. I've got enough medication for now, but I've got so little control over so much, it's a psychological security blanket knowing that's completely sorted. I think I was so upset because it was - apparently - sorted last week. It's wearing being reassured and then it messing up again. And again. It's even harder to trust doctors. I'm on edge not knowing if I can trust it's truly (finally) sorted. It keeps happening.

I'm pulling myself together. Let it all out so all I can do is try again on Monday. Doctors are a horrible source of stress now to me. But the regular one isn't free until later next week - so I can forget it all until then. If I get through this, I'm going to avoid doctors as much as humanly possible for the rest of my life. I know it's not the same as him but I hate that they have such power over you especially as it's s lottery who you get.

You don’t need to feel sorry. It’s understandable if you got yourself psyched up to go out today and then couldn’t. Just do what you need to do to get through the weekend and then phone Monday. Just because one day didn’t go to plan, it doesn’t mean that you’ve wasted the day. It’s helped you realise even more how important it is to get outdoors.

You’re not being ridiculous. It’s like you’ve stayed inside for so long that you’ve almost become agoraphobic. (Not exactly but hopefully you know what I mean!)

So much of what you’re saying sounds like excessive anxiety. Small things sending you into a tailspin. (I have it!) Worth seeking treatment or investigating CBT to help?

Don't forget that if you were in a refuge they could help you deal with prescriptions etc. You would have the support to keep tapering down.

@plantlife - how are you? Hope you're OK...

@plantlife Thinking of you. I hope you’ve been able to get outside.

Thank you so much for thinking of me. I hope you're all ok and staying well.

I tried to make calls Monday but it went wrong. I felt worse after the call. I know it's spoilt but I truly can't cope with shared facilities especially with the virus. I would hold on for the housing association but I may actually be going lower on their list. They might be able to find me a hostel but I couldn't face that. I'm sorry if that makes you annoyed. The best abuse he did was leaving me destitute when there's no longer much of a safety net. The bruises have gone. I think I'll get the doctor stuff sorted first. It's distracted me and I lost my confidence to go outside. I've lost that motivation. I'll try to get back together.

You do need to go outside and you do need to continue the freedom programme.
Unless your health issues make you extra vulnerable (mine do) then the virus is not actually that big a threat. He is.

I know I need to go outside. I don't know what's happened. I feel a bit defeated I suppose. I do have a higher risk health-wise with the virus and also may have diabetes. Not surprising as I've had no exercise at all for so long. All my weight gain is around my middle, which makes me even more worried. My other main concern with the virus is being ill around him. Even if I got a mild non hospital case, which can include pneumonia at home, he won't let me rest when I'm ill. If I didn't live in London I wouldn't be quite as worried though.

I know it looks like excuses. I can't make anyone believe me. I genuinely felt ready (again) to go out today. Yesterday I had to wait in for a call (not doctor). But again doctor problems! Had appointment (phone) and GP still off sick so it's cancelled. I had a feeling it would be. I can't help worrying she's got the virus. I really hope she hasn't. She's so nice and I want her to be ok. I got so stressed because I'm now possibly going to completely run out. I'll survive a cold turkey but I wouldn't be capable for a few days or weeks so that's it for getting outside or doing anything about him. I'm not even meant to be completely off it, just cut down, because pain still there.

Sorry. Rambled self-pity. Just upset. It will get sorted, the doctor stuff, but the reason I needed it sorted asap was do it didn't detract from everything else. It's all on hold now. Anyway now I'm moaning I might as well anniy everyone even more. There are self-contained refuges in this city but only for minorities. It also sounds like very very few out of the area unless you have children. I was given fajse hope a while back by a kind helpline worker who suggested them. I completely understand different groups needing different specialised care aimed at specific issues. Please don't misunderstand me. I don't begrudge them this but I don't understand why they might need self contained more than me. I understand separate refuges specifically for minority groups because of different experiences. Perhaps because they, like me, might be exposed to more isolation than other women? I feel I'm in a similar experience if it's that. I've also made the local one even more angry. I mentioned not wanting a particular (shared facility) refuge in an area known for very enthusiastic adoption of self ID. I'm sorry if people hate me but I really don't want to share with self ID gender set up. Although obviously I'm also scared to share fullstop.

Really sorry for that ramble. I just let all the upset out and should have thought before I typed. I need to stop posting for a bit. Hopefully I can get through all this and come back if I need to when calmer.

I really really hope you stay safe and well, Wolfie. Same to all of you.

You must go outside. You must continue with the freedom programme.
You would know if you had uncontrolled diabetes surely? Do you suffer with health anxiety?
He’s clearly destroyed your self confidence. You can rebuild it. But not whilst you stay stuck where you are. You’re at much less threat from strangers who self ID than a man who has actually threatened to kill you and has hurt you.

Plantlife We’re all just carrying on, it’s the flu. It was a lovely day today, tomorrow doesn’t look too bad. Get out for a walk. Set yourself a mission and do it. Until you can set yourself a task and stick to it you’ll get nowhere. It’s so much easier to find an excuse not to but it gets you precisely nowhere.

