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Original poster

So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

478 replies

BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 09:37

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

OP posts:
BeatrootandBenedick · 05/06/2007 14:35

CD - god I have just remembered - so did I (this is another one) sad really as he was a great mate and have nowlost touch with him

Heathcliffscathy · 05/06/2007 14:35

in answer to OP, haven't read the rest, no you are not an evil homewrecker.

imo they do not exist.

relationships are complex and there is never a pure victim/pure perpetrator.

I hate the mentality that comes up with phrases such as 'evil homewrecker' tbh, it is simplistic and frankly a bit thick.

oliveoil · 05/06/2007 14:35
BeatrootandBenedick · 05/06/2007 14:36

I only hope that they don't tell you if it ever happens soupy

Heathcliffscathy · 05/06/2007 14:36

CD you evil homewrecking cow.

serenity · 05/06/2007 14:36

Actually I can see why the MIL and SIL have no relationship with BSB. The Ex has been part of their family for nigh on 20 years, the first 13 of which she was with BSBs DH. The DH did something pretty crappy, and they sided/supported the Ex and saw BSB as the enemy. They don't know her, and have no desire to, maybe they feel it would be a betrayal of the Ex - things obviously still rankle (getting married so quickly didn't help, a tad insensitive maybe) We don't know how involved they've been in supporting the Ex, in helping her raise her children, maybe they feel he's betrayed them too. Tbh if my brother did something like this, he wouldn't be the man I thought he was and I don't know if things would be the same between us.

NKF · 05/06/2007 14:36

Sophable - it was the original poster's phrase.

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 14:37

so we are all slappers really
not evil homewreckers

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 14:37

nono
I AM A SLAPPER
I wrecked no homes
(fortunately)

FioFio · 05/06/2007 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BeatrootandBenedick · 05/06/2007 14:37

yes slapper may the right phrase - fun though being a slapper while it lasted.

Heathcliffscathy · 05/06/2007 14:38

yes, but i don't think she believes that she is it does she? and I expect she has taken that phrase from the way that she is received on other threads tbh.

i hate that women think it is ok to call with 'tarts' and 'whores' and god knows what else because they have 'stolen' (yeah, right) a man. ffs.

WelshBoris · 05/06/2007 14:38

"in my defense I was very young, it was a threesome and he started it"

PMSL

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 14:39

there si a diff i think
slappers fuck and move on
homewreckers hang around and screw up lives
(if indeed there is such a thing as soph says)

tinymum · 05/06/2007 14:41

"Slappers fuck and move on"

LOL I like it

Desiderata · 05/06/2007 14:42

I seem to wreck every home I've ever had

But I guess that's more of a house-keeping issue.

Loubie37 · 05/06/2007 14:42

Hmmm to me it sounds like you think that because you've been inseperable for 7 years that your marriage is 100% safe. I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. I was with my ex-husband for 12 years before he had his affair. And we were happy, very happy I would say, for the majority of that time. We had 2 children together and would chat about what we would do when they grew up, or when we retired etc. And he would say things like 'promise me you'll never leave me' etc etc. And then SHE turned up in our lives. He was seeing her on and off for 3 years. I knew more or less from the beginning but he kept promising me that he'd made a mistake and that it was me and the kids he wanted. And I certainly wasn't going to hand him to her on a plate. But when I found out for the 3rd time that he was seeing her again I gave up. I just couldn't put myself (or the children who were by then 10 and 8) through it anymore. So we split up and he moved in with her. At the time I thought my life was over. If it wasn't for the children it may well have been. There were times when I wished I'd lost him because he'd died as at least then I'd have lost him with dignity (although I must hasten to add those feelings were purely selfish ones, I wouldn't want the kids to be without their dad at all).

I'm not saying it will be like this for you BSB - I really hope it won't be as I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (well, apart from on ex H and his wife ). But please don't be too complacent....afterall, he's done it before....

bedfordrascal · 05/06/2007 14:59

My brother left his wife after an affair. When I met his girlfriend I told her: 'if he will cheat on his wife with you, he will one day cheat on you with somebody else'. He did! We tend to blame the women, and the men get off scot free. i've been on the receiving end of an affair, and would never do it to anyone, but I still think men get an easy time of it.

Blu · 05/06/2007 15:00

I agree completely with Serenity.

DP was married when we got (back) together. I knew he was not happy - he knew he wanted to be with me, and that I was single. The thing is - he finished his marriage, separated and began divorce proceedings, and THEN spoke to me and asked if there was any chance of resuming our relationship.

Had he tried or asked before, I would not have contemplated it. Who wants to be someone else's insurance policy, backstop or get-out clause?

NKF · 05/06/2007 15:03

Re: the homewrecking question (the OP's word), that can be the case. I have a friend whose husband is determined to sell the marital home so he can have enough money for his new life with his new love. If he's successful, the children will have to leave the only house they've ever lived in. That is homewrecking.

lucyellensmum · 05/06/2007 15:05

brown sugar babe, i don't think you are an evil other woman, however it worries me when people make comments like "if he were happy at home"....it makes it sound like the previous womans fault. What about the man???

What really worries me is this though, my DP and i have been together for 15 years (tomorrow) and have been going through a bad patch, well more like a bad fucking quilt for the past few years, i hate to admit, since DD was born. It probably is my fault, im neurotic and deppresive. We had the perfect relationship, people thought, and still do that we were forever. Now im not so sure - so its great to know that out there somewhere there could be someone waiting to take him from me and take advantage of the fact that he is not happy at home, i know he isnt and i know its my own fault, but it wont stop me from scrathing the eyes out of any bitch who tries. So of course, now i have yet another thing to worry about, is he going to look for the old me in someone else? its catch 22, now im insecure and possesive, before i would have bet my life on him only having eyes for me.

KerryMum · 05/06/2007 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bozza · 05/06/2007 15:07

On the building bridges front, I think blaming the MIL and SIL for not coming to the wedding is a bit disingenous. Given that it was only 4 months after the split they presumably felt the need to support the single mother of their 6mo grandchild. That does not mean that nothing can be done ever after.

And you say that not all grandmothers are the grey haired knitting type. How the hell do you know what type of grandmother your DS has, since you have never met her?

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 15:08

no

OrmIrian · 05/06/2007 15:41

In 7 years have either side many any attempt to patch things up BSB. 7 years is a hell of a long time. It could come from either side surely. Like bozza says it's not really surprising that MIL didn't come to the wedding given the timing. Does that mean any relationship has to be written off?

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