So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

[BrownSugarBabe]

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

IMHO the answer to OP is yes.

From the initail post, no, but I think this thread ahs heated up since then

Message withdrawn

I think one of the reasons that women are so hard on the OW is because we expect more from women.
And yes her dh, if not a total wanker certainly behaved like one.

Oh dear is all i can think to add

I don't really think I would be tripping over myself to make friends with either of them tbh.

Can't you, won't you try to mend the "toxic dynamic"?

There hasn't been any discussion on a father being "caused" to be estranged from his daughter for a period of five years. The way the OP is phrased it sounds as though DH was mainly responsible for this and pleading self-justification through the "toxic dynamic".

As a parent, you must be saddened to see this. Is there really nothing you can do to fix it?

BSB I know things aren't always black and white in relationships,believe me I've just experienced a split from dh, but you seem to be looking through a veil if you expect women to be reasonable towards you with regard to the end of your husbands marriage. I would imagine the family felt as if someone had stabbed them in the heart and his ex as if hers had been ripped out. You say you care about her?
Sorry but as a 17 year old girl I fell for a man, gorgeous, great personality, fireman in the RAF....then found out he had a wife and baby. He wanted to leave her and I said hit the road. Cried buckets as you can imagine,but the thought of taking a man from his wife and baby made me feel sick. Of course I got the usual crap but wouldn't do it and even at that young age I told him to sort his life out and not be so selfish.

But having said all that, I left dh in December and begun a relationship straight away. So I probably deserve some scorn although I couldn't leave dh as he was going through major stress (work/financial) but we had no physical contact and didn't sleep together. I'd wanted to leave him for over a year but couldn't do it to him. He's still going through stress with work but we are friends, which is what we were for years anyway. He seems to have realised how much he is to blame too as he didn't touch me.

I think if you want to heal any rift you have to take some blame and admit you did something shameful. No matter how you dress it up a man who's partner was pg left her for you. So he'd been having sex then hadn't he? To get her pg?
I hope you both go to a lot of effort and try to undo some of this pain that's been caused as if not children will suffer.

BSB this happened over seven years go but you being defensive (naturally) to me shows that you haven't laid this to rest youself. If I were you I would accept that these type of situations are judged because of th amount of hurt which is involved all round no matter who is in the wrong or right. You are not the other woman anymore you are the wife... Really would strongly suggest doing what you can to mend burned bridges between your dh and his family.

Haven't read the whole thread but some of the details from you BSB are making me think I know (of) you.
Does your Dh come from Scotland and have initials C.M?

You're not going to say if those details are right are you BSB?
In case I know stuff that would make uncomfortable reading for you.

Brownsugarbabe and Sugarfree, this is getting more bizarre by the minute

Quite CD.

are you related?
I just wondered because of the sugar connection

Ah! No,CD and she won't know me at all.

ooh how intriguing
do tell...

did he 'leave her for you'? ulysses?

is that how it works, that men leave women for other women, as if, if the other woman hadn't come along all was bliss?

and as for 'he wasn't happy at home'....well OBVIOUSLY NOT but how does that equate with him leaving being the 'fault' of his wife???? of course it doesn't.

the whole premise of these assumptions lies in marriage being some kind of ownership whereby each party takes responsibility for the others happiness and none for their own.

marriage, like any important, long term relationship, takes work and is not a smooth linear journey. Oftentimes it doesn't work, sometimes it does. I hate the whole 'other woman stealing man' BS as much as I hate 'men are shits', 'women are manipulative' etc etc.

come to this late but re soupy's disowning.

I know a person who disowned her son when he left his wife and children for another woman (now married with kids of their own). Never sent him a birthday card or Christmas card and as the other woman was named after a brand of cakes she wouldn't even buy those cakes again - I kid you not!

It took my mate (his db to drag them together albeit several years down the road). I still don't think she's happy about the situation but at least has rebuilt some sort of a relationship with her son.

ooh sophable you are so manipulative