Ok, it's abuse. Aiming to be strong.

[plantlife]

I didn't know what to call the new thread. I don't want to be attention seeking. I think if it had my username more people might look thinking it's something else, maybe about plants. So I kept it off the title.

I know it's annoying to need a new thread. I genuinely thought I'd have left when I started the first one.

I don't know if I need much more posts but I think my old thread stops at page 40 so if people don't mind, I can vent and express my fears here. I hope to leave well before this thread gets to long. Thank you again so much for all the kindness and support. I should go to bed and try to take action tomorrow instead of being too scared to do anything.

I'm sorry, so many posts. Scared. It's my own fault for not leaving before. I'm scared of being stuck with him here when he works from home. It's like prison when he's here at weekends and evenings, but I've had so much daytime free. I've wasted it.

With the virus situation especially with health conditions, should I try to wait it out hiding here for a few weeks. Hopefully he'll be mostly ok as he still has to work. Just worry about his parents and his anger around that. I'll just have to let him do whatever he wants, do whatever he wants me to, keep him happy, but just temporarily for a few weeks.

Or do I try to leave asap. I think being vulnerable might be particularly dangerous right now. Delays to benefits if DWP staff off sick, food banks not enough food if people selfisolating, panic buying, etc.

Sorry. Rambling panic. I think all I can do is try to leave as soon as I can but try to plan as much as possible for it.

I do hope you stay well.

You need to be clear.
He’s an abuser.
You’re not safe.
Staying won’t make you safer.

Stop reading things to heighten your over anxiety and focus on what you need to do to get well (freedom programme/get outside) and get safe.

Something needs to change Plant. You are going round in circles. Please stop downplaying his abuse. Get yourself to A&E with or without him. Get yourself checked over. And alert one of the medical team about your other injuries.
You must stop minimising his actions. Occasionally hitting you is physical abuse. Domestic violence. You are watering down your story when you should be truthful.

@plantlife Thinking of you.

Op I've been reading your threads and post for many many months, and I am so sad to see you are still with this man. I hope you can free yourself one day or I fear you will end up dead.

@plantlife - how are you doing...?
Let us know how you are. X

Hoping you’re ok OP.

Oh crikey, I've been following your threads too plantlife and just checked in to see if you'd left yet. I honestly believe all you would have to do is get anyone to read your posts on this thread and your other one too and I'm convinced they would whip you out of there and place you somewhere safe without even a seconds thought. You really don't need to justify your situation to anyone, you just need to find someone who has half an hour to read your highlighted posts in your threads. They will immediately see the issues you are having.
If only you could not worry about where your temporary safe place will be and see it as just a tiny little step to the rest of your life and the freedom you deserve. While you are there you will get stronger and stronger every day not having to worry about this monster who controls everything in your life. And you will be free and able to walk those dogs and get fresh air and make new friends and live the life you deserve.
Sorry for the rant and I'm sure it's all been said before but sod the coronavirus, it's time for you to fly! Go fly your wings plantlife xx

I'm sorry. I didn't want to come back and be negative. I feel dreadful as you've all been so kind. I have tried and tried again to leave. There's not enough safe spaces and I'm low priority on criteria. I don't want to make you angry but I genuinely don't see how a mixed use homeless hostel is any safer than here. I certainly wouldn't cope. In London the support is even more limited. I know you don't believe me.

I wish there was mystery shopping for DV support services. I know I'm extremely frightened and maybe traumatised but I know when someone wants to help (even if they can't) and when they don't. I ended up having semi argument with the London DV place. Not exactly argument but I asked several times for help to leave. She didn't understand me when I said out of desperation I'd thought of lying, saying I was pregnant then having a "miscarriage" once in refuge. I said I wouldn't do that as immoral but she didn't get what I was saying. They gave a few refuge numbers. Places all gone. Last week I even tried a share facility, although as I have health conditions and government advice is self isolate if so, I feel even more I could only cope with self contained. Last week they initially offered to help find me a refuge or other suitable housing. I didn't ask, they offered. We got cut off. When I rang back they backtracked and also said they're meant to be a one off advice service. So I'm not calling them again.