Honestly, if you actually got out and engaged with the world you’d give your brain a rest from concocting all those horror stories. One of the things that has kept me going in my darkest hours is the thought that I’m not going down that easily. Where’s your fight woman?

I had a lovely walk today. Big girl in season so it was toad walking on the pavement. But bright and breezy and lovely out there.
I will wash my hands.
I won’t stop living.

I don't feel like I deserve your kindness. I've failed and it's all my own fault. I should've kept trying. Doctor stuff, I put it in writing and semi sorted. I wish I'd done that sooner instead of panicking. I intended to ask for help from GP but she's off sick still. The helplines don't really understand my health condition. I also have other problems I'm being tested for but it's still in the testing stage, and a few issues that might be due to health condition but could also be injuries/damage from him.

Anyway. Sorry. I'm scared. Seen reports London might be in lockdown from next week. I guess I'm trapped with him for now. I'm scared he'll catch it when he goes to work but I've realised just how awful it will be if and when he works from home. He said it's from next week. I'm scared if his parents get more ill. He'll take it out on me. Sorry, it's my fault. I've had so long to do something about it. He was recently away for a couple of weeks and I wasted that time. I did try though. I called five different refuges in the end. Even tried one with shared (although I truly don't think I could cope) and no places for me.

I guess I just have to hope I can get through the next few weeks if any lockdown or self isolation then if I get through, renew efforts to leave. I really can't face shared. I feel so frightened of it. I rarely see or speak to any human but him. I'm terrified of germs and also of other people even if they're women. I know some women are dangerous. Both my parents were violent, and the horrible local DV woman and the bully receptionist at my old GP make me even more aware of that.

Sorry. I suppose I need an advocate to try to find me a self contained refuge? It's all too late for now because of the virus. Unless I try to go tomorrow? I'll try to get up earlier and call if I'm brave enough.

I really really hope you all continue to stay well, and the pups too.

It's the lottery of who you get they makes it harder. On Monday I spoke to a support worker on a helpline. I know I'm bad at explaining it verbally but she didn't seem to understand my issues. I'd spoken to a different woman last time I called them. She had understood and wanted to help find me somewhere appropriate for me but my phone cut me off. I know it's pathetic and other women do it themselves. I'm struggling though with no RL support and advocacy. It's weird as I think I could do it for someone else but not for myself.

The other place I spoke to on Monday, the local one just didn't seem to understand? They always only ever seem concerned about physical violence. I told them he hadn't been seriously violent for ages and the last time he'd physically touched me was a month ago. They didn't seem to count picking up the bottle to smash on me or kicking and hitting other things in the flat as violence. I didn't think it was violence either but the freedom programme, people here, and other support workers say it is? I think perhaps they just have to prioritise, which is understandable. I'm not the highest risk. It's just fear really? He's so volatile though. I don't know how rational it is of me to fear him going further? The time he was arrested was the first physical violence in ages.

I'm sorry. It's my own fault. If I have to stick to specific needs places than I should've got on with getting help sooner. I'll just have to wait it out with the virus and any possible self isolations and hopefully get through than try again. I suppose the housing association is still a chance for me so all is not lost. It could be a wait though and some of their flats are very close to his workplace.

Sorry for being negative. I'm going to try again tomorrow. Today I was physically unable to do much. It's my health condition. I can only keep trying. If the virus stops things, there's nothing I can do about that but in the meantime I need to keep trying.

You keep saying health condition but not why that should stop you getting out you don’t need to stop trying because of a virus.

Don't kid yourself. You are at risk. Fairly high risk. Just not as high as others potentially which is what that lady wanted to know. Its still all abuse and still all violence and he's unpredictable so you are not safe.

I just read your other thread. It's easy to say from the outside looking in but you need to leave as soon as you can. Whether that's taking shared facility accommodation or not. Health condition or not. Coronavirus or not. You sound so entwined in it and unable to see how urgently you need to get out. But don't beat yourself up about it. That's what abusers do. Wear you down until you apologise to strangers on the Internet for being traumatised and scared of leaving. I wish you the absolute best of luck

Thank you for being so kind. I'm trying not to panic but he's working from home any day now. How can I get away or make phone calls if he's here. He'll still go out so might have a few hours but it's going to be harder. It's also very possible he'll have to selfisolate. Then he'll be here 24/7. I know he'll find it hard and get angry.

I'm sorry. It's my own fault for not trying harder to leave. Please believe me, I admit partly it's been my fears stopping me, but several times over the years I've tried. I was ready mentally and practically in August until the old gp made me housebound. I know I'm lucky Ingot a new GP who read my notes and was trained in my condition. Buy now it's become psychological. For so long I felt trapped indoors, now I ferlike hiding. It's the deep shame I feel about the neighbours. So ashamed.

I read something by a CEO of one London service (not in my area) about the housing crisis impacting on their ability to get experienced support workers (they can't afford to live here). Also the services here are so overwhelmed, I think they see me as not needing extra support like an advocate. I can be articulate (although rambly) and I think they see me as undeserving of help. I'm sorry if this sounds bad, I don't mean to, it's not easy expressing it accurately, but I sort of feel I don't fit their idea of what a victim should be like, like if I can speak well I'm not vulnerable enough or something. Sorry that is so badly explained.

