So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

[BrownSugarBabe]

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

yeah. i'm a manipulative bitch. i'd love to come tomorrow btw.

The responsiblity for the others happiness in marriage is of equal importance though sophable. To do something that will destroy the other's happiness for the sake of your own is just as bad as to sacrifice your own for the sake of the other person. It's supposed to be equal. And you have to take your partner for granted to a certain extent - if I didn't feel I could take my DH's love and commitment for granted I would never have felt able to have children with him. It is, or should be, a given. It's not a question of 'ownership' but ultimate trust.

KM,my lips are sealed regardless of who her DH is or isn't.

My 1st husband left me in similar circumstances. I had known ex PIL for 10 yrs and DD was their only grandchild. But for them blood was thicker than water and they never wanted to stay in touch with me nor DD. I think OP MIL sounds like a good moral person who stuck with the person who needed her and who was innocent - ie grandchild. Lets face it if Mother of grandchild wasn't treated well by MIL then she would not have been able to see her Grandchild. That said I cannot imagine not seeing my DD even if she ended up as a horrible person.

where are you going tomorrow? soph/cd?

No sophable he didn't leave her for me but no doubt some other girl/woman who was gullible I just didn't want to be the one and maybe end up being like the poor wife. He didn't come from my town so I didn't know anything of his history at first but found out thank God.

No, it probably wasn't all blissful but then again plenty of men have their cake and eat it? He could've been trotting back to her? I'll never know? And I wouldn't have been this scarlett woman stealing another woman's man but I'd have felt such guilt because I have some morales. Plus at 17 I could've been gullible but luckily wasn't. Friends at the time said I was stupid but they were young too and would think differently now as women (I hope).

Hi all

No sugarfree we are deffo not from where you are from. But doesn't this go to show the situation is something that's not a one off?

I have talked to DH about this thread and will show him later the responses - but his view was - well girl, what do you expect - he had the same sorts of discussions before with (female) work mates.

I have to smile when I read the insults hurled at DH on this thread. Because really, he is one of the most mild mannered, mellow, unassuming, people you could meet - and he is painted as some kind of superstud on heat or something. This pervasive stereotype of someone one can't keep it in their trousers, will go on to do it to me, etc etc well - that's not the person I can see right now out of the window, pruning the hedges and playing with DS in the garden.

So he refuses too? Are you sure?

A friend of mine's exdh sounds just like yours BSB. Although he did want her to holiday with his mistress, her kids and his son She's now happily living in Australia so he did her a favour, he's not so happy so I've heard.

Quattro - "toxic dynamic", ie, ex-partners restrictions on where and when and how DH could see SD, ex's, MIL's and SIL's behaviour towards DH, during visits (yes, understandably) made it impossible for visits to continue. Really. An impasse had been reached with DH refusing to go into a territory where he had been physically attached by ex in front of his then one year old child while his own mother did nothing to stop it and where she refused to allow DH to take the baby to our house(and actually so would I have done in that situation) FWIW.

beetroot.... 'er 'ouse

oh I wanna come - dh aaway so bloody can't.

why don't you and er come to me soon???

Bsb,I know you are not where I am.I'm not in Scotland,and as far as I'm aware,neither are you.I asked if Dh is from Scotland originally.
If you say no,that is fair enough,I'd really rather you weren't the people I'm thinking of tbh.

So hatrick, supposing we were work colleagues, and we got on OK, as DH gets on with his colleagues. ANd you'd socialised with us and seen us and been to our home, or your DH played golf with my DH, but basically you had been with us and seen that we were, ahem, "normal", and then found out our "dark secret" - would you not talk to us anymore? Would you stop your children playing with our children?

Yeah Speccy, I get you - he's having it away with his PA, but doing gardening and stuff like that and having been home from 5.30 is just a trick to fool me that he's OK and loves me and won't cheat on me./ OK fine.

not infeasible imo

How strange is this thread?

The OP being the OW was hardly mentioned, if at all on the thread she refers to. In fact I posted on it without even realsing that might have been the case!

She got a hard time over her treatment of her SD, not because she was the OW, however the thread eventually turned around and for the most part ended pleasantly.

In fact here it is - just so you can see for yourselves

the original thread

I've only skimmed the thread but

a) I've had relationships with a couple of married men but in my defence it was in my slapperish youth and I really didn't see myself as the evil other woman since I wasn't the married one. And I do think MEN/married parties deserve villifying in these scenarios - they too rarely are

b) I now think I was utterly morally wrong to have these relationships. But I actively didn't want a proper relationships and so chose men who couldn't have them for a while, saddo I know

c) I heard "she doesn't understand me" and "we don't have sex" (yeah, right) and and I didn't believe any of them. But then I was a twenty something with committment issues

d) It made me fairly cynical about men and how often, or not, as the case may be, they turn down no strings sex. Not v often at all in my considerable experience.

e) Anyone who marries a man who was first with them while being unfaithful to his wife should remember what (I think)the loathsome Jimmy Goldsmith said: "when a man marries his mistress it creates a vacancy."

I feel quite huffily moral about this these days, to the extent that I ditched a friend a couple of years ago because I so disapproved of her five yr relationship with a married man with 2 small children. He stringed her along for most of her childbearing years but my sympathies were with his wife, not my friend.

I'm really not proud of this in my past either. Goes to show how one's views can change with age. (please don't hate me for admitting this, I'm really not proud of it, quite ashamed in fact)

Agree totally with Twiglett. And also, don't be surprised if the same thing happens to you....My first husband left me for another woman (luckily no children involved). He then proceeded to have an affair and child with yet another woman while with the woman he left me for. The majority of men/women I have met who have have left a marriage for someone else continue to exhibit the same immoral behavior. No sympathy for your behavior from me. And certainly a lot of blame for your inability to make bridges between your child and his grandmother and aunts. Truly evil in my opinion to create a divide because of your bad behavior.
People make mistakes, but hopefully they own up to them at some point and feel a little remorse. Doesn't seem to be the case with you.