Sorry rambling. This is why I stayed away from posting. He's scared about the virus and so is angry. He's working from home so I can only call services or leave when he's out for walks. At this stage, I can only just try to ride it out. Probably trapped in London anyway as my fears of a lockdown here look like they might happen. I understand why. London is the worse hit. Nowhere else will want me coming and possibly infecting them, and anyway the mayor has said transport will be cut down. I'll try to find a space out of London and perhaps if it's self contained they won't worry about me infecting them. He's not being physical so I just have to deal with his unpleasantness. I can't go outside with him in but I'll do home exercises. I worry about him too. He's not in the best health and I'm scared we'll have an argument and then that's the last time we speak if one of us gets it.

I so hope you all stay safe.

I'm so sorry for that long self pity rant. I know I have to pick myself up and keep trying. I know out of London I'd hopefully get help and somewhere safe. I just don't know if it's too late because of the virus. I'll try to call the national number when he's out tomorrow. Sorry, Perinono. I posted before I saw your post. I know you're right and I wish I'd emailed my thread to the (non London) places for help. It's my own fault for putting it off if the virus means it's too late. I was so upset about making it final and I worry if I email my other thread, they'll involve the police. I still sorry about him and wanted to leave without that. Anyway I'll call down and try to get my head together. I was extra rambly in my last post as he was awful earlier and when he was out I had the awful call with the London service.

You need to do whatever it takes to stay safe. In the long term that may mean making hard decisions and facing up to fears.
But we won’t be angry. And we DO believe you.
This is YOUR Thread. Post what you like whenever you like.
And stay safe.

Nobody could read your posts and not believe you.... it is clear as day what has been happening to you and plain for all to see that you need rescuing immediately. Show your posts to anyone who will read them.

@plantlife - Glad to discover you're still with us - albeit in tricky circumstances.

Just remind me why you don't want the police involved? Is it because he convinced them YOU were the problem? I tell you, if he hurts you physically in any way, you call 999. Without hesitation. Promise...?

Plant - do you have a Kindle? I've downloaded a really good book thats making a lot of sense to me...

Can't seem to link but its called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

Thank you for being so kind. I know it's my fault for not having the courage to leave. Even if the London support is bad there's other places I should have tried out of London. I think I'm stuck now. Can't call police. He's persuaded them it's me being mentally ill, but even if they believed I'd then be homeless. I'm sorry I know you think I'm being difficult and spoilt. There isn't housing even women with children are put in unsuitable dangerous places. If emergency and the police, I could end up in a hostel where men who've been bailed after a DV arrest are also put up. If they're considered vulnerable like drug addiction or mental health. I'm safer here. Better one dangerous person than several. The situation in London is particularly bad. The support services, especially after today, really don't care. A few do but they can't do anything as it's about funding. I appreciated their honesty though. At least they were sympathetic unlike the other place. Even if I could afford the rent on my own, the landlord doesn't want anyone on benefits. Also he'd know where I was and I don't think I'd feel safe.

Anyway it's all my own fault. He wants to visit his parents. He'd be going on the tube and trains to get there. The government is saying if you have an underlying condition to self isolate. I'm scared he'll catch it and bring it back to me. I don't want him to get it either though. I feel no safe way out. If I'm meant to self isolate and can't drive, I can't get to any refuge. I'll try to sleep in it and see what I think I can do tomorrow. Maybe I'm panicking. He's being so nice again and hasn't physically hurt me for ages. I'm probably safer staying put for now and just trying to ignore nasty rants from him.

Thank you for the book recommendation.

You are panicking and you’re not better off where you are.
Can you speak to your GP?

Are you on FB, @plantlife?

You can contact the UK Domestic Violence through that. I follow - Don't Look Back. They are a very useful resource.

Thinking about what you said... How long will he be away at this parents? That gives you a huge window of opportunity to get out.

Keep trying - make a nuisance of yourself...

Sorry I know it's my fault for not going sooner. GP has been off sick for few weeks. Tried twice with two different ones. They just didn't seem to understand although obviously they're very busy at the moment. My sleeping pill medication was delayed, pharmacy says they're exceptionally busy, so I'm running out. Halving them but not sleeping. I've been awake until 6am twice this week. Then too exhausted to physically move and mentally think. I wanted prescription in advance to avoid this but they said they'd be no delays. They admit it now so hopefully I'll get advance of all my medication during the virus crisus.

