So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

[BrownSugarBabe]

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

I remember the step parent thread now. It was so incredibly depressing I didn't read it all.

BrownSugarBabe, I have no strong views on this as I think any break up is too complex for outsiders to judge who is the most innocent. It's good that you and your dh are happy together - for at least two of the people involved in the split, the decision was worth it.

Although it would be great to say that your happiness is proof of the moral rightness of your dh leaving his partner, I am not so sure happiness and moral rightness equate. This is not meant personally. I'd be happy if I won the lottery, but that wouldn't make it morally right for me to have that money.

So it may be futile to convince your inlaws of your happiness together in the hope this tactic will make them accept you into the fold. I think your dh will have to find other ways of getting his mother to relent and accept. (Sorry I have skim read some of your thread so am being a bit vague and hope this makes sense).

I think you are brave to post on mumsnet and you've started an interesting debate. You have obviously accepted you will get all sorts of views on this and few converts. I do think some of the negative posts have been heavy handed, but suspect you can take it on the chin

Purpose of this thread was not to repeat the other thread which is why I said some things on this one that I did not say on the other and vice versa.

I had to laugh at the reponse that someone would not be tripping over themselves to be friends with us! When you meet someone do you automatically know their life story or insist on knowing it before you decide whether they will make suitable friends for you or do you take these people at face value - as our friends do. The people that know us accept the situation we are in - we are not social pariah's. If all of our friends fit neatly into little boxes of how things should be, I imagine life would be pretty boring.

In fact this thread is pretty boring now.

I'm off to drink wine with DH and enjoy the rest of my evening.

"So if you ignore your partner, don't communicate, don't share your thoughts and feelings, exclude him from your life, act as if they don't exist or don't need to be there, basically stopped being their friend and soulmate."

and how easy it is for the OW to be all these & point out how useless the wife is - regardless of the fact the wife is knackered & trying to cope with a new baby

havent read entire thread as have been at work but you make me so
so easy for you to believe all the above but never to think that if u'd stepped away, he could have either tried to make his marriage work & fix things or left his wife & when single come to you

I have a friend whose husband left when she was 5 mths pregnant with their 2nd. I have no respect for the OW cos how she justified in her head "we dont get on but manage to love each other to get pregnant"....

men very rarely have an affair & stop shagging the wife - and I wonder how many men actually choose to leave or are kicked out? like I said, my H spent 2 hours crying on my bed the day he left - "what will I do?" he sobbed..."you should have thought of that" I said...he went str to her & we'd only been back from a weeks holiday abroad - did she think we argued the whole time[hmmm]probably as he is a convincing liar

possibly boring, but also decent and honerable and trustworthy. And for the last three I will cope with a little boredom.

I see BSB's gone, so I dunno who I'm talking to, but I really want to respond from the pov of the evil homewrecker

1. DH and I were both married to other people and left our spouses for each other. We didn't actually have an affair before we ended our previous relationships, but I'm not getting technical - I know fine that it was a betrayal and I never thought I was that sort of person tbh - I do see myself as a 'moral' person, whatever that means

2. We didn't have any kids with former partners, and I really don't think either of us would have left if there were children involved (I know I would have run a mile if DH had had a small baby)

3. Despite knowing it was the right decision for dh and me, I'm well aware that it was selfish and years later I still feel regret and guilt EVERY DAY about what I did to my ex-h and his ex-w - I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, what they had to go through

4. Dh's mum had major issues over what he had done and how his ex-w had been treated, and he worked really hard to build bridges with her - big part of it was freely admitting that he'd been wrong and he wasn't proud of it

BSB's attitude throughout, in terms of defending her position, is a bit odd imo, and I'd never start a thread like this in a month of sundays. Also I think there are more or less ideal ways to deal with the fall out of these situations... a bit of humility never goes amiss

I think though that we can all turn round & say we've done things that were wrong in the past
I myself havent been faithful BUT when I married my H, I made a committment & further to that we had children.
For me, the point about affairs is when children are involved.

the step parenting issue is hard enough without complicating it with "wronged parties"

I think that OP should concentrate on building relationship between SD & also with her DH's family. She was silly IMO asking for people to say she wasnt in the wrong for going with a married man with a young child

MM, here, here!

I always laugh my arse off that these women are stupid enough to buy the married guy's lies.

'We never sleep together anymore.'

'She doesn't understand me.'

'After she had kids (that HE fathered) she just went off me entirely, stopped all communication, sex, etc.'

'I sleep on the couch/in the spare bedroom/etc.'