I spoke to two refuges outside London and they were amazing. Understanding people but also seemed to have ability to help (not me, as out of area). Looks like I'd be considered high risk outside of London, but they're too overwhelmed here in London. Perhaps just my borough, which is poor for all support services not just DV. My borough only does the meeting if you've got children. I looked it up. The local DV service, the one that was horrible to me and that only offers support if you go through courts, say on their website they do it as a child protection conference. My area's police also emphasized "not verbal domestic" under their criteria for it. When they've been out, he has physically harmed me (I didn't tell them) but it means when he threatens or kicks/hit furniture the police won't count it as violence. So no wonder they wrote "domestic, no violence" on one of the call out notes they give you. It means I definitely can't call them unless he physically harms me. Obviously I don't want to call them but in emergency I'd have to wait until he hit or kicked me.

It's such a lottery the services provided across the country, what they can offer, and whether the worker is understands and actually cares enough to help advocate for me. I'm so so frightened ending up homeless after refuge, I'm so frightened of shared refuge, and definitely rather he killed me than be in a non specialist hostel/B&B mixed in with ex-offenders, people with drug or alcohol problems, violent men (and women). Please don't think I'm being a snob. People have had bad life situations and (like me, in a different way) take bad decisions. They still deserve help. It's just obviously inappropriate accommodation for anyone I'd swap one awful unsafe option for a different but equally unsafe one. Sorry. I'm even frightened of any refuge, just scared to leave. Especially in such uncertain times with the virus and effects on support services and benefits system. People will be off sick, services under even more pressure. Benefits could be delayed even longer than usual if staff sick. It's not a time to be vulnerable, possibly with no money just for food when food banks are maybe not as full and volunteers off sick.

I don't know if I should keep trying to call today. Haven't got through yet. He could be back before I'm able to leave. They always tell me If have to leave immediately that day with no time to prepare mentally or practically. I keep seeing other people's experiences where they've been given a refuge space a day or two in advance so maybe I'm just unlucky.

I need to stop rambling. I'm so sorry! Please ignore the above post. Rambled panicked unreasonable selfpitying fears. Sorry.

So my main immediate fear is how to leave or make calls if he's working from home? He's due back any time soon. Also might be safer staying a few weeks? Bad time to be vulnerable..Benefits staff might be off sick so long delays, meaning no food, and foodbanks probably low stocks whilst panic buying going on, and their volunteers could be off sick/selfisolating. Not sure what to do.

I know it's spoilt and difficult of me. I just can't cope with shared accommodation. I'm sorry, I know this is disgusting to say, but I'd rather he killed me. I haven't even managed to leave my flat for weeks. I've been so isolated for so long and I'm terrified. Think the period housebound made me lose touch with reality. Now easier to hide here. Terrified of leaving, if even my own flat (had I got that housing association place). Sharing, I'm too scared of other people in case they're bullies or violent, and also my germ thing, and it really would destroy me sharing with children. I feel so deeply ashamed about not being a mother.

The health condition means I'm still semi housebound so it makes it harder, as I'm more vulnerable, not always the freedom to get out and about spontaneously.

I know I need to be strong. I'm no longer completely housebound so no excuse not to leave. I physically couldn't at one stage. I'm sorry I haven't said exactly what's wrong. I know information here already quite outing but people who used to know me (many are mutual friends) could recognise if I said what it was. Overcautious or paranoid, I'm not sure.

One more thing. Sorry. Just whilst it's all falling out of me. I don't know whether to mention this when they ask about the situation, GP or DV worker. I don't know if it's damage from him or just something else, maybe a health thing. I get pains like period pains but different sometimes and have bladder leaks. Started after he sort of crushed me He's done it a lot. Says he was hugging me but it's really painfully hard and hurts my while lower back. Also he's hit me there a lot. But not hard. It's probably unrelated to him so I don't want to make him sound worse than he is.

You couldn’t make him sound worse than he is. He’s an abuser.
Worse than your physical health seems to be your mental health. You need to address that. It’s not logical to fear being in a refuge more than someone who has threatened to kill you.

I feel guilty as he's being mostly nice, but I'm scared of him. I keep seeing his face as it is when he's been violent.

I think maybe you're right. Maybe I'd cope once I got away. I can't remember what it's like being sort of normal. He's drinking tonight and I'm dreading it. It only seems to sink in to me when things get bad again. The way the local service was, they make me feeling I'm exaggerating. They implied it was mental health anxiety rather than rational fear of him. I have this feeling that he's capable of killing me, but they always make me feel like it's my anxiety. I don't know who's right, my instinct (which could be anxiety) or them. I'll say I'm sacred he'll do something to me. They'll ask what he's done. As soon as I say no actual serious violence to me for a while, they seem to think it's not urgent. They agree fear is hard to live with but it's not a real threat. I think they're right but can't help feeling uneasy like it's not good to wait around.

I'm trying to get through to helpline now. No idea how I'd leave if he's due home any time. Hopefully they can plan something around him working from home. He'll still go out.