Sorry know that sounds irrelevant but it's not. I'm too exhausted to do anything about leaving. My physical health flares up when tired. It's being sorted but it's all the time wasted. I've found doctors have generally made things do much worse because of this sort of thing. The regular GP when she's back, I trust but with the virus being particularly bad in London I'm not sure what she can do. I'll speak to her though. Hope she's ok also.

I was thinking that too ByeByeMissAmericanPie it's a good chance to leave. But not sure possible? The news was saying how London was particularly bad with the virus and the prime minister asked Londoners to pay special attention to the advice including self isolating if underlying conditions and no travel if possible. I always expected it would be worse here so it's my fault for not getting out whilst I could. Don't know how to leave now. I definitely won't share facilities now because of my health conditions putting me at higher risk. Even if I find somewhere self contained, they won't want someone from the worse hit area virus wise. I don't even know how I'd get there. I'd have to use public transport and surely that puts me at risk? Anyway sorry. I'm too tired to think straight today. I suppose I've pretty much been awake all night. Probably didn't help that we had awful shouting match yesterday. He was so horrible but I should've ignored it. I ended up shouting back. I didn't call him names or anything but actually I suppose I did. I called him an abuser. I know how stupid. So now I feel even more ashamed about the neighbours. Some of them are in all day now, probably self isolating. Anyway I'll try to ignore the shame and go outside tomorrow. It's been weeks. Too exhausted today to try.

Sorry again for rambling. I think I should go away for a bit. I wanted to stop doing repetitive rambling posts. I know how annoying and unreadable it is. I do so hope you all stay safe and well.

Sorry forgot. I'm not in Facebook. Don't want to risk being on social media and I know he'd look at it and we have mutual friends. Also I'm too ashamed to be on it. The state of my life and me. I suppose I could set up an account wuth a fake name just to look at that DV thing you mention ByeByeMissAmericanPie but then they might think I'm dodgy, someone with no posting history, no friends, etc. They might think I'm an abuser trying to track down someone? I'll see if I can join anyway.

Sorry again for the rambling self pity. So tired I'm not thinking straight. I'll try to do something about it all once medication sorted and I've had some proper sleep. Thank you for being so kind and trying to help. I know I've been difficult especially with my fear of sharing and of leaving fullstop. I may try to lie down now. I'm so tired.

See if you can get your meds sorted, and use the time he's away productively. I too, have sleeping pills, but only take them once or twice a week. I try and go to sleep listening to meditation stuff on You Tube instead.

Have you finished the Freedom Programme?
Google Rachel Williams - Stand up to Domestic Abuse. She's the one who posts stuff on FB - she has a blog, and gives her background story. Maybe that might put a bit of 'fire in your belly'...?! Her story is a real eye opener.

@plantlife Please let us know you’re ok plant. I know you can’t do much at the moment.

@plantlife We all hope you’re doing okay. Get some fresh air- even if it’s just at an open window.

Thank you so much for thinking of me. It's weird that there's a kind of lockdown now. I'm sort of used to it I suppose but it feels weirder now it's sort of compulsory. I've got the windows open for air. I know I can't leave for now but I'm going to try to plan what to do when things hopefully get better. I'm trying not to panic about the virus. I've sorted things out I think hopefully with the doctor so that's good. Thank you again. I really really hope you are all ok and stay well.

I’m sorry you are stuck there for now. Please use the time to plan. Stay safe.

That’s great that you’ve sorted things with the doctor. Is your nice doctor back at work ? You said she was off sick.

Thank you so much for being so kind and thinking of me. I feel I let everyone and myself down by not leaving sooner but I know I can't go back in time. I also feel guilty about saying anything about him when there's the virus. I don't want anything to happen to him. I'm trying to stay calm and not panic. Trying to plan for when hopefully things are better again for everyone. I know services will be even more underfunded after all this with probably extra people needing help so I'm trying to use any time I can to work out if there's any way I can get myself out of the situation. I'm also trying not to panic about the virus. I think I made the doctor angry. She's back and I talked for too long but she's probably just very busy and stressed at the moment. She was nice but I felt paranoid I'd annoyed her. She's probably so overwhelmed being a doctor with the virus going on. Anyway sorry for rambling. The whole virus situation has made me realise how much I need to be strong when I get a chance to leave. I've decided I will call police in an emergency but hopefully won't need to. He's being ok at the moment. Thank you all again for helping me when I needed it. I feel a bit stronger, maybe the situation had helped me realise you have to take risks sometimes. I really really hope you all stay well.