'I left her.' (when she kicked him out on his kiester).

i think children are the defining issue here. I've slept with a married man, he left her for me, then me for her, then her for her. when i met him he didn't have any children and of course his wife didn't understand him. I was relatively young and wide eyed and believed him.

three children down the line and the goddam tedium of marital life, bringing up small children helped him justify looking elsewhere.

In my personal experience, no they don't change. i don't regret what i did because he had no previous children and he is the father of my three. I would have changed the way we split up because he didn't have the balls to tell me, i had to find out for myself. it isn't pleasant. It wasn't easy telling out six year old daughter why daddy wasn't living with us anymore.

I didnt doubt for a minute that i could rebuild my life and provide for my children when he left. I consider myself an extremely moral person with the benefit of maturity. i have never and would never sleep with a married man if they had children because you are complicit in him spreading his seed and widening his oat sowing.

if you come back OP. when you slept together for the first time, what did you do about contraception? because I tend to think that men who have children who fuck around aren't just saying their oh isn't good enough. - if they don't use contraception they're saying they don't care if they impregnate the other woman and have more children to 'improve' on the wife and children they already have.

sperm upgrade if you will.

she was probably on the pill
my H didnt want more children (at the time) but wasnt worried about spreading STDs between us all
thankfully I didnt catch anything

what annoys me most about affairs is that the OW believes whatever the H says....I clearly remember a BBQ 3 months b4 I found out about the affair & my H told a friend "never say never" to more than 2 children. We had 2 at the time & I remember feeling thrilled at the prospect of having another child because we were still having sex....now I look back at that memory with sadness cos clearly H was thinking he might have another child with his mistress

Men often spin their wives lies too. When they're found out, it's all "she came onto me" and "it was just sex". If they want to stay in the family that is.

dont worry Kerrymum!
Ive got over that & 18 months on, my H did me the biggest favour having an affair & being a spineless tw@t

'my H didnt want more children (at the time) but wasnt worried about spreading STDs between us all'

amen to my herpes. a nice little reminder. '' makes it a little more difficult to find another bloke when you've just about recovered from the infidelity trauma .

Indeed - my friend who got pregnant by the work colleague who lived with someone else - what was he thinking? "I'll cheat on my girlfriend and won't bother to take any responsibility for the contraception, it'll all be fine"? He has said to my friend since her gorgeous ds was born "he should never have been born". As far as I am concerned (a) there is no worse thing to say to a parent and (b) if he was that arsing concerned about it he should have done something to prevent it happening. (She was on the pill but apparently got the times mixed up on a long flight to the Far East - dunno if I entirely believe that but it's beside the point).

My feeling was, surely if you're going to cheat on your girlfriend, at least have the common decency not to give her the clap as well.

We have all done things we regret. But the point is, we do regret them. And I notice that - despite me asking a number of times - BSB has not answered my question "you would think it was alright, then, if dh did sleep with someone else, it would indicate the marriage wasn't working and good luck to him?".

I do not wish these people any ill, what would be the point? I don't know them, and I do know (rather surprisingly) lots of people who've done similar-ish things; they are my friends, I love them, I accept them for what they are, flaws and all. It's the intransigent stance that she (and he) did nothing wrong that foxes me - and which I am sure is the barrier to reconciliation with his family. Very sad.

Good for you, MM. I remember when it was all happening and well played to you for coming out the other side a happier and stronger woman and mum!

it hasnt been easy and still have bad times BUT I realise that I deserve better than a weak man who did nothing round the house, nothing with the children

have a new partner who is just fab. he treats me like a princess and is 100% involved with my kids which is great

AND I have my 3rd child - he has custody of his 10yr DD and while its hard, wouldnt swap it for the world...and slowly realising that she is just a normal 10yr hormonal girl...who likes me
3rd child without giving birth
and I can swap makeup when I forget my lipstick LOL

Well this is what you said - and it isn't at all true

"I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me."

and

" The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view." which isn't true either - you got no reaction at all on that thread!

Were we supposed to ask the question and casts judgement on the original thread? Were you disappointed that no one asked, so started this one instead?

Sheesh!

actually, ive just read the original thread, am i an evil step mother, yes, she fecking well is, selfish cow - i'm sorry but that little girls behaviour is because she feels abandoned by her daddy and then is expected to play nicely when she is allowed to visit. Poor wee soul.

Have only got as far as original post on the other thread and here is "my reasoning is that when she is here it is like a family unit, whereas her mum is a single parent" so poor step-daughter finds it hard to relate because her mum is a single parent .. because dad did a runner?!