Gin and a moat

[paxillin]

Not by one of the Queens this time... But we can drink here.

Because Christmas crackers are everywhere in June and paper is the height of fashion?

A flammable crown? I wouldn't ignite it on purpose but accidents happen.

Braid your hair into a crown? A kingdom full of fire breathers and alcohol seems ill advised.

I don't want to end up looking like happy.

And that's just a hairstyle, not a crown!

It's what keeps us safe pax. The enemies of the queendom have deemed us too much of a fire hazard to be worth bothering with. We haven't passed a health and safety assessment in years

The heat! We need a pool.

Excellent idea. Give the plans to the mole rats.

Just bury some more spuds where you want the pool, ma'am. They're getting on with the job well, stopped whinging about the heat when they realised I could make it hotter. .

The sunshine suits me very well of course - I can fly much faster after a good bask, so have replenished your supplies of gin, and to prevent dehydration and scurvy have also acquired large quantity of tonic and a bag of limes and lemons. Can I suggest you slice those before you start on the gin, for your own safety (where's the executioner when you need her?). You need salt too, so I got crisps and peanuts.

Wouldn't it be lovely if dragons could switch from fire breathing to water breathing in summer? Imagine the lovely fountains and rainbows we could have!

Maybe we should get a water dragon, switch them out depending on season.

Oooh, you brought gin! That makes up for the lack of water breathing!

But would they bring gin or would they be all sanctimonious about water only?

That would obviously be a requirement for any dragon we accepted. You can't have a water breathing dragon and not use it to water cool gin, what is even the point.

I imagine a well aimed sprinkler above my head all day.

Water dragons are just iguana type reptiles - they can swim but not fly, or create fountains, so I think you'd find them disappointing.

Maybe if the moat was large enough for a few small whales they might do some spouting, but they'd insist on salt water not gin.

Gin canons? I believe Bojo bought some water canons for the police in London and Theresa spoilt his fun by not allowing him to use them. They should be cheap.

Yes, and he's probably only allowed to sell them either if you promise not to use them as water canons (which technically they wouldn't be) or as a sort of arms export (which it would be). If you're clever about it you might even be able to get them to pay you to take them off their hands.

They are Sadiq's now. We'll just tell them Boris loved them, he'll give them away!

If you do enter negotiations, take me along - I don't know why, but I seem to be quite effective at them without having to utter a word. Must be my natural charm I suppose.

Unless Boris took them when he left the job. Stapler, hole punch, pot plant, water canon... .

Yes, let's do that. They can see why we need them if you have a well placed coughing fit.

Er... promise me, for your own sake, that if I ever do have a 'coughing fit' you don't turn a gin cannon on me. It wouldn't harm me (well, might sting my eyes a bit) but you really wouldn't want to be on the other end of the hose.

I would NEVER just turn on the gin tap. Can fire breathers drink gin or do you have to stick to Pimms? I mean, we can't breathe and drink at the same time, so you should be safe?

I told you the other day, weak Pimms. Mostly I'd rather just have a nice cuppa TBH. I don't know why it doesn't seem to fit with people's stereotypes of how dragons should behave.

Just here to peer pressure dragon into drinking (for science) and complain about the moat not being ready. As you were.

... what will we fill the pool with?

Pool could be seasonal, mulled wine for Christmas, Beaujolais nouveau in November, Pimms in early summer, then shandy. What DO people drink in Spring?